Chapter Text
In an alternate universe—maybe some ridiculous timeline where crab people existed—Craig Tucker’s best friend was Tweek Tweak.
But there are countless timelines. Ask Eric Cartman. He wandered into the Panderverse years ago.
In this one, Kyle Broflovski never became Stan Marsh’s super best friend.
No.
His best friend was Craig Tucker.
It started like this.
Kyle was getting bullied by this fat kid.
Craig Tucker watched from across the preschool classroom, wondering if he should do something. He’d only moved to South Park recently.
On the other side of the room sat Stan Marsh with Kenny McCormick and Tweek Tweak.
Somehow—nobody really knew how—the twitchy blond had become Stan’s closest friend.
“You stupid Jew,” muttered the fat boy.
Kyle clenched his tiny fists. His eyes stung, but he refused to cry.
Craig walked over and stopped beside him.
“Leave him alone,” he said simply.
The redhead’s eyes widened. A toothy smile spread across his face.
Cartman ignored Craig completely.
Neither of them noticed Stan Marsh wandering over to the scariest kid in class, Trent Boyett.
“Want to make a fire?”
Stan only wanted Tweek to stop worrying for a while.
Tweek jumped. “AH!”
Stan smiled. “Let’s play firemen.”
Then, before Craig knew it, their preschool teacher was on fire, and the fat boy and the redhead were wrestling on the floor.
So the stoic little boy jumped in.
He didn’t know how to fight.
So Craig did what Kyle did.
They must have done a pretty good job. Because Cartman went away and went to the other little boys and started peeing on the teacher.
The redhead looked fascinated. “Did they just save our teacher?” he asked excitedly.
Craig looked at the scene.
Then back at Kyle.
“I dunno. But I don’t want no part of it.” he said.
They were eventually all taken outside. Trent was taken to juvie. Tweek was freaking out. “O-oh no! He’s going to kill us.” he cried.
Stan gave the twitchy blonde his hand. Tweek reluctantly grabbed it. “I’ll protect you.” he declared. The blonde relaxed just a tad.
Cartman rolled his eyes. “That’s not for, like, another five years. Who cares?” he said confidently.
Their parents pick them up. Kyle’s mother is big and….intimidating. “Bubbeleh, did you make a new friend?” she gushed.
Kyle’s father looked at the scene in confusion. He waved at Randy Marsh. The man waved back.
Kyle’s eyes sparkled. “No, Ma, best friend!” he exclaimed.
Craig’s family came next. Thomas looked at Shelia. “Did the Marshes kid do this?” he asked bluntly.
Gerald sighed. “He and a couple other boys were somehow involved, yes.” he stated.
Craig’s mother began talking to Shelia. Apparently they were friends already. From some book club.
Tricia was cooing and flipped Craig off. The stoic boy flipped her off. Thomas lectured him before flipping him off. Gerald stared.
He looked at Shelia. “I thought he and that Stan boy would be close like me and Randy.” he whispered.
None of it made sense. Kyle had his wife’s temper and fiery hair but his mischievous nature was all Gerald. Randy insisted Stan was just like him. After seeing what happened today he was inclined to agree.
So what happened?
Sheila smiled apologetically at Laura before looking at Gerald. “Kyle isn’t like you, sweetheart. Besides…at least I can be relieved he’s not getting in any trouble.” she said happily.
Randy pointed at Stan. The boy was trying to get Tweek to stop spazzing out. “Look, I’m a robot!” he said before doing robot positions. Then he pointed at Kyle. “What the fuck, Gerald?” he mouthed.
Gerald shrugged.