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“What do you think will happen to us?”
It was all Teruki could think about, Mob’s words running through his head. He couldn’t focus on anything; it made the numbers and questions in his math textbook mesh together, blending into something unintelligible.
Teruki leaning on the table, he tapped his pencil against his empty paper in a steady rhythm. He stared down at the questions like they would tell him the answers, like they would drown out Mob’s voice echoing through his head.
But nothing could silence his thoughts. Even the radio, some staticky music from the 90s droning on, was nothing more than background noise to add to the static in his head.
It wasn’t the first time this had happened; Mob had that kind of effect on him. He’d say something, or do something, some miniscule gesture that meant next to nothing–his head tilting to the side, his fingers intertwined in front of him, the way he looked down at his feet as he walked beside Teruki, the slight smile on his face as he looked up at him– but they’d still end up getting stuck in Teruki’s head. It’d be all he could think about for hours, days. Teruki wondered sometime if Mob knew that he had that kind of affect on him. (Of course he didn’t, of course he didn’t.)
But this time was different. Nothing Mob had said to him before had clung to him quite like this time, nothing had scratched and clawed at the back of his mind like Mob’s words did this time.
“‘What do you think will happen to us’?” Teruki hummed out, his eyebrows knit together as he stared down at his pencil, inspecting it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. (But it was far from it, Teruki knew. The most interesting thing in the world was a striking boy with a soft smile that could combat the warmth of the sun.)
He frowned. When he said it, it sounded wrong, negative, far from the way the words had rolled off of Mob’s tongue. Teruki could still hear his tone, how it sounded far from sad, more admiring, curious, like Mob had been wondering it for a long time. As if he had spent nights lying awake asking himself that exact same question.
If anyone else had asked Teruki that, they would have meant it a different way. But not Mob, no. Teruki knew exactly what he was asking when he had said it that evening, when they had walked down the streets side by side. He could hear it on the way the words caught in the wind, see it in the way Mob’s shoulders relaxed.
Where will we be years from now? What will we do? What will change? What will stay the same? Will we stay the same?
Teruki wasn’t one to think about the future, not really. Not before he had met Mob, not now either.
But now, as his tea grew cold and his paper stayed empty, as the sun started to set, casting orange rays of the sun in through his open window, Teruki couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Twenty, thirty years from now, when he was out of school, what will he be doing? Where will he be? Who will he be?
Teruki had no clue.
At night was the only time Teruki would let his apartment bask in complete and utter silence.
Not that it was completely silent, of course. The sound of cars passing his window, late night voices echoing through the dark, a dog barking in the distance flitted into his room, occupying the empty air. But his radio wasn’t on, the sounds of his TV didn’t fill the air. It was the only time he let himself remember he was completely alone.
As he laid awake, staring at his dark ceiling with tired eyes, he thought.
Who he was before, the person he had been at one point, reveled in that feeling of individuality living alone gave. It gave a sense of superiority over his own life, being able to control what he had for dinner, the conditions he lived in. But now, he couldn’t help but just feel that hollowness he had tried to ignore back then.
The Teruki back then knew who he wanted to be; he was who he wanted to be.
But he didn’t know anymore.
There was one thing that Teruki had trouble shaking, leftover from before; the fear that came with a lack of control.
But, the way Mob had said that gave Teruki of free falling through the air, unable to control how fast he went, where he would land.
He realized that he didn’t really have any control over his future; he couldn’t control the things that would change or stay the same, he couldn’t control who would leave and who would stay, he couldn’t even keep himself from changing into someone new.
Something about that left something blackened and tense an uncomfortable to coil in his stomach, knotting his insides together.
Teruki dragged in a breath, letting his chest rise and fall slowly. He groggily blinked up at the ceiling, rubbing his eyes with one hand.
Mob’s words were etched into the back of his mind, scratched into his thoughts. When Teruki closed his eyes, he could’ve sworn he saw Mob looking up at him, his backpack over his shoulders, his hair brushing against his face by a stray gust of evening wind.
I didn’t answer his question, Teruki thought to himself, pensively narrowing his eyes at his nightstand through the dark. (Yet he didn’t have an answer. He figured he never would.)
The light of his phone blinded him momentarily, blinking his hazy eyes as he typed in a number quickly, steadily, like he knew it by heart. (Even though he only got his number a week ago, and hadn’t called him once since then.)
“Oh, hey, you are awake,” Teruki whispered into the phone, his voice hushed. “I’m sorry if I woke you up… yeah, I couldn’t sleep, I guess… hey, do you want– are you doing anything tomorrow, after school?”
“Kageyama-kun, are you alright there?”
Teruki slowed down slightly, looking over his shoulder at Mob. The dirt path winding up around town and through the dense trees had been steeper than Teruki had remembered it, he’ll admit that. He was having no problem with it, but if the way Mob kept his head down watch his feet so he wouldn’t trip over himself, his breath slightly laboured, Teruki shouldn’t have assumed the same for him.
Mob let out a breath, lifting his head to meet Teruki’s eyes. “I’m okay,” he said, his voice the hush, calm tone that Teruki was used to. The way the wind dragged at his hair like the leaves in the trees, brushing over his eyes, made Teruki stop in his tracks.
“Sorry for…” Mob muttered out between gasps for breath, his voice strained. Teruki waited for him, matching Mob’s pace as he walked alongside him. “For… being slow–”
“No,” Teruki interrupted with a hum, shaking his head. He dragged his gaze away from Mob’s face, trying to ignore that magnetic pull he always felt when he was with him as he looked up the path. “I forgot how steep this was, I should have remembered.”
“It is… a little steep.”
Teru smiled lightly, looking down as the ground beneath his feet leveled out. “Ah, we made it to the top.”
Mob’s only response was a soft hum, the both of them slowing to a stop. Teruki stood at the top of the hill, the gentle wind rustling the trees of the forest behind him, paths winding through the underbrush and towards the town.
He looked down, past a flimsy, rusted chain link fence, at the city. The setting sun cast rays of sunlight, bouncing off of buildings and windows. The constant hum of traffic just barely reached them atop the hill, no louder them the buzz of a bee to them.
“This is what you wanted me to see?” Mob asked curiously, his hand clutching the strap of his backpack and his head titled to the side in that way that made Teruki’s chest feel full.
“Y-yeah,” Teruki said with a nod, certain one moment only to feel unsure the next. “Yeah, I mean, the view is nice and all and it’s quiet up here so I figured you’d… like it?” He tried to hide his sudden nerves with a cough, looking away so he wouldn’t have to face Mob’s pressing, consistent gaze head on.
“Huh,” Mob breathed out, his words getting caught on the slight wind. “It is pretty quiet.”
“There’s–there’s a bench,” Teruki said, pointing out the obvious. He didn’t wait for Mob to respond, (not that he expected him to) instead walking towards the fence. Dead grass and dried leaves crunched under his feet, the slight chill in the air reminding the world that it was only autumn.
The wooden bench was withered and old, creaking under their shared weigh and digging into Teruki’s skin through his clothes. But Mob didn’t seem to mind, and Teruki couldn’t focus in anything but the view and Mob’s warmth pressing into his side.
“I would always come up here to study,” Teruki droned on, his voice filling the near silence. The leaves brushing and rustling together echoed beneath his words. “Or if I wanted to just… I don’t know, sit somewhere quiet and think. I haven’t been up here in quite a while, though.”
“It’s nice,” Mob said after a pause, seeming to think that Teruki expected him to fill the air. “You can see almost the whole city from here.” Teruki nodded his head at the wonder in his voice, looking over at his profile with half lidded eyes. He couldn’t stop smiling. “Oh yeah, the view really makes it, doesn’t it?”
“You know,” Mob spoke up, meeting Teruki’s gaze. He didn’t seem to notice the pink brushing his skin as his eyes traced over Teruki’s face. He found that he couldn’t look away–Teruki felt like his heart was going to overflow and spill over.
“You didn’t answer my question, from yesterday.”
“O-oh,” Teruki gulped, looking away and pinning his gaze to a the fluorescent lights of a fast food restaurant in the distance. “Honestly… I kinda forgot about that,” He lied, his fingers digging into the back of his scalp. “Sorry.”
Teruki wondered, somewhere in the back of his mind, if maybe Mob knew the truth– that he had stayed awake all night with that question in mind, that he had went through his day with Mob’s voice echoing through his words, strung out into a mantra.
“Oh,” Mob huffed out. Teruki was weak to the small pout on his lips, the way he leaned back into the bench, his hands flat beside him. “okay… I don’t really have an answer, either.”
“Glad to see we’re on the same page on that one,” Teruki chuckled. His tone, as sweet as honey dripping off his tongue, didn’t give way to the lie between his words.
Teruki had thought about it, in between hours of restless sleep, in between his classes that day, in between every step he took with Mob by his side. He had thought about the uncertainty of his future, the fear that had come with that lack of control.
But Teruki realized that he didn’t really care.
As he blindly reached out beside him, fingers stretched out, her hesitantly intertwined his fingers with Mob’s. He felt him stiffen, felt his shock, but didn’t risk tearing his eyes away from the sun bouncing off the city, like each building was made of glass. He didn’t meet the gaze burning his skin, his face red from something other than the chilling air.
When he felt Mob squeeze his hand back, he let out a relieved sigh, a weight that had set onto his shoulders lifting.
At some point that Teruki for the life of him couldn’t remember–maybe it was when Mob had greeted him at the gate in front of his school, or the way they had walked so close they constantly bumped shoulders, or maybe it was how Mob listened to every useless, rambling word Teruki had said.
But at some point, he found the answer to Mob’s question.
He didn’t care.
He didn’t care what the future had in store for him, where he would be, what would change. He didn’t care if he had no control over what happened to him–to the two of them.
The world could split open under his feet, he could be the only one standing, but he didn’t care. As long as he was beside Mob. As long as they stayed just like that, side by side, Teruki could handle anything that was thrown his way.
“Hey,” Mob’s voice was soft, sweet. Teruki looked over at him, saw the look in his eyes–how his eyes shined, were big and bright and full of something that Teruki wanted to hold in his hands and hold to his chest–and wondered if maybe Mob could read minds, too. (It wouldn’t surprise him–Teruki was certain that Mob could do anything he wanted to.)
“Do you want to come over to you house?” He said it under his breath, his voice sounding innocent. “For super?”
Teruki’s heart was spilling over, pooling in his bones and making his skin tingle. He was all too aware of the way Mob held his hand like Teruki was going to slip between his fingers.
“Of course.”
I’ll follow you anywhere.