Work Text:
“Ritsu Kageyama!"
Shou’s hands clutched Ritsu’s, his gaze fierce, fiery, unwavering as he stared Ritsu in the eyes. His voice was loud, booming, crashing through the chilling winter air of the park around them.
He paused, didn’t say a word, as if Shou was giving himself a fraction of a second to get used to how Ritsu looked at him with wide, shocked eyes, his shoulders tense and stiff as he waited.
Shou sucked in a breath, choking it out and letting his words freeze in the air.
“I think I’m in love with you, Ritsu Kageyama!”
The world seemed to fall silent around them.
Ritsu couldn’t hear anything anymore--the sound of cars trudging through the snow not far from the park was nonexistent, the constant hum of city life didn’t reach his ears. All Ritsu could hear was his own heart beating against his ribs, and Shou gasping for air, as if what he had said was the most physically taxing thing he had ever done.
Shou’s words echoed in the silence, as heavy as fog. It filled Ritsu’s bones, sat heavy under his skin, on his shoulders.
Ritsu couldn’t say a word, couldn’t speak; it felt like his mouth was full of cotton.
The silence following his words were suffocating. The warmth of Shou clutching Ritsu’s hands seemed to burn his skin. The way Shou stared to him, blue eyes wide and expectant and all encompassing, made him feel vulnerable.
At some point, in between each pounding heartbeat and huffs of frozen breath clouding the air between them, Ritsu realized Shou expected something--a response, a word, a gasp of breath, maybe some sign that he felt the same.
Ritsu bit into his chapped lips, trailing his tongue against the inside of his teeth. “Suzuki-kun…” Ritsu whispered out, like he was afraid someone else besides himself would hear him. It felt like his lips were going to crack and split under the weight of his own words.
Something made Shou’s once ecstatic, bright-eyed expression fade. His shoulders sagged more and more with each passing second he spent pinned under Ritsu’s pitying gaze--his eyebrows pinched together, his lips a thin line, his eyes curious and confused and the weight of his gaze pressing down on Shou.
“O-oh,” Shou gulped, his eyes raking Ritsu’s face before he ducked his head, looking away. His grip on Ritsu’s hands had weakened, but he still didn’t let go. “Uuh,” He sucked in a sharp breath, the sudden, abruptness of what he had said seeming to weigh down on him before, like he hadn’t even considered that maybe, during that walk back towards Ritsu’s home through a frozen park, that hadn’t been the best timing. Honestly, Shou hadn’t considered much of anything at the time, too overwhelmed by the way Ritsu’s eyes shined when he smiled and the blooming feeling of something that had been building up for a while finally bursting in his chest.
He hadn’t considered the consequences.
“O-oh,” Shou gulped, glancing between the hands clasped between his and Ritsu’s tense, stiff expression. “Oh,” He pulled his hands away like his skin was burning, shoving them into the pockets of his jacket.
“Suzuki-kun…” Ritsu hummed out, his head tilted to the side and his eyebrows knit together. But he stayed put; he didn’t step forward, or reach out like Shou almost hoped he would.
“Ah,” Shou laughed out, his face red from the biting cold as he smiled. “That was… yeah, just forget about that.” With a hum, his hands clenched into fists in his pockets, Shou spun around on his heel, sparing Ritsu a glance over his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here, eh Ritsu-kun? I’m sick of this damn park.”
“Wait, Suzuk--”
“Should we wander around a bit more?” Shou said with a shrug. “But that gets boring quick. Maybe see what your brother is up to?” He walked away, not bothering to see if Ritsu was following behind him as he headed towards the road, snow and ice crunching under his feet.
Ritsu frowned, gritting his teeth together as he huffed out a breath of frozen air. “Suzuki,” He said sternly, nearly stumbling over his own feet as he lunged out,. Shou didn’t react, just tilted his head back to look up at the murky grey sky like he was trying to distract himself, ignoring the world around him.
“Actually,” Shou said under his breath, “Maybe I'll… head home sooner than later. It looks like it’s gonna snow in a bit and I don’t want to be caught in the middle of th--”
“Shou.”
He sucked in a sharp breath at his name, tensing up as a hand gripped his arm, fingers digging into his skin through the fabric of his jacket as he jerked to a stop. His whole body tensed up, a sheet of ice under his skin making him freeze in place.
He bit down on the feeling of something bitter and dark bubbling up in his throat, making the back of his eyes sting. Sucking in a cold breath, he looked over his shoulder with a smile, a grin that might have looked a little more forced than normal.
But anything he was going to say, whatever excuses or witty remarks he would mumble to try and evade what actually needed to be said, instantly caught in his throat when he saw Ritsu. His eye burned into Shou’s skin, something confused and determined and angry etched into his face. The way his fingers dug into Shou’s arm, like he was afraid he’d run away, made Shou fall silent.
Ritsu searched Shou’s face as if he was looking for something before letting out a sigh, his stiff shoulders sagging. “Look, Sh--Suzuki-kun…” his words seemed to freeze in the air, uncertain and unsure, weighing down on Shou’s shoulders.
“I…” Ritsu bit into his lip, shuffling his feet in the powdery snow, his free hand fidgeting against the scarf loosely wrapped around his neck. “I.. I don’t have a response,” he breathed out quickly and quietly, as if he was afraid the words would get lost.
Shou raised an eyebrow at him, his heart feeling like it was slamming against his ribs. The hand gripping his wrists felt electric. “Wh-what?”
“To what you said…” Ritsu mumbled out, glancing down, breaking his intense gaze for the first time. “... Before.”
“Oh? That?” Shou laughed, shaking his head back and forth. He wanted to pull away, to run as far as he could from what he was feeling, but Shou was afraid that if Ritsu let go of him he’d float way. “that-- ahh, not important. It was-- it was a mistake! An accident, a… an… you should just forget about it.”
Ritsu’s lips were a thin line as he shook his head back and forth, the tips of his ears red. “No, I shouldn’t,” He licked his lips, trying to work past the lump in his throat. “I don’t… I don’t have a response, okay? I don’t…. I don’t know.”
Shou bit into his cheek until he tasted blood, narrowing his eyes at him. “What do you mean you don’t--” Then it clicked, his eyes widening suddenly as he clamped his mouth shut. It felt like butterflies had been released in his stomach, their wings brushing against his skin, his ribs, the bottom of his heart. “Oh.”
Ritsu’s shoulders sagged, letting out an exasperated sigh. “Yeah, ‘oh.’” Shou couldn’t help but notice the small smile on his face didn’t make him look any less worn down and tired. “So, just…” Ritsu twisted his lips to the side, tugging on Shou’s arm just the slightest bit, as if to remind Shou that he was there. “Don’t try and run away or anything, got that?”
Shou clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, his brightly blinding smile back on in full force. “Sorry, kid,” He hummed, gently pulling his arm out of Ritsu’s grasp. “I can’t make any promises on that one.”
“Hmph, I figured,” Ritsu said with a huff, looking at Shou out of the corner of his eye. “And don’t call me ‘kid’. We’re the same age.” Ritsu leaned forward, narrowly avoiding Shou’s elbow as he stretched his arms over his head with a loud hum.
“Yeah, no,” Shou’s voice was boisterous, as booming as it always was as they both fell into a steady pace side by side. It would have almost seemed normal, casual, if Ritsu didn’t see the rigid set of Shou’s shoulders, or the way he kept his distance. Not having Shou walking so close to him that they constantly bumped into one another was enough indication that something still wasn’t quite right.
“What now?” Shou hummed out, the words feeling like there was more weight to them than intended. “Head home, I guess,” Ritsu said with a shrug. “Unless you have other plans?”
Shou looked at him with a lopsided grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know I don’t, Riichan.”
“Don’t call me that.”
The silence in Ritsu’s room was overwhelming; it filled every corner, every empty space in the dark. It seeped in from the crack under his door like molasses.
Ritsu couldn’t sleep.
No matter how many times he pulled the blankets up to his chin, rolled onto his side, and screwed his eyes closed so tight he thought he might give himself a headache, he couldn’t sleep.
Maybe if his thoughts weren’t so loud, then it would be different.
“I think I’m in love with you, Ritsu Kageyama!”
Ritsu let out a low groan, rubbing his tired eyes as he frowned up at his dark ceiling. Just thinking about it made his face burn, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it, no matter how hard he tried.
Ritsu just couldn’t understand it. How could Shou be sure? Why did he have to announce it so suddenly? Why did he just seem to crawl back into himself afterwards? Why did he leave Ritsu alone to his thoughts as soon as they saw his house down the streets, without another word?
Ritsu sucked in a sharp breath, exhaling shakily. “Why did I have to lie to him?” He whispered to no one, so quietly it was as if he was afraid that the shadows in the corners of his room would hear him.
To spare his feelings, he thought to himself, throwing his arms back against the pillows as he rolled onto his back. So that he wouldn’t get hurt, of course.
But, maybe that was a lie too. Was Ritsu not even just slightly truthful? Did he actually have a response? Maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t been lying--maybe he really doesn’t know how he feels.
There is something there, though. Ritsu can’t deny that; when Shou trips over his own feet, or smiles as brightly and as genuinely as Ritsu had ever seen, or when he sees that look in Shou’s eyes when he is talking about his latest obsession, or when Shou unintentionally hides behind Ritsu when someone raises their voice a little too loudly at him, or when Shou sends him pictures at four in the morning of whatever sketch he stayed up all night drawing.
When Shou smiles, when Shou laughs, when Shou is beside him, when Shou talks to him, when Shou listens to him, there’s always, always something there.
But is it the same thing as what Shou feels? Is it different?
How could Ritsu possibly know? How does Shou even know?
Ritsu’s eyelids felt heavy, weighed down by the thoughts in his mind and the night air. Sleep clawed at him, digging into his skin and making his movements feel muddled, his thoughts turning into fog.
Blankets whispered as he reached towards his nightstand, squinting his eyes at the harsh artificial light of his phone. He tried to push down any rising feelings of disappointment when he saw that he didn’t have any texts from someone in particular. (Just a missed phone call from Hanazawa and a few texts he hadn’t opened from Shigeo.)
There’s no use staying up all night thinking about this, Ritsu thought to himself as he turned up his ringtone, knowing that when Shou eventually called him at midnight--as he always did--it would wake him up.
With a sigh, he let his head fall back against the pillow, the phone clutched to his chest.
But, what if… what if I was trying to spare both our feelings?
Ritsu wouldn’t fall asleep until much later, but when he did, Ritsu slept through the night for the first time since he had met Shou. His phone stayed silent.
“You idiot!”
The door slammed shut behind him, his scream echoing throughout the empty, dead house, bouncing off the walls, the floor, the ceiling, and straight back to him. His words sounded pained and sharp, hitting him like a blow to the chest.
He was breathing heavily, his vision a hazy red, his eyes burning with tears that threatened to overflow. He unclenched his tight fists, paying no attention to the angry crimson crescents his nails had left in the palm of his hands.
“You, y-you, ugh.” He let out a growl, harshly pulling off his hat, tugging at the scarf around his neck so tightly he nearly strangled himself. “You fuck. What were you th-thinking?”
He harshly kicked off one boot, then the other, before storming out of the entryway. He didn’t even seem to notice that the boots didn’t even hit the floor, too busy blinking at the tears that blurred his visions. His nerves sang, burning under his skin. Everything felt too hot, too warm, scorching into his skin like fire.
His fingers roughly picked at the zipper of his jacket as he rushed through the living room, not paying any mind to the furniture floating a few feet in the air like they were suspended under water.
“Why did you,” He snarled to himself, pausing to yank one arm out of his jacket, flailing the other as he tried to shake it off. “Why did you say th-that?” He sucked in a sharp breath when he accidentally hit his phone out of his pocket, blinking his eyes to see it spinning up through the air in front of him.
Something bitter built up into his throat, sitting in every corner of his mind like shadows. His chest was burning, his hands shaking as he grabbed his phone--the screen instantly erupting with a web of thin cracks running through it.
His face twisted into a bitter frown, he breathed through his teeth, chest heaving. “Why,” he growled to himself, pulling his arm back. “Didn’t you,” his broken phone dug into his hand, jagged glass and metal crushed in his fist. “Just,” His voice a yell, loud and booming and deafening, he threw the phone with everything he had. “Shut up!”
It shot through the air with a burst of uncontrollable psychic energy, engulfed in a fiery red hue and as fast of a bullet. Shou’s breath left his lungs when it collided with the wall on the other side of the spacious living room with a booming crack. Shards of glass fell through the air like sparks, floating in the air for just a second.
When Shou’s shoulders fell, that bitter, angry feeling in his chest suddenly melting, oozing away and leaving hollow space in it’s place, everything fell.
The couches, the shards of glittering glass, the books that had drifted away from their shelves, the knickknacks and trophies and decorations above the fireplace that had once meant something, (but were nothing more than empty memories to Shou now) all fell to the floor.
The sound of metal hitting the floorboards rang through the air, a flurry of glass breaking and paper rustling barely made it through the sludge in Shou’s mind. He did pay any mind to the red hues falling away, back to muted colours of browns and greys that made him want to pull his hair out.
His nerves no longer sang with the electric energy he had felt before. Instead, he just felt a hollow, aching emptiness that seemed to echo in his bones, that made his ribs feel like they were going to collapse inwards.
“Sh-shit,” Shou sniffled, his throat feeling coarse. He stared across the room, at the glass on the floor by the wall, looking like bits of ice. He sucked in a sharp breath, his arms shaking by his sides as his teeth sunk into his bottom lip.
He stumbled over loose pages and hardcover books, nearly falling against the askew couch and tripped over pictures frames. He crouched by the wall, running his fingers over the deep gash in it before he picked up the metal casing of his battered, destroyed phone.
“Now look at what you did,” Shou muttered to himself, sliding down the wall and tucking one knee up to his chest. He barely seemed to noticed the sharp edges of glass piercing his skin as he looking at the exposed, battered circuitry.
He inhaled, exhaled, tried to level his breathing as he let his head fall back against the wall, his eyes falling shut. “Shou Suzuki,” he bit into the inside of his cheek, “what have you done?”
You’ve messed everything up, his mind hissed at him, the vicious thoughts that had first surfaced back when he had seen that pitying, disappointed look on Ritsu’s face digging into his brain. (Was it disappointment? Or anger? Shou couldn’t tell. Whenever he thought back to it, he saw Ritsu’s face twisted in clear disgust. He couldn’t trust his own memories anymore.)
You should have stayed silent, you should have just not said a word.
Shou gulped, breathing quickly turning harsh. The remains of his broken phone fell out of his grasp as he wiped his wet eyes on the back of his arm, blinking up at the high ceiling.
Honestly, Shou couldn’t give an explanation for what he had said, why he had said it. He couldn’t, with complete and utter certainty, explain himself. He couldn’t lie and say that he had been mulling over his feelings for weeks, months--that he had been planning what he would say, how he would say it, what he would do--because the second the words had left his mouth was when Shou realized that they were completely true.
All he could remember was walking by Ritsu, hearing his voice as he talked on about something Shou didn’t know. He could remember the feeling of Ritsu’s warmth by his side, his energy pushing against and melting and forming into something bright and strong with his. He could remember looking at Ritsu out of the corner of his eye, seeing that thoughtful look on his face that looking slightly frightening, seeing the way the pale sunlight bounced off the snow and shone in his eyes. He could remember this sudden, swelling feeling in his chest that felt something like getting hit by a truck, almost painful and unignorable.
But now you messed up everything. You’ll be the only one to blame if Ritsu never wants to see you again after this.
His thoughts, digging under his skin and clawing at the back of his head, were irrational. Shou knew this. But it didn’t stop his chest from heaving with the effort to choke down a sob, or the white hot tears to blur his vision, or his shoulders from shaking and quivering.
He was going to leave eventually anyway; you’ve become too dependent on him.
Shou tried to focus on something else, tried to focus on the pain cutting into the pain of his hand and the sharks of broken glass that threatened to break the skin of his thigh.
You’re just being selfish at this point; this isn’t all about you, it’s about Ritsu.
He felt useless, empty, alone, abandoned, forgotten. He felt a whole slew of emotions that made him feel numb, cold to the touch, like a porcelain doll.
He felt cracked.
Ritsu will never feel the same. You should just move on and forget about all this. You shouldn’t subject him to the same pain.
But…
“I don’t have a response, okay? I don’t…. I don’t know.”
Shou gulped, looking through his shaking fingers and at the chaotic disarray of the living room around him. He tried to calm himself down--breathing in, out. In out.--to let himself recognize what he had done, what he had caused. He realized the pain in his hands, knowing that he would have to suck it up, push all his feelings down deep, and tend to the bleeding lacerations in his hand.
“I don’t have a response, okay?”
Shou would hold onto that thought like it was his lifeline, even as he tried to push down on the feelings that would rise up with it, to crush them under his foot, to drown them, pulverize his emotions until they were nothing but background noise.
Don’t get your hopes up.
“Riiittssuuuuu.”
Ritsu rolled his eyes at Shou’s whining, otherwise not saying anything as he walked down the street, peering into the windows of the stores they passed with mild interest. He walked in between the oncoming, bleary eyed morning crowd, Shou somehow managing to wander from storefront to storefront without bumping into anyone.
“What is it now?” He hummed out, pulling at the scarf digging tightly into his neck. (The scarf that he would have loved to leave behind, but couldn't bring himself to tell Shigeo he didn’t really need it.)
“It’s too cold,” Shou huffed out, his breath freezing in front of him. Pausing to pet a passing dog before it’s owner could notice, Shou quickly fell to pace beside Ritsu, his hands behind his head. “We shouldn’t have left your house. It was warm there. What the hell were you thinking, Kageyama-kun?”
Ritsu rolled his eyes at him, trying not to give him the satisfaction of a smile. “Hey, I’m not the one that can’t sit still for more than a minute,” He said, raising his voice slightly as Shou ran ahead to kick at the chunks of ice and snow by the side of the road. “Besides, it was way colder yesterday. Stop whining.”
“I’ll whine as much as I want,” Shou snorted, walking backwards in front of Ritsu with his hands on his hips, his head raised high. “Thank you very much.” He went to say something else, cutting himself off when his eyes caught on the storefront window of a bakery, leaving Ritsu to wonder what he would’ve said as he pressed his face up against the glass.
Ritsu snorted at him tracing patterns into the fogged window, walking past him without slowing down. For a second, he could have almost sworn that everything was the exact same as it always had been, that maybe the day before was just some weird dream, a figment of Ritsu’s imagination.
The familiarity of it all--of Shou showing up at his house that morning without invitation, of Shou eventually getting bored and dragging Ritsu around town, of Shou getting distracted by everything they passed while still somehow managing to hold a conversation--nearly had Ritsu convinced that everything was alright.
But he knew Shou better than that.
He knew that things couldn’t just go back to normal, that everything wouldn’t just fall into place overnight like that. He could tell that Shou wasn’t the same; he could see it in the set of his shoulders, in the way he struggled to meet Ritsu’s gaze sometimes.
Shou, who talked with movement and contact, who always seemed to hang onto Ritsu’s arm or have a hand on his shoulder, was keeping his distance. He was hesitating more often, as if Ritsu would flinch away from his touch.
Even with dozens of faceless strangers passing the both of them, even with Shou’s idle conversation about all the dogs he had seen earlier that day, Ritsu found himself feeling lonely.
“What about that place?” Shou hummed, nodding his head towards a restaurant across the street, his eyes drawn to the intricate lights strung around the door, the windows. He looked at Ritsu out of the corner of his eye, who narrowed his eyes at the building for a second before looking away. “No,” he huffed, his voice muffled by the scarf pulled up over his mouth and nose. “Their soup tastes like swamp water.”
Shou groaned, throwing his head back dramatically. “Oh my god,” He shivered, keeping his arms crossed as he narrowed his eyes at Ritsu. “What do you have against all this resteraunts? Why do you have such high standards? Did they all spit in your food or something? Did they bend your spoons before giving em to you? What the hell.”
“I don’t have high standards,” Ritsu protested, choosing to just ignore everything else that he had said. He crossed his arms over his chest, his ears burning from the cold and the cotton scarf chafing his skin. He wanted nothing more than to take it off, but the air had become bitter and chilling, feeling like grating ice against his skin in a matter of minutes.
“Oh, sure,” Shou said, obviously trying to keep the shiver from his voice. Ritsu silently pitied him, but at the same time didn’t, considering that he should have known that a bomber jacket wouldn’t protect him from the chilling mid December air. “And you say I’m picky.”
“I’m not-- ughh. Let’s just go to a cafe or something to warm up, alright?” Ritsu paused to bury his face farther in his scarf, wrinkling his nose. “We can grab something quick to eat, too.” When he glanced in Shou’s direction, he couldn’t help but notice how he quickly looked the other way, his ears burning red. (Probably from the cold, Ritsu figured. Probably.)
“Aah, okay,” Shou gulped, his eyes scanning the buildings lining the road, his gaze catching on a small coffee shop. “Ooohh, how ‘bout there? Maybe they have--”
“Horrible customer service? They do,” Ritsu grabbed Shou by the elbow as he started drifting off, ignoring his low whine. “Let’s keep going.”
“I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but are you the Grinch?” Shou said in one quick breath, raising one eyebrow at Ritsu’s confused look. “I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re the Grinch.”
“What?”
"Y’know, likes to suffer in the freezing weather, very judgemental--oh, what about that place?” Shou interrupted himself, pointing to a quaint cafe. Ritsu pursed his lips at the place, nodding his head slightly as he followed Shou. “They’re hot chocolate is decent.” He didn’t seem to notice how Shou whispered ‘oh, finally’ under his breath, instead looking at him incredulously. “And what makes you think that the Grinch likes the cold?”
“Uuhh, because he lives in a giant ice mountain?” He reached for the door with an eyeroll and a snort, like it was obvious. Shou let out a sigh at the sudden gust of warm air, the smell of pastries and cookies filling his senses. “Oh, plus he eats garbage. Like you. Actual trash.”
“What the fuck?”
“Huh? What?” Shou frowned, looking over his shoulder at Ritsu, who was glancing between him and the door with a frown on his face. “Like, I’m not saying that you eat literal garbage, just that your taste in food is shi--”
“No, not that,” Ritsu huffed, not giving Shou any time to react before he lunged out, grabbing the hand holding the door.
He sucked in a sharp breath at the rough hands grabbing his injured one, just barely remembering to catch the glass door with his psychic powers before it slammed into his back. His heart dropped to his feet as Ritsu traced his fingers over the gauze wrapped around his hand, his fight or flight instincts kicking in.
Ritsu’s eyes were wide, looking at the faint red soaking through on his palm before glancing up at Shou. “What is this?” He growled out, his sour face softening slightly when Shou winced at his tone, his shoulders slumping. “What happened, Shou?”
“You act like you’ve never seen me after an ass-kicking,” Shou hummed out, bouncing on his feet awkwardly. He couldn’t meet Ritsu’s gaze, couldn’t stop glancing at the street, the sky, his feet, at anything but the boy brushing his fingers over his open palm. “And, uh, we should head inside now. We’re letting all the warm air out.”
“Fuck that,” His face twisted into a frown, his grip on Shou’s wrist tightening slightly. “Shou, what happened? Really?” Shou sucked in a breath, choking down on his thoughts before smirking. Don’t think anything of it, Shou.
“Believe it or not, but even I can be a klutz sometimes,” He leaned forward, lifting his hand to poke Ritsu’s forehead, or his nose, or something, only to second guess himself and pull his hand away. “Just like you. Now, let’s go get some hot chocolate--on me.”
Ritsu went to say something, to protest and press Shou about it more, but maybe he saw the way Shou tried to curl his fingers into a fist to hide it, or maybe he saw the pleading look in his eyes. But, either way, Ritsu clamped his mouth shut with a sigh. “Alright,” He mumbled, walking through the door and into the shop. “But I’m holding you to that hot chocolate.”
Ritsu couldn’t stop looking at Shou.
Time had passed between now and then, as it always does. Minutes had gone by--or maybe hours, Ritsu honestly couldn’t tell--and they’re drinks had long since been finished, or had been forgotten in the cafe on a banged up wooden table. (Ritsu had teased him about that mercilessly, even after he gave his peppermint hot chocolate to him.)
Even as they walked down crowded streets, or empty alleys, not sure of where exactly they were going but just knowing they didn’t want to stop, Ritsu would catch himself staring at Shou out of the corner of his eye, watching his mouth as he spoke, as he laughed. Watching the way he waved his arms around a he talked, watching how to would trail off and look away as they passed something that caught his interest.
Even when Shou nearly fell face first into a bank of snow after slipping on a thin sheet of ice, even when Shou nearly lit Ritsu’s scarf on fire with pyrokinesis after trying to warm himself up, even when he stuffed a handful cookies into his mouth and almost choked on them, even when he laughed so hard he spat hot chocolate out all over the snow, Ritsu watched him.
He found himself wondering if this is what Shou felt about him. If this warm, bubbling feeling that was starting to bloom in his chest was something like what Shou felt for him. This... fondness.
“Why do we always end up in this park?” Shou huffed, looking up at the trees, frozen branches reaching towards the grey sky, as he slide onto a cold park bench. He stifled a yawn, stretching his arms above his head, barely giving Ritsu enough room to sit beside him. “I mean, this place is boring. Boring.”
“You’re just saying that because there’s no playground,” Ritsu poked Shou in the ribs, “Move over.” Shou ducked his head, shuffling until he was nearly falling off the edge of the bench. But Shou tilted his head to the side, trying to play it off like he wasn’t putting a huge gap between them. Ritsu hoped his frown wasn’t too obvious.
“How can you even call this a park without at least a swingset and slide?” Shou threw his arms in the air, scoffing as he shook his head. “Honestly? It’s ridiculous. One of these I’m going to give city council a piece of my mind.”
Ritsu snorted, a small smile on his face. He looked at Shou through his eyelashes, not paying attention to how he froze in place, his eyes stuck on Ritsu. “If it bothers you so much, than why do you keep coming back?”
“Because,” Shou started with a strange certainty, “you like it here, and that matters more than what I like.”
Ritsu’s eyes widened, his heart hammering in his chest as he stared back at him. It felt like his heart was tightening, squeezing, then expanding in his chest, both strange and warm and unfamiliar to him. He gulped, opening his mouth to say something, coming up blank and trying to hide behind his scarf instead.
Shou seemed to realize what he had said, the weight of it making him tense up, suck in a breath, bite his bottom lip. “U-uh,” He stuttered, his face somehow both ashen and rosy at the same time. “I-I just, I meant that-- I…” With a gulp, he turned away, ducking his head. “I’m sorry, just… forget I said that.”
Ritsu didn’t know what to say, his thoughts running rampant and his mouth feeling like it was frozen over underneath the fabric of his scarf. For a moment, he let the awkward silence drag on, somehow finding himself unable to try and hide how he watched Shou.
He had never seen him so embarrassed before. Had never seen his shoulders sag so much, seen the way his face burned up to his ears, how he ducked his head like he was almost ashamed. This wasn’t the same Shou, couldn’t be the same Shou who he knew to talk loudly, to move with purpose and certainty, to exist with a confidence Ritsu wasn’t familiar with. This was a different side of Shou.
A side I brought out.
That thought made him want to do something stupid.
A warm hand on Shou’s shoulders made him freeze, his head snapping up to crane his neck. “Ri--Kageyama-kun?” He breathed out, eyeing the way Ritsu moved closer, one hand pulling his scarf down to hang loosely around his neck. “What are you…?”
Ritsu didn’t want to give himself time to think, knowing that if he did he would second guess himself and back down. “Shou,” He breathed out, eyes tracing over Shou’s face, eyes, mouth. “Can I try something?”
Shou felt like he had stopped breathing a long time ago. “Like… like what?”
“.... y’know,” Ritsu shrugged his shoulders, trying to push down on the doubt creeping into his mind. Shou’s eyes widened even more, realization seeming to strike him when he felt Ritsu’s breath brush his cheeks. “Oh…. Oh.”
He bit his lip, glanced away, looking back at Ritsu and returning his burning, steady gaze. “Ye… yeah,” his voice was a just a whisper, barely intelligible, but Ritsu could hear it. Hell, he could feel it. He could feel Shou’s energy, always warm and roasting like a campfire, reach out to his.
When Ritsu leaned forward that final inch, the kiss was anything but perfect. his nose bumped against Shou’s, their teeth clacked and maybe Ritsu nearly sent them both falling back off the bench. But either way, it made his head swim, his heart overflowing and pooling in his stomach.
It felt like Shou’s energy, his warmth and his emotions, swarmed around him. It curled around his, the both of their auras melting together.
Ritsu was completely absorbed in the feeling of Shou against him, to the point that he didn’t notice the hand in his hair, or the wind picking up around them, or the snow swirling like they were trapped in their own personal blizzard, or the weightless feeling of being suspended in air.
When the need for air burning his lungs got to strong, Ritsu hesitantly pulled away, aware of the way Shou tried to follow him. Through half lidded eyes, Ritsu looked gave himself a moment to look at Shou, to watch the way he slowly opened his eyes and looked back at him.
Only when Ritsu glanced away did Ritsu notice they were floating, surrounded by streaks of snow swirling and twirling around them, lit up with strange colours that looked something like the northern lights.
“Shou,” he whispered, clinging to his jacket. “You’re kind of…” Ritsu could feel SHou’s laugh rumble in his chest, his face pressed into his black hair. “That’s not me, Ritsu.” With each syllable, Ritsu could feel his lips brush against his forehead.
Ritsu’s eyes widened, muttering something that sounded like a cross between an apology and a curse. The snow suddenly fell to the ground around them, kicking up and twisted in the air a second more before stilling.
As soon as Shou’s feet touched the ground, he jumped away from Ritsu, slamming onto the bench and gripping it like his life depended on it. Ritsu, looking over at Shou with wide eyes, tried to get used to the abrupt lack of contact. The psychical warmth leaving him so suddenly made him feel very, very cold.
But, with the way Shou’s aura clutched onto him like he never wanted to let go, he could almost pretend he was still holding onto Shou.
“So,” Shou said, the first one to breath the silence. He looked up at Ritsu through his eyelashes, biting his lip. “That was…. that kiss wasn’t, like, a platonic thing, right?”
Ritsu had to resist the urge to pull his hair out. Instead, he smoothed a hand over his face, holding his head in his hands for a second. “Oh my god,” he breathed out, looking at him from between his fingers. “How could that have been platonic? What part of kissing and floating in the fucking air is platonic?”
“Fuck you dude, I’m being serious,” Shou said without malice, his grip on the bench tightening slightly as Ritsu slid onto the seat beside him, unintentionally leaning closer. “Just… I need a straightforward answer. That--was that your response… to what I said yesterday?”
Ritsu paused, letting Shou simmer in his doubts, his stomach churning, his knuckles white. Ritsu licked his lips, looking down as he pulled the scarf up over his mouth. “I….” He started, hesitating a he met Shou’s eyes. “I don’t really have… a response yet.” Shou sucked in a breath, his heart sinking past his feet, into the frozen ground--
“But I’d… I want to figure that out, with you…” His eyebrows knit together, “If that even makes sense. But can we just--go slow? Work this out? I honestly, truly don’t know what I’m doing.”
Shou nodded his head so harshly Ritsu thought he would give himself a headache, his feet stomping against the ground. “Yeah, yeah okay. Sure,” he gasped out quickly. “I can go slow. I can slow the hell down for you bab--Ritsu. Yep definitely.”
Ritsu smiled at him, shaking his head back and forth. He looked down ot his arms, his hands gripping the bench so tightly it probably hurt. “And,” He tilted his head to the side, “why are you holding onto the bench? Afraid you’ll slide off?”
Shou went deathly still for a second, a serious expression on his face. “If I let go,” he said slowly, carefully. “I think I’ll float away.”
Ritsu laughed, in that way where his eyes shined and his shoulders shook, the kind of laugh that made Shou’s chest ache. He wished that he could hold that sounds in his hands and keep it forever.
Instead, he leaned into Ritsu, his head on his shoulder. Shou could feel the slight hesitancy, the uncertainty, but before Shou could pull away, an arm was thrown over his shoulders, breath catching on his hair.