Work Text:
The Pain of Love
The battle was over, and yet Rogue wasn't quite convinced that it was done.
Apocalypse was gone—at least for now—but the creature that could defy death, who could defy time—was more likely to seek hidden respite than accept defeat.
They would see him again, Rogue was sure, and she could only hope that they'd find a way to anticipate when. He'd caught them offguard this time in so many ways. The idea of knowing where to look, of discovering where he might choose to hide, somehow made the pit in her stomach bite slightly less.
She glanced back toward the cargo area where Remy was restrained.
No, not Remy. But maybe…
She'd held him in death, had sobbed over his remains. She had begged for another chance, had been willing to defy time itself to make him whole again.
And now…
Be careful what you wish for.
It felt like a cruel trick.
She tried to see Remy's eyes, the beautiful red and black that had always said so much, even when he chose not to speak.
What was he seeing with those eyes now? Friends? Enemies? Something else altogether?
Did he remember any of himself? Was any of him even left?
Rogue's chest felt tight, and her eyes began to sting.
It was so painfully likely that there wasn't.
Why should any of Remy LeBeau reside in Death personified? What good would it do? What point would there be?
Apocalypse had chosen Remy for a reason, had undoubtedly meant to tear the remains of the X-Men to shreds. But with Remy already gone, lost to them forever, what more could his return do, what had still remained undone?
Rogue knew she might never get answers. Apocalypse's reasons would likely forever remain a mystery.
The Remy she knew—her Remy—was likely gone.
Though unlikely, if any part of Apocalypse had remembered her, had meant to break her heart, he'd succeeded ten times over.
Rogue thought of her brief conversation with En Sabah Nur by the fireside, so recent, and yet a thousand lifetimes ago.
"Just hard to believe, is all. That we might finally be able to punch our ticket home," she'd mused.
"And yet, you do not seem glad. What is awaiting you there?"
He'd seemed almost gentle.
"It's more about what's not waitin' for me. Someone I lost. Someone special."
She'd looked down at the fire, half expecting to see embers littered with burning cards, wishing that she might.
"What about you?" she'd asked wistfully. "You ever been in love?"
"My mother abandoned me in the desert as an infant. And ever since, everyone I have ever known, I've lost. Love is pain. A weakness I cannot afford."
"And the only thing that makes life worth living. And there's the rub."
She'd gotten up after that, attempting to imbue her parting words with hope despite having little faith.
"I do hope you get to experience it one day," she'd offered.
And she'd climbed into her tent, her final words to herself and the universe beyond.
"For all our sakes."
Rogue supposed En Sabah Nur had experienced love, loathed it because he'd experienced a deeper, more recent pain than abandonment in the blazing sun.
She had seen the rage-lined heartbreak as En Sabah Nur held the body of Baal—his dearest friend, effectively his father. They'd almost immediately traveled across the sand, and he'd never even gotten to grieve.
Love had become too dangerous for him, so dangerous that he was willing to lose himself, to give himself up for a promise of power, of a life without pain.
En Sabah Nur—now Apocalypse—and Remy had strangely similar beginnings, though it hadn't occurred to Rogue before.
Remy had also been abandoned as an infant, had more recently lost the people closest to him. His life was one of perpetual heartache, and yet he'd chosen mercy and love, had fought for good, had tried for better.
She studied him closely once again. His shocking white hair, his skin gray and otherworldly. He'd met them with violence, smiles that were more like sneers. He'd looked through her, had attempted to murder them all.
Were they right to assume that Apocalypse's offer had been unwelcome? Or had Remy been given a second chance, one that he'd decided to welcome with open arms?
Maybe the man behind her had decided that love hurt too much.
Rogue stood quietly next to Remy—Death—as Hank examined him, though Remy just stared blankly at the floor. After that, she followed Remy like a lamb as Logan led him to a cell, watched as a wall of energy sealed him from the rest of the building.
Logan left them alone, and Rogue pulled up a chair, settling next to Remy's cell.
He sat on the bed, unmoving, continuing to stare at the floor.
Rogue fiddled nervously with her gloves, watching Remy as though something might happen if she waited long enough.
She finally spoke, needed to do something.
"Don't even know if you want me here. Don't even know if you know who I am-" Her voice caught.
Great start.
"But if you don't… In another time. A while before now. You loved me. And I loved you." She sniffled. "Did a real bad job o' tellin' you. Still not sure you even really knew."
She blew out a long breath.
"Can't imagine what seein' you was like for me. Was like the best Christmas mornin'. And then it wasn't."
She pulled off her right glove, waggling her fingers and looking at her scorched skin. She hadn't felt pain in a long time, not this kind. Maybe she needed it now, a reminder that this wasn't a dream.
She looked up, and Remy was now watching her, studying her arm closely.
She felt her jaw drop.
"You- Are you- You lookin' at my arm?"
He said nothing, just kept his gaze firmly fixed on her skin.
"I tried to help you. Helped someone like that before." She felt her eyes filling with tears. "Wasn't enough this time."
She wiped her face with the back of her gloved hand.
"Can't even tell whether you're worried you hurt me. Or just don't care. Guess you might even be glad 'bout it. But I hope not."
She studied Remy more closely.
He was almost slumped over, curled into himself, but his jaw was tight, and his hands were balled into fists.
Somethin's in there, she realized.
But who? And what?
Please be in there, she wanted to beg.
She wished she could just know what he was thinking.
Was he was confused? Did he remember any of them, did he know who any of the X-Men were or why he was here? Maybe he hated all of them and was merely biding his time. Or maybe he hurt, felt regret, didn't know how to reconcile who he was with who he had become. Maybe he didn't even want to.
It hurt her heart to think about.
Love is pain, En Sabah Nur had said.
Rogue guessed it was.
She wished she could hold Remy, even if she couldn't make it alright. Then he might at least feel something like comfort. Then he might at least know-
Something occurred to her.
Love hurt because it made you helpless. Because it took away control that had never truly been yours. It meant giving some of yourself, all of yourself, to a keeper who could do with it whatever they chose.
But love was powerful, deeply meaningful because it wasn't only about getting something back. Remy might have nothing left to return to her.
But there was another side of the coin. Her side.
Rogue had love to give, love to show. The offer was hers to make, the leap was hers to take.
It hurt to offer love that might not be wanted, and it would break her heart if it was something Remy didn't want to take.
But she was also better for having love in that heart, and that was why love was worth every ounce of heartache, every moment of pain.
Remy might not want anything from her, might not even know what he wanted or needed right now. Maybe he wanted something she could never give.
But that didn't matter anyway.
She could only offer the heart that she had. And even if he didn't want it, he would know that if he jumped, she would catch him. That no matter what he did, her love was there all the same.
"Remy, I love you," she told him firmly. "Whether you're still in there or not. And no matter what, I'll be ready for you. Don't matter if you hate me or you're afraid, or even if you don't know who I am. All o' me's waitin' for you."
She could feel tears streaming down her cheeks, but she found that she didn't care.
"Whenever you're ready. If you're ever ready. I'll be here."
Audio/Podfic Version
(read aloud by me)
Length: 10:35
Listen: Pain of Love mp3