Work Text:
Guest: I’m writing to inquire about the copy of “Molecular biology of the cell”. You say in your ad that it’s in good condition yet the price is concerningly low. So I’m just wondering what’s wrong with it? Best regards, Isak Valtersen.
Room 101: I’m sorry but why would anything be wrong with it?
Guest: Because the only other used copy I’ve found was 850 Kroner. I just reckon that something must be wrong with it or it wouldn’t be so cheap?
Room 101: There’s really nothing wrong with the book.
Room 101: Well, apart from it being on biophysics, I guess.
Guest: And what’s wrong with biophysics?
Room 101: It lacks soul, Isak.
Guest: ??
Room 101: Soul. It’s lacking it.
Room 101: Oh, and it’s mind-dumbingly dull.
Guest: …
Guest: Okay, subject apart, what’s wrong with the book?
Room 101: Even.
Guest: What?
Room 101: What’s wrong with the book, Even? It’s my name.
Guest: Fine. What’s wrong with the book, Even?
Room 101: There’s a slight crease in the spine and the previous owner’s name is on the cover page, but apart from that, it’s a good, clean copy.
Guest: It’s just, 675 Kroner sounds a bit too good to be true. Guess it would be a very niche catfish attempt, though, using biophysics textbooks. Still…
Room 101: *photo of a blond guy standing behind a table, book and an issue of that day’s Verdens Gang clearly on display, while threateningly holding a half open box of matches*
Guest: …
Guest: Do you kidnap books for a living? Because that looks like a very professional set up.
Room 101: How else do you expect me to keep such low prices, Isak?
Guest: So what you’re saying is, I’m not so much buying the book as paying its ransom?
Room 101: Same shit, different name.
Guest: …
Guest: Okay, go ahead and make your demands, Mr Kidnapper.
Room 101: 675 for the book and 19 for the postage, in unmarked bills, to be left behind the left heather plant, in the round metal planter, outside of Paleet.
Guest: Right.
Room 101: Or you can vipps me the money and I’ll send you your soulless book later today.
*****
Isak: I just had the weirdest conversation with some customer service guy at a bookshop in Oslo.
Jonas: Elaborate, please.
Isak: So you know how I’ve complained about that stupidly expensive Molecular Biology of the Cell book?
Jonas: God, yes…
Isak: I had found a used one at Bookis for 850 Kroner, but then I found this post offering it for 675 Kroner, which… too good to be true, right?
Jonas: Right.
Isak: Especially since the Bookis one looked like it was held together with scotch tape and black magic and this 675 Kroner one looked pretty mint.
Isak: So I wrote to ask what was wrong with it and this guy said that it was on biophysics and lacked soul. Or something.
Jonas: Which is valid.
Isak: Fuck off.
Isak: Anyway, he was pretty weird but I ended up vippsing him the money. I’m just hoping the whole thing is legit.
Isak: And that their delivery service is better than their customer service.
*****
Guest: Wasn’t expecting the book so soon.
Guest: Thank you.
Guest: This is Isak Valtersen btw.
Room 101: We aim for excellent service, Isak
Room 101: Also, I’m bored.
Room 101: Knock knock.
Guest: Really?
Room 101: Yes, really. Knock knock, Isak.
Guest: Who’s there?
Room 101: Duck goes.
Guest: Duck goes who?
Room 101: No, silly, owls go who, ducks go QUACK.
Guest: 🙄🙄🙄
Room 101: Come on, some of my best work and not even a giggle?
Guest: THAT was some of your best work??
Room 101: Do not insult a genius’ work, Isak.
Guest: Genius??
Room 101: Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s not genius.
Guest: You’re weird.
Room 101: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Guest: Anyway, I have a lecture to go to, I just wanted to say thank you.
Room 101: You’re just going to text and run, Isak? Didn’t Monday mean anything to you? We laughed, we cried, and now I find out you don’t really care. I thought we had something special, but I’m just another book seller to you, aren’t I? I feel so used now, Isak. So. So. Used.
Guest: As I said. Weird.
Room 101: 😎
*****
Guest: You wouldn’t happen to have a copy of Becker’s World of the Cell for less than 955 Kroner, would you?
Room 101: “Hello, Even, I’ve missed you. Have you slept well and kept hydrated since our last chat?” Which was over a week ago, Isak. I could have been laying dead in a ditch somewhere for all you cared.
Guest: Right. Still weird then?
Room 101: A ditch. Filled with cold water. And possibly cow dung.
Guest: I looked up your shop. Not many cows around Løkka as far as I know.
Room 101: I could have been travelling. Also, you looked me up?! Aww, Isak, that is so romantic 🩷
Guest: Becker’s World of the Cell…
Room 101: Fine. But just know that I’ll be playing Hot N Cold on repeat for the rest of the day so if any of our customers strangle me, then that’s on you.
Guest: I don’t want to know, do I?
Room 101: Katy Perry is a queen! And no, we don’t have your soulless cell book. I have a friend who might have it though, want me to check for you?
Guest: Yes please.
Room 101: So I guess this is when I ask you for your number, then.
Guest: ??
Room 101: You do realise that you’re still using our help chat, right? Which is great for asking questions like ‘do you have this one book I need because I have a creepy cell fetish,’ but not so great for your superhero bookshop owner to get back to you once he’s found the book you’re looking for.
Guest: Oh. It’s 979 92 121.
Room 101: Ok, I’ll get back to you tonight. And apparently I have to go do some actual work now or my partner will start throwing books at me. Again. I’ll text you tonight, Isak.
*****
995 25 101: Knock knock
Isak: Again?
995 25 101: You’re really not good at knock knock jokes, are you, Isak?
995 25 101: Knock, knock.
Isak: Who’s there?
995 25 101: The Doctor.
Isak: Doctor who?
995 25 101: vworp, vworp.
Isak: What the fuck is a vworp??
995 25 101: Not a fan of the Doctor, I take it? Despite your weird cell fetish and all? Anyway, I can get you your cell book for 600 if that’s ok with you.
Isak: Fuck yeah!! Definitely ok.
995 25 101: Same procedure as last time, then. Vipps me the 600 plus 19 kroner in postage and I’ll send it to you tomorrow.
Isak: Great.
Isak: Thanks.
995 25 101: No worries. Anything else I can do for you while I’m at it? Another book? A good recipe for baked salmon? A bedtime story? I’ve been told I’m great at those.
Isak: You’ve got kids?
995 25 101: Yeah, a boy and a girl. The boy is five and the girl is three and both of them love my bedtime stories. Only last night I told them a thrilling story about how Jack the Ripper had returned as a ghost and was killing people in their sleep, Freddy Krueger style.
995 25 101: Orwell, that’s the boy, says that he wants to be a serial killer when he grows up. Brontë hasn’t decided yet, she’s deliberating between gorgon and princess.
Isak: You’re kidding, right?
995 25 101: Of course I’m fucking kidding. As if I’d name my daughter for the Brontë sisters when Jane Austen exists? Who do you take me for??
Isak: I don’t know, who’s Jane Austen?
995 25 101: You did not just say that, Isak. You did NOT just ask me who Jane Austen is.
Isak: I’ve heard the name, I guess. I’m just not that into books, okay?
995 25 101: Jane Austen didn’t just ‘write books’, though. She wrote epic love stories, man.
Isak: Love stories 🙄
995 25 101: Don’t you 🙄 at me and my gurl Jane, Isak. She was the Margaret Atwood of the Regency era when it came to commentary on the inequality of society, and don’t you forget it.
Isak: Who’s Margaret Atwood?
995 25 101: I’m judging you, Isak. Judging you hard.
Isak: 😎
****
Eskild: Okay, that’s the third time that you’ve mentioned this Even guy, who is he?
Isak: No one.
Eskild: Right. No one. Have you got a boyfriend?
Isak: No?
Eskild: Why the question mark? You don’t know if you’ve got a boyfriend?
Isak: No, I don’t have a boyfriend. Even’s just this nerdy guy who owns a bookshop at Løkka.
Eskild: Right, and how do you know this nerdy bookshop owner? I mean, you’re not the most bookish kind of guy.
Isak: Hey, I read!!
Eskild: The pornhub video descriptions don't count.
Isak: Fuck you. I read.
Eskild: Like what?
Isak: Like I’m reading Pride and Prejudice at the moment.
Eskild: Jane Austen, huh? So… does that mean that there’s a single man in possession of a good bookshop in want of a husband over at Løkka, then?
Isak: Fuck!! Off!!
Isak: Anyway, he said he has a partner and I’m not sure whether it’s a business partner or a PARTNER partner.
Eskild: Aww, and you'd prefer it if it was a business partner, wouldn’t you?
Isak: …
Isak: I guess.
Isak: Maybe.
Isak: I don’t know.
Eskild: Oh, Issy 🫂
Eskild: So, what’s the name of the shop?
Isak: Not telling.
Eskild: Come on, Isak. I’ll just go snoop a little. See who your bookshop boy is. And maybe find out about his marital status. It’ll be fun.
Isak: Yeah, like your idea of fun isn’t considered a breach of the Geneva convention in at least 43 countries.
Isak: But fine 🙄🙄🙄. It's called Room 101 and is located at Thorvald Meyers Gate 21.
Isak: Please don’t make me regret this 🙏🏻
Eskild: Thorvald Meyers Gate, huh? What a coincidence, I was just going there later today. What were the odds?
Isak: My guess? Very, very low 🤦🏼♂️
*****
Even: Do you know a ginger guy called Eskild?
Isak: No.
Isak: Well, maybe.
Isak: Why?
Even: Just… this guy came into the shop today, said he’d had it recommended by his friend Isak, and then proceeded to ask me about my love life before trying to ask out Elias. It was an experience.
Even: Are you spying on me, Isak?
Isak: No!
Isak: And, I mean, who’d ask ESKILD to spy on someone? He’s as inconspicuous as three elephants in a very small porcelain factory.
Even: Point. Anyway, for your information, I’m twenty four, pan, and single. Just in case Eskild didn’t get all of that while going through my desk in an effort to ‘ward off negative energy’.
Isak: …
Isak: He is very spiritual?
Even: Of course he is… 😑 Anyway, I should probably warn you that he asked me for my favourite book.
Isak: And that’s a cause for concern why?
Even: He bought a copy of it as a gift for someone, so just a heads up in case you end up with a copy of The Fault in Our Stars in your letterbox.
*****
Isak: I hate you so much.
Even: ??
Isak: The fucking cancer book.
Even: 😈😈😈
Even: You read it?
Isak: I really, really hate you.
Even: You cried, didn’t you 😏
Isak: …
Isak: Maybe.
Isak: But why did he have to die? Couldn’t they’ve all just gone into remission and lived happily ever after?
Isak: The book sucks. Cancer sucks. And you suck too, btw.
Even: Only when asked nicely 😏
Isak: …
Isak: How nicely?
*****
issyk: And then he just stopped texting, and now that text just sits there and I don’t know, should I text him that I was only joking? Or like, send a smiley? Or…
JoBro: What kind of arsehole leaves you on read like that, though?
Magssss: Wait, you GO DOWN on guys??????
JoBro: So not the issue right now.
Magssss: Yeah, I know but I’ve just always kinda wanted to know what it’s like to, you know… 🍆💦👅
JoBro: Thinking about branching out, Mags?
issyk: Want me to ask Eskild to set you up?
Magssss: Fuck you, I’m not gay! It’s just something I’ve wondered about, like… what’s the appeal?
JoBro: Want to take this one, Issy?
issyk: NO!!
issyk: Can we talk about something else now? Preferably something that won’t force me into several years of therapy?
JoBro: Ok, so what are we all doing tomorrow? I don’t have anything on so I was thinking maybe I should get a new book or something. Anyone else?
Magssss: Yeah, Vilde was talking about this book she wants to read. I could come with you and get it for her, get me some bonus best boyfriend points.
issyk: I HATE YOU BOTH
JoBro: MrMahdi, you in?
issyk: SO MUCH
MrMahdi: Don’t need a book, but if we’re stopping at Maccern afterwards, then why not.
issyk: RIGHT NOW
JoBro: So that’s decided then. You know, I’ve heard about this small bookshop over at Løkka that’s supposed to be good, what do you guys say about checking it out?
issyk: YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER WANKERS!!!
JoBro: What? We only want to support our local community by buying books from an independent bookshop. I don’t understand why you’re getting so upset by this?
Magssss: 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
issyk: Because you’re all wankers, that’s why.
issyk: 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻
JoBro: You really should talk to someone about your anger issues, Isak.
issyk: I don’t have anger issues, I have shitty friends.
JoBro: Okay, that’s fair.
Magssss: We gotta check that this Even guy is good enough for our best bro, man.
issyk: Please don’t.
JoBro: No one leaves our Issy on read and gets away with it.
MrMahdi: Don’t worry, Isak, I promise to keep these two idiots from doing anything too stupid.
issyk: Right. Well, good luck with that…
*****
Isak: Knock, knock?
Even: …
Even: Who’s there?
Isak: Jam.
Even: Jam who?
Isak: Jam feeling pretty confused right now. You kinda just disappeared?
Even: I know, I’m sorry. I panicked.
Even: If it’s any comfort, my friends have already told me that I’m an arsehole.
Isak: You’d fit right in with my friends then. Arseholes, the lot of them.
Isak: Which reminds me. I’m sorry about tomorrow.
Even: What’s tomorrow?
Isak: Oh, you’ll find out.
*****
Even: Thanks for the heads up. Really. 🤡🤡 Can we perchance expect any more of your friends to stop by?
Isak: No, this should be it.
Isak: Well, there might be a group of girls coming your way too, come to think about it.
Even: At least they all seem to buy books so it’s good for our bank balance. Anyway, there might be a bit of an explosion coming your way too, once Elias informed his sister.
Even: Good luck with that 😈
*****
Sanasol: ISAK VALTERSEN!!!!!
Sanasol: Even????? Really?? And I get to hear it from my BROTHER?????
Isak: …
Isak: Fuck.
*****
Isak: Sana’s brother is your partner??
Even: Surprise?
Isak: SANA’S BROTHER is your partner???
Even; Right, so did I forget to tell you that I knew who you were once I found out that your name was Isak Valtersen?
Isak: Yes, Even, that information seems to have completely slipped your mind.
Even: Ooops?
Isak: You’re not as cute as you think you are.
Even: Maybe not, but you’re every bit as cute as I think you are.
Isak: …
Isak: What??
Even: I had this huge crush on you when you were at Nissen. I used to watch you every time you came over to Sana’s to study.
Even: You never watched me back, though.
Isak: Well, to be fair, that was during my ‘I’m not gay’ period. But believe me, I definitely watched.
Isak: Jeans jacket and a gray hoodie, right? And a tendency to fiddle with whatever objects were close by?
Even: That’s…
Even: Well I’m still wearing the jeans jacket. Probably the same hoodie too. Not sure about the fiddling though. I only fiddle when I’m nervous.
Isak: And did I make you nervous, Even? Hmm?
Even: SO nervous.
Even: Still do.
*****
Isak: That’s stupid.
Even: Take that up with Crichton.
Isak: But there’s no fucking chance that they’d be able to extract useable DNA from a fucking mosquito 7 million years later. It’s stupid. And unrealistic.
Even: Once again, I’m not Michael Crichton. Nor Steven Spielberg. You’re barking up the wrong dinosaur here.
Isak: You were the one talking about how scientifically accurate the book was, though.
Even: Life will find a way, young Valtersen.
Isak: Maybe, but not that way.
Isak: Because that way is stupid.
Isak: And unrealistic.
Even: I’m looking forward to you finding out that a lot of the dinosaurs in the book aren't even from the Jurassic period.
Isak: Spoilers, Even…
Even: It’s been over thirty years, I’m sure the statute of limitations on spoilers has run out.
*****
Even: So what you’re saying is that in another universe, Sana introduced us and we fell madly in love.
Isak: I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what I was saying.
Even: And we’re now living together in a studio flat in Grefsen with a cockatiel and a small dog.
Isak: DEFINITELY not what I was saying.
Even: And a dying potted plant on the kitchen table because I keep forgetting to water it and you water it too much.
Even: And the curtains are billowing in the light wind from the open window.
Isak: I’ll let Stephen Hawking know about this very specific theory, shall I?
Even: Yellow curtains, Isak. Hand sewn by my mum, of course.
Isak: You’re weird.
Even: You’re the one talking about multiple universes and I’M the weird one??
Isak: But it’s so interesting, though. How every decision you don’t make will play out somewhere in a parallel universe.
Even: I don’t know, it mostly makes me hungry.
Isak: ??
Even: Well, imagine all those Evens out there, eating all that great food. Like, one Even is living in Paris right now, eating lobster at the Eiffel Tower, and one Even is eating a burger at The Nice Guy in LA. And then there’s the Even who took a gap year after uni and is travelling through Southeast Asia and is enjoying a Khao Soi from some street food stall in Bangkok right now.
Isak: So. Weird.
Even: And hungry, so the Even in this universe is about to head to Peppe’s to pick up a pizza. Ttyl.
*****
Even: We just got hold of that book on microorganisms you asked about last week. Not the best copy, but overall good, I think. Considering the condition, I guess 450 would be a fair price?
Isak: Deal. Can’t talk now, though. Seminar.
*****
Even: Knock knock.
Isak: Really?
Even: Yes, really. Knock knock, Isak.
Isak: Who’s there?
Even: Baby Yoda.
Isak: Baby Yoda who?
Even: Baby Yoda guy for me.
Isak: …
Even: <3
Isak: …
Isak: …
Isak: <3
*****
Even: So what did you save me as?
Isak: ??
Even: My number. I realised I never asked what you saved me as. Please tell me you saved me as ‘The man of my dreams’.
Isak: Yes, because I’m a twelve year old girl in a romance novel.
Even: Twelve year old girl? What kind of romance novels are you reading???
Isak: You know what I mean.
Even: Do I? Do I really? Are you catfishing me, Isak? Is that even your name? Are you a twelve year old girl with a biophysics kink?
Isak: I saved you as Weird Even. Because obvs… 🙄🙄
Even: Aww, pet names already, Isak? Knew you couldn’t refuse my charm.
Isak: ‘Charm’, is that really what we’re calling it?
Even: Would you prefer beauty? Charisma? Allure?
Isak: How about delusion of grandeur?
Even: Sexual magnetism?
Isak: Nevermind.
*****
Isak: Did you know highlighters come in hot pink, Even.
Isak: “Wow, do they? I never knew that. However do you know that, Isak?”
Isak: Because the Brock Biology of Microorganisms is full of highlighter, Even. Bright. Hot pink. Highlighter.
Isak: Do you know how hard it is to read about mucosal microbes when the text comes with a HOT PINK BACKGROUND???
Even: I take it the mucus book didn’t meet your standards then.
Isak: Stop calling it the mucus book.
Isak: And it’s fine, but the highlighter really is annoying.
Even: I’m sorry about that, I really didn’t think it was that noticeable.
Isak: Where do you find all these textbooks btw? Well, not this one, this one you obviously found in the deepest pits of hell. But the other ones, they seemed almost new?
Even: They’re about biophysics, Isak. No one wants to read about biophysics. People buy the books, read two pages, then realise that they’ve made a giant mistake.
Isak: No, they don’t, because biophysics is interesting.
Even: A GIANT mistake…
Isak: 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻
Even: Also, Sana’s great at getting us textbooks for cheap 😉
Isak: Right. ‘Behind every great fortune there is a crime.’
Even: What can I say, she makes her fellow students offers they can’t refuse.
Isak: The Godmother™️
Isak: Oh God, please don’t tell her I said that, I’m too young to die.
Even: And what’s my incentive?
Isak: Who else is going to buy all those boring textbooks?
Even: Someone less inclined to complain about them?
Isak: Pink highlighter, Even. PINK.
*****
Magssss: How’s it going with Evak?
issyk: ??
Magssss: Isak and Even. Evak. It’s what Vilde is calling you, it’s a kinda portman something or other.
issyk: Why is Vilde calling us anything to begin with??
JoBro: A portmanteau. Like Kimye and Robsten and shit.
issyk: And wtf is a robsten???
JoBro: According to Eva, you take the beginning of one name and then add on the ending of the other and that’s your ship name.
issyk: I really don’t want to know.
issyk: Wait, so would that make Magnus and Vilde Malde?
JoBro: Or Vignus, I guess?
MrMahdi: Can we just please get back to talking about what we should do for Issy’s return to Oslo next month?
Magssss: I still say we should take Danskebåten to Copenhagen for a weekend of debauchery.
issyk: No.
JoBro: No.
MrMahdi: No. Also, debauchery?
Magssss: Why not?
MrMahdi: Debauchery??
issyk: I just want to take it easy for a bit. Settle back in.
JoBro: Meet up with Even for some kissy times.
issyk: Shut up.
JoBro: Anyway, I think Eskild is planning enough debauchery as it is.
Magssss: Party at Kollektivet, let’s gooooooo!!!!!!
issyk: Fuck.
*****
Isak: A party, Eskild? Really??
Eskild: Ooops. Who snitched?
Isak: I’m pretty sure I said no when you asked.
Eskild: You know what they say. A no isn’t always a no.
Isak: Thanks, Andrew Tate, that’s very red pill of you.
Isak: And I don’t want a welcome home party.
Eskild: Well, you’re getting one anyway. We’re all happy to get your grumpy arse back from Trondheim, although god knows why. So you’re getting a welcome home party no matter how much you complain.
Isak: Could you make it a welcome home party with just you, me, and Linn?
Eskild: No.
Isak: You’ve already invited half of Oslo, haven’t you?
Eskild: …ish?
Isak: I hate you.
Eskild: I love you too, Baby Jesus.
Isak: …
Isak: ❤️
*****
Isak: So…
Even: So?
Isak: I’ll be doing my research project in Oslo.
Even: Okay?
Isak: And I’ll be living in a flatshare over at Deichmans Gate.
Even: Sounds nice.
Isak: Which is about a twenty minute walk away from your shop.
Even: Is it? Huh. I didn’t know that.
Isak: Fucks sake, Even, you don’t think you could help me out a bit here?
Even: Help you out with what?
Isak: I’m trying to suggest that we meet up when I’m back in Oslo, okay??
Even: Oh. Yeah, okay, I guess.
Isak: I mean, only if you want?
Isak: Which, I’m getting a strong feeling that you don’t??
Even: Mm, I guess we can.
Even: As long as it doesn’t clash with this party I’m going to, though. Because there’s this guy I’m kinda interested in who’s having a welcome home party I don’t want to miss.
Isak: Fuck you!!
Even: Well, that’s always a possibility 😉
*****
Isak: Do you think it’s strange that we haven’t facetimed?
Even: Are people suggesting that I’m catfishing you again?
Isak: Are you?
Even: Yes.
Isak: For my textbooks and my student loan?
Even: Well, you know how much I love those biophysics’ books.
Isak: Oh, I know 🙄
Isak: But don’t you think we should facetime before we meet?
Even: Where’s the fun in that?
Isak: We’d actually be able to SEE each other?
Even: And spoil the illusion? Finding out that you’ve lost those luscious princely curls and have grown a beer belly? Perish the thought!!
Isak: Talking from experience there, are you?
Even: Leave my beer belly out of this. I think it makes me look distinguished, thanks.
Even: Anyway, epistolary love stories are my favourite trope. I can be the Helene Hanff to your Frank Doel.
Isak: ??
Even: 84 Charing Cross Road. Great book, you should read it.
Even: Although to be fair, it wasn’t an in love love story. And she only made it to London after Frank died. So I hope that’s not what we’re going for here.
Isak: Weirdo.
Isak: And I guess that’s a no to facetime then, Helene?
Even: Yes, Frank. We need to keep the mystery alive in our relationship after all.
Isak: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that, the mystery is definitely alive.
Even: Thank you.
Isak: Not a compliment.
Even: Everything is a compliment if you approach it with a positive attitude.
Isak: You’re an idiot.
Even: Thank you 😎
Isak: Oh ffs.
*****
Isak: So Dad came by and picked up most of my shit yesterday.
Even: And against all odds, you survived.
Isak: Barely.
Isak: Anyway, I’ll be arriving at Oslo S at 16:48 on Saturday.
Even: I know, I’ve written it down in my calendar. 16:48, the Return of the King.
Isak: Return of the King? Does that make me Aragorn in this scenario? Because I’m fine with that.
Even: Ooooh, look at you and your vast Tolkien knowledge, I’ll make a proper little nerd out of you yet.
Isak: Sorry but it’s my vast Peter Jackson knowledge we’re talking about here. Viggo Mortensen is HOT.
Even: You philistine!!
Even: Although Viggo is hot, no objections there.
Isak: Anyway. 16:48 on Saturday.
Even: Return of the King. Right.
Isak: And even if Dad took most of my stuff, I’ll still have some shit left.
Even: Right.
Isak: So I might need help carrying stuff from the train.
Even: Right.
Isak: You’re going to make me ask, aren’t you?
Even: Yes.
Isak: Fucker.
Even: Is insulting the person you want to help you haul your shit from the train to your flat really in your best interest?
Isak: …
Isak: I meant fucker in a nice way?
Even: Of course you did.
*****
Isak: Train just left Lillehammer. Not as scenic as I was led to expect.
Even: I’m sure Lillehammer is feeling very apologetic about that.
Isak: As it should be.
Isak: Anyway, you still up for helping me carry my crap?
Even: Mr Muscles is my middle name.
Isak: Family name, I take it?
Even: Of course. I come from a long line of Muscles. My uncle, Deltoid Muscles, has a gym down in Skien. Great grandpa, Brachii Muscles, used to be a prize fighter. I’ve even managed to trace my lineage all the way back to the Roman Empire, where my ancestor, Gluteus Maximus Muscles, was a very famous gladiator at the Colosseum.
Isak: And was that where he met his wife, Totalia Fictivious Muscles?
Even: Are you calling me a liar, Isak?? 🥺🥺🥺
Isak: Yes.
Even: I’m sure Totalia would be absolutely devastated at how easily you dismissed her epic love story.
Isak: I’ll be sure to apologise to her at your next family reunion.
Even: You better, she’s very skilful with her net and trident.
Isak: And also very fictional. So I’ll just take my chances.
Isak: Trains are REALLY boring btw.
Even: So why didn’t you fly instead?
Isak: The environment, Even. We have to think about the environment.
Even: Of course 😑
Even: Train was cheaper, wasn’t it?
Isak: Maybe…
Even: Present Isak regretting past Isak’s choices?
Isak: Present Isak is envying the Isaks in all the other universes where the past Isaks were smart enough to book flights instead.
Even: Aww, poor present Isak, stuck in the same universe as cheapskate Isak. My heart goes out to you.
Isak: I might not like cheapskate Isak at the moment but he did save me 400 Kroner. Future Isak doing a grocery run will appreciate cheapskate Isak quite a lot.
Even: I’m very sad to have missed meeting Isak the Frugal but I’m looking forward to meeting near future Isak soon.
Isak: Well, near future Isak will arrive Oslo S in about one hour and forty five minutes and he’s very much looking forward to seeing near future Even too.
Even: Near future Even is pretty much shivering with antici…
Even: …pation.
Even: Present Even is actually writing this from the Espresso House overlooking track 18 right now.
Isak: Seriously? You’re already at the station? Two hours before I get there?
Even: One hour and forty three minutes. And counting.
Even: Anyway, Elias said I was being annoying so he kicked me out of the shop. Which leaves him in charge for the rest of the day btw, so God knows how that’ll end. Best case scenario, the shop still has four walls and a roof by closing time. Hope springs eternal.
Isak: And the best thing you could think of doing with a day off was to go sit at an overpriced and overcrowded coffee shop at Oslo Central?
Even: It’s actually pretty empty at the moment.
Isak: Not arguing the overpriced part then?
Even: God, no. 130 Kroner for an iced mango macha and a cardamom bun is borderline highway robbery.
Even: Makes it feel more real, though.
Isak: Being robbed?
Even: You. Us.
Even: It feels more real sitting here.
Even: Not to pressure you or anything.
Even: It’s not like I’m expecting, like
Even: Sorry, hit send by mistake. But it’s not.
Even: Me expecting anything, I mean.
Even: I’m hoping, though.
Even: Very much.
Even: That was a lot, wasn’t it?
Even: Sorry, I didn’t mean to come over all, you know, desperate or something, I just…
Even: I’m a bit nervous.
Even: More than a bit, really.
Even: But I mean it. I’m not expecting anything.
Even: And sorry about all the texts, I just really, you know…
Even: Sorry.
Isak: …
Isak: Well, I’m hoping too, you know.
Isak: Some days, your texts were all that, I don’t know, kept me together?
Isak: That sounded stupid, didn’t it?
Isak: I mean, I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have made it through the term without them, just…
Isak: They made it easier. You made it easier. I never thanked you for that. So, thank you.
Isak: And yeah, as I said, I’m hoping too.
Isak: (And if you ever tell anyone I said all this crap, I’ll have to kill you…)
Even: So, me embarrassing myself in front of this guy I like wasn’t exactly necessary is what you’re saying.
Isak: Well, it did pass some time? I mean, it’s only one hour and thirty seven minutes left now?
Even: I’m going to need another macha 😅
Isak: Maybe get another flavour next time though, I don’t like the taste of mango 😏
Even: …
Even: How do you feel about strawberry?
Isak: I could go for some strawberry.
Even: Guess I’ll go order myself a strawberry and cream frapino then.
Isak: 😋😋😋
*****
JoBro: Corral’s tomorrow to celebrate Issy’s return to civilization?
Magssss: Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos!
JoBro: Hear that, issyk, Taco Sunday is go. MrMahdi, you in, right?
MrMahdi: For tacos? Always!
Magssss: Come on, issyk, you know you want to!!
MrMahdi: We’re being left hanging, aren’t we?
JoBro: Don’t tell us you have something more important to do.
JoBro: Or someone… 😏🍆💦
Magssss: Aww, our baby is all grown up and getting laid. I’m so proud.
MrMahdi: Bring him with you tomorrow, we gotta make sure he eats so he keeps his strength up.
Magssss: 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
Magssss: Only the best sex for our Issy.
JoBro: Although remember to wrap it before you tap it. Safe sex is important.
issyk: I hate you all.
issyk: Corral’s at 18:00 tomorrow then? And yeah, I’ll bring Even.
JoBro: 18:00 is good. See you then.
JoBro: Now get back to who you were doing 😏
Magssss: Bow chicka wow wow 💦💦💦
issyk: 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻
*****
Even: Good night, Isak.
Isak: Did you just text me? Now? I mean, you’re lying right next to me, you could just talk to me, you know?
Even: Oh, I know.
Even: ❤️🐬🌞🍆💯
Isak: You’re weird.
Isak: ❤️
Even: …
Even: You want another kiss, don’t you?
Isak: Yeah.
Even: Fine.
Even: Come here, then.
Even: ❤️