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The medecine sits heavily in his pocket.
Hailou picked it up next to his mentor's cold hand, wondering what it was but also hoping, somewhere, that it was exactly what he thought it was. And when he discovered the truth in the cave earlier while looking through that serpent's eyes, only one though has been in Hailou's mind : get Haixia to take that medecine.
The both of them have been fighting for a few minutes now.
Hailou would only need a few seconds to get Haixia to take the pill, but no matter how much he tries, he can't get close enough to his lover.
He knew it wouldn't be easy. The both of them excel in the art of combat and their movements are too similar for one of them to manage to touch the other. Their knives clash against each other and though Hailou still finds ways to avoid directly hitting Haixia, Haixia doesn't have the same qualms. His strikes are precise and deadly and Hailou would have been gone a few times already if it wasn't for his training and quick reflexes.
Despite their matching styles, a particularly strong kick throws Hailou backwards, making him loose his dagger in the process. He quickly raises to his feet, determined to retrieve his weapon, but Haixia is quicker and already picking it up, making it swirl in his hand.
"Lost something ?" he asks, tone teasing but stance ready to go back into it.
Devoid of weapons able to counter Haixia's knives, Hailou falls back, trying to find the crack in Haixia's defense. He avoids three blows meant to kill before an idea surges in his head.
As his opponent closes in once again, Hailou falls to one knee, grips Haixia's right ankle and pulls hard. Haixia doesn't even have the time to react before he finds himself on his back on the ground.
Taking advantage of the element of surprise, Hailou wastes no time and stradles Haixia's waist, pinning the knives holding hands to the ground alongside his body. The older boy tries to get away, almost growling at his failed attempts, before he becomes limp under Hailou's body.
"And now what ?" asks the thing pretending to be Haixia, smirking. "You're going to keep me here forever ? Because you are incapable of killing us ?"
While talking, it continuously tries to break free, pushing onto the hands holding his wrists, but Hailou doesn't let go. He just stares at the thing beneath him having stolen his beloved's face and using it to express emotions Haixia would never even have thought of using towards him. Haixia has always looked at him with fond and enamoured looks, his face showing nothing but happiness and joy at his presence.
Now, it only shows anger and hate, teeth bared and eyes narrowed, like Hailou is a thing to destroy and not cherish anymore.
He can't let that thing prosper in Haixia's body. But there is also no world where he would kill Haixia to get rid of the entity for good. He knows he should, for the good of the world and all that. He also knows Shrimpie would probably kill him if their roles were reversed, not wanting Hailou to live on with the atrocities he commited under the entity's control.
But Hailou isn't Haixia.
And Hailou can't live without Haixia.
And he'd prefer an alive Haixia furious with him, and burdened with events that could one day become lighter on his shoulders, than a dead one.
Zhang Hailou has a plan, a risky one and he'll only get one chance.
He can't miss. He won't.
Using his newly acquired speed, Hailou releases Haixia's left wrist to plaster his hand on his lover's open lips before he can react and block it. There, he lets the pills hidden in his palm all along fall into Haixia's mouth.
He barely has time to take a breath before it is knock out of his lungs by the impact he feels on the right side of his chest. Hailou gasps, shocked eyes staring into the ones he loves so much and are now looking at him with contempt and smugness. He slowly turns his head to the right, spotting the knife protruding from his side and tightly being held by Haixia's hand. Said hand doesn't waste time to twist the weapon as slowly as it can, the burst of pain following making Hailou choke on air and his vision to go white.
Still, he doesn't retrieve his hand. He won't let that thing ruin the only chance he has to bring back Haixia. He feels it trying to free his mouth from under his palm, to spit out the pill, but Hailou doesn't let it.
When he comes back to himself, the thing has stopped struggling. He looks back at Haixia, expecting the same cold grin he got lately everytime they met, but in its place, he finds furrowed brows and confused eyes. It's working. he thinks, the relief almost eclipsing the pain.
He sees one last expression of pure hatred on Haixia's face before the knife is ripped out of him. The scream that tore out of him echoes in the cave as his back archs in pain. It leaves him breathless, his whole body feeling like it is on fire. He can taste the iron on his tongue.
Hailou can't stay upright anymore and falls forward onto his hands, each one on a side of Haixia's head. He is back to staring into those beautiful dark eyes and, amidst the fog that is starting to fill his mind, he is surprised to see them looking back at him in anguish.
"Hailou..." Haixia whispers in horror.
It worked. he thinks, the relief almost making him crumble on the spot.
"You- You got it right, this time, Shrimpie." Hailou simply says with a bloody smile.
Still supporting himself on his hands, he feels his strength quickly leaving his body and when he starts to sway, Haixia's hands instantly come up to his waist to steady him.
Hailou has not stopped looking at Haixia, so relieved and happy to see eyes he knows by heart after the abyss that were the entity's ones. But his dying heart can't help but gives a painful squeeze at the look of desperation and panic he finds there.
"Hailou, what did you do !" Haixia asks, voice pained and shaky.
His lover quickly sits, with Hailou still on his lap, and circles Hailou's waist with his arms to prevent him from falling.
Their faces are only inches away from each other and Haixia can feel the stuttering breaths of Hailou hitting his face. He can feel the blood quickly soaking his sleeve and pants where it is falling.
And yet, the fool is still smiling.
He feels Hailou's cold fingers touch his cheeks, staying there while he looks at him in awe.
"You're back." And his smile widens even more, blood not stopping trickling out. "I missed you." he whispers, tears in his eyes.
Haixia's grip tighten on his waist, not knowing how to respond to the pain he hears in his lover's voice, a pain he delibarately put there.
Hailou's body then starts to sag forward and soon he finds himself completely embraced by Haixia's arms, his chin on his beloved's shoulder, arms limp at his sides.
"Hailou !"
The panic is really settling in in Haixia's mind now, growing the more Hailou becomes limp in his grasp. He is now completely leaning against Haixia, chest to chest, and hands weakly holding the back of his military vest. The ragged gasps close to his ear are the worst sounds Haixia has ever heard.
"Shrimpie..." Hailou mumbles, voice already so weak.
Haixia desperatly tries to stauch the blood pouring from the wound with his hand. Feeling Hailou's life leaking out without being able to stop it is unbearable. But Haixia knows it is pointless. He knows that the thing that is going to rip Hailou from him isn't the blood loss but the damages done to his insides. To his heart. Literally and figuratively. Damages he himself inflicted and for which he will never forgive himself for this.
Still, he tries.
"Hailou. Hold on, please." Haixia pleads, almost begs.
He can't lose him. He can't lose him.
Haixia is free from the foreign entity and Hailou is finally back in his arms, warm against him. But the context is so so wrong.
His right hand is resting on the back of Hailou's head, caressing the hair he finds there and feeling like his whole word is crashing down around him. But then he hears Hailou hum at the gesture, a familiar sound he came to associate to those little moments when they lazily laid in each other's arms, Hailou completely relaxed against him. And Haixia just breaks.
He lets go of the wound, knowing it is pointless now, and brings his arm around Hailou's back, tightening it to get the younger man as close to him as he can. He hides his face in Hailou's shoulder, tears slowly soaking the fabric.
"Why ?" comes the broken muffled question. "It was supposed to be me. Why would-" he interrupts himself, a sob making its way out, but also because he already knows the answer to this question. Of course he knows it. If their roles were reversed, Haixia would have done the same thing in a heartbeat.
But it doesn't ease the pain. Because in the end, it is by his hand that Hailou will have died. Hands, covered in the blood of innocents, that Hailou should have done everything in his power to make sure they stay still in death like it was planned, and not gripping at him like a lifeline to keep him from disappearing into nothingness.
He feels Hailou's hands tighten into his coat and all his attention comes back to the younger man.
"I had a plan." is all he says, like it is a logical explanation as to why he is actively bleeding out in Haixia's arms.
"So did I, Hailou. And it would have kept you safe." Haixia almost whines.
"But without you." The response is simple, immediate.
There is pain in his voice, and Haixia can't tell if it comes from his wound or his memories of already once living without Haixia.
Haixia's head lifts from the other's shoulder to look at the ceiling, his face contorted into a grimace of pain, Hailou's words strucking a chord he wishes it never found. Of course Haixia understands. He understands too well what Hailou is saying. And Hailou already lived through this once. He knows what if feels like to have his other half ripped out, absent. And Haixia should have thought of this when planning his death on the Nan'an. He should have known Hailou wouldn't let it happen twice.
That he wouldn't let go.
He wouldn't have either if he's honest. Haixia knows the pain he is feeling right now is nothing compared to the one he is going to feel when Hailou will go still in his arms and his voice will forever stop chanting in his ears. He knows that if given a second chance, he would do anything to prevent it from happening again, even if it meant for him to die instead.
Still, he doesn't answer.
Even if he wants Hailou to understand that it is the same for him, that he can't live without the other, he won't start that argument now. It wouldn't change the outcome anyway and it would just upset Hailou. And it is one of the last thing he wants right now.
So he just hugs him tighter, trying, by the gesture, to make him know he understands and doesn't blame him. Hailou hums again, a note of happiness in it, and it's like Haixia is the one who is being stabbed.
They stay like this a few seconds before Haixia feels Hailou's hands slowly letting go of his coat.
No, no, no !
He is not ready !
Haixia wildly grasps at Hailou, hands forming fists into the fabric of his vest, crushing his lover against him.
"Stay with me, Hailou. Stay with me." he chants, again and again, praying to any god listening to let them have more time.
But Hailou becomes more and more limp as time advances, his head heavy on Haixia's shoulder, body like lead in his arms. Haixia adjusts them, trying to get Hailou to stand straighter, to make him more alert, but his lover just sags again, no strengh left in his body. The little breath he has left gently caresses Haixia's nape, reassuring Haixia that he is still there.
"I feel a little tired."
The words are nothing but a murmur, but they explode in Haixia's mind, shattering his hopes of keeping Hailou a bit longer with him.
"Please. Please." Haixia begs, through gritted teeth, turning his head to place a lingering kiss on Hailou's temple.
Not like this !
He doesn't stop. Even when he feels those hands he loves to hold let go of his coat. Even when he hears Hailou sighs and not breath in again.
Even when he knows his pleas are now falling on deaf ears.
His mouth, buried in Hailou's shoulder, doesn't stop muttering and the way he holds Hailou's body would prevent anyone from drawing a single breath.
Haixia knows.
He knows.
But his mind refuses to face reality.
Closing his eyes, Haixia clungs to his lover and forces his mind to forget the dead weight on his lap and focus on happier times. On Hailou's smiles everytime he met Haixia's gaze, on the way he was always reaching or grasping at him to get his attention, on the laugh he could feel shaking Hailou's body when he took him in his arms.
But the skin of Hailou's cheek is starting to feel chilly against his. And the absence of movement coming from his chest is unnerving.
All these sensations don't match these memories of them.
Of him.
The despair, that had until then been outshined by a vain semblance of hope, comes back full force and Haixia can't stifle the cry that comes with it. His lungs feel constricted and his breaths are getting quicker and more laboured.
He clungs to Hailou, the tears falling on his cheeks and his body shaking with silent sobs.
He had already killed his mentor.
And now, he has killed Hailou.
He knows it wasn't him. Even they knew it wasn't him that brought down their final moments. Still, it feels like it is and Haixia knows this culpability will never disappear for as long as he lives. He will always feel their blood on his hands and hear the sound of their final breath in his mind .
He could have lived with himself if the only death on his conscience had been his mentor's. It would have hurt everyday, but with Hailou by his side, the pain would have eventually faded away in a few decades.
But Hailou's...
Haixia's chest squeezes awfully.
This one is too much.
Since he came back, he thought he knew how everything was going to end. He did everything he could so it would end like he expected it to end. Everything was planned.
Everything.
Everything except Hailou's love.