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I Can't really remember the day we first met exactly, though i bet we crossed paths a couple of times before seeing each other reguarly in french class.
I don't even remember our first french class. I only know that before we had one together, I'd had to miss one because i participated in a school event.
Over the years though, I got used to watching you sit there in the first row, engaging in countless activities and conversations and laughing with everyone in that room. I remember you used to nlush slightly when our teacher announced, that once again, the test with perfect results was yours. Mine werent bad, but they werent straight a's either. Not that I cared as long as i could watch you and be happy.
I felt giddy and happy back then when i look at you.
I still do, but now way too many memories stick to me to let me hope properly.
Memories, like when we first met with each other outside of school and cycled 20k and i nearly passed out and thought i would die, just because I was too nervous to eat properly before we started.
Memories, like when directly after that you knew exactly how to take care of me and what to do.
Memories, like when we decided to hang out another time, and while preparing our lunch I literally passed out and all our food fell onto the floor.
You reacted good, making me put my legs up and lie back down even though i immediatly wanted to get back up again. You got my blood sugar up again and told me not to worry too much, that it was probably just puberty and my growth sport and then we watched Pogačar win the Alpe d'huez.
Smaller Memories too though, like how you were the one to introduce me to the Tour, how I first started watching it on your ipad when we were on a class trip.
Or, how after that first catastrophic ride where i thought i'd die you just made us a pizza and we talked a lot.
And how you told me that while watching Heartstopper recently you loved it, but were sort of scared of then 'turning' gay yourself. I didn't reply to that comment, because It hurt, oh my it hurt so bad.
I remember how you half cancelled on another friend just to meet up with me, but how I cycled to fast to yours and felt like vomiting when I arrived. I didn't.
When we got signatures from the weather girls and got to listen to them perform 'its raining men' live, you seemed so happy, and I was too, I was happy to see you happy.
There are other memories too though, like how you asked our teacher if you could change seats and take the empty one next to me.
I was happy that day, so happy that i even allowed myself to hope a little.
I love talking with you,
but one of my biggest fears is that one day you will discover fow i feel and distance yourself.
So I never told you.
I wrote you a letter telling you all of this, it's even in your house, behind the picture frame full of Wout pics that I got you for your birthday, but I still hope you won't find it.
Spending time with you is wonderful and I love it, but it reopens scars in me that won't heal, ever.
All you see in us is a great friendship, and I see that too, bit I hope for more.
I know it won't ever happen, because you have acctually told me (in different contexts) that soure very much straight.
I cant help it though. You are beautiful. And your actions are too.