Work Text:
No ones POV:
Ponyboy was so tired in a way that no word in the dictionary could describe. He could never understand why he was feeling like this.
He has everything that he needed and mostly wanted.
A house.
Great friends.
Family.
People who loved him.
So why was he behaving like he had nothingto live for?
Was there something seriously wrong with him?
Was he being bratty and ungrateful like everyone assumes he is?
He enjoys everything he got, he really does but his facial expressions don't prove that.
He didn't want people to assume he hated everything. Good god, he loves every single thing his brothers and friends do for him.
However at night, it's really hard to fight those negative thoughts.
All Ponyboy hears is,
"It's your fault your parents are dead."
"Your brothers wish that they could stick you in some boys home."
"You should drowned in the fountain that night."
"You ran like a coward when you realized you had ended someone's life."
"That church fire should've ended you."
"You aren't appreciative of anything."
"You ___."
"You're ____."
'You-"
However after the 9th insult to himself, Pony is eventually sicked of them and searches for his escape.
He would never admit it to anyone, besides his brothers, but over the past few months, he had taken up the habit of cutting his skin open with a pair of dull scissors he stole from school.
Though people say it's a real bad habit to pick up, Ponyboy found that when he cuts open a few new wounds, the horrible loud thoughts seem to dissolve and he's able to sleep easily.
Pony wasn't particularly pleased that this episode was happening while Johnny was sleeping with him in the same bed but Darry and Soda were away for only this night.
This was a little more better considering they always seem to notice when Ponyboy has relapsed overnight.
Ponyboy thought that since Johnny was unaware of it, he could easily get away with it.
Boy, was Pony ever wrong.
Ponyboys POV: I had to make small movements of I wanted to relieve the pain and not have Johnny catch me.
Slowly, I snuck my hand under my pillow, grabbing the scissors to use in the bathroom. Not the sharpest pair of blades but it's all I have.
Now here comes the hard part. I needed to quickly and sneakily get out of bed without waking up Johnny.
I shifted in small movements, slowly but surely, wriggling myself from his hold around my body.
Though there was this one moment, he started shifting a lot, almost as if he was about to wake up.
Thankfully, he eventually stopped and looked sound asleep again.
I silently sighed with relief. I then started to make my way to the bathroom. Opening the bathroom door, then locking it to ensure nobody could get in, even if they were asleep.
Now with all that hassle of making it to the bathroom out of the way, I pulled out the pair of scissors from my shorts.
Sitting on the cold tiles of the bathroom, with my back against the wall.
I brought the blunt pair of blades to my old scars on my right arm, pressed down as hard as I could and swipped away as quickly as I could.
There wasn't any blood coming out of the scar, -it is more of a scratch than anything,- the blades I use aren't sharp enough to tear through my skin, but those little cuts against my skin are more than enough to relieve the pain from those thoughts in my head.
For every single negative thought I was having, I made another fresh red mark on my arms.
Some of the scars were new. Some were reopened on top of the old scars that were once healing.
It doesn't matter though. Nothing I do really does matter really.
I hate myself for even cutting against my arms in the first place.
But what choice do I have? These scars are really my only escape though. Nothing else I've tried using to cope helped at all like this has. There's not much I could do.
__
Johnny's POV:
I had woken up as soon as Ponyboy started to remove himself from my hold.
I didn't open my eyes though. I didn't want to accidentally spook him.
I was staying over for one night, my folks were fighting again, like usual. I was originally going to sleep in the lot, but Pony insisted that I come to his house. Both of his brothers were away, for some reason, and told me I could come sleep in his bed.
Now I just waiting for Ponyboy to return from the bathroom, no big deal.
Time skip. 5 minutes later.
I was almost starting to miss Ponyboys company. Hes been in the bathroom for a while now, longer than most people are in the bathroom.
'Maybe I should check up on him?' I thought to myself.
'What if he thinks I'm strange for checking up on him?' I had also thought. 'Well, how else are we supposed to know if he's alright?'
'I don't know? Wait for him?'
There was this back and forth argument with myself that seemed to be going on for years until...
Thud!
...
What was that? That came from the bathroom.
__
Ponyboy's POV:
'Motherfuck, that hurt like hell.'I thought to myself.
I had accidentally swiped too fast on my arm and the blades had accidentally made a bleeding cut on my wrist.
I immediately let go of the dull scissors and they hit against the door with a thud. I never expected such a deep cut from a pair of blunt blades.
My wrist was felt like it was burning by that deep cut. I had to stop the bleeding in my wrist before it could escalate to something worse.
I grabbed some paper towels that were located on top of the sink counter, and started putting pressure on my wrist.
It did feel a little rough on the cut but it was the only thing I could use to stop the bleeding.
After a few minutes of pressure, I thought the bleeding had stopped. Of course, as soon as I removed the paper towel from my wrist, the blood had started dripping down to the ground, with my wrist still clearly bleeding out.
I didn't know it took so long to stopped the bleeding from a deep cut like this. I had gotten cut before from getting jumped but I had someone normally help me assist my cuts.
But without anyone around, stopping the bleeding felt like ages to manage. Though, I guess I got too focused on stopping the bleeding that I forgot that someone could've heard me.
Because while I was trying to stop the bleeding, I got a knock on the door.
Knock knock
"Ponyboy? Are ya in there?"
...
Well I'm fucked.
Johnny's POV:
After hearing that loud thud from the bathroom, I grew even more concerned for Ponyboy.
What could've happened in there?
I heard him lightly swear, which he most likely learned from Dally.
I arose from the bed and began making my way to the bathroom.
I still heard him slightly swearing, something about how 'this was stupid' and 'how was this possible'.
I was nervous at first to knock on the door, Ponyboy sounded upset and I didn't know if knocking to see him would make him even more agitated.
But all of my hesitation faded when I saw a small amount of blood come from under the door. I had no choice but to knock now.
Knock knock
"Ponyboy, are ya in there?" I asked through the door.
I was only met with silence from the other side. I think I had heard him whisper to himself but it was too muffled for me to understand.
I had also heard frantic rummaging, almost as if he was trying to hiding evidence of something.
Before I could ask if he was alright, he quickly unlocked and opened the door, and for some reason, with his hands behind his back.
"Oh hey Johnny! I didn't know you were awake." He seemed to be smiling a little too widely. Which was even weirder when I remembered that I saw blood coming out from under the door.
"Uhh, what is that?" I pointed behind Ponyboy and he seemed to realize that there were two blood soaked paper towels.
The color had drained from his face in under a second. He looked distraught upon seeing the bloodied towels.
"Uhh, I don't know? It must have been there before I went in the bathroom. NothingtodowithmeIswear." Ponyboy seemed to speak that last part too quickly.
There was something definitely off about him.
First, he leaves the room for a couple of minutes, then there's a loud thud, theres blood coming out the door, and Ponyboy is acting like everything is fine?
I guess I got too zoned out in my thoughts because somehow got freaked out and backed up away.
"Huh? Whats wrong, hun?" I didn't know why he backed up so suddenly, like a small rabbit when it heard slight noise.
"Why were you looking at my arms?" He seemed frightened, was there something I wasn't supposed to know?
"I wasn't, I was zoning out in my thoughts." He still had looked freaked out, as if he was afraid to say the wrong thing.
"Oh." I needed answers now. Why the heck was he acting like this? "Ponyboy. Are you... Hiding anything?"
He was backing up even more, but more slowly than before. He backed until he was up against the wall.
"..."
Though he didn't speak a word when I asked, I could tell that he wanted to say yes. "Can you tell me?"
He shook his head, while still staring at the floor.
This was really starting to confuse me.
"Uh, can you show me?"
He was quiet for a while but then eventually made a move.
While shaking, he slowly revealed his arms from behind his back.
They were covered in red scratches, and his right hand was tightly gripping a pair of scissors.
The worst of it would have to be his left wrist, which was bleeding. The only thing covering it being a bloody paper towel.
He slid his back down to the ground, dropping the scissors, using his free hand to hide his face. I didn't know what to do in a situation like this.
I've never dealt with something like this. But trying something, is better than nothing. I walked up to him, got to his level and wrapped my arms around him.
This definitely did something because he eventually let go of the act of being fine and started heavily sobbing.
__
Ponyboy's POV:
If I said I was expecting Johnny to come comfort me after finding out that I was cutting myself, I would the biggest liar on the planet. I expected anything but a hug from him.
I was bracing myself for the breakup or saying something how I was disgusting for doing this, but it never came.
He held me so gently, running his fingers through my auburn colored hair, and whispering sweet nothings to me.
Saying stuff like "it's okay" or "I'm not mad hun". It was a little hard to understand through my loud sobbing.
After a while, my sobs slowly stopped and we pulled away from our hug.
Johnny was still holding me with a very gentle hold.
"Tell me what happened."
__
I told him about how I've been cutting myself for a couple of months.
How no else knew but my brothers.
How I had accidentally made a deep cut along my wrist.
How I pretend everything was alright when I was having the worst time of my life.
He didn't say anything while I was talking.
He was just listening to everything that I was saying. "Ponyboy. Is all of that true?" I nodded.
There really was nothing else to hide from him. He would've pieced it all together soon like Soda and Darry did.
"Sorry you had to find out." I felt a little ashamed that he saw this. Though it was too late to take back anything.
"You have nothing to apologize for hun," Johnny seemed to get immediately defensive, "no one is going to be mad at you. Just tell someone who you trust when you're feeling down from now on, okay?"
Johnny is always so sweet to me. I never really understand why he acts so sweet to me out of all people.
He moves closer and plants a small kiss on the crown of my head.
I smiled but then quickly collapsed to the floor.
__
Johnny's POV:
I let out a huge gasp when Ponyboy fell to the floor. "Oh my God! Ponyboy, what happened?"
He was still conscious but he seemed like he was light headed. "Agh... Yeah, I just didn't stop the bleeding on my wrist. Ha, I don't use my head, am I right?"
Once he pointed it out, I realized how bloody his left arm was drenched in blood.
"Ha ha. Wheres the first aid kit?" I needed to tend to his cut before it got any more worse.
"Should be in the bottom drawer," He responded, "also, you should have this. I'm not safe around it." Ponyboy then handed me the scissors he had been using, one of the blades having dried blood.
I would store them somewhere else later but for now I needed to clean up his wrist cut. Once it was fully cleaned out, I bandaged it up.
"There, you're all done!" I smiled up at him. "Thanks, Johnnycake."
He gave me a smile back. "You wanna head back to bed?" The bathroom tiles weren't so nice to sit on. Shocker.
"Yeah. Im really starting to miss your warmth."
We both giggled in unison, as if we were two small children instead of a couple of teenagers.
He seemed a little tired so naturally, I scooped him up into my arms. (I believe in fairly strong Johnny supremacy)
"You know I can walk." Ponyboy said with an annoyed tone in his voice while looking extremely flustered. "Sure, but this is faster!" I exclaimed to him.
I started walking back on over to the bedroom.
Once inside, placed him down onto the bed, gently.
Then shuffled into the bed to join him.He wrapped his arms around my waist.
I reciprocated by wrapping my arms around his neck.
I whispered quietly into his ear, "I love you, hun."
"I love you too, Johnnycake.”