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Regulus loved James. He loved James more than almost anyone in the world. He didn’t think he’d ever felt this safe around someone in his entire life. So, yeah, sitting on Regulus’ dorm bed, Regulus felt safe enough to try sex scenarios with him. Regulus had never done this with anyone else, although he had never been in a relationship like this either, he was nervous. Apparently, not as much as James, though.
“Wait—I’m sorry, did I hear you right?” he spluttered.
“Based on that reaction, I’m going to guess that yes, you did, James.”
James just stared at him, “So, you want me to. . .”
“Fuck me and don’t stop when I tell you to, and call me a good girl yes, that’s normally what a roleplay is,” Regulus snarked. James was not amused.
“Stop with the sarcastic comments for five minutes, will you,” he grumbled, then became more serious. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”
Regulus nodded, “Just respect my safe words?”
James looked at him like this wasn’t even a question, “Of course I will, that was never in question Reg.” James grabbed one of Reg’s hands and squeezed it gently. “The colour system still work?”
Regulus nodded again. The more James questioned him, the more nervous he got. He knew James was safe, he knew James would respect his boundaries, but so many people in his past hadn’t and he was scared. Regulus was giving James the perfect opportunity to take advantage of him and blame it on miscommunication. Did Regulus think that James would do that? No. Was it still a concern on his mind? Absolutely.
“Okay, love,” James murmured. “I’m ready whenever you are.”
Regulus nodded and James straddled him. James leaned down and started kissing him. It was innocent enough but doubts were eating up at him. He needed to set one last boundary before they started.
“James,” Regulus started. “James, yellow.”
The moment he heard the colour he immediately got off Regulus, “What’s wrong, love?”
“I just. . .” Regulus hesitates, then at at once he rushes out, “dontcallmemydeadnameplease.”
James just looked confused, “Love, slow down, I can’t hear you.”
“Please don’t call me my dead name,” Regulus whispered, but James heard it. All of his features softened as he looked at Regulus with so much love.
“I know,” James promised. “I’m never going to call you that unless you outright tell me to right that second. You’re safe, I promise.”
Regulus didn’t know how James could manage to cure almost all his worries in less than two sentences, but he loved him for it. He looked up at James, “You can go now.”
“Okay,” James said softly, then straddled him and started not-lightly kissing his neck.
Regulus leaned into the touch. This was by far not the first time James had kissed him like this. It wasn’t even rough. Regulus leaned forward into the pressure and before he knew what was happening, hands were on his neck pushing him back into the bed. The hands tightened before loosening and James loomed over him.
“You’re going to lay still and take this, is that clear?” James ordered, and oh Merlin if it wasn’t the hottest thing Regulus had ever seen. If the rest of this scenario was anything like this, they would one hundred percent have to do it again.
“Yes,” Regulus breathed.
James leaned down and whispered into his ear, “Yes, who?”
“Yes, sir,” Regulus choked out. James was cruel for that, he knew that Regulus had used to call the people who did things to him ‘sir’. Regulus loved that James was taking it back, he loved that James was making it theirs.
“Very good,” James smirked. He got off of Regulus and Reg was confused for all of five seconds before James was ordering him around again. “Strip.”
Regulus wanted to test the waters, “No.”
“Excuse me?” Regulus almost laughed at out taken aback James looked, but he got back into character fairly quickly. “You’re not in charge here. Strip. Now.”
Regulus shook his head again.
James straddled him again, putting his hand under Reg’s shirt, “Do I need to make you?”
Regulus tried to squirm away but James had him pinned down, Regulus gasped, “Don’t.”
James pulled over his shirt, it was scary how easily James could do that. Regulus wasn’t playing along at all to help it. James was stronger than him and could easily over power him if he wanted. Regulus brushed away the thought. James was safe.
“Oh, you have this on do you?” James snarled.
Regulus had actually forgotten that he had his binder on. He wished he had taken it off beforehand, but oh well. Regulus glared up at him, “It doesn’t matter to you because you shouldn’t be fucking touching me.”
Just like that, James had summoned rope and Regulus’ arms were being tied to the bedpost above his head. Regulus was in shock. “I think it does matter to me, since I’m going to be fucking you until you pass out.”
James started taking off his binder and whispered, “Colour?”
“Green,” Regulus breathed back. Other than a few nasty comments, this whole thing had been very tame. Although, to be fair, they hadn’t even gotten their clothes off yet. James used his wand to vanish his binder and Regulus really hoped that he hadn’t vanished it forever because Regulus happened to be very dependent on that thing. James vanished his own clothes a few seconds later.
His gaze dropped to Regulus’ breasts and private parts, “Merlin, you’re beautiful. My little whore all for the taking.”
James’ hands stilled his hips, “Oh, don’t go making a fuss, just be still and be a good girl for me.”
Regulus stilled, his breathing hitched. He knew he had given James consent to say that but it was still jarring. It wasn’t that big of a deal, Regulus wasn’t going to stop this before it even started. James looked pleased that Regulus had finally listened to him.
“So,” he growled. “I’m going to fuck you, and you are going to take every second of it.”
“Fuck you,” Regulus growled back. He earned a slap for that.
“And no talking back.”
“Yes, sir.”
James paid no more mind to him and started stroking his pussy. Other than the sound of Regulus’ moans, everything was quiet. That was until James pushed his dick into Regulus’ vagina without any warning and Regulus moaned. It hurt. He had no time to brace himself, or stop the guttural moan that came out of his mouth.
James pulled out and pushed back in and Regulus couldn’t help the sob that he released. It hurt. He was given no time in between thrusts and had to gasp his way through. “Look at you behaving perfectly, just like the slut you are,” James cooed.
Regulus shook his head, “Stop, it hurts.”
It did hurt, but in a good way, not in the way he was implying.
“I thought I told you to shut up,” James hissed. “Or do I need to force you?”
That shut Regulus up. If he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t say the safe word. He couldn’t say stop if he wanted to. He immediately began shaking his head. He’d do anything James asked. He didn’t need to be silenced.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Regulus rushed out. “I won’t do it again.”
James grinned, “Good.”
He thrusted his cock back into Regulus and Reg sobbed. He was so overstimulated right now and didn’t know what to think. He was enjoying it but he was also scared? Was this supposed to feel like this? James thrust his dick in, further than before and all coherent thoughts left Regulus. All he could do was sob and moan as James fucked him to his own delight.
“That’s it, being a good girl for me,” James murmured, thrusting himself in again. Regulus let out another sob, he didn’t want to be called a girl. He didn’t like this. James seemed to be enjoying it though. If James wanted it, Regulus could take it. James thrust himself in again and Regulus almost screamed, it wasn’t fun anymore.
“Colour?” James whispered.
Regulus could tell him the truth, he could say red and James would stop, but he wanted to please James, besides, this roleplay was his idea, he had to see it through. Would James even listen to him? Regulus shook off that last thought. He had to.
“G–green,” Regulus choked out between sobs.
James nodded and pulled out. Regulus was confused. Did he accidentally say red? His thoughts were cleared up when James spoke.
“Get on your stomach,” he ordered.
Regulus rolled onto his stomach without complaint. James didn’t give any warning before he started thrusting himself into Regulus. He couldn’t think straight. Part of him did enjoy it. He enjoyed this part a little bit, but when James spoke again, Regulus hated it.
“Enjoying this are you, baby girl?”
Regulus closed his eyes, choking back a sob.
James did a particular deep thrust and Regulus pushed his ass up and James chuckled, “Just like that, being such a good girl for me.”
Regulus couldn’t do it anymore.
“Red,” he choked out. “Red, stop, red.”
He didn’t have to say it after the first time. James was immediately off of him, and on the other side of the bed. Regulus was still sobbing. He was overstimulated and tired. His body was feeling too many things at once and his mind wouldn’t stop thinking about James’ good girl comments.
“Are you okay?” James asked. All the bravado and confidence in his voice was gone, now there was just concern.
Regulus sat up, wiping his eyes. He felt so vulnerable. James seemed to sense what he was thinking because a few seconds later, James acciod Reg’s shirt to him. Regulus didn’t waste a second in putting it on. He felt a little better but not by much.
“Are you okay?” James asked again, his voice even more concerned than last time.
Regulus nodded, his hands hugging himself protectively.
James shook his head, clearly not believing him, “Did I do something?”
He sounded so hurt that Regulus wished he could say no. It wasn’t even his fault. It was Regulus’. Regulus and his inability to just suffer a few minutes of sex. He wished more than anything that he could just be normal. He didn’t understand how, out of everyone, James chose him.
Regulus shrugged.
James was not letting him out of this, “Please tell me.”
“I didn’t like being called a girl,” Regulus admitted.
James paused, when what Regulus said sunk in his eyes got saddened. “Oh, Reg. . .” James paused, then asked, “Can I hold you?”
Regulus nodded and James immediately crawled over to him and pulled him into his arms. Regulus felt so safe there, like no one can hurt him. He might’ve fallen asleep if James hadn’t tensed right as Regulus was getting drowsy.
Regulus looked up at him, curiosity in his eyes.
James looked down at him, horror in his own.
“Regulus,” James started. “I called you a girl multiple times before you finally said red. . . at first you said green.”
Fuck.
Well, better get it over with.
“I lied,” Regulus confessed.
James pulled back. “No.”
Whatever Regulus thought James was going to say, it wasn’t that.
“No?”
“You can’t lie about safe words,” James said, sternly. “The whole reason they’re there is to make us feel safe. I’m not going to keep having sex with you if you don’t feel like you can tell me when you need to stop.”
Regulus looked away, “I’m sorry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” James asked, desperate. “Did you want to keep going or did you feel like you had to? Did you want to try to ignore it?” James’ breath hitched. “Did you think I wouldn’t listen?”
Regulus stayed quiet for a while, then, “I knew you would, I know you wouldn’t hurt me like that, I just. . . part of me, when everything was happening all at once it was just hard to believe you’d actually stop just because I was uncomfortable.”
“Oh Reg. . .” James cupped his face. “I will always listen to a safe word, okay. I don’t care what’s happening. I don’t care how much I’m enjoying it. I don’t care how far we’re in, you say the word and I’ll stop.”
Regulus leaned against him and nodded, still not totally sure what to think about everything that had just happened.
“Reg?” It was his serious tone.
“Hmm?”
“If I ever do ignore the word, tell someone. Please.”
Regulus looked up at him, surprised. “What?”
“If I ever ignore the word, tell someone Regulus. I don’t care what the context is, I should never ever ignore it, okay? Tell your friends, or Sirius, or literally anyone. Break up with me, just please don’t put up with it. Promise me?”
“Okay,” Regulus agreed.
James put his head on Regulus’, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Regulus murmured back.
Regulus was bored. He hadn’t had any missions in over a week—from either the Order or the Death Eaters. He spent his time around the house, cleaning until there wasn’t a speck of dirt, or dust in the house. He cooked a lot, or made tea. He sometimes went out to see friends, but that was on the rarer side. James on the other hand was always on missions. He was always out collecting information or raiding places or stopping Death Eaters. Whatever it was—James was always in the heat of action and Regulus was jealous.
He was sitting on the couch reading a book when the doorbell rang. James wasn’t supposed to get back until tonight so Regulus didn’t know who it would be. The doorbell rang again and Regulus sighed then got up, walking towards the door. He opened it, and to his surprise, it was James.
“Hi?” Regulus greeted.
“Hey,” James said. “Are you going to let me in anytime soon?”
Regulus nodded, taken aback by his tone, moving over so James had room to walk in.
“How was the mission?” Regulus asked.
“Can’t exactly tell you,” James muttered, plopping onto the couch. “You’re a Death Eater.”
That stung.
He looked at James like he wasn’t his boyfriend. Like they hadn’t been going out for years. Regulus knew James must have had a long day, but he had no right to be this rude. All Regulus had done so far was ask innocent questions and said hello.
“Yeah,” Regulus snapped. “As a fucking spy for the Order of the Pheonix. Did you forget that part?”
“Still can’t tell you,” James snapped right back.
Fine.
Regulus started to leave the room, but James stopped him.
“Where are you going?” It didn’t sound nice, only demanding. Regulus was already done.
“You obviously don’t want to be around me so I’m leaving.”
“Oh come on!” James exclaimed. “That’s not fair! Just. . .” James got up and walked over to Regulus, pulling him into a kiss. “It’s been a long day.”
Regulus pulled back. “Yeah, well, don’t take it out on me.”
James smirked, “Want to take it to bed?”
Regulus hesitated. Did he think James was going to hurt him? No. Did he put it past James to use him to get some of his stress out? Also no. Whatever, Regulus thinks. They’ve barely been able to fuck lately and James wouldn’t push his boundries so why the fuck not.
Regulus sighed, “Fine.”
James led him to their bedroom. When they got in there, James immediately shut and locked the door and turned to face Regulus. There was lust there, not that Regulus could blame him, they’d hardly been able to be around each other in the past week.
“Get on the bed and get naked,” James ordered.
Regulus obeyed him.
Less than a minute later, both of them were naked and on their bed. Regulus had missed this. He had missed James on top of him, he had missed their sex, their kisses, their cuddles. He missed it all. James straddled him and started kissing him. It wasn’t gentle. James almost always started out gentle—unless they were doing a role-play—which they weren’t right now. James bit him hard on the side of the neck and he moaned.
“Yes, Merlin, yes, James.”
He bites harder and that only makes Regulus make even more ungodly sounds. He knows he’s out of practice, and so is James, but that doesn’t seem to matter right now. James finally lets go of his neck and moves onto his chests. He pulls on his nipples and the noises that come out of Regulus’ mouth—he didn’t even know that he could make.
“I don’t know why you ever got rid of your boobs, they really were the best part of you,” James muttered and Regulus felt as if he’d been smacked.
He’d gotten top-surgery last year with the help of his brother, James, and all of his friends. Never once had James ever said anything that had ever come close to regret about the surgery. Regulus certainly didn’t regret it and James always said he just wanted Regulus to be comfortable. Is this actually what he thought?
James bites Reg’s nipples a few more times before moving to his pussy. James didn’t even give Regulus a warning before forcing his dick in. Regulus gasped at the pain of being forced into. Since he hadn’t had sex in a while, his pussy was quite tight and it hurt.
“Yellow,” Regulus gasped.
“Oh, come on, Regulus,” James cooed, “just a little longer, we haven’t even done that much yet.”
Regulus didn’t like this at all. Never once had James ignored a safeword. He didn’t like not having that power. He forced himself to take a few more breaths. He was being dramatic. They had barely started and he hadn’t said red. That was it. James was probably trying to get him turned on, he’d stop if he said red.
James continued to push his cock in and out of Regulus’ vagina. Each thrust drove deeper and deeper into him. Regulus squirmed and tried grasping and anything, it really hurt. He was gasping and at a particularly painful thrust Regulus cried out and started sobbing.
“Fuck, James, yellow,” Regulus tried again.
“Come on,” James teased, thrusting again. “It’s not that bad, baby girl.”
Regulus froze. It was a mistake since with this thrust James went further than ever and Regulus almost screamed. He hurt, and he didn’t like this. He wanted it to stop. He didn't want James calling him a girl, especially after they’d had this conversation before—James promised never to call him a girl, no matter what form, ever again. Yet, here he was.
“Yes, that’s it, be a good girl for me, Regina,” James cooed.
That was it. Regulus never tolerated being called his deadname. That was a line he had since day one and James just crossed it.
“Red,” he gasped out. “Red, James. Get off of me.”
James didn’t.
He just laughed.
“Come on,” he joked. “You love it, just let me fuck you.”
“No, I don’t, get off me!” Regulus snapped.
He tried to roll around James but James just held him in place and continued thrusting into him which was really hurting now. Regulus tried to push him off and got another, deeper, more painful thrust in response. He cried out—and for the first time since getting together, Regulus didn’t feel safe with him.
“Come on, just stay still!” James growled.
“No!” Regulus tried pushing him off again. “James, I mean it! Red! Get off of me!”
“That’s it,” James snarled. He grabbed rope from the bedside table and tied Regulus’ wrists to the head of the bed. Not loosely. No, he tied them so tight he couldn’t move without the rope rubbing into his skin. Regulus didn’t mind this, but James never did it. How bad did Regulus fuck up for this to happen. Even in punishments James never took away Regulus’ power of the safewords.
“You better listen to me from now on or I’m blindfolding you.”
Regulus froze.
He hated not being able to see. James knew that. It was part of his trauma from that fucked up house. They had tried blindfolds once and agreed to never do it again. Regulus was scared out of his mind right now. That was when he stopped fighting. He was so scared and so confused. Why was the man he loved more than anything doing this to him?
Regulus just stared at the ceiling while James forced himself into Regulus’ pussy. It hurt so much and silent tears streamed down his face, but the only noises he made were gasps or cries of pain when it got particularly bad. Regulus couldn’t hold in his scream as James forced his cock the farthest he’d ever gone and Regulus could feel something break inside of him.
“Yes,” James moaned. Basking in Regulus’ pain. “You’re so good. You’re such a good girl, Regina.”
Regulus sobbed.
He sobbed from the pain. He sobbed from knowing that the trust he once had for this man was long gone. He sobbed from the fact that despite everything he was still always going to be a girl. He sobbed because he wished he had succeeded in killing himself when he was still in school. Not even his mother’s Cruciatus Curse could rival the pain of his trust breaking like this. Of being so totally violated by someone he trusted so vulnerably.
Eventually, Regulus didn’t know how long it had been, James pulled out his dick and a mess of blood and cum spilled onto the bed. Regulus hoped against hope James was done. Of course, he wasn’t. Regulus didn’t even know why he even tried to hope anymore.
“Turn over.”
It wasn’t a question.
Regulus didn’t fight back. He just did what he was told and rolled onto his stomach. He knew what was coming but that still didn’t prepare him for the searing pain of a cock penetrating his anal hole. Regulus howled in pain and James only moaned in pleasure. He thrusted his dick in and out and in and out. Going deeper each time and Regulus could only sob through the pain.
He never thought that this was going to happen. Sure, he knew that he was never destined for good things, but this—this felt like too much, even for his high pain tolerance. Regulus choked on his own gasp as he felt James’ cock penetrating something in his ass. He screamed in pain and James whispered,
“Oh, how I love when you scream for me.”
Regulus sobbed.
He sobbed.
And he sobbed.
And he sobbed.
He sobbed until he couldn’t anymore, and then he just gasped. Hoping against hope that the universe would take pity on him and let him have just a moment of reprieve. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t, Regulus couldn’t tell anymore, all he knew was that eventually James pulled out. He muttered something to Regulus. About going somewhere, maybe? Regulus was in too much pain to know. All he knew was that he was finally left alone, and that he didn’t want to be alive.
Regulus just laid there for a long while. Not even trying to move. He didn’t know if he could. Eventually, he realized that he would have to move at some point. The ropes around his wrists had been cut at some point and he pulled them to his chest. They were badly burned from the struggling he did. His mind wandered to the conversation James and him had when they were still in Hogwarts. He could still hear James’ response perfectly:
“If I ever ignore the word, tell someone Regulus. I don’t care what the context is, I should never ever ignore it, okay? Tell your friends, or Sirius, or literally anyone. Break up with, just please don’t put up with it. Promise me?”
So much had changed since then. James certainly wouldn’t agree with what he said back then, but maybe if Regulus told someone he trusted? Maybe they could help him. He decided to try, if they didn’t care, well Regulus could just kill himself with a kitchen knife and it all would be solved.
Painfully, very painfully, Regulus rolled out of the bed and to where his shirt and boxers were. He didn’t think he could handle putting anything else on. Somehow, Regulus actually manages to get them and stay standing. Now he just has to walk across the house to the phone in the living room.
He gets there. He’s sobbing, but he gets there. He hurts so much and he just wants to hear the voice of the person that had helped him through his worst times. Yeah, they had their ups and so so many downs but Regulus needed him right now and he couldn’t stand not trying. With a shaking hand, Regulus dialed his brother’s number and brang the phone to his ear.
“Hi, this is the Lupin residence, how can I help?”
Regulus let out another sob at the sound of his brother’s voice. “Sirius,” he choked out.
“Reggie?” Sirius asked. “Are you okay? Is James okay? What happened?”
Regulus fell to his knees, phone still in hand and just sobbed. Everything hurt so much. He wanted Sirius here. Not just across the phone, but he didn’t even know how to tell him what had happened.
“Reggie? Please tell me?
Fuck it.
“James raped me.”
There.
The bandage was off.
Regulus had spent the whole time trying to find a word for what had happened and there it was. That was what had happened. It was plain. It was simple. James had raped him. Regulus had told him to stop. He’d begged him, actually, and James kept going. He kept going until he was satisfied and left Regulus a pain filled sobbing wreck.
Sirius’ answer was only a breath.
“No.”
Regulus couldn’t take this. He couldn’t take it if his own brother chose to side with his rapist over him. Not even Sirius was that cruel, not even when they hated each other, there was no way Sirius would do this.
“James wouldn’t do that,” Sirius said. Resolved.
Regulus let out another sob.
“He did, Sirius,” Regulus choked out. “I wouldn’t lie about this, I promise. I don’t want it to be true either, but he did.”
“Reg–”
“I was there,” Regulus sobbed. “I had to live it! I had to live it while he ignored every safe word we agreed on! I had to live it when he kept fucking me when I begged him not to! I had to live it, Sirius, as he called me Regina! As he called me a girl. . .” Regulus couldn’t even breathe properly. He could feel a panic attack coming on but he didn’t know how to stop it.
“I believe you, Reggie, of course I believe you,” Sirius choked, sounding like he was also crying. “I’m going to be there in a second, just hold on.”
The dial tone rang and Regulus dissolved. He dropped the phone and just went limp. There was no reason for him to live anymore. Did Sirius say he’d be over? He couldn’t remember. All he could remember was James. James ignoring everything they had ever agreed on, and just using him for his own pleasure.
There was a knock at the door but Regulus couldn’t get up. He didn’t really care, to be honest. He just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The door opened with a spell and he vaguely saw two figures hurry in. One of them immediately ran to him.
“Oh, Merlin, Reggie,” it was Sirius. “Remus, get healing supplies!”
Regulus groaned in pain. Everything was getting hazy. Sirius pulled out his wand and cast a few spells on him. Regulus didn’t know what they were but the next thing he knew was the world going dark and the only thing he felt was relief.
He woke up far sooner than he would have liked. He didn’t even feel rested. At least he was on the couch now, and his pubic area didn’t feel like it was going to implode. He saw Sirius in front of him and he let out a sigh of relief when he realized Regulus was up.
“How long was I out?” Regulus rasped.
“Not very,” Sirius said, in a very stable tone considering. “Half an hour?”
Regulus grumbled.
Sirius smiled, “There’s the Reggie I know.”
“Help me sit up,” Regulus ordered.
Sirius did.
It took a few minutes and a lot of manoeuvring, but they eventually got Regulus into a position where he could sit up without feeling like he was sitting on a landmine, because that’s truly what his insides felt right now.
“Better?” Sirius asked.
Regulus nodded, briefly closing his eyes, trying to catch his breath. He was still in a lot of pain. As if on cue, Remus came back in and handed Regulus a potion. Regulus raised his eyebrow suspiciously at Remus, who sat across from him on the coffee table.
“It’s a pain potion.”
He didn’t need telling twice before he was swallowing the whole bottle. He tasted horrid but his pain did dial down from a nine to like a six so that was nice. When he could finally breathe again, his dear brother decided to start asking questions.
“What happened?”
Regulus sighed, “Do we have to do this now?”
Sirius looked at him, “You call me, sobbing, telling me that my be—James Potter, who loved you more than any thing in the world, raped you. Yes, we have to do this now.”
Regulus didn’t miss the way Sirius said James Potter instead of best friend and loved, as in the past tense. It was something so tiny, and yet it meant the world to Regulus. He looked up at his older brother.
“So you believe me?”
“Belei—Of course I believe you!” Sirius exclaimed. “You can be a little shit sometimes but you wouldn’t lie about this. Not to mention the very clear rape related injuries you have.”
Regulus looked down.
“Reg, please tell me what happened,” Sirius said, his voice grounding.
Regulus finally let up.
He told Sirius and Remus everything that had happened from the time James got home to the time Regulus called them. He told them of James’ attitude from the beginning. He told them how James and him decided to go to bed together. He told them how he used their safe words multiple times and James didn’t listen. How James kept getting rougher and rougher. How He called him a girl and his deadname multiple times. How eventually Regulus gave up because it was all too much and he just wanted it to be over.
By the time he was done telling them what happened—both him and Sirius were crying, and Remus looked close to it. Sirius leaned in and pulled Regulus against his chest. Regulus let him. He needed his big brother more than anyone else in the world, right now. He sobbed into Sirius’ shirt as Sirius muttered apology after apology. Eventually Regulus got himself under control enough to pull back.
He looked at his hands, “I don’t know what to do now.”
Sirius didn’t even hesitate, “Break up with Potter. If I ever see him again he’s going to regret that he ever put a fucking finger on you without your—”
“Sirius,” Remus interrupted and Sirius went quiet. Regulus sent a thankful glance at Remus. He loved his brother but Merlin did he get over protective and he didn’t exactly want to hear about all the painful ways Sirius was going to kill Ja—Potter. Remus turned back to Regulus, “You can live with us for a while, until you can find a place, only if you want, of course.”
Regulus nodded, “That’d be nice, thank you.”
Remus smiled.
Regulus was about to suggest that they leave, because he seriously did not want to spend another second in this house, when the doorbell rang. Regulus jumped, and then winced when it jared his insides. Sirius looked darkly at the door.
“I’ll get it.”
Regulus watched his brother head to the door, wand in hand and open it. The door opens and reveals none other than the one and only James Fleamont Potter. There’s a second where no one moves. Then all hell breaks loose.
Sirius punches Potter in the face. Regulus jumps up and spins to face the door. Remus is up and running over to Sirius, Regulus limping behind him. When Regulus gets to the door war beside Remus his eyes widen at the scene in front of him.
Sirius was on top of James on the porch. He was punching the ever living daylights out of him and Potter was trying to defend himself but Sirius was too fast and too forceful. Regulus can hear when Potter’s nose breaks even before the cry of pain.
“How dare you!?” Sirius screamed. “How fucking dare you do that!? You know, you were the first fucking person I ever trusted! Another shit decision of my lovely fucking life! I gave you my blessing! Then you turn around and rape my baby brother!”
Potter made a sound that’s incomprehensible before Sirius punched him again and then pulled out his wand, pointing it right at Potter’s face. “Fuck you, cruci—”
Remus ran towards Sirius, “Sirius, stop!”
Remus did stop him, thank Merlin. Regulus didn’t know what he would do if Sirius got in trouble for using an unforgivable on his behalf. His senses caught up with his thoughts. Sirius had just tried to use an unforgivable curse on his former best friend on Regulus’ behalf.
Remus was guiding Sirius away from Potter, but Regulus couldn’t look away. He groaned and curled in on himself. It took a few seconds but then he sat up and looked at the three of them confused. “What the fuck was that about, Sirius?”
“Oh you absolute mother fucking imbici—”
Remus interrupts Sirius again, “James,” Remus starts. His voice is not kind at all. “Look at us in the eyes and tell us you didn’t rape Regulus.”
Regulus didn’t know how to explain the look in James’ eyes, other than, absolute sheer fucking horror. He looked from Remus, to Sirius, to finally Regulus. Looking Regulus right in the eyes he said, “I’d rather die before doing that to you.”
Regulus covered his mouth in a sob because James sounded like he meant it, he really did mean it. Yet, he did rape Regulus. He lived through it. He was still in pain from it. James looked in horror at him, “What happened?”
Regulus shook his head, he couldn’t relive it, again,, especially not to the man who did it to him. But did he? Regulus was so confused. James looked desperately to Remus, who glanced at Regulus who gave him a nod.
Remus looked coldly at James, who was still on the ground, “I’m only going to say this once so fucking listen.”
James nodded.
“You came home early from your mission and were in a horrible fucking mood an—”
“What?” James sounded genuinely confused. “I’ve been with Lily the whole day. She can confirm. I haven’t been home since five this morning.”
Regulus felt like his whole world was crumbling and rebuilding itself at the same time. He looked over at Sirius and Remus who looked just as confused, until something popped up in Remus' eyes and he raced inside. Sirius immediately stood beside Regulus, watching James warily.
James looked up at the two of them, “What happened?”
Sirius opened his mouth but Regulus was faster, “You raped me.”
Regulus could see the world fall apart in James’ eyes. Regulus could see the way he looked at Sirius in desperation that this didn’t happen. He looked at Regulus and there was so much sorrow and guilt and self hatred in those eyes—that was the moment he knew, the person that had raped him had not been James Potter. This was James Potter and Regulus had never seen him look so defeated.
Remus came back out a minute later, he was breathless and looked so so upset. He had a flask and gave it to Sirius.
“Smell it, I found some remnants on the bed,” Remus said.
Sirius did and horror filled his features. He gave it to Regulus and he smelled it the same and his heart stopped. He was right, James didn’t rape him. The potion in the flask was “Polyjuice potion.”
He didn’t even mean to say it out loud. He saw the look of horror on James’ face mirror his own. They all knew exactly what had happened now. Regulus had to make sure. He had to make sure that this was his james. He had been so fucking stupid not to have done that earlier.
“James,” he snapped. James looked up at him like he’d been slapped. “Where did we have our first kiss?”
“Astronomy tower,” James rasped. “It was right after I found you crying and you opened up to me about your family. I told you that you were worth more than you thought and then you kissed me.”
Regulus looked back at Sirius and Remus, “It’s him.”
Five minutes later the four of them were sitting around the table. James looked scared out of his mind. Sirius looked guilty. Remus looked really upset. And Regulus. . . Regulus didn’t know what he was feeling.
“Do you know who it was?” James asked.
It was the first thing he said since the porch. Most of the five minutes has been the four of them sitting in silence trying to get their thoughts together. Regulus looked up at him, tired, “Until five minutes ago, I thought it was you.”
James flinched at that.
“I’m sorry for breaking your nose and trying to cast the Cruciatus Curse on you,” Sirius said, looking uncertainly at James.
He just shrugged. “I deserved it.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“You thought I did.”
More silence.
Remus was the next to speak, “Regulus, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” he said, truthfully. Regulus didn’t know. He didn’t know because he still couldn’t breathe without the inside of him aching. He couldn’t look at James without seeing him pinning him against the bed. He couldn’t exist without being scared. He had no idea what to do.
“I can leave,” James offered.
“No.”
Sirius’ fast response took Regulus by surprise. If James needed to leave—then Regulus saw it. The haunted look in James’ eyes. The way his eyes were darting around for escape. The way he looked like he didn’t think he deserved to live.
“You’re not killing yourself,” Regulus snapped.
James’ head jolted up, he looked like a deer stuck in the headlights of a car, “Regulu—”
“No.” He snapped. “Do you really think that would help right now? Not only do I have to deal with this fucking shit but now you want to make me deal with your death as well?”
“I raped you,” James whispered.
Regulus rolled his eyes, “I thought we already established that it was not you, but a fucked up person with polyjuice potion who raped me.”
“With my body.”
“Yeah, that part was shit.”
“What did I—they do?” James asked.
Regulus looked at Remus for help. Remus sighed and started retelling what happened. Making Regulus, for the third time that night, relive that hellscape. When Remus was done, James looked like he had totally dissociated.
“James?” Regulus asked.
“I’m so sorry,” James whispered. He looked haunted.
Regulus shrugged, “It wasn’t you.”
James put his head in his hands and silence descended upon them once again. Regulus hated it. He wished this had never happened. He wished, as awful as it was, that someone else could have been in his place. He didn’t want to go through this. As if on cue, a wave of pain pulsed through him and he gasped.
“Do you need another pain potion?” Remus asked, already getting up.
Regulus gladly took it, ignoring the awful taste. It helped, thankfully.
The silence around the table was suffocating and Regulus couldn’t take it. “Okay, here’s what’s happening. No, I am not breaking up with James. No he is not going anywhere alone right now. James, you’re not allowed to touch me or be with me alone for the foreseeable future. Remus and Sirius, you’re staying, also for the foreseeable future. Any questions?”
“Yes,” Sirius said. “How the fuck are you going to take care of yourself in all of this?”
“I’ll figure it out,” Regulus snapped. “I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom. Goodnight.”
He got up and left before anyone could ask anymore questions. Of course, his night was plagued with insomnia and nightmares. It was five-thirty in the morning and he still hadn’t been able to get any decent sleep. This was going to be a long road of recovery.
Nothing changed much in the following week. The four of them still went on missions. They still did their jobs. They still stayed in James and Regulus’ house. Regulus still took his pain potions, although he didn’t need to drink them as much as he used to.
The first time James and Regulus were alone together was after a week had passed and Remus and Sirius were both called to go on a mission. They tried to move it around but it didn’t work out that way and Regulus promised it was fine.
It wasn’t. Regulus was sitting on the bed in the guest room, where he had been sleeping, and his breaths were uneven. He tried telling himself again and again that James wouldn’t do anything, but it didn’t help. He still felt too vulnerable and like he could be pinned down and raped at any moment.
A knock on the bedroom door startled him out of his thoughts. His head snapped up and he immediately knew who it was. “What do you want, James?”
“Can I come in?” His voice was soft. Safe.
No.
“No. I’ll be out in a minute,” he snapped.
“Regulus, you’ve said that multiple times, please come out and at least eat.”
He wanted to. That’s the thing. He wanted to, but he was scared.
“How do I know you won’t do something to me?” Regulus asked hesitantly.
He could practically hear James’ heart break, still he asked, “Would you come out if I gave you my wand?”
Regulus thought about it. James was physically stronger than him, yeah, but if James didn’t have his wand then Regulus could defend himself if something happened. Regulus could do spells with a flash of his hand. He knew he would have the upper hand.
“Okay,” Regulus called to him.
Not five seconds later, he saw James’ wand slide under the door. Regulus hurried to pick it up and hide it in his room. He took his own wand and had it in his hand, just in case. He opened the door and James was already in the kitchen. Regulus appreciated this very much, it meant he didn’t have to immediately come face to face with him, not yet.
Regulus walked into the kitchen avoiding eye contact with James. If he did, he was afraid he was going to have a panic attack and without Sirius or Remus here, that was the last thing they needed.
James seemed to understand what he was trying to do, “Do you want me to go to the other room so you can get something to eat?”
Regulus nodded, “Please.”
“I’m going to walk past you, alright?” he asked, because Regulus knew it was a question. James wouldn’t enter the same room as him without asking. Regulus loved him for it, but he hated himself for making this so hard.
Regulus nodded, and James walked past him, not close but it wasn’t a particular large kitchen so James was only about a foot away from him when he passed him. Regulus’ breath hitched, and before he even realized he wasn’t breathing properly, James was already in the living room, doodling on a spare piece of paper and drinking the coffee he just made.
Regulus put a slice of toast in the toaster and heated up some tea on the kettle. He kept looking at James every other second, like James was going to get up and attack him. He hated himself for thinking it but he was scared. He leaned against the counter, watching James draw whatever it was he was drawing. He looked so peaceful in this moment, how could the same body have done all those horrible things to him.
“What are you drawing?” Regulus asked, surprising himself and James by the way his head snapped up at him. Regulus raised an eyebrow, trying to keep his breathing steady. Trying not to think of his hands pinning him down. Trying not to think of James not listening when he told him to stop.
“Oh,” James’ cheeks flushed, bringing Regulus back to the present. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing, show me,” Regulus ordered.
James shook his head, cheeks getting redder by the minute, “No.”
Regulus took out his wand, “Accio paper.”
James made a noise of surprise and Regulus caught the paper and turned it around. His breath caught in his throat. It was a stag and a cat. It had always been an ongoing joke that if Regulus was an animagus he would be a black cat, and now, he was looking at that same black cat, curled up on itself in the corner of the page. In the other corner a stag is hanging its head down low in shame. There was a trail of hearts that connected them, some of the hearts were shattered but some of them were perfectly fine.
It wasn’t a particularly well drawn art piece. James never had been too good at drawing, but the meaning was loud and clear, staring Regulus straight in the eyes. He did this. He was doing this by not just sucking it up and just going back to normal. He couldn’t breathe. Regulus left the paper on the counter and went back to the guest room.
His stomach growled in hunger, he hadn’t been eating properly at all. But he couldn’t seem to make himself care. He was so on edge all of the fucking time. He could never relax. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten a full night's sleep. And yesterday he had forgotten to take his pain potion and certainly hadn’t today so now, sitting on the floor in his room, in pain and not being able to breathe. Regulus didn’t know what to do.
A knock on the door just overwhelmed him more, “Fuck off, James!”
“Tell me that you’re perfectly fine and I’ll leave,” James told him.
Regulus just let out a sob. He hated this so much. He couldn’t even think straight. All his thoughts were muddled, except for, of course, that night. He could replay every second of that, but anything else, nope, his brain refused to work.
“I’m here, Reg, and I know I’m the last person you want but I am here. I won’t come in, I can just stay right here. I can talk to you, or just be here, whatever you need,” James promised from outside the door.
“Can you just talk?” Regulus choked out.
“Yeah,” James told him. “Want me to talk about anything in particular?”
“Pranks?” Regulus sniffled.
“Yeah, course, so there was this one where me and Sirius. . .”
That was how Sirius and Remus came back to them; talking to each other through a door but they were working on it. For the first time in a while, Regulus let himself hope.
Regulus and James had been talking more. Mostly from opposite sides of doors, but Regulus has slowly grown some trust back. It’s a Saturday morning and Remus and Sirius are on a date, taking advantage of the freetime they have, since James and Regulus can be in the same room for a while now. James is on the couch and Regulus in the kitchen, they’ve gotten used to the dynamic.
James is doodling again. Regulus has noticed that he’s been doing that a lot recently. Regulus hasn’t looked at one since the first one, but he guessed they were similar. It seemed to be a coping mechanism for him. Regulus preferred to hide in his room until he couldn’t breathe. James always helped talk him out of it, and if he couldn’t, Sirius or Remus would.
“Do you want to watch something?” Regulus asked.
James looked up, “Are you comfortable with that?”
And Merlin did Regulus miss the times where this wasn’t even in question. Where they could hug each other and kiss each other. Where they could sit next to each other without having a panic attack. But now. . . even the thought of James touching him makes him want to vomit. Regulus still loved him. That was never in question. He just—he didn’t know how to handle it.
Regulus nodded, “Yeah, I think so.”
Regulus walked into the room, and he just—he couldn’t. It was too much. James looked up at him, “You don’t have to, it’s okay, Reg.”
It wasn’t okay. He couldn’t even sit by the love of his life. He was too scared that James would do something. Would it even be that bad if he did? He’s James. Besides, he wouldn’t. That boy would rather die than do anything to him. His mind knew this, however, his body did not.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus choked out.
“Hey, it’s okay, I can leave, you’re okay—”
“Don’t, please,” Regulus whispered. “I just—I hate this. I know you won’t do anything to me, and I want to be around you. I love you so much and it’s killing me not being able to be around you but I just—my body—there’s just panic and I don’t know how to turn it off.”
“Okay,” James hesitated. “You said you wanted to try a movie, let’s do that. You can watch from the kitchen or if you feel comfortable, in here, I don’t mind, Reg. Does that sound okay?”
Regulus wanted to cry. How could James be so perfect when all Regulus had been was a burden. How could James still look at him after what had happened and say that he was worth staying for. He didn’t understand.
“Yeah, that’s good,” Regulus told him.
James grinned, “Do you want to pick out the movie or me?”
“Can I?”
“Of course.”
He decided on The Godfather. James stayed on the couch but was adamant that if Regulus wanted it he could move. Regulus stayed at the counter the whole time, James didn’t mind, he didn’t comment on it at all. They had multiple conversations during it and neither of them cared. This was probably the best Regulus had felt since that night.
They continued these movie ‘nights’ whenever they could. A lot of the time Regulus was left home alone while the other three were on missions. No one rang the doorbell, not that he would’ve answered it if he heard it. Sometimes they missed days at a time. It went on for weeks. Sometimes Regulus would get called away to go to some Death Eater meetings, or raids, he’d report back to Dumbledore and then go home. There wasn’t much happening.
It came as a surprise to both of them when they were starting the movie, Regulus sat on the couch. James looked over at him and smiled, but he didn’t say anything. They had an unspoken agreement in place. James wouldn’t move any closer to Regulus and he wouldn’t touch him. James seemed perfectly content with this and was just happy to watch the movies with Regulus, and that Regulus was getting more and more comfortable with him.
They were half-way through the movie when Regulus’ arm burned sharply and he hissed in pain.
James looked at him worriedly, “Are you okay?”
Regulus nodded, “I’m sorry,” he got out through gritted teeth. Wincing in pain as he transfigured his clothes into Death Eater robes.
“Don’t be,” James said. “Be safe.”
Regulus gave him a quick nod before letting the dark mark take him to wherever The Dark Lord wanted him to come to. He appeared in an office, if he had to guess—Malfoy Manor. That was as far as he got before pain consumed his entire being.
It could only have been seconds that the Cruciatus Curse was on him, but oh Merlin it felt longer. He was gasping on the floor, and he remembered why he was here. He immediately put his shields up. Just in time, as he screamed in pain as The Dark Lord penetrated his mind.
Regulus was amazing at occlumency. It was something he had to be good at, living in a house like he did. However, even Walburga’s uncomfortable liginimacy was easier than this. He could feel the Dark Lord going through his mind. He could see all the missions he had done for him. All the kills. He could see how this side was right, he was fighting for the right side of history.
Voldemort got out of his thoughts and Regulus sobbed in relief, it hurt. Voldemort stepped over him and pointed his wand, Regulus knew what was coming before the spell was even spoken out loud.
“Crucio.”
Regulus screamed and cried and thrashed around. Voldemort wasn’t even doing this because he had done anything wrong. It was a warning. Regulus sobbed through the spell as his whole body felt like it was being twisted inside out. He screamed through the spells as he felt fire burn through his veins. He gasped through the spell as he felt like a thousand knives were stabbing him.
Then it was gone. He gasped on the floor trying to catch his breath. Everything hurt. Every part of his body felt like it had just been trampled by a hundred hippogriffs. He hated this curse so much.
“Be gone, Regina. If I need you, you will know.”
Regulus apperated as best he could, and to no one's surprise he landed on his porch with a splinched shoulder and a cry of pain. Fuck he hurt. The door opened and he heard James’ worried gasp.
“Regulus! Oh Merling, fuck what happened?” James asked in a frenzy crouching beside him, and then all of the worry came back.
“Please don’t touch me,” he begged. He prayed that this time James would listen.
“Okay, okay, I’m not going to touch you,” James hesitated. “Reg, your shoulder’s not looking good.”
Regulus let out a sob. Everything hurt, but he’d truly rather have it hurt than James touch him. James was going to touch him. James was going to touch him. James was going to touch him. James was going to touch him. James was going to touch him. James was going to touch him. James was going to touch him. Except, he didn’t. Regulus could vaguely hear James talking but he wasn’t sure about what. He was so tired. Darkness overtook him.
When he woke up, he immediately panicked. He didn’t know where he was or who was around him. He sat upright in bed then gasped at the pain it caused.
“Regulus, it’s just me,” Sirius said, placing a hand on his chest, slowly lowering him back to the bed.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Don’t be,” Sirius assured him. “Now what the fuck did those arseholes do to you?”
“It was Voldemort,” Regulus slurred. “Wanted to see who’s loyal, who’s not. Crucio’d me to weaken my shields, didn’t work though. Crucio’d me again after, I dunno why. Fun? Splinched myself apperating back. I’m tired, can I go back to sleep?”
“Yeah, Reggie, go back to bed.”
When he woke up, he subconsciously reached out for Sirius, only to be met with open air, “Sirius?”
“It’s me,” answered James.
Regulus was alert in a second, sitting up, then regretting it and falling back into bed, groaning. James chuckled, “Do you want me to get a pain potion.”
Regulus nodded, “That’d be helpful.”
James came back a few minutes later, potion in hand. “I’m going to put it on the bedside table, I won’t touch you.”
Regulus nodded.
James was true to his word and just put the potion on the table, Regulus took it and immediately his pain dialed down. He sighed in relief. The ache after the Cruciatus was always fucking horrible.
“Thanks,” he told James.
James smiled.
It didn’t take too long to heal from the curse. Thanks to his dearest mother, he had plenty of practice with it. Mostly, he spent time with James. Apparently James had cut a deal with Dumbledore to give him more time off to help Regulus since everything that’s happened. Remus and Sirius moved back into their own flat, but both promised to be here in a moment’s notice if they ever needed anything. Regulus has gotten more and more comfortable around James. They can be by each other, as long as it’s a foot or more, and that’s what they do—they talk and they talk and they talk.
Today they were outside. They had a big oak tree in their backyard and they were sitting at the trunk of it just relaxing and looking up at the sky. It was a partly cloudy day, a compromise you could say. James preferred hot sunny days while Regulus preferred cloudy and rainy ones.
“Okay okay,” James said excitedly, pointing to one of the clouds. “You can’t tell me that doesn’t look exactly like Padfoot! Like in dog form!”
Regulus rolled his eyes, how he and Sirius had unlimited energy was beyond him. He was about to tell James to stop being stupid when his voice took on a more serious tone.
“Reg?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think it would help if I turned into a stag?” Regulus looked at him. “I just, it’s a different body than well, this one and maybe it would make you more comfortable.”
Regulus thought about it. Yeah, it probably would, but it’s also different. Regulus wanted to get comfortable with James as a human, he doesn’t mind the stag but it’s not the same. It’s really considerate of James to think of that, but Regulus didn’t want to. He shook his head.
“Not the same,” he muttered.
James just nodded in agreement.
The first time Regulus touched James since that night was by accident. The two of them were in the kitchen. Regulus was heating up tea and James was making coffee. Regulus moved past James to get one of the mugs and the kettle had gone off and surprised him. He turned around too fast and bumped straight into James.
“Fuck,” he cursed, dropping the mug. It shattered against the kitchen floor, and Regulus jumped back.
“Shit, sorry,” James immediately said. Taking out his wand and fixing the mug, he put it back on the counter and backed away. “I’m sorry.”
Regulus nodded, he wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he didn’t think he was going to have a panic attack or slip into his mind, either. He was against the counter, but James was baking away and he didn’t feel unsafe, exactly, just on edge.
“I’m going to go to the living room, can you get my coffee when it’s done?” James asked.
Regulus nodded, “yeah of course.”
The rest of the morning was pretty uneventful.
The first time Regulus touches him on purpose is a few days later. They’re both on the couch, watching a movie. They were maybe a foot apart, and James’ hand is right there, right beside Regulus’.
“James?”
He hummed in acknowledgement, still watching the movie.
“Can I hold your hand?” he asked softly.
James looked at Regulus and all of his attention focused on him, “If you want to, yeah.”
Regulus moved his hand a little, but stopped it before it got near James’. James hadn’t even moved, he had a warm smile on and was being so patient. Regulus needed an out, though, he looked up at James hesitantly.
“I—can I use colours for this and if it gets too much. . .”
“Of course,” James agreed.
“And you’ll listen, right?” Regulus asked. James looked like he wanted to cry and Regulus almost felt bad for asking, but he needed to know. He needed to know that he could say no at any time, and it would be respected.
“Yes, Regulus, always,” James promised.
Regulus nodded, and moved his hands to just lightly touch James’. It felt like they were in school again, unsure what to do. Regulus wished he could go back there, wish they could go back to when their lives were that easy.
James lightly tapped Regulus’ hand back with his own. Regulus tried to control his breathing. He was safe, he was safe, he was safe. James wouldn’t do anything, he was safe. Regulus’ mind believed it, but his body didn’t. Why was he like this? They weren’t even holding hands, just lightly touching each other, yet it felt like drowning.
James pulled away and Regulus looked at him, “What?”
“You’re clearly uncomfortable,” James told him kindly.
Regulus looked away, “I’m sorry.”
“No, please don't be sorry, love, I’m so proud of you,” James said.
Regulus didn’t skip over the part where James called him, ‘love’. It’s the first time since that night that he had called him love. It comforted something inside him that James still loved him after all of this. That he still loved him even when he couldn’t bear to be touched.
They continued this, Regulus sometimes holding his hand or pulling away without warning. James never complained. He was always there when Regulus wanted to touch, but he was also there when Regulus couldn’t be in the same room with him. Yeah, things were getting better, but there were still a lot of bad days, and James respected his boundaries and helped him through every. Single. One.
They went on with life, missions, meetings, jobs, housekeeping. They balanced everything, the war, their homelife, Regulus’ mental health. They made it work. Sirius and Remus made weekly visits and things were getting better.
It was over a month before Regulus did anything more than holding hands. It was early in the morning, he was tired and not thinking straight. James was in the kitchen, humming, not paying attention to his surroundings. Before he could think, Regulus snuck up behind James and wrapped his arms around his waist.
“Morning,” Regulus muttered.
“Hi, Reg,” James greeted. James may not have made any outwardly movements, but Regulus could hear the shock and happiness in his voice. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Regulus let go.
James turned around and smiled at him, “You’re in a good mood.”
“I’m still half asleep,” Regulus grumbled.
James just smiled.
Regulus got more and more comfortable with touch after that. He always initiated it, and told James not to. He never crossed any boundaries, and was always understanding when Regulus was having a harder day.
When it all got too much, he’d say red and James would listen. He always listened. He always made sure Regulus felt safe and comfortable, or as much he could in the moment. James always listened, he always was patient, and Regulus didn’t know how he had earned someone like James.
Right now, Regulus was laying on James’ lap, while he was stroking his hair. Both of them were exhausted. Regulus had spent all day following around a ministry member so that he could report back to Voldemort. James had spent all day scouting out a Death Eater headquarters, and then a fight broke out. James was okay now, thank Merlin, but he was rather beat up when he got home.
Regulus had only recently become okay with this much touch, it was nice to be able to cuddle again. It wasn’t a lot, only a hug here and there or them laying together on the couch, but Regulus loved it and he could tell that James was so happy that Reg was feeling better.
James adjusted how he was sitting, and Regulus didn’t miss his wince. He looked up at him, “You okay?”
James nodded, “Yeah, still sore from the fight.”
Regulus nodded. There wasn’t much they could do. The war was still happening, they couldn’t just drop out of it because things between them were challenging. He couldn’t just go up to Voldemort and say he needed time off because he was figuring things out with his blood-traitor boyfriend. It wasn’t fair that they had to go through all of this.
“James?”
“Yeah, love?”
“Do you ever think about what our life would be like if there wasn’t a war?” Regulus asked.
James gave him a sad smile, “All the time.”
Regulus was kissing James.
They were on the guest bedroom bed, since Regulus still didn’t like to be in the main bedroom. It wasn’t heated, they were just kissing each other lightly, not holding on too tight or pinning each other down. He missed this. He missed James.
They had their first kiss since that night a few days ago. They were cuddling on the couch, talking about life after the war, and Regulus leaned up and kissed him. It was just a peck but James looked like the whole world had been handed to him. Other than a few pecks here and there, they hadn’t really done anything.
This was definitely the most passionate they had gotten so far, and it was still gentle. James was taking things slowly, giving Regulus enough time to pull back if he needed to. He didn’t. Regulus felt very comfortable, right now. At least, until James put his arms around Regulus’ neck and he felt trapped.
“Red,” he gasped, pulling back.
James immediately backed off, he was sitting about a foot away, hands in his lap. Regulus was trying to catch his breath. He hated that he couldn’t even snog his own boyfriend.
“You okay?” James asked, hesitantly.
Regulus nodded, “Sorry.”
James shook his head, “Please, don’t be sorry, I just want you to be comfortable.”
“I just—” he hesitated. “I don’t like feeling trapped or hands around my neck anymore.”
“Okay,” James said. “That’s okay, I’m sorry.”
Reg shrugged, “Not your fault.
“I should have asked first,” James argued.
Regulus really didn’t want to hear it, “I really don’t care, you stopped, it’s over, let’s move on.”
James knew that tone, he just nodded. Neither of them talked for a while. Eventually, James spoke up.
“You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to,” he told Regulus. “I don’t care if we never do again, I just want you to be okay.”
Reg shook his head, “I do want to, it’s just. . .just be patient with me, please?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“And, I—” Regulus stopped himself. He’d been thinking a lot lately—about James, about himself, about their relationship. “I don’t think I ever want to have sex,” he confessed. It was less than a whisper.
James looked at him kindly, “That’s okay.”
Reg looked at him. “You don’t care?”
James shook his head, “No, I want to do whatever makes you feel safe. I don’t mind, I promise.”
Regulus didn’t believe him, “I don’t just mean now or in the near future, James. I mean never, and I know that’s no fair to you but I can’t, okay? I just can’t.”
“Can I touch you?” James asked, and Regulus gave him a small nod.
He cupped Regulus’ face. “I don’t care,” James told him. “I don’t love you for your body. I don’t love you because of what you can give me. I wouldn’t care if you never wanted me to touch you again. I’d still love you from across the room, the way your eyes sparkle in the sun. I’d love the way you let your mouth tilt a tiny bit up in a smile before collecting yourself again. I’d love the way you talk and we’d have conversations for hours in the backyard. Reg, I want whatever you feel comfortable giving. I don’t need sex in a relationship. I don’t need sex to love someone, and certainly not you. You’re so perfect, Regulus, I don’t think I could ever stop loving you.”
Regulus didn’t know when he had started crying, but James wiped the tears off of his face with his thumb. It was soothing. James was so perfect. He loved so purely. Someone like him needed a better world to be in. One without war, one without rape, one where they could just have their happy ever after.
Regulus fell into James’ arm, and he just held him. Rubbing his arm up and down Reg’s back. Whispering again and again that he loved him. Regulus started crying again, to know someone loved you this much was a lot. Especially for Regulus; who had only known pain for most of his life. To know that he was safe, and cared for, it was something that he was never really sure he would get. Merlin, was he glad that he did.
Maybe things weren’t perfect now, maybe they never would be, but they’d make it work. Regulus had grown back his trust, and things looked like they’d be okay. They both knew that it would take time, and there would still be many bad days, but for the first time in a long while; Regulus truly believed things were going to be okay.