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Having expectations set on you, sure can be motivational and sometimes good. But going your whole life with expectations that seem unattainable for yourself makes ya feel….
Empty or just not knowing what else your worth is without attaining these goals.
Knowing your parents don’t value you as for yourself makes ya feel insane, playing two characters, the “at home” and the “true me?”. While my parents have their own image of who I am to them so, of course I have to play along. For my sake mostly I can’t imagine if I didn’t it just make living here worse, but I guess it’s a price I’m willing to pay to live somewhat comfortably.
Being at home is genuine hell if my parents are home or try to talk to me (quit acting like you care mom), staying in my room for hours on my resting days are honestly the best. Not having anyone bother me, being in my own world. No one’s home just the way I like it. While I sit there playing cod black ops 3, maybe even gta 5 if I get bored, I’m here stuck trying to figure out my worth out.
Truely what am I without football, if I were to quit, or worse maybe have a serious injury that forces me to quit what is my worth.
Who would be waiting at home for someone as useless as me if it were to happen.
Well one thing I do know I might not be broken on the outside but on the inside I no longer have passion for anything, it died a while back, so really why do I do what I do. I hate my parents so why do I still try to keep them happy when I myself am not.
Blue lock was my way out, I decided I’ll get out of this hell hole and actually have to try and maybe even find that long lost passion. Because I could no longer stand hearing the voices of my parents, every time the would chide about something I did wrong or something in practice, their voices irked me in ways that I didn’t know were possible. Some days when they would go on rambling all I could think about is ripping their larynx with my bare nails, clawing at their skin then the meat under til I use my teeth like a rabid dog to cut it clean off, while they slowly lose consciousness.
How lovely they would look silent, sadly they don’t know how to shut up. Even better if they completely stop acting like a real functioning family, acting like they actually care about me only makes me sick, I cry tears of anger (why do you care now?), I slit my wrists sometimes along with ripping hair out but it wasn’t to a degree to notice. I’ll live, like always and get over this, I wish they’d let me endulge in my games more it helps me drown out these thoughts of either killing myself or maybe killing them.
So I go along with my life following since I myself don’t know where I am headed, I’m a hollow shell of a person, which makes me happy I don’t feel much like this, like a sheep lead me to my demise, I gladly accept the knife to my neck if it’s what true freedom feels like maybe then I’ll truely feel alive.