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Curiously, Yugamu finds Eito, not in his room on the roof, but back in that odd room with the pods with the door that locks from the outside. From the doorway, Yugamu watches briefly as Eito crouches over a pod, arms folded over his knees, a contemplative look on his face. To catch his attention—so as not to startle him as Yugamu couldn’t walk with a loud gait even if he wanted to, that sort of weakness was tortured out of him at a young age—Yugamu raps politely on the doorframe before he enters the room.
Eito doesn’t react, as if he’d already known that Yugamu were there, or as if he doesn’t especially mind his entering. His periwinkle eyes are affixed to the wrinkled blankets in the pod he’s crouched over, like there’s something in particular that he’s examining… but when Yugamu makes his way over, it becomes obvious that there isn’t anything. Eito is merely staring vacantly, his cheek slightly squished against one of his forearms, looking mildly bored.
Yugamu clears his throat. “Are you feeling nostalgic for captivity already, Aotsuki-kun? I could help with that, you know.”
“Ahaha, I guess it must seem that way, huh?” Eito shifts, straightening, and rubs the back of his neck. He offers Yugamu an awkward smile, his usual fare, finally pulling back from the pod and sitting down on the floor, allowing his legs to splay in front of him. Because staring down at him while trying to hold a conversation is difficult, Yugamu joins him, tucking his legs neatly beneath himself and resting his hands in his lap. He raises an eyebrow as if to prompt the other boy to continue, but as he is wont to do, Eito does not pick up on the cue. He stares back at the pod instead.
“...Did you get enough sleep last night?” Yugamu asks wryly.
“Hm?” Eito’s eyes flit back in Yugamu’s direction, then widen. “Ah… I’m being rude, aren’t I? Were you looking for me?” He rubs the side of his neck with a sheepish smile. “Honestly, I’m just flattered to know that you sought me out in the first place… Did you need something, Yugamu-kun?”
“Well, not as such,” Yugamu says, unable to mask a hint of exasperation. The feeling eases as he continues. “I mostly wanted to get a chance to talk to you without Hiruko-chan or Sumino-kun around to intervene. Call it idle curiosity, I suppose.” He splays his hand, shutting his eye. “I hate to beat a dead horse, considering we all came to an agreement as a team, but…”
“Well, you didn’t really agree to anything back then, did you, Yugamu-kun?” Eito is smiling when Yugamu looks at him again, something more serene than the last smile he offered, an eyebrow raised. “In fact, if I’m not misremembering, you barely contributed to the conversation at all.”
Yugamu clears his throat, blushing. “It’s embarrassing that you noticed… In the first place, I was a proponent of your rejoining the team whether or not your feelings on all of us had changed. We’re not exactly in the position to be picky about how we source our manpower, are we? Or else we wouldn’t have brought Eva-chan into our ranks…” He breathes a sigh. Granted, he’d been against that maneuver too, even putting aside what he suspects was the ‘method’ employed to bring Eva into their ranks… but that all is only tangentially related to the hypothesis he’s following up on with Eito right now. “To say that I agreed with you joining the team as you are now would probably be an exaggeration, though…”
At that, Eito’s face does something funny. It shutters, like he’s hurt, and then he suddenly looks more contemplative. He leans over into Yugamu’s face, studying him closely through his glasses—which must have been replaced recently, Yugamu can’t help noticing, because where he once wore glasses with such a strong prescription that Yugamu could barely make out Eito’s eyes, the oval rims are now empty, leaving only open air between the two of them. The realisation makes Yugamu’s face warm more than it had already, and he clears his throat, extending a single pointed nail to push the taller boy back onto his ass.
“Aotsuki-kun, please.”
“Ah, sorry, sorry.” Eito laughs slightly. “I was just wondering about the way you said that… Then again, it’s probably too much to expect that it would escape your notice, isn’t it?”
Yugamu clears his throat, not entirely recovered still as he averts his gaze. “Maybe without Eva-chan to think about, but considering her situation…”
“...Right.” Eito sighs. He gestures with a hand, the way someone might while explaining how a traffic accident delayed their commute by ten minutes, resulting in their being late to work. “Well, what you’re thinking is pretty much completely accurate. I was able to be fixed using the exact same technology as they used on Eva-san. Hiruko-san oversaw the procedure, which is why she was so confident that I wouldn’t betray you all again…” He smiles bashfully and hangs his head. “But I understand if just having her endorsement wasn’t enough to convince you. You seem like a very pragmatic person, Yugamu-kun. I would’ve been surprised if you had accepted this without verifying for yourself…”
“It has nothing to do with that,” Yugamu admits. “...I’m not worried that you’ll betray us. Even if you do, everyone on the team knows to pay attention to you, and to question your intentions… I really doubt you’ll be able to get an upper hand on us, especially if you would be writing about your intention to do so in your diary the night before you put your plans into action.”
“Granted,” Eito says, with a mischievous smile on his face. Yugamu has a hunch about that too, but he chooses to ignore it for the moment, clearing his throat.
“No, I’m a little bit more curious about the procedure,” Yugamu explains. “You said that Hiruko-chan fixed you?”
“Yes,” Eito agrees without hesitating. “I’m very grateful to her.”
“And is that…” Yugamu covers his mouth with a sleeve, studying Eito intently. “...Really how you feel about it?”
Once again, Eito’s expression flashes between multiple reactions in a matter of moments. Surprise, then hurt, then uncertainty… He averts his gaze, awkward smile affixed to his lips all over again, and lets out a small chuckle. One of his gloved hands lifts and rubs at the side of his neck, and he looks between the pod that he’d been examining and Yugamu more than once, as if he’s waiting for Yugamu to expound upon that thought. He doesn’t have anything else to say about it, though. The question alone was clearly enough to dredge whatever complicated feelings Eito is actually working through regarding all of this. Yugamu doesn’t have any intention of giving him a chance to hide that fact.
Eventually, Eito’s shoulders droop. “How else should I feel about it?”
“To start with, I’d be really surprised if Hiruko-chan asked your permission before she started messing around in your brain,” Yugamu suggests. Eito waves both his hands.
“O-Of course not, but I wasn’t really in the state to agree,” Eito protests. “After all, I was operating under the delusion that I had some ordained mission to kill all of you… To kill all of our families back on the satellite. I’ve… already killed so many people.” He touches his chest, shutting one of his eyes. “Now that I can see you all as you are, I know exactly how misguided I was… I was the one who was wrong, all that time. If Hiruko-san had waited for my feedback, I would have stayed trapped in here for the full hundred days, plotting out how I could escape and sabotage the mission, maybe even kill all of you… Looking at it with a clear mind, there’s just no excusing the way that I was.”
Yugamu clears his throat. “I try not to describe matters of mental illness in terms like right or wrong. It feels counter productive to me… but sure, I’ll agree it would’ve been pretty inconvenient for us if you’d broken free and gotten into the defence room or something.”
What it boils down to is the fact that Yugamu doesn’t exactly feel that same ‘attachment’ to the idea of saving humanity as the rest of them might. There is a girl on that satellite who he wants to—no, swore to kill. If he doesn’t get to end her suffering with his own two hands, he’s as good as useless… It’ll be as if nothing he did ever mattered, at that point.
Yugamu has a hard time believing that things really are as they seem, though. So-called Invaders who look and sound very much like human beings, an Earth where all the signs are in a language that is utterly indistinguishable to them… Whatever they’re fighting for, Yugamu finds himself sceptical at times that they are truly doing the ‘right thing’, just what they were sent to this place to do. And it’s easy to feel motivated to keep doing that, because everyone else is so excited, and because Takumi is always there, visibly working incredibly hard to get them all to the finish line… Yugamu won’t move an inch out of line. He’s very good at doing that, despite his misgivings. That is after all the way of the assassin.
Hiruko and Takumi are themselves a part of the problem though, hiding so many secrets, knowing so much more than they want to let on. Most of the team have accepted the fact that the two of them will naturally continue to make things happen behind the scenes, but Yugamu can’t help but feel dissatisfied with that. He knows Takumi has some odd ability or experience that allows him to navigate situations with uncanny prescience, that the same is true of Hiruko. Whatever they did to Eito, it was in light of that knowledge of the future, without consulting the team, and without Eito’s consent. And maybe that was for the better, but…
“Yugamu-kun, you’re making a really scary face right now,” Eito says, with a nervous chuckle. “I’ll let you peek inside my skull if it’ll make you feel better… I promise Hiruko-san didn’t leave me with brain damage or anything.”
“That you know of,” Yugamu responds petulantly, then lets out a sigh. He probably is making a scary face. It’s bad form, sitting here and emoting in front of someone who, until a few days ago, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt couldn’t be trusted. He feels bad for him though, the same way that he feels bad for Eva. Whether or not his and Eito’s goals were aligned, at the end of the day, at least they had the opportunity to choose those goals before. Now it all just feels… like Eito never had a chance to start with.
It’s too familiar. Yugamu was killing before he even knew what ‘choice’ was. He’s a veritable collage of stolen body parts, a freak of nature both inside and out, both because of what has been done to him and because of what he has already done with his own two hands. Every choice his parents made regarding his construction was in the name of ‘fixing’ him, of attuning him to his purpose. He should feel a kinship with Eito, accordingly, but the reality is that it makes Yugamu feel faintly nauseous. It’s not right to do something like that to somebody—and what’s worse is that Yugamu isn’t going to do anything about it. He’s going to sit still, along for the ride, as he has always done, because he’s too stuck-in-his-ways to strike out and try to be different.
Yugamu pinches the bridge of his nose. “Aotsuki-kun, could you answer a question for me?”
“Sure, anything,” Eito says with a desperate smile. He’s sweating a bit. “What are you thinking?”
“Before… I know that you thought you were in the right, and everyone else was a monster,” Yugamu says, recalling the few conversations he held with the real Eito, the one who detested all of them just for breathing. “Even still, did you sometimes want… did you sometimes wish things were different? Have you ever looked at Sumino-kun for example and wanted to be his friend?”
Eito opens and closes his mouth. He cups his chin and hums softly, like he’s really weighing the question; his eyelids flutter, and Yugamu is enthralled by the motion. He’s really breathtakingly beautiful, like a painting of an angel or a siren, eyelashes thick and long, skin pale and completely unblemished. It’s deeply distracting, but Yugamu is at least able to lean back on his training and refocus when Eito starts to speak again.
“...Yes,” Eito eventually replies. “I… wanted to be Takumi-kun’s friend. I wouldn’t have admitted it, but… even knowing what I planned to do, he chose to spare my life. That… meant something to me.” He sighs. “Not that nobody was ever kind to me, but he knew how I felt about everyone here and still wanted to give me a chance. I wasn’t used to that feeling. It was honestly sort of addictive.” He looks up at Yugamu with a lopsided smile. “Takumi-kun is a popular person to feel that way about though, isn’t he? I doubt he’ll even give me the time of day, now that I’m no longer a thorn in his side… Haha, it’s a bit of a shame.”
Well, Yugamu doesn’t feel that strongly about Takumi one way or another. He really barely knows him. But seeing the bittersweet smile on Eito’s face tugs at his heartstrings in a way that Yugamu isn’t really used to… He’s not sure what to do with himself, so he gets to his feet and shakes out his hands, vibrating with a sudden burst of energy.
“Yugamu-kun?”
“Give me a second,” Yugamu mutters, digging his nails into his palms. “If I keep looking at you while you’re making that face, I think I’ll snap and kill you on impulse.”
“Eh?” Eito blinks, eyes going wide. He splits into a lopsided smile. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
Yugamu whines. “In what world is me killing you right here a good thing? It wouldn’t even mean anything! Impulsive, heat-of-the-moment killing… That’s total amateur stuff!”
“O-Oh?” Eito doesn’t appear to know how to react. “My mistake, then…”
Yugamu flaps his hands, then buries them within his sleeves, taking deep breaths to self-regulate. His eyes fall on the pod that Eito had been staring at and, reminded of another question, he prompts, “Aotsuki-kun, why were you in here to begin with?”
Lips puckering, Eito follows Yugamu’s gaze. The sheets inside of the pod are disturbed. The fastidious person that he is, Yugamu sort of would have expected Eito to have made the bed the last time he left it, but maybe Hiruko didn’t leave him with time to. She’s not the coddling type. Eito doesn’t seem especially bothered by that fact, or maybe he is and it just isn’t showing on his face. Rather, his expression is somewhat wistful. He extends a gloved index finger and carefully straightens out a crease.
“It’s silly,” Eito admits. “But… I think… I miss sleeping in here. Or maybe…”
He trails off. His lips tighten at the corners, tremble minutely, and then relax into a mellow smile. He shakes his head, eyes half-lidded once again.
“No… that’s silly. Forget what I was going to say, Yugamu-kun, really.”
Already, though, Yugamu’s brain is supplying the other half of that sentence: Or maybe what I miss is the person I was when I was in here. Is it ridiculous to miss being lonely and exiled? Imprisoned, distrusted? It must be on an objective level, but Yugamu thinks he might understand. If he could remember it, he would probably miss the person he was when he was younger, too—the person who had the two hands that he was born with, who wasn’t so obsessed with dying, who used to fantasise about having a boyfriend and a pet scorpion, not necessarily in that order.
Eventually, Yugamu drops into a crouch. His jitters have worn off, so he’s not worried that he’ll kill Eito on accident when he reaches over and sets a hand on his shoulder.
“I understand,” Yugamu says quietly. He lets Eito process his words for a mere moment, watches his eyes widen, and then clears his throat, flushing dark. “A-Anyway, were you joking when you offered to let me do a more thorough examination of your faculties? It wouldn’t be smart to crack open your skull considering that we need you out on the battlefield, but I can think of a few other tests that might give me some peace of mind…”
“Is peace of mind what you’re after?” Eito asks, with a serene smile. “Sure, Yugamu-kun. I’d be honoured if you would dig into my brain.”
How much of it is remorse, Yugamu has to wonder, as he pulls his hand back and straightens once again. How much of it is Eito’s eyes being clear of the impairment that’d tormented him for so many years—and how much of it is whatever other meddling Hiruko did to erase the years of resentments, the very understandable reasons that Eito had to detest humanity, detest the team even? Does a change like this just happen because your view of the world is altered? Eito is so placid now. Would he have been that way in the first place, or did Hiruko and Takumi take from him something that can never be given back?
Yugamu isn’t confident in his ability to find all of that out, but he has a few tests he can run, non invasive, that can at least verify Eito’s earlier assertion that he wasn’t left with permanent brain damage. That’s the most Yugamu can really offer him at this juncture, in the absence of more information, and the blessings of his teammates to boot… He’ll just have to keep an eye out for him, from then on. From one failed science experiment to the next, Yugamu sort of figures he owes Eito that much.