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“I've never seen the sun. And it's making me crazy. Why is everything so fucking hopeless?” Edgar complained. His eyes wandered towards mine and the intense pain could be clearly seen around his irises. “This hell will never end.”
“It will end soon, I promise it to you.”
“Why won't you just let me –“ he started.
“Edgar,” I interrupted. “We've talked about this. Death is not a solution to a problem that someone else created.” I was unable to look at Edgar any longer, feeling like I was the one who ruined his life. I regretted the past, but even mentioning it was futile. It helped no one. “Just, hang on a while longer.”
“But there's nothingness inside. And it's huge.”
“How can you say that there's nothing? You are, by far, the most important person I've ever met. You're meaningful. You make me want to go on with this. Without you... without you I'd be easily nothing,” I said quietly. I pulled Edgar closer, grabbing his dirty clothes tightly as he began to cry. Tears were falling onto his lap and he didn't even care. “You're not nothing. There are things inside you, magnificent things. Beautiful things.”
It didn't take long for Edgar's tears to dry, as always. He sighed loudly, sliding his fingers against my arm, his fingers touching the scar on my arm softly. He turned to look at me, biting his lip. He frowned a bit and for a moment he looked much younger than he actually was.
“Let me do something for you,” Edgar said quietly, looking suspiciously around. There was a bit of a mischievous look in his eyes, but I couldn't quite grasp what he was up to. I rarely could. “Can I? I know it'd make you feel better about all this. I can make you forget about all this shit. For a moment.”
“Can you?” I asked, urging Edgar. He nodded nervously. His face was almost impossible to read when he had set his mind to something. “Well then, show me.”
I was quite sure that I was more surprised about my reaction than Edgar. When Edgar's warm lips touched mine and he put his hand on my thigh, I lost it. I pushed him on his back, spreading his legs so I could press my hips against his. There was something burning on Edgar's eyes, something I didn't bother to look closer.
The way Edgar kissed, there was something else to it. He was amazingly good. It sparked a suspicion that quickly disappeared under immense pleasure. Everything went black for a moment, when I felt the years of not having anyone touch me burst out violently. I winced, closing my eyes to even my laboured breathing.
“I told you, I can make you forget,” Edgar whispered. He pulled himself from under me and sat up. He crossed his legs and turned his eyes away from mine. His embarrassment was more than clear. His cheeks were red and his hands were shaking.
Minutes passed and I felt like a fool. I felt like I was just using Edgar, even though he was the one suggesting things. I was supposed to take care of him, not use him the way I pleased. Guilt washed over me, causing pain behind my eyes.
“There's something, Edgar. Tell me, have you been kissing other boys?” I teased, leaning my back against the wall. He frowned at me, scoffing.
“No, not other boys. Other men. I'm not a child any more, Curtis.”
“Since when?” I asked, surprised. I always thought that Edgar would tell me, or at least that I'd notice something. “It's not... I mean, I'm just surprised.”
“That someone would do it with me? That someone would...” I sighed and shook my head.
“No, I just, well I think I just thought you as innocent as any other child. Not that you're a child any more... Why me?”
“I wanted to do something to you. I wanted to... I don't know, make you forget this. If just for a moment. It helps me. Being close to someone I care about. It gives me hope, even though I often complain and make a fool out of myself.”
“Who?” Edgar scoffed and rolled his eyes, then he turned to look at me. He looked at me the way he often looked at me, amused.
“You, idiot,” Edgar said softly, smiling at me. “Wanna go again? And this time, I'd like you to do something for me.”