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He couldn’t explain why he stepped on the flower. He just did it. There wasn’t a clear reason as to why. Maybe it was jealousy, hatred, curiosity. He didn’t know. Then Till got mad, or at least Ivan thinks he did. A dull, yet sharp pain bloomed as Till's hand painted a mark across his face. It didn’t feel like someone had just punched him, but rather the universe had shoved all its contents at his heart. He hit back, tainting his beautiful face with dirty bruises. All this, just because of some flower. Well, not just some flower, was it? It was that precious to Till, that was why he got so angry.
“Go away.” The words hit Ivan hard in the chest everyday, but he paid it no mind. It was routine now. Everyday, when he set foot within five metres (sorry to the Americans using inches and feet, I only know cm and m) radius of him, Till would hurl those two words at him like bullets. His pride and dignity wouldn’t allow any reactions, if those were the right words to explain why he kept his smile. He would close the distance between them and begin pestering him all day anyway, though. Till always seemed annoyed, but Ivan would catch how the corners of his mouth often curled upwards in the subtlest way.
He was fun to be around, but Unsha was giving Ivan less and less time to bother and annoy him, saying he needed to rehearse more, study more, learn more. How frustrating. No, shut up Ivan, you don’t have a choice anyways. Why would you even complain? It’s better to just follow orders and be obedient.
His life had changed drastically in the last ten or so years. To start, he was adopted, given warm food, a roof, clothes, bed, shower, and everything he only ever saw from outside windows. The one thing he still didn’t receive was love, though he had no clue what the word truly meant. Then he met Till. He was unlike anyone he had ever seen before. He was a gift sent from God themself. Every cell in his body shivered from pure awe. His presence felt unbelievably sacred, like it was the only flame keeping a dark room light. Like hope in Pandora’s box. Like a star in the pitch black sky. Every time Till smiled, a meteor shot through Ivan’s brain, illuminating it. Every time Till spoke to him, a tulip bloomed in a dead garden. Every time he watched Till draw, a rainbow brightened the wet world. Everything about him was beautiful in every way. The washed-out blue hair that danced when he ran. The viridian eyes that drilled holes through the wall Ivan had built around himself. The rebellious personality that always called for trouble ending in him getting all beaten up, muted by his collar. This was what love was. He knew it, this was it.
Every single free moment he could garner was spent with Till, trying to get him to look his way. To notice him. To see him and realise just how much affection he had. If Ivan talked to him more, would he grab his attention?
“What are you looking at, Till?” he asked one day. Till practically levitated off the ground, startled by Ivan’s voice suddenly snapping him out of his hazy daydream. His widened eyes scrambled to meet the other’s crimson ones. “N-nothing. Just zoned out,” he muttered, but Ivan saw who his gaze had followed. Mizi. Well, of course. What did he expect? He always caught the way Till’s face lit up when speaking to her. How a pretty shade of pink flooded his whole face when she flashed her radiant grin at him. Even now, she was running around with the rest of the kids of Anakt Garden, laughing and singing and blabbering about the future. The future, when they would participate in the Alien Stage. When they would compete against each other, less for their own lives and more for their guardians’ fame. The same future Ivan was afraid to face.
All his life, it was spent doing things he was told to. He never did something solely because he had really wanted to. Smiling, singing, being polite, exercising, taking care of his appearance. All to stay the prized, perfect son of Unsha that was never to be treated as a human. Performing in the show maybe wouldn’t have been so terrifying if it had stayed like that. Maybe if he had never grown attached to his current life, dying wouldn’t have been such a scary idea. If he hadn’t met Till, if he hadn’t taught him to choose, to want, to wish. If he hadn’t altered his life so much.
If he hadn’t met him.
But what was he saying? Till was Ivan’s everything. He couldn’t even imagine a life without him anymore. He was the one Ivan spent the most time with. He was the one that made him feel real. Like someone who actually existed instead of like a petal floating down a river with no meaning. He was the one that made him feel something. Joy, gloom, fear, envy, wrath, anything. It all felt possible when Till was around. His presence seemed to rearrange the universe. So powerful, right in the centre of Ivan’s world.
✴︎★✴︎
The green grass felt soft under his weight. The too-blue sky and sunshine poured down into Ivan’s void-black eyes. Muted laughter erupts from the crowd of kids playing tag. The way their faces scrunched up in ear-to-ear smiles. The way they snickered at just about anything that was even remotely amusing. The way they seemed to genuinely enjoy being with each other. The way they felt happiness.
Unfair.
It felt as if everyone else was giggling and splashing water at one another by the river, while he alone drowned in the suffocating depths of the sea. His mind was always in a fog, creating carcasses of emotions that never had proper forms. No words seemed to fit the filthy scribbles within him, or maybe it was just that he never knew the definitions of the terms. Everything only existed as an idea, not experience.
He sat up on his hands, craning his neck to look at the others. All that sound, it felt so far and distant. He used to wonder if it could be him in that crowd, hopping around and genuinely smiling, instead of with his perfect facade that always shaded himself from everyone else. He sighed, as he fell back to a lying position and spread his arms around. Lost in thought, until–
“Ivan!” A familiar voice cut through the comfortable air, interrupting the peaceful moment. Till came running over to the tree Ivan was sitting at, limbs flailing, clothes swishing and hair whipping around. He gradually dropped his speed to catch his breath, plopping down next to Ivan.
Ivan said nothing. Maybe he thought Till would dissolve into the air if he did. He waited for the younger boy to say something, watching the rise and fall of his chest. “What’re you doing here? I know you’re like, antisocial, but you look stupid all on your own.”
“Seriously? You came all the way here to tell me I look dumb?” he retorted. “Well, thanks for informing me, I guess.” Till tutted.
“You’re insufferable sometimes. I regret coming over here,” he shot back after a moment of silence. Ivan scoffed. What a great way to start a conversation. Not that it was any different from what he did on the daily, though. He always bothered Till.
Silence filled the space between them, static and charged, running thunderbolts whenever one of them shifted. Ivan turned his eyes towards him while keeping his head forward. His gaze traced the outline of Till’s sculpted face, the hunched arc of his back, the strands of hair sticking up at awkward angles. There was the tiniest cut on his lip, probably from being thrown around by Urak again. He had only seen Till’s guardian once, but Ivan instantly knew he despised him. The obvious flickers of annoyance and hatred, the twitch of his arm as he fought the need to hit his pet in the face. Till himself seemed to have gotten used to it, though. Ivan saw how his eyes burned with resentment all the time still, and he knew the flames would never smother down, but the rebellious boy had learnt to control himself, at least more so than before.
“Why don’t you– I don’t know –run around like maniacs with the others?” Till asked.
“If you’re asking why I prefer being productive, I’m just smarter.”
“Wow. Such an inspiring answer.”
“I know.”
“You know, you’re annoying.”
“I think I’ve already heard that about a million times coming from you,” Ivan smiled.
Simple conversations like these made his empty days glow. TIll was sunshine to his withered flower. But just as he was having the time of his usually monotonous life, basking in the light of Till’s presence—
“Hey guys! Whatcha doing?” A bright, enthusiastic voice sliced open the familiar silence between the two. Mizi came skipping towards them with her glasses bouncing on the bridge of her nose. Till visibly tensed up, a furious blush igniting in all the way from neck to temple. “H-hey Mizi,” he managed, voice cracking awkwardly. He was a mess around her.
Something about Till’s dialogue was hilarious to her, and the girl fell to the ground beside them in an uncontrollable fit of giggles. Till looked down with wide eyes, the embarrassment evident in his face. “Oh, look at you Till. The wonderful gentleman you are, telling jokes to make her laugh,” Ivan joked. This only worsened Mizi’s condition, with her gasping and wheezing for air. “Ha–I can’t–I can’t breathe–”
A laugh broke out of Till, and Ivan nearly choked on the air. This time, it wasn’t because of the beauty of the sound or the effects it brought onto him. It was the fact that Mizi was able to so easily get it out of him. His chest felt like it was caving in on itself, constricting. He just sat there, watching the two of them doubling over together.
He felt stupid. Numb.
He had already known that it would be impossible to get Till to turn his way. He had already accepted it long ago. What about this little moment was so different from every other day?
Nothing.
He would never acknowledge his feelings. He would never let them out. He would never confess them to Till. He would never hurt Till. Not until he gathered the courage and stopped being a coward.
He would keep them to himself, and bear the burden and suffer alone. He would keep the secret and bring it to the grave.