Work Text:
It starts like this:
No, let me tell it. You weren't even there for the first part, kid, why would you tell it - no, Dad, I'm getting there, hold on!
Anyways, it starts like this:
Purple's like, "On a scale of one to a billion, how mad do you think Dad is going to be after this?"
(Why is he slapping himself in the face like that?)
(It's called a facepalm, Cho. He does it when he thinks we're being dumba - idiots.)
(I literally heard you call a bunch of Father's men way worse stuff than 'dumbass', why are you censoring yourself now?)
(Your baby brother wasn't in the room, Second.)
AHEM.
(Ugh. Sorry, Gold, we'll shut up.)
Thanks. Continuing on:
So I'm like, "After this? Mm...six hundred and seventy-three million, one hundred and seventeen thousand, nine hundred and eighty-one."
And Purple agrees that, yeah, that sounds about right. And she goes, "We're still doing this, though, right?"
And I'm like, "Hell, yeah. Pass me that stink grenade."
(He's doing the facepalm thing again.)
(You two are going to turn every last one of my hairs white, I swear.)
(Aww, we love you too.)
Navy's getting all high-and-mighty again, right? Anyways, it's about time somebody did something about the stick he's got up his -
(BABY, Gold.)
Whoops. Anyways, Navy sucks, Purple and I think he deserves to be taken down a peg or two. Especially after organizing a meet with another gang boss to talk about stealing our turf. Like, the nerve. Hence, stink bombs.
So we're staking out the warehouse we know they're going to meet up in, y'know?
(How did you even find out about that?)
Purple still has a couple friends in the Monarchs, so they keep tabs on her dad for her.
(Ah.)
Anyways, everybody's getting there, and we're coming up with some banger gang names for 'em since we don't recognize most of 'em. But pretty soon we see old head honcho himself, and boy if he doesn't look like he's been sucking on lemons.
(He was probably really pissed that he had to team up someone else. Monarchs don't run with anybody.)
Idiot. No wonder he was such a sucky dad.
So Purple and I are debating whether we should release the stink bombs right at the begining of the meet or if we should wait a bit until they're really going, y'know? Like, where's the max on the chaos and embarrassment scale?
I say early on. Purple says middle. She knows the guy better, so we decide on middle.
Also that way we could listen in just in case there's anything we actually need to know, y'know?
(White hairs, Gold.)
And then Becker gets there. And man, guy does not look like he's the boss of a gang like the Cursors. Like, guy looks like he should be teaching history or something. And he's got this kid with him, and I'm like, who's the kid?
(I'm the kid. I'm fifteen, though, I'm not actually a kid.)
(Sure, kid.)
(My brothers are actual kids. I'm not.)
(They're baby, Sec. You are kid.)
(Now Sec is facepalming. Why does he think you're an idiot, Purple?)
(He's being silly, Cho.)
(Oh. Heehee!)
(Dad, look how cute he is. There is literally no way we're not keeping them.)
Let me finish the story! So Becker's got Sec with him, and I'm like, who's the kid? And Purple's like, oh yeah, I think Becker's got kids. Must be one of them.
And I'm sitting here like, do we need to kidnap somebody again?
(It wasn't kidnapping, I came willingly.)
Eh...legally...
(Huh. We should probably do something about that while we're taking care of all the stuff for these guys.)
(Purple, I can't adopt four children on impulse.)
(I can.)
(Purple.)
(I'm over eighteen. Command would help me forge the paperwork.)
(Purple, no.)
(Purple, yes.)
Anyways, so the meeting starts, right? And Purple is smaller than I am, so she's kind of got herself wormed through a crack in one of the windows so that she can hear.
(He was holding onto my ankles, Dad, don't worry.)
(That does not reassure me in the slightest.)
And it starts off pretty boring, like, my dudes. Quit it with the posturing. But then they both start griping about you, Dad, and it was actually pretty funny. Like, they're so whiny! I couldn't hear most of it, but Purple was signing some of the best stuff to me and I almost dropped her at one point 'cause I was trying so hard not to laugh.
(This is why I am not reassured.)
And, ugh, then Becker starts making all these jabs about how Purple left, and boy does that make her sucky sperm donor mad. Like, he's not yelling yet, but he's definitely plotting murder. What was he even saying, Purple? Like, all I got was that he was being a di - a jerk.
(Ugh. Nasty stuff. I mean, he was basically boasting about how he's better at child abuse cause his kids were too scared to run off.)
Dad, plot murder later. Adopt adorable children now.
(I am not a kid - )
Adopt the three adorable kids and the adorable adult now, then.
Anyways, then Navy says something and like, I can't hear it, but I can see Becker smirking at him like "that's cute." And then he just straight up turns around, I kid you not, and slaps poor Sec into next week.
(You okay, kid?)
(They got me an icepack already.)
(We'll talk later, kiddo.)
And Becker is like, see, my kid is obedient.
(And that's when Purple threw a stink bomb at Father! And it hit him on the nose!)
And that's when Purple decided, yeah, screw this, and nailed Becker right in the schnozz with a stink grenade, yeah.
And so then, like, everybody in the warehouse is shouting and it smells like about a hundred skunks died and used dirty gym socks for their shrouds -
(Ooh, poetic.)
Thanks. And I'm hauling Purple out of the window cause I know we're going to have to haul ass out of here, and she's all, "Lemme at him, I'm going to make him regret ever being born," et cetera, and like, wow, Purps, I don't think I've ever heard such creative threats from anybody. Never getting on your bad side, sis.
(Aww, thanks.)
(What did she even say?)
(Not repeateable in baby company, Dad.)
(I see.)
Anyways, so I'm dragging Purple out of there, and we've just gotten down to ground level when we slam right into somebody, and I kid you not, they just go flying. And I'm like, "Uh oh, do I need to throw hands?" But then I notice it's the kid, and Purple's all, "Sweet, we're kidnapping him," so now she's got him and I've got her and I'm dragging both of them down the street. And the kid's all, "What the hell?" And I'm like, "You're too young to swear, young man!"
(I'm fifteen!)
Anyways, eventually we get out of there and get clear, and I'm starting to realize, shit, we just kidnapped a person who may not have wanted to be kidnapped, which is super rude.
(...rude.)
Yeah, like, we could've asked if you wanted to be kidnapped! We were in a rush, sure, but it would've taken, like, two seconds.
(Huh.)
So anyways, Sec here is kinda panicking just a little bit, so Purple and I help him calm down and, like, explain the situation a bit. And then once we get it through his head that we'll let him go if he wants but that we really want a baby brother -
(I want to be a middle child if it means adorable baby brothers. No contest, man.)
Never possible to have too many sibs, agreed. Anyways, then Sec is like, how do four baby brothers sound?
(And I'm like, hell yeah!)
So anyways, then we go with Sec to his place, and he sneaks in and grabs his brothers while we lurk in the bushes outside, and it's all very tense. And pretty soon this kid comes outta the house with a backpack and he trots up to us and he's like, are you our ride? And Purple and I are like, boo yeah, we are. Except we'll have to walk back, lol.
And pretty soon Sec comes back outta the house too, and he's got the other two kids, and like, the baby has this little stuffed sheep and he's so cute I might literally die. And then we start walking, right, and we're on edge 'cause we're still in the Cursors turf and if they find us making off with their boss's kids that's not going to go over well.
(Father would probably kill you, if he didn't torture you and hold you as leverage.)
Yeah, see, I don't like that possibility, and neither does Purple, so once we're safely back in home turf we're breathing a lot easier. But we're still not home free, so we're moving pretty fast, and the littles are getting tired so I'm carrying Cho piggyback and Purple's holding Vic and I'm a little jealous cause he fell asleep on her and it's adorable. Like, his hair is so fluffy, and he's doing that thing babies do where they just totally curl up and stick their fingers in their mouth while they're asleep.
(I asked a lot of questions, Mr. King!)
(Yes, you did, Cho, good job.)
Anyways, then we finally make it back home, and both Purple and I have our hands full, so Purple says "screw it" and kicks the door open, and Command just gives us The Look.
(The Look?)
(You'll see it a lot, kiddo. Command is really good at Looks.)
Yeah. Anyways, then we come barging in here with our horde of adorable new little sibs, and here we are.
(I see.)
Look at them, Dad! They're so cute! And also definitely being abused by their butthole of a dad. You can't not adopt them.
(Have you even asked if they want to be adopted, Gold?)
(...I wanna be 'dopted, Mr. King, sir. Gold and Purple are really funny.)
(I guess. But if you hurt my brothers I'll hurt you, you - )
(Dark, don't call him names! I'm sorry, sir, he's just...um. Undersocialized.)
(That's alright, Sec. You don't raise hellions like the two I have without hearing some interesting things.)
(Hah. But, I mean, you've got a good rep, for a gang boss. And everybody heard what happened with Purple, so.)
(Oop, baby's waking up. Hey, buddy, how was your nap? Here's your sheep, you were gonna drop it so I told your big brother to carry it for you.)
(Here you go, Viccy.)
(Can you say: thanks, Cho?)
(...Cho.)
(Good job, hon. Hey, do you want to be adopted?)
(Uh?)
(I'll take that as a yes. Well, Dad?)
(I don't know why I ever expect you two to be anything but completely insane. Yes, we can keep them.)
Sweeeeeeeeeet!
(Gold?)
Yeah, Dark?
(Will you teach me howta make stink bombs?)
What kind of big brother would I be if I didn't teach you?
(Yesss.)
(I'm maybe starting to regret this.)
(Uh.)
(Yeah, Vic, let's get a snack. I think we're all hungry.)
(Uh.)
(Oh, hugs! Thank you, Vic. I like hugs.)
Hey, I'm missing out! Somebody give me hugs.
Thanks, Cho.