Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The door of the apartment swings open with a single push, and Akihiko knows immediately that something is wrong.

First observation: the lights are all off. Given that the current time is approximately fifteen minutes after six in the evening, and that there should be at the very least one other person inside the apartment at this time — barring an emergency — it's rather alarming that the only light is the slow fading of the setting sun through the kitchen window.

Second observation: on the counter inside of said kitchen, there are several takeout boxes — delivery specifically — piled on top of each other. Though Akihiko's glasses are currently atop his head, he's fairly sure they're all from the ramen place a block down the street, which very notably has an item on the menu Haruka considers a safe comfort food. They have not been thrown out. There are definitely more than three; this was the third day of Akihiko's visit to family, which means multiple meals a day of the same food.

His pulse instantly begins to rabbit. It's not helped by the faded white t-shirt draped haphazardly across the couch, or the several empty beer cans on the TV table, or the plastic wraps from Saban bakery on the floor. A glance down near the entrance to the kitchen makes it clear the cats' bowls are very empty, and an instant later, little clicking claws announce Hana's entrance into the main room, followed by her scratchy voice howling up a storm at Akihiko's feet.

Behind her follows Raicho, looking as hopeful as a cat can be before she realizes who he is. Then, she sits, partially shadowed by the hallway leading to the bedrooms, curling her creamy orange tail around white paws with her ears turned back against her head. Which can only mean…

Third observation, as Akihiko bends down to scratch his baby behind the ears: Hayato's work shoes are the only pair of his by the front door. His casual jacket does not hang on the coat rack.

…That's probably not a good sign.

"Haruka?" Closing the front door behind him, Akihiko calls out into the quiet apartment, picking up the squirming brown tabby weaving around his ankles. The cat jumps from his arms when a crash sounds from down the hall, suspiciously similar to the noise made by a human body hitting a floor, and with alarm, he cries, "Are you okay?" as a door is opened.

Feet stumble across the wood floor, and a very familiar, very haggard young woman nearly falls flat on her face coming out into the main room. Just barely, she's able to brace against the wall with her palm and maintain her upright position, but it's a pretty close thing, and Akihiko has to resist the urge to reach out and steady her. She'd probably flinch away, then apologize, and he hates causing her to do that. But she looks so unsteady. "Uh— Hey, Aki. Um, welcome back, I guess. Sorry about—" Glancing down, Haruka's face flushes pink in the fading light, and, immediately, she turns around and disappears right back down the hallway. "Lemme get some pants on—!"

In the woman's wake, black and white hair ruffled and sticking up on the sides of her head, bags under her dual-colored eyes miles long, Akihiko simply stands for a moment. With the state of the apartment, it's not a surprise she's been wandering around in nothing but boxers and a hoodie. It was hard to get a good look in the dim light, especially at this distance and, again, without his glasses on, but there didn't seem to be any new… marks on Haruka's skin, which is a worry, if she's in this state. So, that's… good?

Doesn't even begin to give Akihiko any clues as to what specifically happened after he left Thursday evening. But the vague shape of the weekend is beginning to take place.

It's not pretty.

Switching on the living room lamp, Akihiko sets about doing some tidying of the space while he waits. Hana chatters at him insistently, and he eventually has no choice but to feed both of the animals, especially after Raicho swipes at his ankle from under the couch while he's dealing with the beer cans. By the time he stands again, having clicked the lid back onto the container for the cat supplies, more tentative footsteps announce Haruka's return.

Her hair's been tamed somewhat, no longer literally everywhere as it curls down towards her shoulders. The zip-up hoodie is open now, showing a loose t shirt over the sweatpants she's hastily pulled on to cover her legs, and this time, her phone's in her hand. She looks uncomfortable, still pink in the cheeks, lips pressed together tight. "How, um— How was your trip?" Haruka asks, a mumble. Her fingers fiddle with the zipper of her sweater nervously, and Akihiko's sure she's barely holding back from reaching up to mess with one of the hoops in her ear. It's one of her more blatant tells.

Whatever happened, she really doesn't want to broach the subject herself. "…It was fine," Akihiko replies, stepping away from the cats as they ravenously devour their dinner. He fixes Haruka with a concerned look, though still maintains his distance. "Are you okay?"

The woman pushes air through her teeth dismissively. Its effect is significantly dulled by the obvious knot of tension in her shoulders, and completely obliterated by her eyes, looking anywhere in the room but at Akihiko. "Yeah, I'm— 'M fine," Haruka mumbles, the dishonesty so plain in the way she's just standing that it's kind of baffling she'd even try.

"Uh-huh." Glancing again around the room, at the cups left out on the counter, then once more at the takeout boxes, Akihiko lifts his eyebrows questioningly to his roommate. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

"Nothing happened." It's so forced. Partially through an awkward chuckle.

Bless Sakura Haruka for being so unbelievably transparent. "Okay," Akihiko starts, slowly and carefully approaching before placing his hands on the sides of her shoulders. "Do we want to try that again?" His lips press into a tight, thin smile, though he aims for comforting. "And this time, without lying?"

He feels a little bad about how easy it is; Haruka crumbles immediately. Her shoulders sink, the obvious attempt at cheerful neutrality tumbling away from her face to show near abject misery underneath, her eyes faded and narrow and lips turned down into a trembling pout of proportions such that Akihiko hasn't seen in over a year. "I'm sorry," the woman mumbles, her voice thin. "I haven't— 'M not sleepin' well."

Oh, this is going to be leagues worse than he thought. Akihiko squeezes her biceps comfortingly, then slowly draws Haruka into a tight hug, throwing his arms up around her neck and pulling her head down. "Don't apologize," he gently scolds. "Just tell me what happened, and we can figure out what to do about it, okay?" When she nods, sinking into Akihiko's shoulder and grasping at his back, he huffs a relieved sigh. "Good. Now, where's Hayato?"

Bad question. Haruka's body instantly tenses under his hold, and she doesn't respond for several long seconds. When she does, it's with a firm shake of her head and a, "Don' know."

Carefully, Akihiko extracts himself, though he doesn't go far, still leaving firm hands to either side of her jaw. Her face is so close, and so clearly miserable and guilt-ridden. And— Fuck, Hayato is gone, and she clearly doesn't want to talk about it…

"…What did he do?"

Haruka's hands close over her face, shoulders hunched and shaking as she inhales, slowly, a long, deep breath. She's trying not to cry.

That's alarming. It is true, of course, that in the past couple of months, Haruka has cried more times than Akihiko can remember seeing over the entire four years he'd known her prior, an expected side effect of the new hormones slowly making her body more hers. But those have been… well, ordinary. Sobbing at a character's death in the audio book she's listening to, frustration at a stupid, petty argument with Hayato, getting an extraordinarily heartfelt gift from Masaki. This is something entirely different. As close as they are, it's clear this isn't the first time she's cried recently, and her whole body is tensing up in an effort to hold it back. Haruka's only ever gotten like this when she's really drunk, inhibitions lowered to allow emotional responses through that had previously been repressed for years. She doesn't smell like alcohol, but there were beer cans on the table… "…Haruka, you're not drunk, are you?"

As much as Akihiko hates playing the disappointed parent role, it's hard to repress when worry is making his insides start to feel shivery. If it's this bad, that she's been drinking all weekend— But she shakes her head, wiping at her eyes with the sides of her hand. "Not— Not right now, 'm just… I was… napping. Earlier."

The way Haruka says the word "napping" feels wrong. Akihiko's pretty sure he knows why. It really doesn't comfort him much; even if she's not drinking as much as he'd feared, staying in bed all day crying isn't any better in the "good for you" department. "Okay," is all he says, however, before taking her hands in his own. "C'mon, let's sit. Tell me what happened, we'll figure out what to do— When was the last time you ate anything? Or drank water?"

It was a while ago, so Akihiko sets her down on the couch and heads for the kitchen, though not without popping over to the bathroom for a moment to grab something. Clearing away the takeout boxes and anything else left out takes a few minutes, but he comes back with a little bag of rice snacks, a glass of water, and Haruka's daily medication tracker; the pockets for the entire weekend rattle when he shakes it pointedly. Her miserable, embarrassed pout and the flush in her cheeks are all the proof he needs, and she obediently tosses the tablets under her tongue before snatching the bag of crackers.

Settling down onto the couch beside her, Akihiko lets Haruka eat for a little bit, calm down from her near crying episode. It doesn't take long, especially once she's downed half the glass of water — despite Akihiko's reminder not to chug it — and he eventually scoots closer, bumping their shoulders together encouragingly. "So… when did Hayato leave? How long has he left you alone?"

A despairing little shrug shakes Haruka's shoulders, and she swallows before elaborating. "Um… The night after you did. We, uh…" She stops, then pops a few more crackers in her mouth, chewing for a long time to avoid answering. Can't do that forever, though, and, eventually, she mumbles, "…We got drunk and watched a movie."

Akihiko's eyebrows shoot up. "'We'? Both of you?"

She nods.

…Well. That changes things, he supposes.

While it is true that, up until just a couple of weeks ago, both Haruka and Hayato were still technically underage, it's not as if she hasn't been drunk before. Hell, Akihiko himself drank at least once when he was still underage, and a good portion of their local extended friend group had as well. It wasn't often, but Haruka's spent plenty of nights out at various people's houses — although, he's pretty sure she only ever got really wasted with Jo, because he and Hayato fully trusted the woman and her boyfriend to care for their roommate. For many different reasons.

But Hayato never drank. He'd given plenty of reasons for abstaining over the years, some significantly more believable than others, but Akihiko has his own hypothesis. And it's got a lot to do with the woman sitting in front of him, munching and staring miserably at her feet.

"Okay," he mutters again, feeling like a looping record. "So… you two were drinking, and… what? Did you… Did you argue?"

Now, Haruka starts looking uncomfortable again, her head turning slightly away so as not to risk eye contact. Her voice is quiet and mumbled, clearly guilty or embarrassed or both. "Not… exactly."

Akihiko takes a deep breath, pushing down his mounting frustration. It won't help right now. Laying a gentle hand on the woman's thigh, he squeezes, prompting her to glance down at the point of contact, then shyly back up into his face. Putting a supportive smile on, he tilts his head a little, trying to properly catch Haruka's eyes under her shielding bangs. "I can't help if you don't talk to me, Haruka-chan. There's always something you can do, but I need to know what's wrong to give input, right?"

Her face screws up in discomfort, eyes squeezing shut for a solid couple of seconds before she lets out a harsh breath, and they reopen, long, dual-colored lashes fluttering as Haruka gazes down at the wood paneling in the floor. A nod, and she stammers, "He— He, um… We finished th-the movie, and… We were talkin' about— He asked me all these stupid questions about how I thought the characters felt, or what the director was tryin'a say, or whatever. Y'know." She throws Akihiko a tired glare, one he understands entirely; he's seen Hayato pull this game on Haruka plenty of times when they do house movie nights, trying to get her more invested in thinking about what she consumes on screen, and though it is often enlightening and very cute to watch her think, it can occasionally feel slightly condescending. Haruka sits back, hands clutching the now empty rice cracker bag against her knees. Her shoulders rise. "Then, um… He—"

She stops again, then bites her lip hard over the rings in it, staring directly ahead as her face visibly heats up, a pinkish crimson settling high up on her cheeks. It takes a moment for her to finish her sentence.

"…He kissed me."

Akihiko freezes.

…He what?

"…Kissed you?" he asks, voice uncontrollably alarmed. Haruka's shoulders twitch higher, her eyes widening a fraction, darting between him and the floor. Trying to pull himself back together and probably failing, Akihiko clears his throat. "Um— Okay, gotcha. That— I'm sure that was pretty startling?"

"It was definitely that!" the woman exclaims, her voice cracking partway through the sentence, and she ducks her head down again. "He— He apologized, and then he kissed me, and— And I didn't know what to do, and I didn't expect it, so I just sat there, like a moron, and then he got up and said he needed air and I couldn't stop him because I didn't know what to do an—"

"Haruka! Haruka, stop." Akihiko places his hands on her forearms, tugging so she'll shift to face him more. "Breathe. Slow down." He gives the woman a look, and she complies, taking a few deep breaths through her nose, shaky and still a bit too fast. After a few moments, Akihiko prompts her further. "Did he… leave, after that?"

Placing a hand partially over her face, Haruka nods miserably. "He won't answer my messages."

Oh.

Oh, Akihiko is going to kill him.

"And that was two days ago?" he asks, and can't keep the growing, seething anger from coming through in his voice. Of fucking course. Hayato is so predictable sometimes that it makes him want to burst out laughing, but right now, amusement is the last thing Akihiko feels. Of course he would pull something like this, do one stupid thing when his impulse control is loose, then burn his whole life down around him instead of have an adult conversation about his feelings. He's such a petty child.

Freshly twenty years old, and he still can't just tell the girl that he's in love with the truth. After they've all been through so much together.

Not like Hayato is the only person that logic applies to, though. And thinking about that makes Akihiko want to start screaming, because word travels fast in this dumb little town, and if anyone else hears—

"Okay, okay. Cool. Fucking—" Dragging his hands down his face, Akihiko stares ahead of him for a long moment, just soaking in the unbelievably stupid information he's just received. "So you two got drunk, Hayato finally made a move, and then he abandoned you for the rest of the weekend. While I wasn't home. Awesome. I can't fucking believe this." There's too much energy building in his body, and Akihiko climbs to his feet, marching around the side of the coffee table. His hand rakes through his hair messily. "Ugh, he's just so stupid."

Haruka is looking up at him in bewilderment, alarm, confusion. She watches Akihiko pace for a moment, grasping her bicep with one hand in a small self-hug, then interrupts when he pauses to pinch the bridge of his nose. "What— Whaddya mean 'finally'?"

Fuck, this conversation does need to happen, huh. This mess of a situation has essentially been half a decade in the making, and though Akihiko probably shouldn't air out everyone's stakes in the proceedings… Hayato is not going to be the only one making moves. Especially when this whole situation inevitably starts getting around. With a sigh, Akihiko scoots back around the table, settling down onto the couch hard. "He should probably have been the one to say this, before he ran away, but… I know he's wanted to do that for a while."

"…How long is a while?" the woman asks, caution plain in her tone.

"Four or five years."

Grey and gold eyes blow wide as saucers. Blood rushes into Haruka's face, and she turns bright red, cheeks and ears and nose and even down her neck. "What!?" she cries, her voice again breaking on the word. "That's— But that's— You're exaggerating, right? You— You have to be messing with me." Her gaze sweeps across Akihiko's face, desperate, searching for a hint of dishonesty or amusement at her gullibility, and finds nothing. "What do you mean!? That's when we met!"

Akihiko doesn't reply, just keeps his gaze steady as they stare at each other. After a few moments, Haruka's face goes slack as the reality of what he's telling her sets in, and she stares past him, expression blank and empty. Processing. Guilt churns in Akihiko's stomach; he didn't exactly play an insignificant part in keeping all of this from her for so long. He just thought… Well.

He kinda thought someone would've gotten their act together and broken the truce by now. But all of their friends are, apparently, cowards.

Heaving another sigh, he digs out his phone. It was pretty weird that neither Haruka or Hayato had answered his texts in the group chat about whether they were all eating dinner together tonight, but maybe Haruka had a shift somewhere today. Maybe Hayato had been out and not looking at his phone, or distracted with household chores. All excuses Akihiko now desperately wishes were the reality of the situation.

"I'll call him." Haruka startles a little when he speaks, blinking rapidly, and he tries to give her a confident look. "If he won't answer me, I'll just— I dunno. If I have to leave a threatening voicemail, I will." He gestures aggressively with the device, and the woman huffs something that's almost a laugh. "I don't want to ask Mitsuki to track his phone, but…"

"That's a little much," she mumbles, and tucks some unruly black locks behind her ear. "…Thanks, Aki. I'm— I'm sorry you have to deal with this after just getting back. You're probably tired."

"Oh, I am," Akihiko assures her, tapping his phone app and swiping to the favorites screen, where Hayato and Haruka's numbers sit right at the top. "But I'm definitely not mad at you. Hayato shoulders all of the damn blame here, don't you worry." Changing his mind, he instead returns to his messenger, typing out a nasty string of characters in his and Hayato's personal chat, primarily just to tell him how much trouble he's in, though he throws in a jab at the man's smoking habit and a request that he not kill himself with it before Akihiko can yell at him. "And it's obviously not the worst of his crimes, but the fact that he did this for your first kiss is almost unforgivable."

The text is fairly long, so it takes another moment for him to finish typing it. During that time, Haruka is silent, and when he finally sends the message and looks up again to meet her gaze, it's… confused. Brows drawn in, nose scrunched just a little, her lips pulled down in a cute little pout. She blinks, then slowly shakes her head. "…That wasn't my first kiss."

For the second time in the past half hour, every thought in Akihiko's brain grinds to a halt.

"Sorry?" he asks, because there's nothing else to ask. A million questions begin flooding his brain at once — When? Where? With whom? How long ago? How far did they go? How the hell did he not know? Did anyone else know? — but nothing more is able to come out of his mouth. The idea that Sakura Haruka has kissed someone on the mouth in the last five years feels somehow insane. Like Akihiko never would have considered it. And that's—

Except. Why would it be so crazy?

The woman's cheeks darken once again, and her gaze averts itself several times as she struggles to elaborate. "I mean— I'm twenty years old, Aki. It's not like I'm a kid or somethin'." It seems to become too much on the whole, and Haruka turns her head fully away, mumbling, "I just didn't expect him to do it. That's… that's all."

Akihiko's brain is reeling. Okay. It is true that she's an adult, and technically has been since she was eighteen, so it's not the wildest thing in the world for the average person to have at the very least kissed someone before their twentieth. Haruka definitely isn't your average twenty-year old, but… Well, he supposes objectively, she does have a lot of options. In fact, Akihiko can already list a pretty significant amount of names of people who absolutely would have agreed to kiss her had she asked, and a smaller but no less fairly impressive list of those who have been actively desiring to do so. She attracts people, makes them act deranged sometimes, but it's not her fault. It's just… how she is. Charming, electric, bull-headed and sincere and loyal and dedicated to protecting the people she loves. She was the head of Bofurin for nearly two full years, after all.

Haruka is amazing. She's beautiful and smart and bursting with love. And she's right. She's an adult, and even before she properly was, she was fully within her right to explore any relationship in the way she wanted.

Damn. Akihiko kinda feels like an asshole.

He's been silently stewing for a few moments too long, and the woman turns her head back shyly, still pink but beginning to look a bit concerned. "…Aki?"

"…Uh—" He startles a little, blinking back into the present, and nearly trips over himself to pull a smile back onto his face. "Yeah! Sorry. You're— You're totally right, I don't know why I—" Taking a deep breath, Akihiko tries to slow down again. Don't want to freak her out when she's been doing really well so far, been very honest with him. It's more than he can say for some people. "That was a dumb assumption on my part. I'm sorry."

The worry fades, though it does give way to an adorable little scrunch of confusion. "Okay…?" Haruka's voice is a mumble, and, though she's clearly unsure why he's even apologizing, she accepts it all the same. "It's fine, I guess. I didn't really ever… y'know. Bring it up. To you guys. So."

Her words are oddly stilted, and the flush in her cheeks has not even begun to cool down; for some odd reason, this gives Akihiko pretty significant pause. Why… Why didn't she tell anyone? Well, okay, he doesn't know that, not for sure, but why didn't she tell him? It's not like he really has that much skin in this particular game, unlike a good number of other people they know, and Haruka's really not that good at keeping secrets (or, at least, that's what he thought), and… Well, he thought Haruka trusted him.

…Maybe that's unfair. How long has it even been since she came out? Five, maybe six months? And she'd definitely been thinking over the topic for much longer. While Akihiko can absolutely think back and recognize signs that his best friend was struggling with her identity, she didn't exactly mention it, and while he's used to reading between the lines with people — especially his two idiot roommates, who would avoid opening their mouths about their own problems under even threat of torture — he's not a mind reader. And then there's the cigarettes, which Haruka'd done a pretty good job of keeping under wraps for a solid three years before finally admitting to the habit. Of course, she, at the same time, declared that she was going to quit, which had been somewhat confusing but, ultimately, relieving.

Then Hayato had to go and ruin it, because within a week or two of that particular house discussion, his own habit of blackening his lungs became abruptly, and abundantly, clear. And he, to this day, seems in no particular hurry to drop it. It's an ongoing argument.

"That's fine!" Akihiko exclaims, probably a bit too loud, a bit too sudden, but he's trying to compensate for the silence. While Haruka does stiffen, she doesn't quite jump, and that, at least, is a relief. "Um— It is, y'know, your business, after all. Who— I mean, obviously you don't have to tell me, but—" But Akihiko is curious by nature, and there is nothing more tempting than information dangling within reach. He peers at his friend with likely too much interest. "…Who… Who was it?"

That's normal right? Yeah, definitely normal to ask a friend who their first kiss was. It's probably less normal that Akihiko is currently running down a list of likely suspects in his head, trying to figure out what name she's gonna say before it's out of her mouth, but they're not exactly the most normal people, anyway.

Haruka immediately looks down at her hands.

"…It, um… Well…"

She doesn't continue.

For a solid ten seconds, they sit there, in silence, as Akihiko waits for her to either answer his question or tell him to fuck off. It becomes increasingly clear as the quiet stretches on that neither is going to happen, and slowly, steadily, an ominous feeling begins rising in Akihiko's chest. She… doesn't want to tell him. Haruka's fingers tangle together in her lap, twisting around each other for comfort, and she remains stubbornly tight-lipped, tension in her shoulders and in her face as she avoids meeting his gaze. She, like, really doesn't want to tell him.

"…Haruka?" Her shoulders twitch upwards. She still refuses to look at him. "Haruka, who… who kissed you?"

After another long moment, she finally speaks again, though in a low mumble. "…I wouldn't… say that he kissed me. Not the first time, anyway. It was kinda…" The sentence trails off, and Haruka lets it hang around them, like a thick haze of smoke, before finishing, slightly haltingly, "It was more of a mutual thing."

Lots of information to unpack, there! "Okay! Well, I'm— I'm glad it was— Y'know, consent is important." Akihiko's rambling. He really doesn't know how to navigate this conversation, at this point. "Um. This— This guy, do I… know him?"

Haruka squints at him, her lips down-turned and pressed together into an uncomfortable pout. One of her hands finally gives into the temptation to stim, lifting to fiddle with one of the loops in her ear, and she hums, groans, more like, under her breath, still clearly hesitant to divulge more details than she already has. Unfortunately, this is doing nothing to assuage Akihiko's steadily rising concern, and as much as he wants to respect his friend's privacy and not push… Well, he can feel where his heart is in his chest, thumping against his ribs. Which means his blood pressure has skyrocketed. And not being told at least something, at this point, will just make him catastrophize about the worst possible scenario, and he's actively suppressing that instinct at this very second. To minimal success.

Finally, the woman breathes in deep, then releases it all in a sharp sigh, turning back to eye Akihiko warily. "…You have to promise," Haruka starts, her tone remarkably more serious than before, "…not to freak out."

Saying the request out loud is really not helping him comply with it, but he nods regardless, pushing down the eagerness that makes his hands want to start shaking. He's not as bad as he was in school — the note-taking had at some point become a compulsion, one so bad he'd have panic attacks if his book and pen weren't on him — but he still itches for something in his hands, sometimes. It's fine, though, he can be normal, and regular, and place his palms flat on his knees and grasp them tight enough his skin pales. Or even find something else for distraction, as Hana reappears to hop up onto the couch cushion at Akihiko's other side, brushing against him as she curls up.

Petting her fuzzy, purring little spine does help decrease his anxiety, just a bit. Which is probably why the cat's even there, smart little bugger.

Regardless, he's only distracted for a moment, and glancing back reveals that Haruka is still peering at him, searching for something in his expression. Probably any indication that his promise is false, that he will indeed freak out. Whether or not she finds it isn't clear, but the woman sighs and props an elbow on her thigh, leaning her chin into it as she speaks. "Y'know how after we graduated, I was, like… kinda really fucked up? And how I spent all that time out of the apartment?"

Akihiko does, in fact, recall this. Hard to forget. With the state of the woman's childhood, the somewhat resultant state of her brain chemistry, and the many traumatic events of their school years, it's really not that surprising that Haruka hadn't expected to live this long. Hell, she basically hadn't expected to make it to eighteen, not really. But the speed with which the floor seemed to just crumble out from underneath her had surprised all three of them. Making it to what was substantially "adulthood" scared her worse than anything they had faced in three years as high-use members of Bofurin, and combined with the abrupt change that was the three of them finding a place together, necessitating getting used to other people in her space again…

Remembering those long months is almost painful, even a year and a half removed. Haruka spent ages either hiding in her room or outdoors, rarely giving them any indication where she was going when she left and returning at bizarre hours. It didn't exactly help that Hayato, too, was rarely anywhere but work or his and Akihiko's room, and took frequent weekend trips into the city to do… who knows what. Akihiko has his suspicions. But at some point things became untenable. When the two of them were home, they basically did nothing but argue, and an intervention from Hajime and others was finally necessary to save Akihiko's mental state from also falling into millions of pieces.

It was a long and stressful conversation, but their friendship survived it. Haruka was at last convinced that the apartment was safe to be in, that neither Hayato or Akihiko was going to yell at her for being around, that she was allowed to actively live in a home she helped pay for. She was gonna have to stop hoarding food, though. Her entire room needed to be cleaned and sanitized when that particular habit had been discovered, born from long periods of time with food insecurity as a constant stressor. It wasn't like Hayato didn't also have bad habits that needed nipping — his eating disorder persists to this day, in one form or another, and Akihiko and Haruka are always watching out for it. His temper can be short fused, and he still occasionally has times he cant keep his nitpicky comments to himself. But, despite everything, they've both grown a lot. They've both healed a lot. It's just… more obvious in Haruka.

Akihiko literally could not be prouder. Especially now that she's broken her shell open and started to bloom so beautifully. She smiles and laughs more often these days, and she's been actually gaining weight, especially now that the pain in her knee has started to get consistent, making her spend a bit less time on her feet.

It's been months since she last hurt herself.

"Did this happen one of the times you were out, then?" Akihiko asks, trying to focus back on the conversation and not get lost in the ache of that time period. It's not an easy mental pivot.

Much to his dismay, Haruka's mouth twists with more discomfort, her eyes staying far from his own as she once again fiddles with her earrings. "I wouldn't say… one of the times?"

"This was a regular thing."

"Not—" The woman groans in frustration, crumpling up the empty cracker bag and tossing it onto the coffee table. She sits back against the sofa, crossing her arms and curling inwards; this definitely isn't a conversation she wants to be having right now. "It wasn't every time, okay? It was, like— I don't know math, it was sometimes. Wasn't even most of the time." Haruka's foot bounces against nothing, knee shaking as she stims. "Usually I just… wandered around. Helped out on main street. But, when I was… feeling kinda lonely…" The admission seems to embarrass her, cheeks flushing a little darker. She carries on regardless. "…Sometimes, I took the train to Endo's."

…The sensation Akihiko feels in his body isn't exactly cold so much as a mild numbness. It takes his brain an embarrassingly long amount of seconds to put the pieces together, during which time he simply stares at his friend, his best friend, his captain, one of his soulmates, with a probably really stupid look on his face. And then, the instant it clicks, his eyes blow open so wide it feels painful.

"Endo!?" he can't help but nearly screech, gripping the front of the couch cushions with both hands. His sudden movement and outburst immediately upset the cat, who leaps to her feet and squints toward them reproachfully before jumping back to the ground. Akihiko has been abandoned.

Instantly, Haruka flushes a deep red, and her shoulders pull upwards defensively. "You said you weren't gonna freak out!"

"I'm not—! I'm not freaking out," Akihiko cuts himself off, bracing his hands in the air and desperately attempting not to make himself into a liar. "This isn't freak— I'm doing a really good job, actually, of not freaking out." Taking a deep breath, he focuses on trying to calm down, on not jumping to his feet or snatching the pillow from the end of the couch and screaming into it. His brain is practically vibrating, the amount of alarm and concern and downright confusion buzzing around inside making him feel slightly nauseous.

Blinking his eyes back open, he recenters his attention on Haruka; she's got him fixed him with one of her nastiest glares, despite the blush steaming off her cheeks, but she hasn't gotten up to flee the conversation. Another long, deep breath, and Akihiko places his hands slowly and deliberately in his lap.

"…Endo?" he asks again. His voice sounds almost fragile with how hard he's trying to stay calm, to not let it crack. "Ya— Yamato? That Endo? Was your first kiss?"

Haruka sighs heavily, rolling her eyes upwards as her face morphs into a dramatically pained expression, as if she were the one girl on Earth to have suffered the most. For having to admit to someone that she kissed Endo Yamato on the mouth. Apparently many times. She cracks open an eye, peering at Akihiko for one miserable moment before closing it again and groaning, "Yes…"

All he can really do is wait. There's nothing intelligent he can even imagine saying right now, not that wouldn't make Haruka angrier at him, so he kind of just has to hope she'll elaborate on her own. It really doesn't help that Akihiko's brain is cooking up all sorts of images, some wildly saucier than others, of what "it was a mutual thing" could actually mean with added context, because if there's anyone Akihiko would expect to be a selfish lover, it's Endo Yamato.

Not that he even wants to think about Endo being someone's lover. Eugh. Scary prospect.

It takes her a minute, but Haruka does eventually reopen her eyes. Her gaze is still wary, but Akihiko's silence seems to have assuaged some of her embarrassment at least a little, and though she squirms in her seat, she does speak back up. "…I just wanted someone who would take me seriously. And he asked. So…"

"And, he… I mean, did he?" Akihiko asks, reaching down to scratch Hana on the head as she brushes past his legs. "Take you seriously, I mean." It's hard to imagine, if he's honest.

Surprisingly, the woman almost seems to relax a bit, her face even scrunching up in mild confusion. "Yeah? Like, say what you want about his personality, but he's at least pretty straightforward. He was always pretty flirty, I guess, even when I didn't really… see it like that, but we were hangin' out, and he asked for a kiss, and…" Haruka shrugs, as if this sort of thing were the most normal experience in the world. "I dunno. Why not?"

There are a hundred different reasons Akihiko could offer as to why not, but he bites his tongue. It's not as if he can change the mind of the Haruka from two years ago. "I… guess that's fair. And he didn't, like, get you into any bad situations? Or hurt you? Or—"

"No, Aki," she retorts, rolling her eyes maybe a bit more dramatically than necessary. "You can stop thinking of him as a sleeping bear any day."

Okay, that does sting. It's not like Akihiko doesn't know that Haruka trusts Endo, despite how little sense it makes to him (and most other people), but it's probably not going to stop being bewildering any time soon. The man nearly killed her when she was fifteen, and almost worse, he nearly convinced her to basically run away with him. Sue Akihiko for having a bit of a grudge on the guy, even years later. Now, he contains nowhere near the depths of Hayato's hatred, but that man has an endless supply of spite buried under his calm demeanor, so it's hard to think of anyone who could match it. Maybe Kyotaro, though his grudge is more centered on… the other one.

The fact of the matter is that Endo is, by all accounts, Haruka's friend. At least, that's what Akihiko thought. The man rarely comes back to Makochi, even now, and for good reason, given that Hayato isn't the only one who'd probably start a fight given the chance, but Haruka's spent a couple years now making semi-regular trips deeper into the city to see him for lunch dates.

Maybe that should be "lunch," actually.

"And, for the record," Haruka interrupts his musings to grumble, eyes narrowed accusingly. "I broke it off a long time ago. We haven't done anything like that in, like, over a year, so there's no need to get weird and protective."

Oh. "Oh!" Akihiko smiles a little sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. "Well, I guess that's… good…?" He hedges his tone, gauging her response. "Or, I'm sorry? Um, I don't…"

The woman shrugs. "It is what it is. We're still friends, and it's not, like, awkward, or anything. I just… didn't wanna fuck him anymore."

Akihiko thinks he does a very good job not flinching at the blunt nature of her words, nor the blatancy of that reveal. It had sure sounded like they did more than kissing, but knowing for sure was not really something Akihiko thinks he needed. Regardless, he just tries to nod steadily, normally. "Gotcha. I'm glad he was… I guess… cool with you stopping things? And he didn't, like, pressure you into staying?"

Haruka's nose wrinkles up in distaste. "No? He asked if I was sure, but, I mean… I dunno. That's not crazy." She picks at some loose thread on the sofa seat between her knees, and the look of misery from before, the hollow ache in her eyes that had so badly scared Akihiko when he'd first gotten home, returns to shadow her face. He hadn't even realized it was gone. It hurts just as much to see now as it did before. "He was pretty reasonable about the whole thing. Unlike some people."

Right. The one-eyed-elephant-shaped hole in the room. This reveal, of Haruka's surprising amount of experience with intimacy and relationships, and of the identity of the person she'd experimented with, was a weirdly welcome reprieve. But there's no more room for distractions, now. Akihiko needs to make good on his promises. "Hayato can't hide forever, okay? I mean— Maybe he just went to the dojo, or something. And, even if we don't find him, like, tomorrow, he'll come home eventually. He always does." The confidence he forces into his voice is fragile, but he tries to believe it.

Unfortunately, Haruka seems less than convinced. She just continues pulling at the threads between her fingers, her gaze again dulling and going somewhere very far away. "Yeah," is all she says — mumbles, really — before again falling silent.

Akihiko hates this. Why the fuck didn't Hayato think, use that stupid brain for once in his life, before running away like the coward he is? Of course Haruka would respond badly to the combination of sudden intimate affection and abandonment. It took her several months of school to get used to people casually hugging her, and the only times she has, to this day, slept next to either of them is when one of them has squeezed into her twin, which is only allowed after one of her really terrible nightmares. And the night after Akihiko left!? Leaving her alone all weekend to have a breakdown has to be up there with some of the crueler things Hayato has done, and that's pretty harrowing company.

Her voice snaps Akihiko's attention back. "Has he… I mean…" His chest aches at the lost expression on Haruka's face, the way she bites her lip apprehensively. Her eyes wander around their living room, the framed photos on the shelves by the door, the coats and scarves and various bags hanging on the rack. The double bookshelves, lined with mystery novels and literary fiction and dense theory in several languages with a sprinkle of YA, alongside a couple of Akihiko's own anime figures and his box of knitting supplies. Several more books, stacked next to the monitor for the desktop that doubles as Akihiko's remote setup and the household gaming pc, and a small cup holding the dregs of Hayato's most recent cup of tea left next to the mouse. Haruka sighs heavily, her eyes lingering, when they return to the coffee table, on Hayato's own work laptop. When she speaks again, her voice is quiet, small. Almost timid. "You said he's… he's wanted to do that for a while. What does that… mean, exactly?"

Ah, shit. "Um… I really shouldn't be the one who…" Haruka's eyes narrow, her face closing up and twisting in on itself, and Akihiko finds the words tumbling off a cliff in his head. It's that face again, the one she makes when she's so close to crying and barely choking it back. He can't let her keep making that face. But what is he supposed to do? Will she even believe him at this point, after the bullshit Hayato's pulled? "You need to hear it from him, okay? There's… too much that needs to be communicated. And I can't actually read his mind." Akihiko tries to chuckle afterwards, but it comes across a bit too stilted. She'll definitely be able to tell how conflicted he is.

Haruka is silent for a minute or so, dual-colored lashes fluttering as she blinks away the tears gathering at her eyelids. Her lips twist together, before she mutters, "Whatever. Can't even read my own, so how am I supposed to guess what he wants? Maybe he was just fucking with me, like usual."

A jolt of panic stabs through Akihiko's gut, and without thinking, his hand snaps out, grasping her wrist as she moves to get up from the couch. Head whipping back, her eyes wide, Haruka looks at him with bewilderment, tugging at his grip and nearly breaking it.

"Wh-wha—"

"He wasn't!" He's speaking without thinking, desperate. As much as this situation is Hayato's fault, undoubtedly, and Haruka's spiraling assumptions could easily have been assuaged if the man had simply stayed put and explained himself, Akihiko would rather relive that very first fight with KEEL than let her think that way. "I— I promise he wasn't messing with you. Hayato meant it." Another part of her words registers after the fact, and Akihiko's face scrunches in concern. "And… whaddya mean you can't read your own?"

For a minute, shock has Haruka frozen in place, lips parted and her hand going slack, but recovery comes quickly. Discomfort overtakes her, and she averts her gaze from Akihiko's face, glaring down at the coffee table beside them, and again at Hayato's laptop, the charging light flickering softly. "I don't— I dunno. You know I'm not good at… figurin' out how I'm feeling."

That's not untrue, necessarily. She's definitely gotten better at unscrambling her own emotions over the years, but this is a pretty fraught situation, and talking things out with the two of them is usually her go-to for things like this. Akihiko supposes it makes sense she'd be confused, especially if… Oh, gods.

Does she even return Hayato's feelings? He just kind of… assumed she would. It's not like he's ever asked. Oh, shit, that sucks.

"Oh. I… Yeah, I guess this would—" Resituating himself on the cushion, Akihiko tugs at Haruka's arm, though not too hard. "Sit back down, we're not done. You're gonna tell me what's going on in your head."

Immediately, her face twists up with distress. A small groan warbles in her throat, almost a growl, and she tugs on her arm again; it's comically weak, this time. "Don't make me do that," Haruka whines, stamping a bare foot childishly against their wood floor. "I'm tired, Aki, I don't wanna think about this anymore, I already— I told you about Endo, can I—"

"Nope!" Akihiko interrupts. He pulls harder, and the woman goes limp, falling back into the sofa cushions with a rapidly crimsoning face, her hands flying up to cover it. The rice cracker bag falls to the floor at her feet, once again forgotten. "Hayato is so much more pressing than… whatever you were doing with that man." It's still unclear to him whether she and Endo were dating in any capacity or whether it was just… sex, but if Akihiko wants any information about their current situation out of her, the topic has to pivot.

Haruka is clearly wary to let that happen, but she also doesn't seem that keen on running away. It's possible, and Akihiko does suspect, that she really does want to talk her feelings out; it's just that doing so is still mortifying, to an extent. And he gets it. Even what's been discussed so far is a lot, for her. Haruka is naturally a fairly private person, often not even considering that she could talk about intimate details of her life with others, and to this day, she dislikes talking much about her childhood, especially in any sort of detail. That's for good reason, of course. Akihiko has also suspected for a long time that there are horrors from those years far worse than what she's ever openly communicated. It makes his stomach turn to think about.

But that's not important, right now. "Haruka, I want you to be honest with me. What… scared you the most about this whole thing?" Good a place as any to start. "If it wasn't being kissed, was it that Hayato was kissing you, or that he left afterwards?"

Her hands remain over her face, so Haruka's response is somewhat muffled. "Wasn't scared, I just… didn't expect it."

"So… you're not upset that he kissed you?"

Now, her fingers fan out, coal and gold eyes glaring at Akihiko from between them. He tries to smile encouragingly. After a long beat of silence, Haruka looks away again, her hands falling to her lap, and she clearly chews on her lip before answering. "…I guess not really, no. I dunno. He…" She laces her fingers together tightly, her brow tightening inwards and her tongue clearly messing with the backs of her lip rings. Her voice audibly shrinks. "He did it real slow, like— like he was waitin' for me to stop 'im."

Dear fucking gods. Of course he did. A small, fresh flush of anger fills Akihiko's cheeks, and he clenches his teeth to hold back from rolling his eyes and groaning aloud. If even Haruka could tell he was restraining himself, then Hayato was being incredibly deliberate. Which means it wasn't just a drunken kiss with no thought behind it. Clearly, something wicked must have taken hold of the man, for him to be possessed of the idea to not just stir the pot, but entirely turn it on its side at the beginning of one of the busiest months of the year for their extended friend group. But they need to stay on topic. "And I'm guessing you… didn't stop him, then."

Cheeks still flushed a deep scarlet, Haruka shakes her head. "I was drunk, I didn't… really know how to respond. 'S why I couldn't stop him leavin' either, my body just wouldn't respond right." She thunks the side of her foot against one of the low table's legs, her brow pinching together in an almost pained expression. "Couldn't even speak. At least I shoulda yelled at him, even if…"

Even if it didn't change anything. Akihiko reaches over and takes both her hands in his own, squeezing them tightly. "Do not blame yourself. It makes total sense you'd freeze up, especially when it was so sudden. And he must've moved so quick to leave, and, like, if you didn't really know how to feel about it…"

Haruka's beautiful eyes, large and shimmering with unshed tears, flick between his own a few times before she blinks, her gaze falling away again. Her lips turn down in that same miserable pout as before, though at least her palms slip properly into Akihiko's grasp. "I just don't… If he wasn't, y'know, messin' around, then…" Expression hardening, Haruka once again glares at the floor as if the wood itself were the source of her anguish. "Why'd he leave?"

"I think he's just scared." Akihiko brushes his thumbs against the backs of his friend's hands, mentally weighing the pros and cons of saying any more. "…Like I said, he's… wanted to do something like that for a long time. And there are a lot of reasons he's held himself back, but top of the list is definitely that Hayato is, fundamentally, kind of a coward." He chuckles weakly, and although it's small, Haruka gives her own tiny huff of laughter in response. It bolsters Akihiko to continue. "Especially when it comes to his own feelings and wants, we both know this. Running away at the first signs of emotional vulnerability is a very Hayato move."

"I guess so," Haruka mumbles. She tugs one of her hands back, but only to wipe the side of it against her eyes. "He's so stupid. I didn't even… like, not like it, it just—" Swallowing hard, her cheeks flush anew, and she shifts, pulling her legs up onto the couch and folding them beneath her. "I just had no idea he was gonna do that! He's never— I mean, I've never…"

"…Considered that he could have feelings for you?" Akihiko guesses at the end to that sentence, and the woman nods glumly. Well, that at least confirms that she reciprocates something. The extent of the emotions involved can be for a later discussion. "That's honestly not that surprising. He's not even been the most transparent of the bunch up to now, so if you didn't catch those…"

It takes approximately three seconds too many for Akihiko to realize his misstep. He can feel his eyes go wide, too wide to be anything but guilty, but it doesn't really matter how obvious he looks; Haruka's own eyes could be the size of tea saucers. She definitely caught that. Her lips part, though no sound comes out at first, emotions flying past on her face before it settles into an almost painfully lost expression, something slightly manic at the edges. The woman's voice cracks when she finally speaks. "…Of the what?"

Fuuuuuck. Now it's Akihiko's turn to screw up his face in regret, bracing against the cool wave of dread passing through his jaw. He really didn't want to be the one to have to give her this explanation. Hayato should have. Someone should have. A long time ago. "Is there any way you could forget I said that?"

"No!?" Haruka nearly screeches, her hands now vices around Akihiko's own. "The bunch!? What does that mean!? What have I not been catching!?"

"Haruka—"

"Stop brushin' me off!" Her voice strengthens, frustration clear in the tones of it, and her jaw tightens when her teeth clench. "I'm not a fuckin' kid, Akihiko. What have I been missing? What have people been so scared to say with their fucking words?" Akihiko desperately attempts to will his pulse down to a normal rate; it's not her fault her volume is rising, and he's the one who's prodded so much, anyway. Doesn't stop the automatic response, his brain screaming at him to do anything he can to please her. He swallows hard, choking down the instinct. "This is why I went to Endo, y'know? Because I knew he'd just tell me shit. At least he's willing to stop messin' around when I ask him to."

That's why? But that means… Okay, yeah, Akihiko can admit that a lot of them have tended, in the past, to treat Haruka with kid gloves around certain things. She wasn't the most emotionally stable for a long time. It took her ages to accept that her friends actually relied on her, let alone that they wanted her around. But she is an adult now, and… Akihiko had kinda thought they'd all stopped treating her like she's fragile. And yet, here he is.

Again, though, that means she's felt it, and since they graduated at the latest. He didn't think… Fuck, he's been babying her so much more than he thought. Shame warms the skin of Akihiko's face.

"…I'm sorry, you're right. You deserve to know." Frustrated tears swim in Haruka's eyes, and she attempts to rapidly blink them away, though only succeeds in sending a trail down one cheek. As she wipes at it with sharp, jerky movements, Akihiko smiles apologetically. He squeezes the remaining hand in his hold. "I think a lot of us just didn't wanna make your life complicated. But you should get to decide how complicated you want things to be, shouldn't you?"

"I should hope I'd get to be the one makin' decisions about my life," the woman grumbles miserably, sniffling and wiping again at her cheek. "Now, spill. Who's 'us'? What've you all been talkin' about behind my back, and what does it have to do with—" Stopping for just a moment, a realization comes to her, and her glare returns, and this one is not even a smidgen bashful. "Don't tell me there was a bet."

"No!" It's practically a yelp, Akihiko's hand impulsively squeezing again, harder. "No, I promise, no betting. Not that I know of. It was—" Swallowing again, he pauses just long enough to send up a brief prayer to the heavens, for anyone who will listen, that none of the pool traces this back to him, lest they get any ideas to confront him about it. There are some people on that list he really doesn't want to get on the bad side of. "…There is… a group of people, people we both know — and I don't know the extent of it, or if there are people who should be included that I just don't know about, this is just my knowledge of the situation — who… to one degree or another, um…" Haruka's glare is icy. Get to the point, Aki. "…They all have feelings for you. Pretty strong ones. And there's kind of been a truce in place for the past few years, where if no one makes a move, no one else will either. First one falls, they all do… kinda… situation."

Oh, that was way too many words. The rambling has to stop, he really should not be this nervous.

When he shuts his trap, a thick silence falls around the living room. The only sounds are the fridge running and the clicking of claws on wood as one of the cats wanders around, the latter being replaced by the wet sips of a sandpaper tongue in the water bowl. Haruka stares, her face almost emotionless as she processes the new information, and, slowly, her brow draws in tight. She blinks, glances away. Gears turn haltingly in her head.

"…What?" is all she finally says.

Akihiko blinks back. "…Whaddya mean, 'what'?"

Frustration again pinches Haruka's face, and she scoffs under her breath. "I don't— That doesn't make any sense. What are you talking about?"

Beginning to feel a bit lost in the conversation, Akihiko clears his throat, casting his gaze about the room as if the walls could reveal a clue of some kind. "Um… It's pretty— I'm not sure wh— What part of the thing I said doesn't make sense?" Haruka groans, and he rushes to offer direction. "Is it about the truce thing? Because I don't actually know a ton of the details, only that it existed. No one ever actually talked about it, really— Not out loud? So it—"

"No, Aki, what do you mean by 'they all have feelings for you'?" the woman interrupts again.

He stops. Blinks at her. Squints. "…That was the most straightforward part of the thing I just said. It cannot be that confusing."

The familiar flush of embarrassment and frustration again lights Haruka's cheeks, and her eyes blow wide, glaring as she blinks away the stray tears left from before. "Okay, well, I'm confused, anyway! Explain what you mean by that!"

Lifting his free hand, Akihiko motions for calm. "Okay! Okay, I'll—" With a heavy sigh, he once again squeezes her hand, preparatory comfort for the seemingly world-shaking information he is about to impart. "When someone has 'feelings' for another person, the implication behind it is that those feelings are romantic in nature. Do you understand that concept, at least?" The flush spreads further through her face, up into her ears as the glare fades. A shell shocked look takes over in its absence, her lips parting and her shoulders tensing upwards, and an urge Akihiko doesn't usually experience wells up in his head. But, well… someone isn't here. So, he'll have to take over teasing duties in his stead. "That means they all kinda wanna kiss you, Haruka."

Her head practically shoots steam from the top. Akihiko can only imagine how warm her skin would be if he placed his palms on her cheeks. "I—! They d—!? That's crazy!" Again, Haruka's voice rises in volume, but this time, at least, Akihiko is certain it's involuntary. "Why would they want to do that!?"

"Be… Because they…" Maybe this was a bad idea. For probably the third or fourth time in the past hour, he curses Hayato for his idiocy, for abandoning this situation and leaving it in Akihiko's unsteady hands. It's not like he's literally ever experienced that desire himself. He wracks his brain, trying to recall the contents of several conversations he's had over the last… five years. Insanity. "Because you're beautiful and charming? And unbelievably magnetic? It's hard not to be drawn to you."

"But, that doesn't—!" Tearing her hand out of his grip, she fists them in her sweats, curling back as if physically repulsed by even the idea that someone could be attracted to her. But, if she had… whatever she had with Endo, for as long as they seem to have had it… "Is that just what people want when they feel that way!? Do you want to kiss me!?"

"No! Oh, absolutely not!" Akihiko waves a hand in front of his face, trying to maintain his smile and not make Haruka anymore freaked out than she already was. It occurs to him immediately after, as her shoulders flinch up, as her lips press together tight, that he may have over corrected, and can't stop himself from continuing to do so, mouth moving a mile a minute. "Not that the idea is, like—! I think it's totally cool for people to want to! You deserve it! A lot of people want to, and that's great, I just don't— I love you a lot, don't get me wrong, and you're one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose you, I jummph—!"

"Aki! Stop!" Haruka's hands fly up, one grasping the front of his shirt and the other clapping over his mouth. For a few seconds, she simply huffs out several heavy breaths, staring at him with wild, flustered eyes, her cheeks deeply flushed, her shoulders shaking. Finally, she releases a sigh, dropping her hands again when it's clear Akihiko isn't going to continue rambling. "Please, slow down."

"…Sorry," he mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. Yeah, that was sort of bound to freak her out. He really is bad at this. "Um. Anyway. Yeah, I don't… I'm not one of them. Promise. Doesn't mean you're not important to me! But… Yeah."

Akihiko looks down into the crevice of the sofa as an awkward silence falls. He can see Haruka's fingers twisting together in her lap in his periphery, one of her thumbnails picking at a chip in a nail on the other hand. When he reaches out, on instinct, to take her hands and stop the bad habit, she twitches, freezes; then, she relaxes again, slumping forward slightly, her shoulders falling into the familiar hunch she's had for years. "Okay," she mumbles, squeezing his hands back. "Um… Who else…?"

"I really shouldn't say," Akihiko cuts in, smiling apologetically as Haruka's head drops in resignation. "I mean, what are you gonna do if I do tell you? Confront them?"

Still red as she's ever been, the woman groans, leaning forward to bury her face against Akihiko's forearms, practically falling into his lap. "I don't know…" Her voice cracks, back to the miserable tone from before. If she starts crying again, Akihiko doesn't know what he's gonna do. "What am I even s'posed to do? Nobody told me— What're the rules?"

"I don't—" Sighing, Akihiko turns his hands out of Haruka's grasp, tugging her in to sprawl across the couch with her head in his lap. She goes willingly, tucking her hands in close to her chest for comfort. "I don't know either," Akihiko confesses, running his fingers through her hair. Predictably, her eyes shut, face turning further into his leg and tilting to give better coverage. It's both adorable and deeply distressing; Haruka only lets herself be doted on like this when her brain is really scrambled up. "This is why I didn't wanna bring it up, but… I guess there's no putting the subject back in the bag, huh?" No reply seems forthcoming, so Akihiko simply continues petting her, eventually musing, "Hayato is so damn stupid," under his breath.

"…Mhmm." It's a quiet hum, shaky and choked. Haruka's body tenses a bit, her spine curling, fingers twisting back and forth in the fabric of her hoodie. "Is it stupid that I still want him to come back?"

"No." Shaking his head, Akihiko picks at the seam in her hair colors, sloppily weaving them into a little pattern down the back of her head. "I do, too. I don't wanna lose him either, I just… want him to come home and explain himself." A bitter sensation, tight and acidic, rises in Akihiko's throat, and his eyes narrow. He doesn't bother hiding the expression; Haruka isn't looking, and he really is exhausted. His feet hurt. His head hurts. His chest hurts. "Feels kinda like that's all I've ever wanted him to do."

Haruka is silent.

How long they sit there is hard to tell. Akihiko's head is so hot and messy that he can't really make sense of any of his thoughts, let alone figure out a clear path forward. The first step is the phone call, of course, but beyond that… It's just a thick fog. What is he supposed to do if Hayato doesn't respond? He'll go to Bankoku-gai, he is willing to track this man down with the many resources available to him, and Hayato ought to know that, but… It never stops feeling like an overstep. Nothing could probably keep him from acting, but Akihiko's gonna have this pit in his stomach for the next week at least, regardless of how this shakes out.

Maybe it's selfish. To know how objectively cruel Hayato's behavior has been, several times over the years, and not step away. Not set down any truly impactful ultimatums or demands for change. Akihiko could simply not go after him, could let the man blow up his life with all the casualties that come from it, ruin everything and hurt the people around him, for the hundredth time, and when he inevitably comes crawling back, refuse forgiveness. Move out, Akihiko could say. You clearly can't stop hurting us— Can't stop hurting her. Find someone else to pick up your jagged pieces.

Just thinking the words makes Akihiko nauseous. He'll never say them. Despite everything, despite all the aches and rejections, he loves Hayato. Loves the frightened child at the back of his mind, desperate to be wanted, to be needed. Loves the barbed wire around the man's heart, no matter how deeply it pierces his fingers when Akihiko reaches out to cradle him close.

Akihiko hasn't exactly had a choice when it comes to being self aware. He knows without a shred of doubt that, for Haruka and Hayato, he would tumble into the depths of the underworld. If self mutilation were a necessity to keep them safe, he wouldn't hesitate for a moment.

…He's not gonna think too hard about that one.

On the table, Akihiko's phone begins buzzing, and both of their heads shoot up at the sound. The screen only displays his alarm notification, however, signaling the arrival of seven thirty and a reminder for Akihiko to take his meds (and to check that Haruka has done the same). Simultaneously, they breathe out dual sighs of disappointment, and Haruka's head drops back into Akihiko's lap as she lets out a low groan, almost a whine. Her feet kick against the cushion petulantly.

"I know," Akihiko mumbles, smoothing her hair back. "C'mon, help me clean up a little more if your knee's feeling up to it. And maybe go brush your teeth? Have you been doing that?" She hesitates for a long moment, face down in his leg, before slowly shaking her head, shoulders hiking upwards in shame. "Thought so. Up we go!"

Eventually, he pushes both of them to their feet. Haruka trundles exhaustedly off towards the bathroom, where Akihiko hears the faucet running as he resumes the tidying that he started earlier on while she was changing. All the empty food containers are tossed, and he properly cleans out the beer cans; they're all clearly at least a day old, which is a little gross, but still proof Haruka hasn't been drinking constantly. That's a relief. There are some new stains on the carpet, and some new scratches on the side of the sofa, but if she wasn't feeding the cats consistently, those're no surprise.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Hana weaves around Akihiko's feet as he turns the last couple of cans over in the dish rack, squeaking in her tiny scratchy voice. He bends down to pet her properly, no longer distracted by the state of the apartment or his roommate. Little brown paws grab at his hand as she rubs her muzzle across his fingers; her teeth nip at his skin, a bit harder than she should, but Akihiko forgives her. She's still a baby, after all.

Movement in the corner of his eye makes him blink, as Raicho settles down in a loaf right by the side of the sofa. A healthy distance away, and round a corner where she can hide if necessary. Always a suspicious one. Haruka liked her for that, saw herself in the shirking behavior, but ultimately it was Hayato that the cream calico warmed up to over several months. When he and Akihiko finally stopped fighting over his insistence on taking the futon and barely ever actually switching who took the bed like they said they would, ditching the whole setup in favor of a cheaper, more spacious queen — which had the added benefit of not necessitating squeezing together when night terrors struck — Raicho was cranky as hell. She gave Akihiko the stink eye around corners for at least a month, and would jump on the bed in the night seemingly just to pad around, reaffirm that yes, Akihiko and Hana were both there, and then leave in disgust.

In retrospect, it's not altogether that surprising she fell in love with Hayato. He, too, is bright and graceful and soft on the surface, but behind the fluffy exterior there's a petty, prickly little bastard who'd sooner bite than let you near his stomach.

Before Akihiko can let his thoughts spiral again about how angry he is, Haruka returns, the sound of her feet against the carpet enough to make Raicho dart away, presumably under the coffee table. Hana meows at her from the floor, and Akihiko picks himself up as the woman leans against the doorway to the kitchen. "Is it—" she starts, then bites her lip. For a few moments, she reconsiders, before trying, "I… I know what Hayato did was, like, really awful… Probably. Right? Like… Not comin' back was…" Haruka blinks, likely trying not to tear up again. "So is there, like, somethin' wrong with me if I want him to kiss me again? Am I not allowed to want that?"

Akihiko opens his mouth, but nothing comes out as he absorbs the sentence. Something… wrong? Why would— Not allowed? It didn't sound like sarcasm, which Haruka doesn't use much, anyway, so that was a genuine question— When his voice finally catches up with him, the first thing out of his mouth is, "You're allowed to do whatever you want, forever."

The shame and embarrassment staining Haruka's cheeks only deepens, with some genuine anger creeping into her tight brow. "Shuddup, 'm not— I know there're rules n' stuff, I'm not dumb, I just—"

"That wasn't a joke!" Holding out his hands placatingly, Akihiko smiles, trying for comforting and probably just hitting nervous. "I— Sorry, that was— Of course, you're allowed. I mean, yeah, what he did sucked, but—" Folding his arms and shrugging, he finishes in an awkward mumble. "You can wanna kiss him. I kinda figured you would. No one could stop you if they wanted."

Eyes narrowing, the anger subsides, but there's still a healthy suspicion in Haruka's expression. "Whaddya mean you figured I would?"

"…Haven't you wanted to for a while?"

"N-No!?" the woman sputters, now folding her own arms defensively, and Akihiko can envision her hair puffing up like an angry cat. "I mean— I didn't think so, I haven't— I don't know, okay!?" A fresh layer of misery coats her expression, and again, her shoulders fall. "I don't know how this shit works, it— I've never had feelings for someone before! Or— I didn't know I was— Ugh!" In frustration, she lashes out with a foot as if kicking an invisible can down a street, thumping her toes against the vinyl flooring like a charging bull. "I've been realizing a lot of things, okay?"

"Okay! Okay." Akihiko moves towards her, placing careful hands on her arms. When she doesn't flinch away, he pulls them apart, loosening her elbows from their locked position and taking her hands in his own once more. "Realizing things is good, yeah? More information means more to work with going forward, right?" Releasing a frustrated sigh through her nose, she nods, though begrudgingly. "So, him kissing you made you realize you wanted him to?"

"…I guess, yeah," Haruka mutters, staring at the floor as she taps her foot again. "I was looking at stuff on the internet, too, and—"

She cuts herself off, but the red in her cheeks says plenty. "That's— Just be careful, and don't trust everything you read, yeah?" Again feeling a little awkward, Akihiko tries to maneuver the conversation back into safer feeling territory. "I'm sure when he comes back and apologizes, you can talk about it and decide whether you wanna move forward on something serious."

"S-serious? What kinda—" Glancing away as her face pinches with frustration, even more flush spreading through her face like wildfire, and almost under her breath, Haruka mumbles, "Serious, how?"

"Like—" Akihiko cringes, his own face screwing up as if in reaction to Haruka's expression. Ugh, she knows what he means, she's just being obstinate. If he wasn't equally as stubborn, they'd never have stayed friends this long, so he breathes heavily out through his lips and fixes her with a grim pout, even if his own cheeks are warm. "Y'know, dating. 'Getting serious', as they say. Entering a committed relationship. Planning your lives together— Many a euphemism!" His mouth gets a little ahead of him, and he follows that up with, "If you end up going all the way to changing your gender marker, maybe you could even get married!"

It's really not very fair of him, at all. Hayato's already betrayed her; Akihiko shouldn't add to that pile of neuroses, when she's so vulnerable right now. But the idea comes to him so quickly, the vague, blurry image of the two of them together, married — maybe even with kids — and an odd sort of nausea rolls through his throat like a snake. The reaction is almost instinctual, something beyond his control.

Haruka, of course, takes it about as well as she could. "Married!?" It's practically a shriek, her voice goes so high, and Akihiko actually winces at the sound of the cracking. Her entire body, again, locks up, hands yanking out of his grasp, and she even lightly bends her knees, clearly shifting to the balls of her feet. In fight mode. Been a while since he's seen her embarrassed enough for that to happen. "W-w-w-what are you t-talkin' about!? I could— We're— You think we're…" Akihiko can see her shutting down, her eyes widening, her voice fading into a low murmur. Her hands curl into fists close to her chest; defensive walls going up.

Shit. Guilt immediately floods through Akihiko's head, ice cold behind his teeth. "Haruka— No, it's okay, I—" He aborts a reach for her arms again — touching her may not be smart. Instead, he steps back, giving her nearly a full meter of space in their (admittedly small) kitchen. "I'm sorry, you don't— I don't even know if that's on the table. If Hayato would even want that, if— I don't actually know what he's thinking!" The guilt crystallizes in Akihiko's chest, weighing it down, and he can feel his hands starting to shake. Haruka's clearly on the verge of panic, so bad it reminds him of his own infrequent attacks, and it happened so fast. In response to something he said in a moment of stupid insecurity.

She shakes her head vigorously, stepping back and nearly tripping on the ends of her own slightly oversized sweats. Akihiko's heart skips when she stumbles, and even though she catches herself and leans back against the sofa, hands braced tightly against the top, his pulse races faster and faster as she gulps air. "Not— Not Haya—" Again, she shakes her head, catlike, so rapidly Akihiko's worried her brain might rattle inside. "I am not getting married!"

"That's… fine, Haruka." He's struggling to keep his voice level, to lock away his own instinctive fear and focus on making sure she calms down, doesn't have a full meltdown and go unresponsive. It's not easy. He's shaking. "You don't have to. No one has to get married. Least of all you— You don't have to do anything you don't want to." And he means that, he really does. If there is one thing Akihiko wants in this world, beyond hoping his own place in it could mean something, it's that Haruka's bodily autonomy be recognized above all else.

She spent far too much time denied, controlled, her only opportunities gained through violence. No authoritative power could ever force her to be someone she isn't ever again. Partially because the sheer energy of her is too strong to ever properly contain, but also because half the town of Makochi would go to war with anyone who tried, and those aren't dice many people in the know want to roll.

His words seem to have some effect, thankfully, the woman's eyes closing tight and her lungs rattling when she takes a deep breath in. The returning breath out is stuttered. "S-sorry," Haruka chokes, her hands going up to rub at her face. When all her weight leans back on the sofa, the furniture moves, scratching painfully a few centimeters across the wood floor. "Oh, fuck—"

"Haruka! Haruka—" Now, Akihiko moves quickly forward out into the foyer, cautiously reaching for her. "Take my hands; lets get you to the floor, okay? Floor is safe, can't fall off the floor."

Thankfully, she follows his advice with no argument. Down they go, back to a seated position, Haruka's shoulders shivering as she tries desperately to even out her breathing. Akihiko truly doesn't feel that much more stable, his pulse thumping in his wrists right beside the woman's own likely racing veins, but his protectiveness over her wins out above a triggered self preservation instinct. He's sure his blood pressure's gonna be way too high again next time he's at the doctor, though.

Another few minutes go by, as Haruka doesn't speak, as her eyes close and her breathing slowly calms. Akihiko doesn't interrupt. A car honks loudly down on the road outside, and the woman he's holding flinches, but doesn't jump. Hana patters over, sniffs at Haruka's knee, and bumps it with the top of her head.

The woman's eyes flutter open, lashes delicately kissing her skin at the far corners. She watches the little chocolate-colored cat brush along her thigh, tail flicking against her sweats, then sighs heavily again, squeezing Akihiko's hands. "…Sorry."

"Don't," he replies, stern but soft. "It's my fault; I didn't mean to freak you out so bad."

"I… didn't really expect it to," Haruka mumbles. She doesn't sound quite as upset as before, mostly just frustrated and mildly confused. "Do you…" Her face screws up, as if pushing through the bitter dregs of a cup of herbal tea, trying to ignore how it stings on her tongue. "Do you think I'll want to…? I mean, I don't wanna change my marker now, but I also didn't know I wanted to be a girl until, like, six months ago, so…"

"I don't know." With a shrug, Akihiko releases her hands to fall into her lap, snatching Hana up from the floor as she stalks around his side. The cat squawks indignantly, but instantly settles down when he starts scratching behind her ears. Easy. "Those are decisions you're gonna have to make when you get to them. I don't think you should be stressing yourself out about it right this moment, though." Tilting his head, he smiles, hoping it's as comforting as he wants it to be. "Maybe sometime this week we can talk about the gender marker thing, make a pros and cons list. Would you want me to help you with that?"

Slowly, Haruka nods, reaching up to rub at her eye, clear the tears. She winces, then rubs more at it, drawing the back of her finger under her lashes — one probably got in her eye again. Blinking rapidly, then closing both eyes tight, she groans quietly in the back of her throat, a low warbling thing, before placing her gaze back on Akihiko. Before she can even begin forming a sentence, a yawn so wide Akihiko swears he can see every tooth takes over Haruka's mouth, and even she looks surprised when it comes to a close. "Oh. Ow."

"Ow?" Akihiko mimics, through half a laugh. "Those aren't usually supposed to hurt. C'mon, why don't I make you somethin' a little more filling real quick, and then you can go to bed?"

The promise of food is convincing enough that Haruka fully calms down. It doesn't take long for Akihiko to boil up some udon for her, and the bowl is empty within probably five minutes; he and Hayato have been trying to coax her into eating slower over the years, and she has gotten better, but right now, Akihiko forgives her falling into old habits. He happily cleans up afterwards, refusing her help despite how it makes her pout. Haruka's had a rough enough weekend, and as much as Akihiko, too, usually enjoys their Dishes Time, his head's still kind of a chaotic mess. If they try to talk more, he's worried they'll just freak each other out, again. So, Haruka trundles off to her room.

After weaving around Akihiko's feet for a few minutes and getting little attention for it, Hana returns to the sofa, hopping up on the back and curling up to snooze. He snorts at the stink eye the cat sends him, but diligently attends to his cleaning, the ritual of the repetitive movements steadily calming his brain back down to a much lower level of anxiety. It's not nothing, his thoughts still swirling slowly and dripping a sort of sludge of discomfort down his spine, but at least he's calmer now. Little victories.

He really doesn't know how to feel, at this point. Still angry, yes, and tired. But… Everything with Hayato has always been a production, and it's not like Akihiko isn't fully aware of that. Hell, it's actually something he often likes about the man. Irritating or not, Hayato is one of the funniest people Akihiko knows, and also one of the most caring, someone who can feel so much emotion inside them that it probably feels like he's dying. It's why he's so locked down, why he leans on his training of immense self-control, why he pulls away. Feeling that much sucks. Akihiko understands that better than most people, his brain just protects him from it by making him fucking anxious about everything, all of the time. Hard to connect emotionally with someone if you're too busy scaring yourself over nothing. It's not a healthier method of handling the overload, of course, and it causes him plenty of problems trying to maneuver through life. Even still, though, he's honestly pretty lucky — despite the darkness of his school years, Akihiko's been offered a remarkably good hand.

At the very least, it's been good compared to the two of them. The experiences Haruka and Hayato endured as literal children have permanently scarred them, in ways that make Akihiko's chest ache from how little power he has to fix anything. One of his few regrets in life is how few chances he's had to give any of the adults who've harmed them a good punch in the face.

So, he gets it. He understands Suo Hayato, he understands Suo Sun Fei, in a way most people in his life don't. Has seen so many, many sides of the man over the years, has had the rarest of opportunities to peer under his skin, under his masks, rip up the paper and find the shivering, lonely child curled up underneath. And Akihiko loves that child, wants to hold him close and make him feel wanted. Loved without strings. Without needing to be useful.

Sighing heavily, Akihiko shuts off the sink, drying his hands with a dish towel before turning off the kitchen light. He'll make that phone call real quick, see if he gets any kind of answer. His hopes aren't high. Hayato will probably see his name on the screen and immediately know that he knows everything, even if he hasn't yet seen the text sent earlier. It's not like what time Akihiko was getting back wasn't common knowledge, and he'd messaged the group chat when he got on the damn train. Only Haruka reacted to it, and only with a thumbs up emote. But that hadn't been too strange. She hates mobile keyboards.

Once again, Hana squeaks at him as Akihiko approaches the couch. Drawing his fingers across her head, he picks his phone back up from the coffee table, flicking over to his messaging app. Scanning the aforementioned text, he winces; it was… maybe a little harsh, more than necessary. The man has treated Haruka like shit, and shame can be a potent motivator in the right circumstances, but Akihiko knows him far too well to willfully ignore that the man is definitely already punishing himself plenty.

That's probably all he's been doing this weekend, in fact. Chain smoking, ignoring his body as it begs him for food, and stewing in his own useless guilt. Akihiko isn't going to make things better by yelling.

Hayato responds to stern, stubborn sincerity. And, most often, to pleas regarding Haruka's peace of mind.

» [Haruka and I miss you. Just come home and talk to us.]