Work Text:
For a moment, though only for a moment, there was darkness. Noelle waded her way through both it and her grogginess, rubbing one of her eyes and blindly reaching around the walls of her room for the light switch by the door. She knew she probably shouldn't be doing this, gosh, it was probably the middle of the night, but she just couldn't get herself to fall asleep.
She clicks on the switch and makes her way to her desk, pulling out the bottom drawer for a less than professional notebook she uses only from time to time. She spread it out atop her desk from the page she last wrote and dismissed her words on the left, staring at the new, snow-white paper and reaching for a pencil, only looking away when she missed.
The lead brushed the snow, and Noelle realized she forgot the date.
…She could add it later. She scribbled a quick "Thursday" and dragged the pencil over to the next line, and more intently now, she wrote what was on her mind.
Thursday
Lately, I think I've been wanting to have nightmares. That sounds so weird, I know, but… I miss when I stayed up and watched horror movies with Dess. Funnily enough, they never gave me any bad dreams. Sometimes I would rewatch them alone very quietly just in case they would give me any. I figured to, like, force myself to look even if I felt like turning it off, but in the end, I didn't end up feeling that way at all. I almost had the urge to try again just now, but I figured it wouldn't work, lol. So I guess I'm writing out loud here.
She almost wanted to chuckle at herself as she wrote.
I really feel like some part of me wanted a nightmare back then, too. Some dream that feels so real for hours and hours but once I wake up, I get to know that it wasn't real… But the point is the rush from being scared, you know? I want that. And, I know dreams can sorta alter your memories and opinions too, so, like, even if I'm scared of something ridiculous… I still wanna feel scared by it. I don't know, is that weird? Well, I guess I don't really care if I'm being weird, XD
…
But, you know, I also had… This… Really weird dream, just now. A dream where… Kris and I just… Hung out again. And, it, like? Spiraled? I guess it was just because they were acting kinda weird today (yesterday??? lol), like, visiting dad and all. But that's not it either, because… Let's call them dream Kris. Dream Kris… They were… So familiarly unfamiliar. It was more so unsettling instead of scary, X)
…
…
Then again, that's… Kind of something I want, too? Don't get me wrong, I don't like, mean Kris acting so weird!! Just... Getting to spend time with them again, I guess. Wait, this doesn't really connect with all that nightmare talk anymore, does it? XP But, I guess it was so vivid that it reminded me of how much I wanted such a vivid nightmare? It just felt so real, lol. It's just… Not the kind of nightmare I want.
…Wait, did I call it a nightmare?
It was like they were just, joining my daily life. Like how we were together so often as kids, but more… Gosh, can I come up with any word that isn't just "weird"???? XD
I guess… I just want to feel something terrifying, but… Know I have complete control over it? The more I think, the crazier I sound, XP. Like, maybe a dream where Susie laughs at my reading in front of the whole class and threatens to eat up my workbook or something. Ummmm well, whatever I want I think I just needed that off my mind?
Noelle sighed and yawned, flipping to the next page and covering the chock-full paper with the snow again as if to write more, but she figured to sleep off her wants instead. She opened the drawer again and put the notebook
Friday
I can't sleep. Is that… What I wanted?
Noelle reread her last passages well into Sunday and her laugh made the snowflakes hanging from her ceiling shiver.
All she could think of was that, no matter what they tell her,
Noelle will never get her nightmare.