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Pete is not the most modest person ever and definitely not celibate. This puritan bullshit never made sense to him, and he frequently screws around, one night stands or not.
He knows that they never actually put a claim on each other, nor were they actually, you know, a thing. Yet he can’t help but feel bitter and jealous at his current situation…ship. Which makes him feel like an asshole, especially since he’s not actually verbalizing anything to Mikey in a healthy manner.
Mikey Way is the coolest person Pete has ever met. Period. Well, aside from Patrick, but it’s the different kind of cool. Mikey is the kind of cool that makes his jeans tighter around the groin. Before this kind of cool was reserved for girls only, but now Pete is trying to cast away new resurgence of “am I gay?” thoughts and instead thoughtlessly (or at least he tries it to be so) hooking up with Mikey. Doesn’t seem like he’s the only one this summer doing so though.
His rational side (whatever’s left of it anyway) reasons that Mikey has full autonomy to sleep around however much he likes. And especially Pete can’t say anything about it unless he admits that he wants to be in actual, fully committed, gay under the waist relationships with Mikey. Which he won’t do. ‘Cause that’s gay, duh, and kind of feels like a buzzkill since Mikey made no indications of being that much into Pete besides, well, sex and makeout sessions. And Pete is, once again, feels too much for this predicament.
Mikey doesn’t act any different with him, compared to his other guy hook ups. Pete’s not actually sure if Mikey’s just high all the time or if he actually just doesn’t give a fuck about all that. There’s a bunch of jokes and rumors going around, and in less than a month Mikey is known locally as a Warped Tour slut.
Mikey himself doesn’t care that much, it seems, and casual slutshaming thrown at him does little to deter him from seeking new company every other night (or day). Actually, Pete is a bit different from other guys this summer, he guesses. At the very least because of the amount of times Pete and Mikey found themselves seeking privacy together. And well, Pete kinda cares about Mikey’s reputation. In a sense that it makes his heart break over and bleed, and it seems like these days the only way his heart is even pumping blood is through sheer agony and recycling its own blood loss. He feels so jealous, and so pathetic like a loser in high school who fell in love with a girl totally out of his league because she made out with him to win a bet. Except that Mikey just likes sex. And dicks it seems.
The only other person who’s bothered by the ‘Warped Tour slut’ allegations is Mikey’s brother, Gerard. Pete actually didn’t have the chance to really talk to Gerard this Warped Tour, given the awkwardness of their first interaction in here; namely when he (for some lovesick pathetic reason) followed Mikey out of the Fall Out Boy tour bus, and when they bumped into Gerard, it wouldn’t take a genius to realize who’s responsible for a big, mean hickey on his baby brother’s collarbone.
Pete guesses Gerard doesn’t like him that much, even if their interactions are amicable. But Pete can tell when people are annoyed at him, and it seems to be the case with Gerard almost any time Pete does as little as breathe next to him. Pete is just slightly bothered by it, mostly because Gerard just feels like another timer of his and Mikey’s summer thing.
Mikey is so enigmatic. Even with his awkward stances, glances and overall dork behavior. It’s just his natural aura. Pete can never tell what he’s really thinking, and it’s driving him crazy. He can talk so much about whatever he finds himself interested in, but he’s just so private about other stuff. Pete once poured his heart out about his fuckass mental health, about whatever the fuck he was moody about again, and Mikey comforted him. Very gently. Very sincerely, but Mikey never once talked about his own emotions or thoughts. Not enough to create a painting of him, like he could do with Pete at this point. And this distance and the fucking imbalance of shared info drove Pete crazy.
He wanted to be confessed to. He wanted all of Mikey, and what Mikey was offering was not enough.
In a way, Pete knew that Mikey was a very reserved and private person, and realistically the pathetic few weeks they really got to know each would not be enough for him to really open up (even if he did open some other spaces…) And so Mikey became a puzzle that Pete can’t quite piece together yet, and it bothers him so, so much. He doesn’t know exactly what makes Mikey hang out with him that much either. They don’t only hook up. They hang out platonically a lot, and if Pete was even more delusional he’d call these dates, but it’s just setting himself up for a massive heartbreak. Or at least he tries to convince himself, but in reality he does act and expect these hangouts like they were actual dates.
And in between these ‘dates’ Pete finds himself seething with jealousy any time Mikey lingers with other people for a bit too long. Like when he was smiling at a tech before sound check, or when he was leaning against a wall all seductively when talking to a journalist girl or whatever. Pete doesn’t know if he should bring it up, or even if he does end up addressing it, how can he not make a fool of himself? Like, “hey, I know we started our whatever-ship off of you blowing me and me awkwardly trying to jerk you off, but I actually love you so fucking much I can’t sleep without thinking about you, even thought it feels like I know nothing about you other than the shape of your ass and dick, and hey! Can you stop fucking other people???” And then he imagines Mikey saying something like “Are you a fucking fag?” But it’s unrealistic; first of all, if anything Mikey is the fag here, and second, Mikey is not that cruel.
At least not intentionally.
But every time Pete has to watch Mikey make out with someone else, Pete can feel his chest collapse like a truck collided into him on a highway. He wonders if Mikey feels anything like that towards him. And if whatever they have is just a summer thing, or if it will linger on in any capacity afterwards. He really tries to not sound bitter when he talks to Mikey after these 'interruptions' or not to be too rough in bed when he thinks about it, but it seems like Mikey is slowly catching on.
It’s already nearing the end. Pete is sulking, and they are in a hotel. They’ve gone all the way this time, but Pete doesn’t feel particularly elated… as he usually does when Mikey brings him to a mind-blowing orgasm. He swears he was never that much into anyone before, and to know that the other person may not feel the same intensity just hurts. It sours everything. When Pete climbs off of Mikey, he knows he’s frowning and he feels like breaking something. Preferably himself, so that he has at least some distraction from whatever storm is destroying his ribcage.
Mikey feels something off. Of course he does. For all his aura of a nonchalant person he is not an asshole. Maybe? He never went out of his way to be an asshole to somebody, not Pete for sure.
“What happened?” Mikey asks, rising on his elbows. His hair are still damp from shower and now sweat. He’s squinting at Pete, trying to focus his poor vision without the glasses, stored away on a bedside table. He looks adorable, but when Pete lingers on that thought he starts wondering how many other people saw Mikey like that. Which is fucking stupid, Mikey doesn’t owe him anything. But it makes him want to kill somebody.
He looks away, burying his face in the palms of his hands. Praying. Why does he have to ruin every fucking thing? He could be happy with what he has: Mikey’s attention, Mikey’s bed, Mikey’s sleepy look in the morning in the Fall Out Boy tour bus. It’s never enough, isn’t it? Pete groans something like “nothing”. Mikey then rolls over to reach him at the edge of the bed, his hand a little shaky on his shoulder.
Pete peeks a bit again over his shoulder, and concern knits Mikey’s eyebrows together, lips pressed together slightly. Pete can’t bear to look at him any longer.
“I think I don’t want this to be over,” he says very quietly. It comes out steadier than he expected, and it feels like confessing to a murder. Mikey’s hand slips down his back, his touch only a feather weight now.
Mikey sighs softly. The hotel bed creaks, and the sheets shuffle as he comes to sit beside Pete, shins tucked under his thighs and hands on his lap. He looks kind of bashful now. Or regretful. God, Pete fucking hates everything. Mikey doesn’t say anything, and it pisses Pete off so much more. Is he not enough to like, at least say something out loud? Not even a rejection?
“Do you get off on making me fucking suffer or what?” He barks out much louder than needed. He doesn’t see Mikey’s reaction. “Like, you just play with me again and again to just hook up with somebody else tomorrow. Never opening up, never saying anything, not even now! Why are we even doing all of this?” He started shaking from how mad and guilty he feels. Guilty for making Mikey the asshole, even though he doesn’t really deserve it. He thinks, no, he knows he should stop about now, but he’s hurt. “I know I’m like a nutcase, and I know I said that I don’t do gay stuff, but is it that–“
“Pete,” Mikey sounds irritated: not explicitly mad, he sounds as calm as always but with a slight edge that Pete by now can pick out to be a sign of irritation. He wonders if Mikey ever yells, voice raw and spiky. He can’t even imagine it. But still, Pete stops his tirade and folds over, heaving slightly. Mikey seems to bend down a bit too as his voice draws closer, “I know you’re jealous.
“But we’re not exactly boyfriends either, Pete.”
“How the fuck do you want us to be boyfriends, if–“
“You never fucking asked, and I’m sorry if your “I’m not into gay stuff” threw me off too,” Mikey says bitterly like he’s hurt. “And before you try to say that I’m a slut, or be weird and avoiding the topic again, can we just please fucking talk like adults?”
Pete’s guilt spikes up, adding a nauseous feeling to his inner turmoil. He looks down and his dick is still out there, and it makes him feel ridiculous. Here he is, on a verge of either making himself or Mikey cry, feeling like an asshole and yet like everyone wronged him, naked as a newborn.
“Pete, I can’t read minds or anything.”
“It sure does feel like it.”
“Pete.” He says more insistently. “How was I supposed to know you wanted more? I honestly thought you just wanted to do this “bicurious” bullshit with me, no strings attached.
“So when you come off at me like that, after we just fucked, accusing me of making you suffer, it… it just….” Pete looks up at Mikey, whose face sours as he says this. “I’m really fucking confused.” And oh, Mikey’s voice sounds a bit clipped like he’s about to cry, and Pete feels like a monster when he feels satisfaction roll over his body. Pete has nothing to say for once.
“I’m not unfamiliar with men just wanting to try things with me, Pete, and you’re an amazing guy, but why the fuck is it only my issue that you can’t just communicate? If you just talked to me, that, well, maybe you want to be exclusive or whatever, I wouldn’t be…” Mikey jerks suddenly to get his glasses. The frame clicks against itself as he puts them on. “I wouldn’t be against it, Pete. But I don’t know how this will work out with your tendency to–“
“No!” Pete practically jumps up. “I’m so sorry, Mikey. I didn’t mean to say any of that.”
“Except that you did, obviously.” Once again, Pete feels Mikey’s hurt. “Maybe I’m sending mixed messages or something, but I don’t think I ever made it feel like you can’t just talk to me. You were the one to set this whole thing as a 'hook up only' thing.”
“I’m so fucking sorry,” Pete really needs to control his impulses better. He goes to hug Mikey, but instead ends up tackling him to the bed, and tries not to flinch when Mikey goes still for a second. It’s all a mess from here. Pete needs to stop oversharing, but the dam is blown up with dynamite Pete himself has put there. He tells Mikey how much he thinks about him, how much he needs to be his, at some point even confessing how irrationally jealous he is of even Mikey’s fucking brother. That made Mikey laugh at the very least. It still feels a bit awkward, but Mikey starts whispering to Pete of his own feelings, and oh, will Pete keep these confessions to himself. He feels like he just bit down on the forbidden fruit, sweet and corrosive.
They make out, slow and steady like lovers. And it feels like a new breath, and Mikey is his, his, his.
But Pete wakes up next morning, feeling like his self yesterday was an entirely different person, and as if Mikey next to him this morning is the yesterday-Mikey’s doppelgänger. Mikey feels, for the first time, as a foreign piece in his life, and Pete pieced him together all wrong. It scares him, the new-found disgust. There's no enigma, it's just Mikey Way, cool and aloof as always, yet somehow weirdly different.
And as he watches Mikey's unguarded expression, feeling sober for the first time this summer, fear overwhelms him like a tidal wave. Their room feels stranded from the rest of the world, like they’re stuck at point Nemo in the Pacific. And the only reason they're stranded is because Pete is a selfish fucker who wants to own everything, yet doesn't know what to do with it when he has it. He doesn't want to feel this powerful, and Mikey for sure will do better without a boyfriend who feels disgusted at them together.
He made a mistake, so now he calls it quits before any more damage can be done.
“He what?” Gerard looks scandalized.
Mikey feels like he’s in middle school again, crawling over to his brother’s room after something upset him. His arm fucking burns from the eyeliner. Gerard’s inspecting Pete’s handwriting, rotating his wrist with firm fingers.
He knows his brother is not violent, at least outside of his imagination, but Gerard does look ready to kill. Warped Tour is over, and so are Mikey’s shenanigans and his hoe era. Mikey imagined it to be a better end, though, without stupid Chicago guys fucking his brains about dating and then dipping early in the morning scarring his skin with a fuckass “I love you”. Mikey knew Pete is a hopeless romantic, and he should have known that hooking up with him is a mistake, all things considered. He knew it would end up like this in the back of his mind, yet yesterday it felt like maybe it could work out in spite of everything. He even got over his initial fear of being in relationships with another guy and what it would entail, especially with another rockstar who doesn’t know what privacy is. But he wasn’t even given a chance. Pete just got his satisfaction of being needed and left. What the fuck ever.
Mikey braces himself for Gerard to turn on his Annoying Big Brother mode and to say “told you so” but instead Gerard hugs him. Mikey doesn’t cry, he’s just incredibly pissed. “We’ll figure it out.”
This ‘break up’ comes up in Fall with Frank, Ray and Bob when they joke about Mikey’s summer lapdog. Upon seeing Mikey’s unamused face and Gerard’s tight lipped frown, they ask a logical question. Did something happen? Mikey just gives a nod to Gerard, and Gerard starts ranting about non-committal assholes, hotels, and eyeliners. He gets so pissed, you would think this happened to him personally. Mikey laughs a bit in a small giggle at his brother’s retelling. Bob and Ray are just blanking, Frank made a funny confused face like he’s not sure if it’s a joke or not. It’s pretty awkward, especially when their band is so tight with Fall Out Boy in general, and maybe, fuck, maybe Mikey also should’ve taken that into account. He’s very lousy as a morale manager.
“Woah,” Ray says first in a huff, “What a fucking asshole.”
“Wait, you’ve been hooking up?” Bob asks, and everyone just side-eyes him like obviously, duh.
“Mikey, if you want to break his legs or arms or neck, we’ll make sure no one finds out.” Frank says, as a half-joke.
Mikey cooled off since then already. Pete has issues.
“Pete has issues.” And that’s all he says, and really hopes they’ll be able to move past it. It wouldn’t be good for any of the two bands to let this determine their creative paths. Though Mikey thinks it, once again as all relationships are, is not only up to him to decide or guide. Especially given Pete’s LiveJournal, no matter how oblivious Mikey tries to act to it. He wonders if anyone else is reading it and connects all the dots. Pete’s entries spark this irk at the back of his spine, irritating him, but it’s better to just ignore it and let Pete cool down.
Hopefully, it won’t take too long.