Chapter Text
Ryan had been taught that there was no tenderness in love of any kind.
From a young age, his father would pair sharp blows with blunt Biblical justification. 'Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.'
Each word was punctuated by a slap, a yank, and when Ryan had behaved especially poorly, a punch. The echoes of his father's voice hung heavy in the silence, broken only by Ryan's muffled sobs.
'He does this because he loves you, Ryan,' his mother would whisper afterwards, stroking Ryan's blonde curls. 'He wants you to grow up into a strong man, teach you the ways of the Lord. God has placed the burden on us to discipline you when you sin, so that you may repent your ways and be reunited with the Holy God our Father in Heaven when we pass away.' She would wipe the tears from his wide blue eyes; place a gentle kiss on his forehead. 'Now, let's go pray, shall we?'
So Ryan learnt that when he sinned against the Lord's word, he was to be castigated accordingly.
Though they were engrained within the very fibre of his being, Ryan knew that his feelings for Hunter were wrong. He spent countless nights, restless, his pastor's stern voice reverberating in his head. 'For man to lie with man, that is a sin. As it is said in Leviticus 18:22, 'Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman,' that is the word of the Lord our God.'
As the pastor's son, Hunter grew up with the same teachings.
Yet, it did not stop his wandering eyes meeting Ryan's across the seats in the church as his father monotoned on stage. It did not stop them from wandering down to the creek after sermons, laughing at each other's attempts to skip rocks across the murky surface, each worse than the last. In the dim of Ryan's room did not stop Hunter from sitting a little too close to him, the brunette's heavy lidded gaze sliding down the blonde's torso, across the firm muscles of his arms. It did not stop the shiver that ran down Ryan's spine as he was met with the smell of Hunter's cheap body wash, mixed with the musky scent of sweat.
In those moments of secrecy, Hunter softened enough to take Ryan in his arms, press chaste kisses along his cheeks, moving towards his lips until, firmly, Hunter captured Ryan's mouth with his own and he was no longer cautious but passionate, intense, bordering on harsh, brutal, nipping and biting.
The first time flooded Ryan's body with pure disgust, disgust at what they were doing. Every teaching against homosexuality was the acidic burn of bile in his throat. The second time, and all the times after - well. The revulsion made way for desire, a desire so innate yet so completely confounding Ryan could not bear to look at himself in the mirror and wonder what act of Satan had warped him so wholly, turned him onto the path of sin.
He would spend hours afterwards, sitting in the shower, scrubbing away the echoes of Hunter's skin against his own as his mind swirled with anger and scathing self-hatred. There's something fucked up in me, a rot in both of us. They were flawed, unworthy of God's love and redemption.
Hunter's attempt at gentleness never lasted past the initial moments of their tumbles with each other. The boys were both painfully aware that though they were shielded from the prying eyes of the living, God was their witness.
And so, they would be the ones to discipline each other. With Hunter's hands tightly around Ryan's neck, Ryan's nails digging deep into the rippling muscles of Hunter's back, the unholy pair suffered for these moments of exploration, physical satisfaction.
The pain made sense to Ryan; it was all that he had ever known. Love and punishment, wrapped up in a beautiful, desirable package.
Once, they were at the creek after Sunday sermon. They had given up on skipping rocks, sitting down on the bank instead. The late summer sunshine was warm on Ryan's back; he was considering taking a dip in the gurgling water before Hunter spoke.
''If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.' Leviticus 20:13.' Hunter quoted flatly, holding Ryan's gaze with his own.
'Nice quote mate,' Ryan retorted. 'You get that one from your father's upcoming sermon, or find it yourself?'
Hunter snorted, absentmindedly tossing a rock into the air and catching it. 'Y'know, people like us get stoned. That's how they killed people who sinned badly enough.'
Unnerved, Ryan watched the stone in Hunter's hands, noting a small pile gathered next to the boy. 'So what's your point? We deserve to get fuckin' stoned like this is the Middle Ages? Just for some fooling around? Christ, Hunter, I know this is fucked up but this is a bit far, even for you.' He laughed nervously.
The look in Hunter's eyes was haunted. 'Ryan, you don't understand, mate. I can't do it like this anymore, it's just not right.'
'What's not right, the kissing or the bruising?' Ryan laughed, half lifting his shirt, where purple and blue discolouration from Hunter's teeth and nails dappled his skin.
Panicked, Hunter reached for Ryan, pulling his shirt back down. He whipped his head around, searching frantically back in the direction of the church to confirm that there had been no witnesses. 'Don't do that, cunt! I'm serious!' He took a deep breath. 'What we're doing, it's eating me up inside. I can't even look my father in the eye anymore after coming back from one of our... hangouts.' Hunter spat the last word out as if it physically repulsed him.
'So take it out on me like we always do, and I'll return the favour.' Ryan shrugged, turning back to stare out across the creek. 'That's how I cope with it.' The hatred and guilt eating me up inside, that is.
'It's not enough.'
'Then stone me.' Ryan meant it as a joke, but Hunter sat in silence.
Then a sharp pain shot through Ryan's right side. 'Fuck, cunt, I was joking!' Ryan scrambled to his feet, as did Hunter, already picking up another rock and taking aim.
The second rock hit Ryan front on, and he hissed with pain. He lunged for the pile of rocks at Hunter's feet, grasping multiple in his hand. 'Hunter, I'm serious, fuckin' stop it!'
'Do it back.' Hunter commanded.
Ryan hesitated, weighing up the sizable pebbles in his hands. It's just another way for us to punish each other like we've already been doing - right? They were defiled, unrighteous, immoral - love, if that was what they had, could not come without a cost.
The third rock hit Ryan in the heart, and the sting sent rage coursing through his veins. So, staring Hunter dead in the eye, he threw, and aimed true.