Chapter Text
“You should tell your cousin he’s being a little too obvious.” Kevin says, leaning against the car while Ben zooms off to order their smoothies and dragging his new partner along with him, literally knipping at his heels like a puppy following a bacon trail.
“Ben’s always like that.” Gwen sighs, leaning against the car next to him, ponytail swaying behind her. “Captain Obvious over there.”
Kevin puts his arm around her, messing with her hair and feeling weirdly nostalgic even though they’ve really only been out of Bellwood for a sum of two weeks. He hasn’t missed Bellwood all that much, but he’s missed Ben a lot. He really undersestimated just how much time he spent with that doofus.
“I’m glad he’s made a friend so fast. I was worried he was going to be a loner for a while.” Gwen says, like some sort of bittersweet after thought. It’s a little to close to actual emotion for Kevin though, so he goes ahead and ruins it.
“Little Benji wants to make more than a friend.” Kevin says, smiling his I’m up to no good smile. “Looks like your baby cousin has found himself a man.”
Kevin was expecting to get a play scold or a light slap or something for that comment. He did not expect Gwen to look at him like he’s grown a second head.
“What?” She asks, as close to baffled as Gwen Tennyson ever was. Kevin stopped playing with her ponytail.
“I said-“
“Guys! New flavor!” Ben yells, waving around his smoothie in the air, the rest of them being carried by Rook, who was now looking at Ben like he was the best damn thing since seat heaters. Maybe this Revohnagander country boy wasn’t a total pipe dream like Kevin had initially thought. “Ginger and tumeric!”
Ugh. “You better have gotten me my blueberry!” Kevin tells Ben, who of course didn’t.
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“What were you talking about? At the smoothie place?” Gwen asks once it’s time for them to leave. Kevin thinks this might be the first interaction he’s ever had with Ben that ended with his car in one piece. Small miracles. Or large ones, considering Ben’s talent for destruction of Levin property.
“Smoothie place?” Kevin asked, before the light bulb went off in his head and he realized it was time for uninterrupted gossip with Gwen, his favorite thing ever. “You mean Ben’s total crush on his new plumber friend?” He says gleefully, waiting to hear Gwen’s full in depth analysis on every interaction they had in the seven hours they were together. Dating a smart girl was so fucking awesome.
“Ben doesn’t have a crush on Rook. He’s like that with all his friends.” Kevin scoffed before she had even finished the sentence.
“Are you kidding? The constant tailing, the banter, the height difference?” Kevin regards her for a second. “He wants him so bad it’s not even funny.”
She frowns. “Kevin, you’re being mean.” She says, making Kevin roll his eyes. Saint Gwen strikes again. He’s going to have to push a little harder if he wants the bitchy gossip sesh of his dreams.
“I call it like I see it. Ben was about three seconds from jumping the fur off country boy over there. Don’t act like you have no idea what I’m talking about.”
Gwen goes from a regular level frown to a Natalie Tennyson level frown. “Kevin, stop it.”
“Stop what?” He asks, wondering how he’s managed to stumble his way into the dog house this time.
“Saying that Ben is gay!” Gwen yells, and Kevin rolls his eyes (albeit lovingly) because of course Gwen would get hung up on something stupid like semantics.
“Sorry to mislabel him.” Kevin apologizes, only a little bit snarky. “I know he’s bisexual too. Now can we talk about how when they were fighting, Ben definitely pulled Rook out of the way?”
“Too? Who else is bisexual?” Gwen demands, totally ignoring his astute observation. Honestly, no one even cares about passion anymore.
“You.” He says, trying to get into the juicy stuff and skip over whatever she’s angry about. “When they were bickering in the proto truck? That was definitely something, right?” He tries looking over at her.
Gwen glares at him and crosses her arms, turning toward the window. The universal sign for Mad at Kevin. Kevin tries to think about what he possibly could’ve said to piss her off enough that she’d deny him gossip about Ben time, but comes up short.
“I’m not bisexual.” Gwen seethes in a deadly serious tone after three whole minutes of silence. Kevin breaks out laughing, the absolutely horrible snort laugh that he hates that he does. He wipes his nose to cover it, willing himself to stop laughing.
“Sure babe.” He says, failing in his quest and starting to laugh again.
Gwen sits up, really trying to sell her upset bit. “I’m not!”
“I know you’re joking.” Kevin says, shaking his head. “Hilarious, sure got me, give the woman her Oscar. Can we talk about Ben’s new boyfriend now?”
“No!” She says, hand poised on the center console like she does when she’s actually mad. Kevin doesn’t know where Gwen’s picked up these acting skills, since she usually couldn’t lie about what she ate for lunch, but even he can appreciate a good bit. “You- I don’t even know any gay people?”
Kevin snorts. Oh, she’s definitely joking with him. “Emily’s a lesbian. Julie’s bi too. Max is a freak from way back. Cash and JT wish they were dating. Don’t even get me started on your brother.” Kevin had to take his hand off the wheel to count on his fingers. “And Ben, obviously.”
Gwen looks at him, trying to melt him with her eyeballs. She must’ve practiced this in the mirror or something. “None of those people are gay! Kevin, you can’t just decide that people are gay!”
“I didn’t decide, they are!” Kevin tries defending himself through his laughter. This is usuallly the point of the joke that Gwen concedes are starts laughing too, but if anything she seems to become even more fake irate.
“I’m not gay!” She damn near screams, and Kevin’s laugh slowly peters out.
“Well, obviously not.” He says, mostly confused. Are they actually arguing right now? And about what, if they are? “You’re bisexual.” He adds on, figuring this can be a nice, clean end to the joke and/or argument.
“Same thing!” Gwen retorts, clearly not wanting this to be the end of it.
“It’s not the same thing.” Kevin argues back, “Bisexual means-“
“I know what it means.” Gwen snaps, crossing her arms and looking out the window. “I’m just not.”
“Yes, you are.” Kevin says. Gwen turns around like she’s going to rip his head off or something. “You would totally date me if I was a girl.”
Gwen goes red, which is the final cue Kevin needs to realize that this is not a joke and that Gwen somehow didn’t realize that she was bisexual. “Gwen. You can’t be serious.”
“You’re just being an asshole!” She gritted out. She just called him an asshole. Which he was, but that kind of verbiage only escaped Gwen when she was actually, honest to god mad at him. Which means this wasn’t a bit.
“Oh my god you’re being serious.” Kevin mumbles, turning back towards the road. “What did they even teach you in sex ed?”
She goes even redder. “I went to private school, we didn’t have that.”
Kevin, who has been having sex with this girl for over a YEAR now, feels a mixture of extremely guilty for not noticing, impressed she managed to get this far without him finding out, and kind of horrified that she doesn’t seemed to have given any thought to her sexuality at all.
He drums his fingers on the steering wheel, the perfect solution coming into his brain.
“Gwen. Close your eyes.”
She narrows her eyes at him. “Why?”
“Just do it.” He says. She doesn’t close her eyes. “Please?” He asks, a very rare ask at that. Through the power of please, she complies.
“Okay, imagine me. Now imagine me a little bit shorter. Hair longer. Waist smaller- actually scratch that, I’m snatched as fuck. Just make my butt bigger. Like, more hour glass looking. Oh, and I have some kickass earrings. Yeah. Also, I have boobs, but those aren’t that important. And my boots are kickass platform shoes now, like monster high dolls wear. And I have a skirt on. No, ditch the skirt, same pants just missing something important in the crotch area. Chain on the belt, don’t forget about the-“
“Kevin I’m not doing this.” Gwen says, cutting him off in the middle of his guided meditation. He just sighs.
“Did you even try?”
“No, it’s stupid.”
“I just imagined you the hottest butch to ever butch and you’re not even going to think about her. That’s messed up Gwen. Really messed up.”
“Because it’s stupid! And what is a butch?” She asks, clearly frustrated.
Kevin can’t even dignify that with an answer. “Okay Gwen. Whatever. You can be straight if you want to.”
“You- I- Ugh!” Gwen says, and turns around and needless to say, he doesn’t get to gossip about Ben’s new relationship.