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A terrible atrocity has occurred. Something that will rock the foundation of the trust built beneath the crew and leave cracks that last forever longer. A heinous tragedy on-par with the death of a dogmate in a movie.
Well, not as tragic as that, but perhaps close.
Still, the weapon of injustice has been brandished against the most innocent of victims, the one thing that Guard cared about the most. Even now, as they stand at the scene of the crime, the sight fills them with rage and anguish.
They stare at the busted coffee machine mournfully. With a touch softer than the leaves in Scientist's garden, Guard gently slides their hand over the beaten metal. “I'll avenge you, you beautiful lump of steel. I'll find who did this and hit them with the hammer of justice for what they did to you...”
There's a cough sound behind them. “Heyyyy, Guard! Whatcha up to…?” Ah, yes. The turn to come face to face with the one crewmate on this ship they know they can depend on. Depend on to continue committing culinary crimes, that is.
“Cook.” Guard nods, “I've just hooked my latest case like a fishmate in a river. And I don't plan on letting that little fishy go.”
The aforementioned crewmate nodded back slowly “Right!! …and that is?”
Guard steps aside so that they can get a good look at the crime scene. Cook stares at it blankly, which they take to be a sign of shock. A fair reaction. They, too, reacted with shock at first.
Suddenly, Guard is struck by an excellent idea. “Cook! Will you help me find the culprit of this cruel offense?” The yellow crewmate is, afterall, the one who resides in the cafeteria the most, and easily the best assistant one could ask for. “With your help, I can find the perpetrator faster than Engineer slips from Reactor to Medbay!”
“What- ME???” Cook jumps, startled. They look nervous, too. Another fair reaction, going after such a psycho who would do this could be dangerous. But finding the mastermind of the crime is more important.
“Yes, you.” confirms Guard. “I wouldn't trust anyone else with a case like this.” Other than themself, of course, but that's a given.
Cook looks between the broken machine and Guard a couple of times apprehensively. “What are you planning to do once you catch whoever did this?” They ask.
Guard wastes no time responding. “When I catch the culprit, let's just say the coffee machine won't be the only thing broken on this ship.” They say, punching their fist into their palm. Noticing that Cook looks unnerved they give them a pat on the back. “Don't worry, you won't have to worry about me using these fists of justice on you.”
Cook gives them a crooked smile, so obviously their reassuring statement worked. “Y-yeah! Let's go find our culprit!”
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‐‐‐‐‐‐Suspect 1: Captain‐‐‐‐‐‐
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If Guard wants to solve this case, then the first step is to interrogate the suspects. The first suspect on the list is Captain. If they're the one to have commit the crime, Guard will have them singing like a birdmate in no time.
A couple of card swipes later the doors to Navigation swing open. Captain swings around from where they're charting the courses and steering the ship. But they’ll need more than just those skills if Guard finds out they broke the coffee machine. “Oh, hey there, Guard! Cook! How are you two?”
Guard shakes their head gravely. “Not good, Cap, not good.”
“We can’t be having that! What’s the problem?”
“The coffee machine’s broken!” Cook supplies helpfully. While they discuss, Guard scans the room for any clues. Information is a cookie, and Guard will not leave any crumbs behind. Seeing nothing obviously connecting to the case, their gaze moves to Captain themself.
The blue bean seems like normal, but even so, Guard knows that even the calmest of visors can hide the darkest of crimes underneath their shiny, reflective blings. Still, there seems to be no evidence on their bean to suggest that they ever were near the crime scene.
“Hey, Guard, I’ll see if I can get a new one from MIRA when we land.” offers Captain, checking the ship’s course “That’ll be iiiiiiiiiiiiiin… about a few days!”
A few days is a few days too long. Guard narrows their eyes at Captain and backs slowly out of the room. Even without evidence, the Captain is still a suspect, and everyone knows you can’t turn your back on a suspect…
When they pass the doorway, they whirl around on their feet and to move on to the next person on their mental interrogation list, Cook’s footsteps following behind.
Drat. They would’ve had an easier time cracking this case than Cook does burning an egg, if only they’d had their coffee. Unfortunately, they’ll have to figure this out without that life-giving elixir.
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‐‐‐‐‐‐Suspect 2: Scientist‐‐‐‐‐‐
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The card slider buzzes a few more times than they’d like before the door to the Labs finally slide open. Scientist is seated near one of their many plants in the jungle of a room they call their laboratory. Finding a theoretical weapon in the messy workplace would be harder than finding a trustball in a crate of rocks. “Oh, Guard. I thought I heard you outside the door. Hello to you too, Cook. Er- Anything I can help you with?”
Cook gives them a wave while Guard studies their visor. They don’t seem to hide any malice in there, but Guard can never be sure. The quiet ones are always suspicious. “You been in the cafeteria at all today?” they prompt, searching the brown crewmate’s reaction.
Scientist twiddles their fingers, considering the question. “Well, a little after lunch, I walked into cafeteria to get some water. Is this about the coffee machine, maybe?”
They got it spot on. Lucky guess, or were they the one to perform the misdeed? Guard squints at them suspiciously.
Scientist notices the intense scrutiny being placed on them, and seems to shrink under it. “Doctor left right before I entered- I noticed the coffee machine was broken after. If that’s what you’re looking for.” They continue, looking nervously from Cook to Guard.
Hmm. A potential lead. Scientist doesn’t seem like the type to lie, but there’s still the chance that they’re the perpetrator. For now though, they get the pass. Guard gives them a nod. “Appreciated. I’ll check it out.” They leave the room with Cook, who’s thanking Scientist for the help even as they exit the doors, hot on their heels.
It’s been ages since coffee has been unavailable to Guard for this long. Oh, how they crave the hot, bitter ambrosia-like goodness sliding down their throat. When Guard gets their hands on them, the criminal will pay.
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‐‐‐‐-‐‐Suspect 3: Doctor‐‐‐‐‐‐-
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“Finally! Argh!” The doors to Medbay slide open like the maw of a beast, the smell of sickness and streaming wafting into the air acting as the bad breath in the morning. As expected, the area near the doorways are devoid of lifeforms. The sound of keys clacking and obnoxious commentary are, unfortunately, present as can be.
Walking further into Medbay reveals Doctor on their computer mid-stream. Their voice grates on Guard's ears harsher than sandpaper on a fresh spaceship paint job as they talk to their viewers, and the purple crewmate takes a little pleasure in interrupting them. “Doctor!”
Doctor seems to freeze for a moment, before swirling their chair around to face them. “What’s up, Guard! Oh, and Cook too! Say hi, Chat!”
Guard stays out of view of the camera. They always hate being on Doctor’s streams, they’d rather keep their suit off the internet. There’s no telling what strangers would do with their likeness- internet safety is just as important as safety on a ship. They’re getting off-track. Their attention is a stick of butter slipping from their grasp. Stars, they miss their coffee.
Guard goes straight to the point. “Screw your chat, the coffee machine has been busted like a pinata at a birthday party and a little birdy told me you were the last one seen in the cafeteria before it was broken.”
“That old thing? Smashed before I went in the room. I don’t even look at that retro pile of bolts most of the time. Forgot it existed even.” The coral crewmate rolls their eyes. “Besides, I don’t even drink that stuff, I got my Health Juice already, amirite!” Doctor then turns back to their stream, yapping incessantly about the brand to their chat.
Argh! Another dead end. This case is a knot of string that keeps getting tangled every time Guard thinks they’ve figured out all the loops. Guard wordlessly turns to leave Medbay, barely registering Cook scrambling behind. They tune out Doctor’s voice talking to their viewers (“Hey! We do NOT need to clip that, chat!”) as they storm out the room to find their final suspect.
Guard’s eyebrow twitches with annoyance. They will catch the damn cause of the coffee-shortage soon. Coffee, baby, how they miss it. Guard can hardly live without it- their temper’s getting shorter and shorter, and soon that fuse was gonna blow.
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-‐‐‐‐‐Suspect 4: Engineer‐‐‐‐‐-
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Engineer was easy enough to find, with the engineering room where they tinkered in being wide open to the hallway. The maroon crewmate was busy as a bee- they were on the clock practically non-stop. Guard could relate. Constant vigilance is a part of their own job description.
“Hi, Engineer!” Cook waved to them cheerfully, causing the crewmate to startle. Their gadget dropped onto the workbench with a small clang!
Engineer turned towards them. They shoot Guard a second glance, perhaps noticing their grumpy (or grumpier-than-usual) expression. Guard glowers at them in return, and they quickly subvert their gaze to their yellow companion. Good. “Oh. It’s you two. What do you need?”
“The coffee machine’s broken.” Cook replies, fidgeting with the corner of their apron, “Could you help fix it?” Engineer shoots another look at Guard with an “o” expression on their visor. They couldn’t have been less subtle about it if they tried, but Guard couldn’t bring themself to care. The maroon crewmate’s not the only one who can throw subtlety out the window.
“Did you break it?” Guard questions, their tone blunter than a wooden bat.
The top of Engineer’s visor arches in a way that screams unimpressed. “You haven’t figured it out yet?” they shoot a glance at Cook, who shied away from their gaze. They better not be implying that it’s their fault that they haven’t identified the culprit yet. Before Guard can dwell on it, the mechanic sighs, “Nevermind. I can fix the coffee machine for you, though.”
Cook perked up at that. “Really? When?”
“I’ll be there in around half an hour. I’m working on this first.” Engineer waves their hand dismissively, prompting Guard and Cook to exit the room, thinking harder than a student on their final exam. There’s no other suspects left to interrogate. Time to put the clues together.
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‐‐‐‐----Case Conclusion‐‐‐‐‐----
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Has thinking always been this hard? It feels like Guard is slowly suffocating beneath the thick fog than plagues their mind. They sit on their stool in the cafeteria, brows furrowing, slotting clues together. It’d be much easier if the clues fit together like puzzles in a jigsaw, instead of whatever mismatched fragments Guard had. They press a hand to their visor, trying to push through the mental fog.
Engineer doesn’t have the motive or the time to have committed the act, busy with their job as they are. Doctor may have been seen leaving the scene, but the coral crewmate has no reason to touch the machine. Neither do Scientist or Captain.
Guard lets out a growl of frustration, slamming their fist down onto the bench.
A mug is set in front of them. It’s filled with a dark, warm liquid, though it doesn’t smell quite like the coffee that Guard desperately craves. They look up across the table to see Cook giving them a nervous smile. “I made you a hot chocolate! I know it’s not the same and all, but I figured it might help. Doing alright?”
The purple crewmate heaves a sigh, and sips at the hot chocolate. It’s scalding, and tastes somehow too watery and too powdery at the same time like it wasn’t mixed properly, and has the usual Cook-quality to it, but somehow it still offers Guard some relief. They put the cup back down, not meeting Cook’s gaze. “There’s no motive, no weapon, nothing.” they huff, “I’m chasing my own tail like a lost dogmate.”
“If I may,” Guard turns and narrows their visor at Cook as they nervously speak up, “what if it were an accident?”
An accident? Guard hadn’t considered that before (yet another thing they could blame on the lack of caffeine) but it was odd that their companion was bringing it up now. A feeling of suspicion and dread slowly seeped into them like a spill on a rug. “... If it was, the culprit should’ve owned up to their crime.”
“but what if they were scared their friend would be mad and never forgive them?”
Guard abruptly stands up from their chair.
Cook watches them as the lavender crewmate moves past them to the door.. “Guard? I’m really sorry-”
“Don’t talk to me.” Guard says, stopping in the doorway briefly. They move down into the hall, ignoring Cook as they plead after them. They don’t look back, and Cook doesn’t follow.
-----
Guard shakes themself back awake. They rub their visor, mentally hitting themself for dozing off again. An impostor could strike at any time, and they can’t trust a single one of the crew. Seconds spent dreaming could be seconds lost catching a killer in the act. While scanning the cameras for anything suspicious that might’ve occurred while they rested their visor, a glimpse of an apron right outside the security room caught their attention. Guard squints at the cameras.
There, in all their sheepish-glory, was Cook. Guard watched on the cameras as they raised a hand to knock on the security doors (locked tight, of course). “Guard?”
The purple crewmate had half a mind to ignore the pitiful bean outside their door. They should. And they consider such. But there's a warm, rich smell wafting pass the doors and the sunny crewmate turns to camera holding up a familiar glass cup filled to the brim with dark liquid… Guard caves in.
The doors hiss open, letting the scent in twice fold. Guard is trying not to drool as they restrain themself to not snatch the cup straight out of the other bean's hand. It takes all they have not to down the whole cup in a single gulp when they lift the full cup to their face (with hands that are NOT trembling) but instead take a long, dignified swig. They can't help but close their visor and savour the taste, an oasis in the middle of an arid, desert planet. The taste of the beautiful, mahogany-brown liquid after so long soothes the purple crewmate more than they'd like to admit, their irritation washing right off.
When Guard looks back at Cook, they're greeted by the most apologetic face they've ever seen. It's like looking at a kicked puppy in the visor, Cook's expression practically screaming “I'm-so-sorry!!!” Hm.
Guard averts their gaze into depths of the coffee, cradling the cup in both hands. “...You're forgiven.” They state, face a little flushed, “... and I apologise for being so irritable.” It's a little embarrassing, how they acted. Now that they reflect on it, they were acting out worse than a mini crew being dragged out of the candy store.
It's fortunate for Guard that Cook seems to have had their worries alleviated by their words. “I'm so glad!” They say, beaming up at them. “But!!! I'm sure you're still plenty busy!!! I'll be in the cafeteria if you need me!”
With that, Cook scampers off with high spirits. Guard watches them as they run off, nursing their coffee. They take a sip, locking the door back up and returning to their chair. Probably will have to get another cup soon, they think, watching the screens. They can taste the classic Cook-quality even in the coffee they drink now.
If they smile to themself about it though, there's no one around to witness it.