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"How are you doing today Shane?"
"Meh. I feel weird today." Shane said, his tone flat as he sat down on the couch in his therapist's office. Shane liked the guy, Eric, well enough. Harvey's colleague from Zuzu City had recommended Shane see this guy instead since Zuzu itself is so far away. The office was comfy, Shane often liked to sit on the plush sofa and it allowed him to relax.
"Weird huh? Why is that?" Eric asked, looking at Shane with his usual mix of empathy and curiosity.
"My girlfriend forgave me." Shane sighed. "She's still around and I dunno if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly all that lovable."
"Everyone is lovable Shane. Sometimes loving a person is harder at some times than others, but no one is really unlovable. Well, except maybe a serial killer." Eric laughed.
Shane snorted. He liked when Eric cracked jokes.
A small silence fell between them as Eric made notes on a legal pad. "Tell me about your girlfriend. I don't think you've mentioned her before." Eric prompted.
"Well, Emily...she's unique. She's got bright blue hair and a smile the borders on crazy but I kinda like that." He said, ending his sentence with a small chuckle. "She's very to the point which I like. She doesn't play games. She's into a lot of strange spiritual stuff like tarot cards and crystals. I don't get it, but like, I don't have to. I don't know what she sees in a guy like me. But she's good with Jas and that's important to me."
"She sounds like a very supportive person." Eric mused.
"Yeah. I wanted to talk about this, but...there's something she said to me that I want to talk about more because it confused the hell out of me."
"Oh? What's that Shane?" Eric asked. Shane watched the man draw a line across his paper.
"She said that I need to give myself space to grieve. I was telling her about Jas' parents. She really has a knack for getting me to open up. It's scary sometimes."
Eric huffed a laugh. "Sometimes straightforward individuals are good for that." He made a note, the scratching of the pen on the pad more soothing than Shane anticipated today. Most of the time it got on his nerves.
When Shane didn't continue, Eric prompted him yet again. "What confuses you about what she said?"
"I figured I was grieving. I was just using beer to do it." Shane shrugged.
"No, that was a coping mechanism. Often when one falls victim to drinking excessively it's to cope rather than face something painful. Not always, some people get truly addicted and that's a different pain altogether." Eric explained. "What I think she's getting at is something I've been trying to get you to do, face what Daniel and Angela's death did to you emotionally."
"I...I can't do that. I need to keep myself together for Jas' sake." Shane replied stubbornly.
"Jas isn't in this room." Eric points out.
Shane sighed. "You got a point there."
"Imagine Emily is in here with you. What would you say to her?"
"I guess I'd say that them passing really fucked with my head. The accident...it was so sudden and jarring. Like I know no one lives forever, but Jas was supposed to get more than three years. I was supposed to get more than I did too." Shane said, his head in his hands. "It's hard. They made me her godfather right away you know. They entrusted my stupid ass to take care of their kid when she was born. I feel like...I can't do it alone, but I have to. Marnie helps, but...Jas doesn't really connect with her like she does with Emily."
Shane was surprised to find he was crying. He could almost feel Emily's head on his shoulder, the way she would lean on him when he needed comfort. Could hear her even breaths she'd have him mimic in order to calm down.
"I think your effort to keep things together is actually doing more damage than good. I think she sees that. She is good with Jas, but she wants to be there for you. That can be scary, having a support circle around you when you feel like you don't deserve one." Eric mused.
That thought struck Shane hard. "Support circle huh?"
"Think about who you have in your life besides Jas and Marnie. You have Emily now, who else has been there for you?"
"Rosie, the town farmer. Hell, she's offered to hire me as a farmhand. She's paying me way more than Joja ever did. There's Dr. Harvey...he's in love with the farmer too by the way. In some ways Robin helps. She's always lending a hand to people around town."
"Sounds to me like you have quite an extensive network. Jas is supported as are you by that network. You should take Emily's advice. Give yourself room to grieve, even if it's just here in this room with me every week. By doing that, you'll actually be more helpful to Jas. It will give her an example of how to express her own emotions."
And there it was, the piece Shane was missing in order to heal. Leaning on people so he had his own space to deal with his emotions instead of tamping them down with alcohol.
For the first time in a long time, Shane cried without feeling ashamed by it.