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“It’s a suicide mission.” His tone was flat.
For a moment, there was no response. Simon couldn’t meet his gaze. When his answer came, it came quietly.
“Yes. It is.”
Grace’s arms, which had been wrapped around himself, now dropped to his sides, and he slumped his shoulders in exasperation. “Why does nobody tell me anything around here?”
“I thought you knew.” Simon leaned back in his chair, raising a leg up to rest on the seat of the chair next to him. After the meeting had ended, the other officials slowly began to trickle out of the room, until it was just the two men left. The cat was out of the bag; Simon knew he couldn’t avoid the topic any longer, not after what Stratt said during that meeting. “I mean, you’re the one breeding the astrophage we’re using as fuel, I thought you did the math—”
“I didn’t—I never put two and two together. I thought you would be coming back,” Grace huffed out, dropping down into a seat just a couple spots away from Simon. He rested an elbow on the table and lowered his glasses to his chin, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers.
“It’s several lightyears away, Grace. We don’t have time to breed enough for a two-way trip.”
And Simon was right. Grace knew that. He could have connected the dots at any point. It didn’t make the news hurt any less.
“So we’ve been—” Grace gestured between the two of them with his other hand, back and forth. When he looked up at Simon, Simon’s eyes darted away again. “We’ve been, you know, all this, for all this time, even while you knew you would never be coming back?”
“Would you have wanted it to be different, had you known?”
No, Grace’s mind answered. Of course not. The warm glances, the soft touch, the nights spent together, drinking and laughing and telling stories in low voices. He still remembered the night he fell for the man, his mind foggy from the booze and his cheeks red from the crisp cold air. They had been sitting on the deck of the ship that night, staring out at the endless ocean under the night sky. Simon had told him he’d never seen a sky so full of stars before he’d been brought upon the ship, and even after coming out here, he didn’t get much time to truly appreciate the night sky for its beauty. The approaching deadline didn’t leave anyone with much time for recreation, and sleep was in short supply.
Not like it’s easy to sleep, anyway, knowing the fate of humanity and the stars was on your shoulders. They both had trouble sleeping most nights, and as time went on, they found themselves seeking out each other’s company at odd hours of the night.
Grace shook his head, and Simon’s eyes were drawn to the movement. When their eyes met, he felt his shoulders release some tension he didn’t know was there.
The silence between them stretched on and on. Simon wasn’t sure what to do, and Grace couldn’t decide what to say next. The ship creaked around them, and distant voices drifted in through the open door.
Eventually, Grace broke the silence again.
“Don’t go.”
Simon lightly recoiled in surprise. “What?”
“There are other engineers. You could just… Not go.” His mouth moved of its own accord, making a suggestion he knew just wasn’t possible. The look Simon gave him solidified that.
“Grace…”
“That’s what they’re for. In case something comes up, in case you can’t do it—”
“In case something happens to me. I can’t just change my mind—”
“You have free will. You could get out of it. You could stay, and then someone else goes, and we still succeed.”
Simon scoffed. “That’s a little selfish, isn’t it?”
“Is it selfish to want to live?” Grace pleaded.
Simon opened his mouth to speak, but fumbled over his words, trying to find the right thing to answer with. “I— That— This is what I’m here for.”
“It doesn’t have to be you, though!” His voice sounded desperate, and it tugged at Simon’s heartstrings. Grace already knew he was losing this fight.
“It shouldn’t have to be anyone,” he retorted. “But unfortunately, we don’t get to find some quick solution, call it a day, and all go home and live happily ever after. This is what I’m here for, Grace. I’ve spent too long preparing for this to back out now, and you know that.”
Grace stumbled over his words, trying to find something to convince him. Simon sighed and planted his feet down on the floor, pushing his chair back and away from the table. “Grace.”
Grace’s arm dropped down to the table, his soft sweater dampening the thump of his forearm. His gaze followed Simon as he stood up and turned away, towards the door.
“Don't make this harder than it needs to be. I've made my peace with it. You should, too.”