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The UNESCO incident had to be the most embarrassing and foolish thing to ever happen to Ryland Grace in his entire life. Honestly. What made it worse was that they lived in the era of the internet and YouTube lives. His hard work practically thrown into the trash as soon as those god awful words fell from his mouth. His years studying at Stanford—scratch that—his scholarship to Stanford. All practically down the drain. And to top all of that, his brother was back.
God, Ryland loved Colton more than possibly anyone still alive on this spinning rock, but man, was he a piece of work.
"Ry. Hear me out, buddy." Grace closed his eyes and let out a groan, his head banging against the back of his couch. "If I text Jody at exactly 11:11 to ask her out. Do you think she'll take it as a sign and say yes to me?"
Ryland was sat on his small beat up couch with his laptop resting in his lap scrolling through Indeed looking for a job. But, ever since Colt came to stay in Rylands apartment instead of a hotel (because Colt is (was and will always be) a cheap-skate) he's been irritating the crap out of him. It was just like when they were little. Colts clothes hanging around his apartment, along with pairs of sunglasses. How Colt can have that much clothes in one suitcase, Ryland doesn't know. He wakes up to pots clattering in the kitchen early morning before the sun even rises. And worst of all. His snoring. The walls were thin to say the least.
San Francisco wasn't cheap, especially since he doesn't have a steady job and is barely working on getting his educator license. Letting Colt crash on his couch for a whole two months was one of the dumbest decisions Ryland has ever made—and he's made some idiotic choices.
"You don't even follow angel numbers!" Ryland exclaimed, his hands conveying all emotion needed.
"Okay, maybe I don't... But maybe she does!" Colt says, turning his head towards Rylands. Colt is dressed in Ryland's pyjamas (“What’s the point of packing PJ’s if we’re the same size, stupid”), some cheap Superman sweatpants he got from Walmart and an oversized t-shirt so faded the science pun was illegible. "Listen. I know that you know that I know that you don't know how to date. Me however—I know how to date!"
Ryland brought his hands up to his face and shook his head. "You’re giving me headache… I don't care, Colt." His voice mumbled into his palms.
Colt laughed to himself. He loved to annoy his brother. He was always deemed the annoying one, and he took pride in it. But his smile faltered at the sight of Rylands arm. When he slapped his hands on his face his sleeves fell down to his elbow, revealing a bandaged forearm.
"Ryland. What's that?" Colt's tone quickly switching to a more serious one.
His brother stiffened. His hands immediately dropping down to his lap. His sleeves with him.
"What was what?" Ryland let out a cough and avoided eye-contact. Colt watched as his twin's fingers gripped and squeezed the excess fabric of his dress pants.
Ryland was still dressed in his interview attire. A white button up snug to his chest but loose on his arms. Colt knew that Rylands knew it was too small but he also knew money was tight at the moment. He watched as his younger brother squirmed in his seat before suddenly closing the laptop and getting up from the couch quietly. He avoided Colt’s eyes while he made his way to the bedroom, locking himself inside.
The living room turned cold. Colt sat there and felt a wave of nostalgia. He brought his own hand to his forehead and dragged it down his face letting out a sigh before getting up and grabbing his jacket from the coatrack by the door and his car keys from off the counter. The front door closed softly as Colt locked it from the outside.
From past experiences he knew that the best thing to do in situations like these was to leave space. But not too much space that his brother feels distant.
Colt swirls his keys around his pointer finger as he makes his way towards the elevator.
A drive would be nice.
Most of Colt's childhood memories are muddy. Years of trauma that he buries deep within himself. But he does remember being wide-eyed eight year old.
"Court, you are not allowed to drive yet. What are you doing!" Ryland yelled. It was a younger version of him, one with a black eye and bruises along his arms. His hair too long and his two front teeth were gone. His glasses were still falling off his face. They were following Courtland to their Dad's beat up truck. "Colt! Tell him how much trouble we're gonna be in!"
A younger version of his twin looked at him. Ryland trembled with fear. Something that was easy to spot in an eight year old. Courtland stuffed the boys into trucks' bench seat and buckled both of them in together. Colt could feel his brother shaking against his body now.
Colt sniffed, "It's fine, Ry. Court's got it all figured out." He turned towards his older brother in the drivers seat. "Right, Court?"
His brother's energy was heavy. Like he was about to do something dumb. A running pattern of the Gentry's being stupid.
Colt's memory was specifically muddy when it came to Court. It couldn't quite get his brain to compute his face or voice correctly. In his memories he was more of a shadow figure. It used to frustrate him as he got older.
"No. I'm gonna be honest. I have no idea what I'm doing. But you're going to be safe. That's all the matters." Courts hand gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.
The younger Ryland whimpered into Colt's shoulder. Snot and tears running down his face and getting all over his brother's black t-shirt.
The truck took a violent right turn squishing Ryland against the window with Colt's weight added on top. Courtland barely knew how to drive. Freshly fifteen and their Dad trusted him nowhere near his truck.
Younger Colt would've said a sarcastic comment if the air wasn't so heavy.
Instead, "Where are we going?" Colt asked. The red traffic light enhanced the shadow covering his older brother's face.
He heard Court mutter under his breath. "McDonalds."
The truck jerked left before pulling into a parking lot. Colt stayed silent as Ryland silently leaned against his shoulder while Courtland pulled out all the cash in his wallet.
"Take this and buy something to eat. Stay here until I come and get you two, okay?" Court asked. His voice softer than usual but his eyes were something neither of them had ever seen. Dark and cynical. Something they both never wanted to see in their brother. The twins stayed put, watching as Court traced over their faces with his eyes. Like he was memorizing them.
Courts hands held onto both their cheeks before he whispered something so quiet neither of them could hear it.
"Go. I love you both. Remember that, even if it's the only thing you remember of me. I love you."
He wanted to argue. What did that mean? How could we forget you? What's happening? He didn't have the chance, Courtland was already shoving them out of the car through the passenger seat. Before he could blink he was stood in the middle of the parking lot with his beat up and bruised twin brother in his arms. And Courtland was gone. Forever.
Colt pulled into a familiar but different parking lot. The golden 'M' laughing in his face as he banged his head down against the steering wheel. Colt tilted his head and looked at his clock which read that it was 9:53 pm. He then looked down at himself and groaned. He looked a mess. Colt opened the car door nonetheless and walked towards the building.
Ryland knew he was spiraling. He always did. His Dad once told him once after he got into an altercation at school that he always knew what he was doing. He was smart enough to know when he was doing something. That he was doing it on purpose. Pushing his buttons.
But he didn’t mean to spiral. It wasn’t on purpose. It happens. It’s triggered. Like Courtland.
Fuck.
He knew as soon as he entered that conference room it was a mistake. He’s young, unlike these asshole scientists who have a privileged position and have stayed in it rotting for decades. Ryland worked to get there, and that’s what angered him the most. He worked for that position. He worked to prove something. That Court’s arrest was worth it.
He worked hard to prove that the kid Courtland saved wasn’t a total fuck up. But he was. Ryland fucked up the one thing he had fully succeeded in.
That’s what led to the bandaged wrist, the variety a pills he kept locked in a box underneath his bed. He wasn’t stupid. He knew what he was doing. Ryland didn’t want to die. He was too cowardly. He just needed proof that he was worth it. To punish. Something to cope. Something.
The light in his room was dimmed thanks to cheap lamp he got at the thrift store. He let his back hit the mattress after a couple minutes of pacing, his nails digging crescents into the palm of his hand. God, Ryland really wished Colt wasn’t here.
Like it was on queue, Ryland heard the front door open and close along with the rustle of a bag. He could already assume what Colton brought home.
He heard the shuffle of feet near his door followed up by shallow knocks. "Hey, Ry. I'm pretty sure you already know what I brought back home." He let out a breathy chuckle, "Um. You can come out—whenever. I won't ask about it. But, I'll be here whenever you need me."
Ryland sat up for a moment. He couldn’t avoid his brother forever. Well, actually he could. But that would go down as the dumbest and most self destructive thing he’d ever do. He changed into some sweatpants and pulled over a sweater. It was August but he knew Colt wouldn’t say anything. He stepped into the living room—
“Aren’t you hot?” Scratch that. Colt’s a dumbass.
Ryland just stared in response. His brother seemed to understand.
“I got you the same thing you always get. I hope it hasn’t changed.” Colt murmured before stuffing his face with fries
They ate in silence for a while. Colt ate a few of his fries will picking at his burger mumbling about pickles. Ryland just held his burger in his hand staring off. Maybe taking a sip out of the straw of his drink every once in a while. It was awkward. But not as bad as it could be. It made Ryland realize he needed a bigger couch. Their knees were touching.
But, Ryland knew Colt can only go so long in silence. “You wanna watch something?” His brother asked like everything going on was normal. That was what did it.
Like it was normal to eat the same thing for the past twenty years because you’re both still mourning a dead boy. Or that it’s normal for you guys to know each other so well it’s disturbing. That it’s normal to have a brother that slits his wrists. It’s not. It’s not normal. Nothing about this family was normal, and it was driving Ryland fucking crazy.
He knew it was showing on his face. Everything. And he knew Colt was sniffing all of it out.
“None of this is okay, Colton.” Ryland snapped, dropping his burger onto the coffee table. Colt was unmoved.
Ryland stood up. “None of this! It’s not normal it’s fucking—obscene." He exclaimed his arms moving around frantically to prove his point. "I don’t know how the fuck you function like this. You’re the same kid you were years ago. You don’t ever change, you don’t ever care to. You’re too wrapped up in your own shit, you-you’re selfish!” He knew he wasn't making any sense, he didn't care. Anything to get Colt of his apartment.
Colt popped another fry into his mouth.
“Really, Colt? Nothing? You don’t care? You never do—you never did! You’re never gonna make it. You’re never going to be anything. You're going to keep doing this dumbass job that pays fucking pennies and couch surf for the rest of your life. You have nothing going for you.” He continued trying to spark a reaction. He could see Colt shift in where he was sitting. His posture slightly straightening.
“I know what you’re doing, Ryland.” Colt set his food down. "Stop it."
Ryland just couldn’t stop. “Yeah, okay. You don't know shit.” He scoffed, taking his glasses off and shoving them into his pocket. God, he probably looked crazy right now.
“Yes, I do. And stop pretending like I don’t. You’re trying to push me away because you’re addicted to this. To what you turn into once something goes wrong. I know you, Ryland.” Colt finally stood up, staring into him. His voice progressively getting louder. “You’re pushing me away because I make you remember. I make you remember what happened. I make you remember Court, and Mom, and Dad. And also because can get you out of this—this hole you dig yourself into.”
“I don’t need you!” Ryland shouted. It was the biggest lie that had ever came out of his mouth. It felt like acid on his tongue.
"That's why you moved all the way out here. Why you fought so hard to go to Stanford. To get away from me. To get away from Court's arrest. To-to prove something that's superficial!" Colt yelled. Ryland finally backed down taking in everything Colt was saying.
"And now that this dumb shit with your fucking—science shit tanked, you're taking it out on yourself!" Colt finished. Walking towards his twin, grabbing Ryland's arm before letting it go. Colt was catching his breath before he broke. Tears flooded the rims of his eyes.
"I can't see you like this, Ry. You're my baby brother. I don't care if it was a fucking forty minute difference to a second difference, you're my little brother. And you have everyone inside you." He pointed his finger into his chest. Ryland couldn't even look at him, his head falling down in shame.
Colt started again, "You have mom's eyes, you have Court's smile, and you're nothing like Dad."
Ryland started to cry. He felt like a little kid again. Like when you're crying so hard you can't breathe or catch your breath. And you feel like you're suffocating. But Colt pulled him into a hug and held him there, and that helped. It was familiar. The tears streaming down his cheeks, soaking his brother's shirt. Ryland started to hiccup while Colt rubbed circles into his back just like he used to when Courtland and their Dad fought. Something to distract him from the noise and the intensity.
"Come on." Colt whispered into his brother's nape before guiding him towards his bedroom. He sat his brother down gently onto his bed. "Can I look at it? I just want to make sure it's not infected."
His brother didn't respond. "Please."
Ryland silently got up and grabbed the Medkit from underneath his bathroom sink. He shuffled back into the room with a guilty look on his face. He sat down next to Colt, slowly unwrapping his own bandages before placing his arm in his brother's lap.
Colt was quiet while he got to work, firstly grabbing the Neosporin. His face indifferent.
"I'm sorry, Colt." Ryland apologized. His voice harsh and course from the shouting and crying. "I don't know why I'm like this." He quietly chuckled to himself.
His brother stayed quiet.
"You don't need to stay around." He tried again. The silence eating at him. Ryland started to fidget with his free hand. "I can pay for a hotel as an apology for my crazy shit."
Colt reached into the bag pausing at how empty the roll of bandages were. He gripped the roll tight before unravelling a small amount to start wrapping. Colt gathered the used bandages and rolled them up before getting up and tossing the bundle to the trash. He came back for the Medkit, zipping it up in silence before stuffing it back to where he assumed Ryland kept his stuff.
He circled back and sat down closer to Ryland this time. He leaned his head against his younger twin's shoulder and told him the truth.
"There's no movie."
Ryland's face shifted. What was Colt talking about. That was the whole point of his visit. He was working on some indie found family film where apparently the main character was supposed to dive off a cliff into the water next to the Golden Gate Bridge chasing after their kidnapped kid, or something.
"What?" Rylands brain finally catching up.
Colt sighed. "I lied to get you to let me stay over. I saw the video pop up on my YouTube recommended." He let out a light chuckle, before his face went sour again. Ryland could feel his face twisting against the soft material of his sweater. "I knew you weren't in good shape. I felt it in my gut—y'know."
Ryland just sat with the information. "I knew they didn't let people do stunts that close to the bridge." He joked, Colt let out a small laugh.
They just sat there in silence again. Too many words left said and unsaid. An uncomfortable silence.
"Lay down. I'll stay with you." Colt finally whispered tucking his brother into bed. He went and sat at the end of the sad twin-sized bed and watched as Ryland's breath slowed.
So many thoughts raced through his head. The first one was: How the fuck is he going to feel okay leaving his brother here, by himself before he goes back down to L.A. to help with Ryder's stunts. He loved Ryland with everything and he didn't know if leaving him was the right option.
A thought for another day. He shifted up the bed, squeezing next to his brother. They don't call them twin-sized for a reason.
It's been a couple days since their argument. Ryland's wounds were healing well and Colt had dug deep into his mind to fish out homemade recipes to cook. It was such a comfort to be near someone you've known your whole life.
In the past few days Ryland had broken down, but that's normal in recovery during one of Rylands episodes. Colt's flight left in four days and he felt really uncomfortable leaving his brother alone, with his thoughts. So, he came to the conclusion that Ryland should stay with him in L.A. for a couple of weeks. It was barely June and school didn't start for basically two months. He was sure that together he and Ryland could cover his rent while he was gone. The only thing left was to ask him.
It was a lazy Tuesday. Colt's flight was now in two days. Now was the only time appropriate to ask.
Ryland was slouched on the couch wearing a t-shirt and some shorts. His legs propped up on Colt's as he read studies on stuff Colt could never comprehend. Colt has been nervous to ask his brother for the past hour. He had no idea how he was going to react. It was either excitement or betrayal. No in between.
"Rylie, Ry, Ryland. My greatest most fantastic relative to grace this earth. Get it?" Colt started, "I have a major question to ask you."
"No, I'm not your calculator. Do your calculations on your phone, you jackass." His brother mumbled, his attention never even leaving his computer screen.
Colt sighed then let out a small laugh, "No, nothing like that. I was wondering if you wanted to come stay with me in L.A. for a little while. I'll pay for your ticket and everything."
Ryland was quiet for a moment. The laptop slowly closed. “Really?”
“Yeah, if you want to come. That’s where the real movie is filming and you could even meet Jody.” Colt smiled. His response was pretty promising.
“Okay, as long as you start to trust me once I say I’m okay.” Ryland negotiated. A small smile creeping up his face.
Colt knocked over his brother’s legs before standing up, Ryland muttered an ow.
He clapped. “Alright! Let’s get packing.” Colt exclaimed before rushing into his brother’s room.
The Tuesday was no longer lazy. It was filled with bickering and shoving and all the normal things that came with family.
Ryland’s suitcase was so full Colt convinced his brother to let him sit on it while Ryland zipped it up.
The chaos didn’t end there. It only got worse at the airport.
“Colton, you know damn well I can’t fucking fly.” Ryland muttered as they stood in line waiting to get their bags checked.
“You’ll be fine. They have puke bags you big baby.” Colt nipped.
Good thing mostly everything was in Colt’s suitcase or else Ryland would’ve had a heart attack based off anxiety at TSA.
And then finally, after hours of travel they made it to Colt’s hotel.
Colt pushed through the heavy door to be greeted with the smell of clean sheets and air fresheners. One thing caught his eye though. On the bed closest to the door was two packs of skittles. One sour and one regular. There was no note or anything.
“Can you hurry up, I really want to lay down.” Ryland groaned from behind Colt.
Colt pushed into the room. Ryland saw the skittles and immediately smiled.
“Hey, these are my favorites.” He said as he grabbed the green pack. “Oh, and Court loved these too.”
The twins had been talking about Court more often trying to find some closure. They spent the last couple days in San Francisco reciting stories and laughing until Courtland didn’t feel like a dirty word anymore.
Colt’s stood there in confusion but just ended up accepting it.
He snatched the red pack before Ryland got too greedy.