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Summer was starting. Naim could tell from how his hair had started to stick down to his forehead after only walking a few steps. He didn't think he'd make it this far.
They're still in Melbourne, despite wanting to ditch this whole place all together and move somewhere they could completely start new. A new continent, maybe they'd go to France, they don't really know anything about there, but that makes it perfect.
Because if they don't know it, then it doesn't know them.
"Fuck me" Naim perked up at the sound, Ryan's home.
Naim grabs his lighter that sits on his bedside table before going out to meet Ryan. They had a ritual of their own now. To be certain that it was really each other, and not the fake versions, they'd hold a lighter up to their skin.
Candles littered the little apartment they had been renting for the last few months. Most of them unscented, made it easier to have so many lit at once without overwhelming their senses. And Ryan sneezes around too many scents.
"You know you don't have to do that every time anymore" Ryan shakes his head when he spots Naim, despite his comment he still flicks his own lighter on, holding it under his arm.
"Yes, I do. It's not good for us to start slacking" Naim rolls his eyes, stepping forward to rest his head on Ryan's shoulder.
He's covered in sweat. His singlet is practically drenched in some parts, and he reeks. But Naim still wraps his arms around his middle, nosing further into Ryan's neck. Even after being around each other 24/7 for months now, it still feels new and exciting every time one enters a room to meet the other.
Ryan has a job now. He's a tradie, his skill to pay attention during woodworks actually paying off. Naim has a job too, but its a lot less hours than Ryan, just the odd shift packing shelves at the Coles down the street. Neither of them work full time, the anxiety of being apart for that long, continuously, hasn't eased enough for them to be able to.
But Ryan isn't wrong when he says they don't have to check every time anymore. The entity, despite the warnings they were given, has grown more placid. It's still there, it still watches from a distance—It's probably looking at Naim from the window right now— and it gets close whenever they are left alone. But it isn't so angry.
"How was your day?" Ryan speaks into Naim's hair.
Naim grunts in response, tightening his grip around Ryan. It was too hot to be close like this, but neither complained.
"Boring mostly" Naim's voice comes out muffled in Ryan's neck.
Ryan chuckles at the feeling, his hands coming up to rest at the nape of Naim's neck. He presses a kiss to Naim's head before pulling away to look him in the eyes.
"Did you see it today?" Ryan tips his head to the side. This was routine also.
"Heard it knock at the door, told me it had 'left it's key behind'" Naim rolls his eyes.
"Anything else happen?" Ryan's hand comes up to Naim's cheek.
His hand is cold, and rough. Ryan has always been cold, well not always. Naim remembers when they first started 'hanging out', Ryan's touch burnt. Even through his layers of clothing, it felt scalding against his skin.
But ever since It happened, Ryan's always felt cold. In a way, it made it easier, to feel and accept his touch.
"No, I didn't say anything to it and it eventually went quiet… No pounding on the door or yelling to try and convince me" Naim melts into Ryan's hand. "What about you?"
"Fucking exhausting—But you didn't show up so, not too bad" Ryan grins, finally separating from Naim to walk into their kitchen.
"I don't like it when you call it me, that thing is not me" Naim groans, following behind like a lost puppy.
He never calls his Ryan. He thinks if he gave it a name, Ryan's name, then it would taint it for him. He likes saying Ryan's name, it slips off his tongue easy.
Ryan just laughs, he laughs a lot. At shows they watch, at Naim when he stutters, or his ears turn pink. Even at kids who fall over on the street, that laugh is one he tries to hold in but always fails. Naim likes his laugh. He thinks he likes everything about Ryan.
"What am i meant to call it hm? Naim Junior?" Ryan grabs a cup from their cupboard.
"No— You're such a dickhead" Naim crosses his arms, looking to the side.
He can hear the tap run, then Ryan gulp back the whole cup of water. Still he looks away, he needs Ryan to know he's annoyed right now.
"And you're so easy to rile up" He can hear the grin Ryan wears.
"Am not" Naim huffs.
Ryan appears beside him, wrapping his arms around Naim's shoulders. Now, Naim is supposed to be annoyed, but he's forgetting exactly why that is.
"You are, but it's okay" Ryan's head appears beside Naim's, laying a soft kiss on his cheek.
"I'm annoyed at you right now" Naim attempts, but the words come out soft, and he cant help but sink into Ryan's touch.
Ryan's touch which is gentle, so gentle it almost hurts. Naim doesn't think he deserves this, not after what he's done. But Ryan forgave him, he forgives him every day that he returns to their shabby little apartment, and holds his lighter under his skin to prove it's him.
Naim can't help it when his mind starts to spiral as soon as Ryan leaves for work. Every thought turns back into one, what if he doesnt come back home this time?
"Mm, are ya now" Ryan speaks into Naim's cheek, he can feel his smile. Ryan always comes back, and Naim's starting to believe he always will.
"Fuck off" Naim wriggles from Ryan's grasp, leaning back against the kitchen bench.
His eyes drift to the window. He wishes they lived on one of the upper floors, maybe then it wouldn't stand outside. All it does is stare.
He knows it's because Ryan's here, theres nothing the entity can do, he isn't alone. But sometimes it does this even when he is alone. And it almost looks, guilty.
"Naim?" Ryan's voice snaps him back.
"Yeah?" He blinks quickly, trying to get the image out of his head.
"Did you see it?" The softness in Ryan's voice causes bile to rise in Naim's throat.
What did he do to deserve this? He hates how much he loves it. How much he never wants this to go away, how he's almost grateful they have to stay together because of this thing.
"Uh, yeah.. It's nothing, just staring at us" Naim thinks he knows why it looks guilty. It's exactly how he feels now as he looks up at Ryan's eyes, rounded and full of care.
"It can't get to you" Ryan's hands rest on Naim's shoulders, gripping the slightest bit.
"I know" Naim can't help but look back at the window. It's still staring, but it's hand is up on the glass now.
"I'm here, so it can't get you. You're safe, just look at me" Ryan turns Naim's head with his hand, leaving his hand resting on the lower part of his face.
Ryan smiles softly when Naim's eyes meet his.
Naim didn't ever want to look away from his eyes. When Ryan looked at him he felt holy. He felt like he was someone who deserved to be treated with such care.
"What do you want for dinner tonight hm?" Ryan's eyes flick over Naim's face, searching for lingering anxiety.
"Uh, dunno, we could pick up something?" Naim takes a deep breath, attempting to shake away all his doubt, that this is all real.
"Hungry Jacks?" Ryan smirks, because he already knows the answer.
"Fuck no, I don't get how you eat that crap" Maybe he's a little dramatic. It's really not that bad, but the way Ryan laughs whenever Naim rolls his eyes and scoffs makes him want to do it more.
It's fun being with Ryan. It's taken Naim months to really settle with that fact, and what it means. Being with Ryan is so much fun, it makes him forget why they ran away to Melbourne in the first place.
Not that he ever really forgets. But small moments like these, make him think about what they'd be like if their life was normal.
He thinks about it when he follows Ryan to the bathroom, sitting in the corner as he showers. Ryan sings in the shower, something Naim didn't expect. It's always whatever his playlist goes to when he hits shuffle—Sometimes Ryan will open the shower door and serenade Naim. He gets water all over the floor every time he does.
And Naim tries to feign annoyance, he really really tries. Because it makes the floor slippery, and when Ryan goes to step out of the shower he nearly always slips. There's no way in hell, that he's losing Ryan to a wet bathroom floor.
But it's impossible when Ryan's just so, Ryan. He wakes up naturally before Naim, and always makes them both breakfast before he leaves to work. Naim will always wake up just in time to see him before he leaves—He always tastes like coffee when he kisses him, and Naim hates the taste of coffee. But he loves kissing Ryan, so it always balanced out. If kissing Ryan could solve all of his distastes, he'd kiss him from morning till death. Even if it didn't, he just wanted to be with Ryan forever.
He continues to think about every little thing he's picked up about Ryan these last few months when they start walking around the city. Ryan ended up convincing Naim that Hungry Jack's is the easiest option. So after they eat, Naim forces Ryan to walk around with him.
They walk and walk, until the sun starts to set, and they find a hill. The grass had dried up, crunching underneath their feet as they walk up it. It's barren when they reach the top. No trees or people, just them and the view. It's near the outskirts of the main city, and its just high enough they can see some of the streets full of cars.
"Wanna sit for a bit?" Ryan breaks the silence they had been in, and all Naim does is nod in return.
The grass scratches against Naim's legs, he's certain when he stands back up there will be red marks all over them. But that isn't a problem right now. Later he can groan and complain about the itch the grass leaves behind, but right now he just brings his knees up to rest his chin on them.
"Oh my god— No way" Ryan laughs, causing Naim to turn his head to look at him. What he sees is Ryan digging around the grass, and raising up a pristine joint.
Ryan has this shit eating grin on his face, like he's just struck gold. They hadn't found a dealer here yet, too busy with trying to live as normal lives as possible.
"How'd you even see that?" Naim scrunches his nose.
"I'm attentive, thats how" Ryan gloats, pulling his lighter from his pocket.
"Using big words now are we? I didn't think— what are you doing?" Naim drops his legs, thrown off by Ryan starting to flick on his lighter.
"What does it look like im doing?" Ryan rolls his eyes playfully, continuing to try and get a stable flame.
"Are you seriously going to smoke that? You just found it on the ground— You have no clue what's actually in that" Naim's concerns fall on deaf ears the moment Ryan gets the lighter to spark.
He holds the flame still, practiced like he's done this hundreds of times before, which he probably has. They often got high together back in Bandee. Naim watches Ryan bring the joint to his lips, maintaining eye contact the whole time.
"Doesn't feel laced" Ryan grins as he blows out smoke in Naim's face.
"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" Naim's face twists, as he waves the smoke away.
"Come on, a laced joint wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to us" Ryan leans back, offering the joint to Naim after taking another hit.
Naim sighs, eyes flicking from Ryan's hand to his face. It hasn't taken effect yet, but Naim knows that in a matter of minutes Ryan will be even giddier than he normally is.
"Fine" Naim relents, taking a hit himself, coughing slightly as he blows the smoke out. It had been a while since they'd done this.
"You're so easy" Ryan's grinning from ear to ear at this point.
"And you're a cunt" Naim can't help but grin back.
Ryan closes his eyes, flopping backwards with a breathy giggle. The air begins to cool as the sun continues to set, making the warm fuzzy feeling Naim starts to get more bearable.
They stay like that for awhile, sitting together in silence, passing the joint between each hit. The sounds of cars honking can be heard in the distance, but it reaches them muffled. Up here, they're separate from it all.
That's the one thing Naim liked about Bandee. It was quiet, and there were multiple open places that were left untouched. It felt extremely isolating, but it also felt comforting in its own way.
"I think we need to re-stock on lighters" Naim randomly blurts out, his mind replaying Ryan struggling to get his to hold a flame.
"We have like, twenty, i think we're fine for now" Ryan sits up, stretching his arms above his head.
"Yeah but—" Naim cuts himself off, looking down at his palms in his lap.
"But?" Ryan prompts him to continue.
Naim opens and closes his fingers a few times, feeling how they move, how they tense up and loosen off. Maybe it's just cause he's high, but his body feels sluggish, like he's trapped in molasses.
"I don't know what i was saying" Naim looks up at Ryan, who scrunches his face before laughing, his shoulders bouncing lightly.
"I always know when you're high because of how dumb you get" Ryan shakes his head.
Naim tries to rebut, but his tongue feels heavy, and his eyes start to water without his permission. He doesn't even know why, but he's suddenly brimming with dread and guilt.
The sun bounces off of Ryan's skin, it makes him look unreachable. Like if Naim were to lean forward to touch, he would just phase right through him. He remembers a time when that was true. When Naim first moved to Bandee.
He and Ryan moved past each other like two ships in the night, they were both headed in different directions, they were never meant to collide.
"I can hear you thinking" Ryan tips his head back, he's been hogging the joint for a few minutes now.
"Shut up" Naim mutters, vision hazing over.
Ryan flicks his eyes to meet Naim's. His grin slowly dropping the longer he looks. Naim hates it, hates how much Ryan sees through him.
"What's wrong?" Ryan shifts, fully turning his body to face Naim.
"Nothing, I'm just— It's just the weed, thats it" Naim curls in on himself.
"Don't lie, come on" Ryan pokes Naim's cheek.
Naim swipes his hand away, sighing and turning to face Ryan also.
"I just.. I don't get why you forgave me" Naim mumbles into his arm.
"For what?" Ryan's eyebrows scrunch together.
Naim looks up through his lashes, flicking his eyes away for a second to gain his words. "I screwed us, like, for life. I wouldn't forgive it if someone did that to me"
"It's really not that bad" Ryan shrugs.
"There are things that no one else can see, that are actively trying to kill us. Tell me how that isn't so bad, Ryan" Naim wishes he could be as casual as Ryan sometimes.
He knows it effects Ryan. He's seen it effect Ryan when he refuses to sleep at night, holding his hand over Naim's just so he can know they're safe. When they were hopping from motel to motel, struggling to stay afloat, Naim saw how Ryan was always looking over his shoulder.
As if in sync, when Ryan started to breathe easy, the entity's became easier to avoid. Naim knows theres probably a connection, somehow. But he's been too wrapped up to really dissect it.
"Look around, do you even see it right now?" Ryan twists his body to look all around the hill. "Cuz, i don't see mine, i haven't seen your evil twin the whole day"
Naim sighs at yet another nickname Ryan's given the entity. But he looks around also, and finds he doesn't see anything. It's only him and Ryan, the real Ryan, right now.
"They've calmed down, you've said so yourself. I don't think we have to worry about it jumping us anytime soon" Ryan takes another hit, the joint getting close to being all used up now.
"But what if it doesn't stay like that? We have no fucking clue what these things are capable of" They've discussed this before.
Sometimes they get stuck in a loop. Planning escape routes, what to do if the entities get stronger, get better at tricking them. It runs through Naim's head constantly.
"Then we figure out how to deal with it. I've forgiven you Naim, you don't need to keep beating yourself up" Ryan sighs, and Naim doesn't have a response.
So they fall back into silence. The cars become fewer and farther in between. The streetlights began to flicker on, and the temperature drops significantly. Still they both just sit there, feeling the dry grass rub against their legs and the palm of their hands.
Naim steals a few glances at Ryan. He thinks he's being quick about it, but when he catches Ryan staring right back at him, he registers he had definitely been painfully obvious.
Ryan lets him stare, lets him take his time to process everything on his own. Sometimes Naim's words entirely give out on him, and he doesn't speak for a while. Sometimes it's a few hours, and other times it's whole days. Ryan never pushes, he never expects anything, he just let's Naim exist in the way he needs to.
"Do you believe in god?" Ryan asks out of no where.
"Where did that come from?"
"Just realised i never asked"
Naim swallows, thinking over what he could say in his head. He's never been asked if he believes before, just expected to.
"I don't really believe in God. My mums like psycho for it now though..I think it started just before my dad died" Naim doesn't get it.
He understands the concept of God itself. He can't even really be certain when he says he doesn't believe in it, because just last year he wouldn't have believed in blood thirsty entities. So he understands believing in something despite not being able to see it. He believes it when he sees Ryan thrown around by seemingly air.
No, its not that part he doesn't understand. It's why he has to be, and act a certain way in order to be deemed true to his faith. Why things he can't control, makes him seen as a traitor.
Right now as he's sitting on the grass, feeling the blades between his fingers, and the wind on his back.
Right here, watching Ryan's hair blow minutely, the remaining sunlight casting a ring of light around his head like a halo. The pink on his nose that always appears when its the tiniest bit cold, and the flush on his cheeks that seems constant. If God we're real, then every single thing here would be one of his creations.
The joint that Ryan's twisting between two of his fingers, the smell that it causes to linger. The heavy feeling of his own limbs, the dryness of his mouth, and the urge he feels. The urge to crash forward into Ryan's lips—An urge he listens to—Right here with Ryan, is the closest to God that he would ever be.
"Kind of figured" Ryan smiles as they separate, not even questioning why Naim's suddenly kissed him.
Because thats normal now. They can do that, out in the open where anyone could see them. It's still scary, theres still people who stare, confused by two boys walking so close together. But they also see people like them, out and open.
Naim sees the shock on Ryan's face every time they pass another couple like them. Naim had lived in the city, he knew what existed, Ryan only ever saw Bandee.
"What about you?" Naim slumps his body into Ryan's, leaning his head on his shoulder.
"Nah, don't believe in that shit" Ryan rests his head on top of Naim's. "Don't need God when i have you"
The words settle into Naim's bones, twisting around them tight enough they wont ever dare to leave. Ryan was something he could see, feel, and hear. Ryan was real, and right here, and no matter how they got here, he's all Naim needs as well.