Chapter Text
“in potions,” crewel began, “everything must be precise. not a millilitre off, not a gram off, else the potion be ruined. potions is all about accuracy, all about exact measurements, so i expect you all to listen,” he cracked his whip on the bench beside him, startling a scarabia first-year student awake. beside you, grim lay on his stomach, stretching and yawning, grunting and glaring up at deuce as he was nudged awake. “you!”
“s-sir!”
“tell me about the drink-me potion.”
“the—the drink-me potion, sir?”
you could see the professor struggling to stay calm.
“right, let’s ask a first-year student from heartslabyul. they should be familiar with this potion,” crewel barked, pointing his whip at ace beside you. “trappola! explain to the class what the drink-me potion does.”
“it—uh, it was a potion that’s associated with the queen of hearts legend… not directly, but—”
“get to the point.”
“r-right, um—the drink-me potion made the girl shrink in size, she needed to go through the door to reach the garden…” ace began, “she drank every last drop of it and shrunk to around ten inches after fi—”
“that’s enough, thank you, trappola,” crewel cut in again, “and we will be making an alternative of this potion. turn to page 248 of your textbooks and we will be making the potion in the book. the drink-me potion can be very useful today, however the technique is far too advanced for you insolent pups.”
“so when are we making them, sir?” someone in the back called out.
“do not interrupt me!” he barked, “the drink-me potion requires this as prerequisite knowledge. the de-aging potion is also rumoured to be used by the fairest queen, however we all know that she used a transformation spell, and not a potion, and this is not spells class.” he headed back to the table at the front, eying every student. “you have all your ingredients in the cupboard. you’ll be working in pairs for this exercise. i expect you all to follow the instructions and every measurement for this exercise—the consequences for you pups are disastrous.”
silence.
“there’s so much fruit!” grim stared, reaching for the pie, “who knew potions would be fun!”
“it’s not for eating!” deuce scolded, holding him up by the scruff of the neck as he squirmed,
“and obviously, there’s tonnes of food. the girl said that it tasted like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, hot buttered toast, all mixed up.”
“why?”
“how am i supposed to know?!”
“i didn’t think it would be this literal,” you muttered, equally in disbelief, “i thought the ingredients would be more…”
“exotic?” grinned deuce, “nah. this is just a basic potion—”
“so you should not mess it up, spade,” crewel spoke suddenly from behind him, the first-year flinching.
“s-sir!”
“[reader],” he spoke to you next, “how much does your beaker currently hold?”
“huh?” you squinted at the beaker, “450mL.”
“and is that enough?”
you turned back to the book, swearing under your breath as crewel moved up the stairs to the next few pairs.
“keep an eye on it, grim,” you said over your shoulder as you hurried down the stairs to the storage cabinet. grim huffed, hopping up onto the desk to observe the book before grabbing the toffee extract, uncorking the bottle and beginning to dump it into the cauldron.
beside him, ace stared.
“dude, the book says not to add that much, what are you doing?!” he hissed, “he spent like twenty minutes at the beginning of class!”
“you actually listened?” he scoffed, continuing to drain the contents and avoiding deuce’s attempts to grab him, “since when?”
“i always listen!” ace argued.
“do you?”
“yeah!”
“dude, at least wait for [reader] to come back with the beaker!”
“why wait?”
“because—”
“grim, i’m back,” you announced, shifting the beakers onto the table and shuffling back into your seat as crewel continued his lecture.
“henchman!” he greeted.
“is it supposed to be this dark…” you muttered, frowning as you leaned over the potion slightly, “crewel’s example isn’t this dark, grim, what did you do…?”
“it’s also supposed to be light blue at that stage,” muttered deuce, eying the mauve-coloured potion.
“i added the whole bottle!” he stated proudly, puffing up his chest as you glanced over him in slight horror.
“wha—why…”
“because!”
“we tried to stop him, [reader],” ace had the decency to try—keyword being try—to mask his horrified expression with a smidge of sympathy, “just put the blame on grim!”
“wha—don’t do that!”
“[reader] had nothing to do with this!”
“didn’t they? they put me in charge!”
“i—i didn’t…” you tried, turning to hover over the cauldron, frowning slightly as it began to smoke, “hey—hey ace, is it supposed to—”
“why’s it smoking?!”
that’s a no, then.
“w-wait, [reader]—”
“ah?!”
a dark purple cloud exploded from the cauldron, sending you stumbling back into it, coughing, as several students nearby screamed.
“what happened here?” crewel strode to your table in an instant, glowering down at grim who suddenly looked a lot more nervous, “why are you pups making such a ruckus?”
“he added the whole bottle, sir!” deuce announced as grim screeched in indignation, “i—we—ace and i—a-and [reader]—tried to tell him not to, sir.”
the first-years could almost hear a pin drop.
“and where has [reader] gone?”
ace silently pointed to the smoke cloud.
crewel sighed, coughing as he cleared the smoke.
“[reader], hey, you oka—woah.”
“u-um…?”
your uniform was far too large for you now, your coat rippling around your now tiny body—you couldn’t be more than a ruler taller than grim now, glancing up at the now much taller students who were gaping down at you.
ah.
shit.
“what the fuck,” ace breathed.
“class dismissed!” he barked, “and grim! see me in my office. now!”
“but—”
“now!”
“professor, what about [reader]…” deuce asked weakly.
“is that even [reader]…” ace eyed you warily.
“who else would it be, man?”
crewel sighed.
“leave the pup with me. i’ll see what i can do.”
“you actually came…” azul marvelled, “i didn’t think you would.”
“the headmaster said it was urgent, ashengrotto,” malleus spoke evenly, “i would have had lilia come in my absence, but he stressed that it must be the housewarden, and he is currently ill.”
“what, the bat eat one of those horrid concoctions of his?” snorted leona.
“actually, kingscholar, he—”
“not interested.”
malleus inhaled.
“to nobody’s surprise, idia isn’t here,” muttered riddle before malleus could respond, taking a seat beside leona.
“i am here!” came the indignant cry from the ipad.
“you should be here in person! what example are you setting for your dorm—”
“it’s just the housewardens,” vil exclaimed tiredly, “what example does he need to set, and for who?”
riddle’s face burned bright red as kalim laughed.
“we have an emergency!” crowley cried, bursting through the doors as you hurried behind him, barely keeping up.
“we heard,” leona said flatly, “now get to the point, some of us have things to do.”
“what do you have to do?” riddle frowned.
“none of your business,” leona yawned.
“we have a very big—well, small—emergency,” he announced again, lifting you up under the arms and displaying you as you blinked back at six bewildered expressions.
“you have a kid?” leona frowned, “since when?”
“you kidnapped a child?” vil asked at the same time.
“i do no—kidnap?! my goodness, schoenheit—”
“wait a minute,” leona frowned, leaning forward despite himself, “why does the kid smell like the herbivore?”
“that’s [reader]?!”
“how old are you?” malleus asked curiously, watching as you held up five fingers proudly, “i see.” he turned to crowley with a frown. “how does this happen?”
“the first-years were making the de-aging potion,” crowley grimaced, “grim added too much—ah, what was it—toffee extract.”
“of course it was the furball,” muttered leona.
“too much toffee extract shrinks you?” azul muttered to himself.
“clearly,” muttered vil.
“i like your mask!” you gasped, staring up at crowley who stumbled over his words.
“oh,” was all he managed, “thank y—”
“it’s weird and ugly!”
a series of poorly-disguised snickers circled around the table.
“you have a tail!” you gasped, turning to leona who froze in his seat.
“the ipad’s flying!” you continued, turning to idia’s tablet, squirming out of crowley’s grip, “does it have games?”
“i—well—” idia stammered.
“horns!” you gasped, pointing at malleus. you gasped again as he stared blankly back at you.
“are you a dragon?” he opened his mouth to speak. “are dragons real?!”
“well, actually, i—”
“they do look a lot like [reader],” kalim awed, “hey, [reader]! come sit on my lap!”
“okay!”
“k-kalim—” vil stuttered.
“they look a lot like [reader], don’t they?” he laughed as you stumbled into his lap, standing shakily and gripping his shoulders for support, “wow, you’ve got a strong grip, dontcha?”
“mhm!” you beamed down at him.
“i agree that this—” riddle eyed you warily, motioning to you vaguely, “—calls for an emergency, but why are the other students not informed?”
“the only other students aware of this are the ones in their potions class,” crowley spoke, “and i have an idea for you housewardens!”
“this always ends well,” muttered vil.
“i will pretend i did not hear that!” he continued, “although you are all wonderful mages, and wonderful hu—uh, students—you barely have any real world experience!”
“i don’t like where this is going,” muttered idia.
“in the real world, you will have to interact with many individuals, no matter the species, or the—wait for it—the age!” he nodded sagely to himself, “so, the staff and i have come up with the bright idea for you all to babysit [reader] here until crewel finishes the antidote!”
“you’re joking, right?” idia said finally, “is he for real? i mean, look after a baby—”
“[reader] is not a baby,” malleus corrected, “[reader] is now five years old.”
“—okay, man, same thing, they’re a child, how—what the hell are we supposed to even do, lol, none of us have any experience…”
“and that is why you will gain experience with [reader]!” crowley nodded.
“i can’t be the only one seeing fifty different things wrong with this image,” he muttered, “dude, babysitting is one thing, but babysitting [reader] is another.”
“how so?” malleus frowned as idia spluttered, “i am sure there are many books and videos giving advice on this sort of thing.”
“dude, this isn’t something you can just find in a book!”
“isn’t it?” riddle frowned, “how else do parents parent?”
“i don’t think you’re one to talk,” muttered azul.
“what was that, azul?”
“nothing, riddle.”
“ahem!” crowley coughed, “so! here’s how this is going to go. each dorm will spend a week—”
“a week?!”
“—with [reader], looking after them. they’ll accompany you to classes—mostly with the first-years, but they can accompany the other students in the dorm with your permission.”
“where will they stay?” frowned vil.
“that is up to you, but they must stay in your dorms. ramshackle is no place for a child!”
“and what about clubs?” kalim raised his hand.
“also up to you!” he beamed.
a chorus of groans went around the table.
“is this permanent?” malleus interrupted, silencing the table.
“crewel is making an antidote,” he responded, “but it may take some time for him to find the ingredients and make the potion. though, i can’t say this has happened before, so…”
“so there’s a chance of failure,” grunted leona.
“wonderful,” muttered azul.
“any questions?” crowley glanced around.
“i want to find a rope,” muttered idia.
“that’s dark,” vil raised a brow at the tablet.
“right. first—” he plucked you from kalim’s grip (“aw, man”) and handed you to riddle who instantly stiffened, “the lucky first dorm is heartslabyul!”
“hello!”
“hello, [reader],” he muttered stiffly, desperately trying to ignore his fellow housewardens’ snickers, “how are—um—”
“well? what are you waiting for?” crowley raised his cane, tapping it twice on the ground, “head back to whatever you were doing before! riddle, any questions, come and see me or one of the teachers.”
“i’ll keep it in mind,” he sighed, standing as he grabbed his own cane and awkwardly placed you on the ground, “come, [reader]. i’ll show you to the hall of mirrors, and we can head to the heartslabyul dorm from there.”