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“Ah, don’t worry. I trust you!”
Trust.
A concept full of contradictions; unshakable to a fault and yet just as frail as a moment of genuine happiness – and just as precious.
It’s a dangerous thing to keep for someone who built his life on control. Something that needs to be earned. Deserved – and Lu Guang doesn’t.
Never did. Never will.
And yet, yet it’s being offered to him so freely, accompanied by an easy grin that makes his heart stumble and ache and long and suddenly, he can’t breathe. Can’t pretend. Can’t hold it between his shaky fingers anymore. The blind faith of the person he treasures most.
“You shouldn’t.” Lu Guang’s voice is hollow; dull.
His fingers that are threaded into Cheng Xiaoshi’s dark hair come to a sudden halt and the weight on his chest increases when his partner leans back his head to study his face, a silent question written all over his face.
The carefree grin is changed for a more subtle smirk, but he still doesn’t look too bothered. If anything, he seems rather curious, splayed out halfway on the couch, halfway on Lu Guang, back leaning casually against his upper body as if he’s a piece of furniture.
According to Cheng Xiaoshi, it’s by far the most comfortable place in this house; a notion that usually fills him with warmth, but now, it only brings a sickening feeling to his guts.
“Hey, what’s up with that sudden gloominess…?” Cheng Xiaoshi reaches out as if he wants to give his forehead a subtle flick, but he catches his wrist mid-air, eyes darting towards the side.
“Don’t.” Lu Guang releases his hand in favor of pushing him off his chest. Not with much force, but there’s enough firmness within to show that he means it. “Just – don’t.”
He shifts his position, sitting on the couch with his palms stretched out in front of him.
They’re shaking. Remember the sticky weight of blood.
“What do you mean?”
Trust me, he thinks, tasting the heavy bitterness of guilt on his tongue.
Lying to Cheng Xiaoshi has become second nature. A habit, born out of the necessity to keep things in control. Especially with someone as unpredictable as his partner, a single wrong word could lead to a downfall and he knows. He knows so damn well, but still, this time, he got weak to the thought of keeping him close; closer than he ever allowed before.
Lu Guang knew right from the start that it was dangerous; stupid; wrong. A dead-end that couldn’t lead anywhere, but somehow, he wasn’t strong enough to push him away anymore. Resist the urge for something whose mere existence he has been denying himself to acknowledge from the very beginning, but no matter how hard he tried, the longing in his heart never faded. Not even in the slightest.
So this time, when Cheng Xiaoshi seeked his company over and over again, stepping into his personal space as if it was his to obtain all along, he took a chance and allowed that line to be crossed, just this once. Or at least that‘s what he has been telling himself, but one cautious kiss turned into another and soon, things spun out of control.
There were forehead kisses and pecks to the nose; sweet kisses, tasting like smiles and sugared milk tea; salty kisses, easing the weight of falling tears; hungry kisses, brimming with passion and lust. And everything in between. Tender gazes and goosebump touches and words of affection and genuine laughter and long embraces and morning cuddles and whispers and moans and the comfortable silence afterwards.
Each and every time, he could‘ve said no. Should‘ve said no, but after all of his failures, the nightmares and despair, he just wasn‘t strong enough to walk away from this. Not with the memory of Cheng Xiaoshi dying right in his arms so fresh in his mind. It was a new thing to happen, another memory to haunt his mind forever and maybe that was just another something that made him weak. Gave him a reason to justify his behaviour. If he kept him close like this, it might improve his chances. Allow him to keep an even closer eye on the man he mustn‘t lose, make him happy even, in all the ways he deserves and oh, he seemed so damn happy with things being like this… that‘s what Lu Guang has been telling himself at least, over and over again.
Another addition to the endless pile of lies and guilt that he wears like a cross on his back. A weight that crushes down on him now with full force.
Lu Guang clenches his palms to fists.
“You shouldn’t trust me.” It’s a firm judgement that doesn't allow any objections.
“Lu Guang – ”
“This was a mistake.” Stone-faced, he gets to his feet. Doesn't spare Cheng Xiaoshi a single glance. He needs to get out of here. Now.
“Hey! What’s suddenly got into you?” Within a heartbeat, there's a hand on his shoulder; a familiar weight holding him back. If he'd turn around to face him, he'd probably see traces of fear underneath the obvious confusion.
Lu Guang opens his lips. Closes them to form a straight, bloodless line. Hardens himself, inside and outside.
“We should end this.”
His voice is firm; a solid wall with no attack surface. No chance to get inside.
“You – what?” It hits him out of nowhere; a bullet aimed straight at Cheng Xiaoshi’s weakest spot and if he dared to look at him now, he'd see that fear turning into solid panic.
Lu Guang meets him with silence. It's cruel. Heartless even.
But what else is he supposed to do? There's no way to explain this. No way to set this right. All he can do is destroy it before causing even more harm.
It's the unavoidable consequence of his selfishness.
“Hey! What the fuck is suddenly wro – ”
“Everything.” Lu Guang cuts him off without any further explanation. “Just leave it.” Digging his nails into his palms, he forces himself to move. Walk away without another word. They’ll only do more harm.
The protest comes just as immediately as it is expected. “Wha - hey! Stop, you can't do this!” Desperation carries Cheng Xiaoshi’s words as he reaches out to catch up to him once more. Hardens the grip on his shoulders, but this time, Lu Guang pushes him away. Literally.
“I said leave it! You wouldn't understand it anyway.”
Raising his voice is a rarity and he can’t tell what surprises Cheng Xiaoshi more: the firm push or his tone. Brown eyes stare at him in utter shock and it takes everything of Lu Guang to keep sticking to his necessary resolve. Choke on the apology that wants to spill from his lips so badly and meet his counterpart with rejection instead.
“Then try to explain it to me! You can't just act like a total dick out of nowhere and expect me to do nothing about it!” More despair seeps through the cracks of Cheng Xiaoshi‘s anger, garish like crimson ink.
It‘s painful to listen, painful to watch, but Lu Guang turns away in silence. Has to turn away.
“Lu Guang, hey! I'm talking to – ”
“I messed up, okay? I messed up everything.” The words spill from his lips without his consent, drawn out by the hand on his shoulder that keeps trying to hold him back. They are bitter and cracked and pathetic, but now they‘re out and he can‘t hold it in anymore. Everything that he tried to keep in from the very beginning.
“This wasn't supposed to happen! You were never supposed to – “ Like me. Hold me. Kiss me. Touch me. Want me. Love me. Lu Guang shakes his head. Shakes these foolish thoughts away. “I’m a hypocrite. A liar. The last person on this planet you should trust." Agitated, he flexes the fingers of his right hand. “But this will end now. And it won‘t happen again." Lu Guang meets his partner with grimest determination, sealing it as a promise that mustn't be broken.
“What the hell are you talking about?" Anger spills from Cheng Xiaoshi’s lips, but the glistening in his eyes betrays what lingers underneath. It's a sight fitting to shatter a heart. “I know you like to act all mature and wise, but I just don‘t get it! What is – "
“You died, idiot!" It cuts through the room like a blade, slicing each and every seal he wrapped around his secrets with deadly precision. It's like opening Pandora's box, unleashing all the destructive truths hidden within.
“Once, twice, countless times! And ever since, I‘ve been going back to the start over and over again, trying to make this right, but I never could! And now, I messed up everything, just because I was weak and pathetic enough to – allow this…“ The last sentence comes in a broken whisper and he focuses on his own palm, clenching it slowly to a fist as he makes a resolve.
“Goodbye. Don‘t come looking for me." He forces his gaze up to meet the source of his unforgiving failures. “I promise to make it better next time. This won‘t happen again.“
“Lu Guang!“
Without taking a single glance back, he dashes towards the front door. Rips it open in a smooth movement. The sound of quickly approaching steps follows close by, but he slams the door shut before Cheng Xiaoshi can follow, using the weight of his body to keep it sealed.
“Lu Guang!” His partner’s voice is muffled, just like the punch that’s being thrown. “Open the damn door!”
He doesn’t. Instead, he aims for his key to lock Cheng Xiaoshi inside. Buy valuable time to flee. Just like the coward that he is.
More punches are being thrown, but Lu Guang doesn’t say a word. Doesn’t hesitate. Follows step after step until the key is back in his pocket and his legs carry him away at running speed.
If he dared to stop and think for a single second even, he’d probably fall apart.
It’s the roof of an abandoned brick building that eventually brings him to a halt. The view is spectacular in a sunset and him ending up here, of all places, must be another proof of his foolishness.
Dark eyes were sparkling with childlike excitement each and every time he showed Cheng Xiaoshi the place; always a first time for his partner and a pleasant repetition for him, although some things always differed. The words Cheng Xiaoshi used to describe the scene; the things he’d show him in the distance; the reaction Lu Guang would receive. A grin, a pat on the shoulder, a ruffling through his hair.
This time, he hasn’t shown it to Cheng Xiaoshi yet. Kept it to himself like a secret treasure, waiting for the right moment to appear. A promise of a sweet moment of happiness where everything would be perfect and nothing hurt.
How utterly naive and idiotic.
Lu Guang supports himself against a pillar, forcing his breath to a steady rhythm. The bricks feel cold underneath his palm and he wishes there was a hand to hold instead, warm and supportive.
The selfishness of his own thoughts makes him grit his teeth, hand moving to spread his fingers across his face in a gesture of self-contempt.
Suddenly, the weight of his actions hits him with the force of a sledgehammer. Brings him to his knees, fingers shaking miserably as a pathetic sound slips out of his throat. A familiar wave of dread clouds his mind; digs its panic-sharp teeth into his consciousness, turning each moment into a suffocating gasp for air. Panting, he’s staring at his hands. Expects them to turn crimson any moment, air heavy with the sickening smell of blood and despair.
But even when his hands remain pale, the panic won’t ease.
He destroyed everything. Told Cheng Xiaoshi, although he knows it won’t do any good, but how was he supposed to keep quiet? Keep a lie alive that only fulfills a selfish purpose?
Even if he is able to save him, there’d be no future in this. Deep down, Lu Guang always knew. He was just too scared to face the consequences of his reckless actions and now… he has to deal with the aftermath.
Maybe it‘s better this way. A Cheng Xiaoshi who hates him might be easier to keep safe, but it still hurts like a knife in his chest. The prospect of never being allowed to be a part of his world again, but if that is the price for his life, Lu Guang is willing to pay it. He is willing to pay everything in exchange for Cheng Xiaoshi‘s life and in the greater picture, his own happiness seems like a pathetically small thing to give.
Saving him is all he wants and after everything he has done, Lu Guang doesn‘t deserve to dream for more anyway.
After a cruel eternity, the shaking of his body eases. Exhaustion lingers in his bones like a ghost and he wraps his arms around his knees, staring blankly into the distance.
A painfully beautiful sunset stretches across the sky, dyeing the world in warm shades of gold. It matches the tiny specks in Cheng Xiaoshi‘s eyes that remain even when he doesn‘t use his power.
Lu Guang knows that he deserves the crushing ache it brings.
He is aware that he needs to think of something instead of falling into misery. Make a plan and calculate his next steps, yesterday at best, but his mind is occupied by the look on Cheng Xiaoshi‘s face. The crack in his voice. The anger. The tears. The fear.
Being forced to hurt him isn‘t alien to him, but the quality of the pain he caused today hit on a fundamental level. Something that shouldn‘t be forgiven.
Not that he‘d ask for forgiveness in the first place, but –
“Lu... Guang…!“
His own name echoes through the distance like a whisper, impactful like a final verdict. It‘s spoken between two chopped breaths, harboring relief of the most genuine kind.
Lu Guang‘s head shots around in horror intertwined with a twisted way of longing, because his heart recognizes him immediately. Of course, it does.
For a split second, it must be painfully obvious, written all over his face; the bottomless vulnerability hidden inside, unguarded and raw.
Quickly, he wills a blank mask of indifference back onto his face. Guards his expression, his heart, as he hurries back to his feet and braces himself for the pain of having to push him back once again. Hit him where it hurts most.
But the sharp words he places on his tongue never pass his lips. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn‘t let them.
At full speed, he‘s rushing towards him, eyes overflowing with relief, sorrow and something third that comes in a raised fist. The punch isn‘t hard, but stings with desperation. Neither is Lu Guang surprised nor does he try to deflect it.
“This is for running away!” Cheng Xiaoshi declares breathlessly, glaring at him as if he wants to punch him again. Instead, he throws his fists against his chest. “And this is for being such a stupid idiot!” Desperate, he‘s looking up to him, voice strained at the edges. A harbinger for the tears that dwell up in his eyes. “What were you thinking?”
Instead of unleashing more of his anger, Cheng Xiaoshi wraps him into his arms. Presses him tightly against his body as if he‘s scared to lose hold of him.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why?” The accusation is clad in sorrow and he can feel the trembling of Cheng Xiaoshi‘s body, helpless to his relentless kindness.
How could he have thought, for a single second even, that it‘d turn out to be any other way…? He knows this man.
Knows about his stubbornness. Recklessness. Loyalty. The eternal benevolence he carries in his heart; to a fault.
Motionless, Lu Guang sinks into his warmth, torn between what is right and what feels right.
He wants to hold him close. Embrace the shape of his body and fall into the safety he provides, but he shouldn‘t. God knows that he shouldn‘t, but how is he supposed to let go…?
Cautiously, he guides his palms to Cheng Xiaoshi‘s back. Lets them hover, only millimeters away from a touch he shouldn‘t bring to existence. Still, he finds his fingers pressing into the thin fabric of his shirt. Settles into the ease of a heartfelt embrace, although it tears him apart with irredeemable guilt.
“I tried to tell you in the past”, Lu Guang finally answers, because it‘s the least he can do. “But you didn’t listen. If anything, it made things just more complicated.”
“But I could’ve helped you!” Cheng Xiaoshi insists, pulling his head away just to undermine his statement with determined eyes.
Lu Guang shakes his head, defeated. “No. You can’t. This is my mess to take care of.” He tries to bring distance between them. Uses his palms as a shield as he presses them against Cheng Xiaoshi‘s chest, avoiding to meet his gaze. “If you really want to help, you have to remain hidden and I will – make this right. Eventually, I will…” The last part is a quiet mumble to himself. A promise he has to cling to.
“What are you talking about? Why are you acting like you’re all alone in this?” Frustration seeps through his words; solidifies in a firm grab of Lu Guang‘s shoulders.
“Because I am!“ he shoots back, nerves still raw and bare from the truth he unleashed. “Didn’t you listen? You died! Over and over again and I never – ”
Cheng Xiaoshi‘s arms catch him like a heavy blanket, warm and tight. Drown out all the desperate words that want to stumble out of his mouth without rhyme or reason. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you alone in this,” he whispers sorrowfully into his hair as if the mere thought breaks a piece of his heart. “I don’t know what happened. Or will happen. Or whatever, but I never meant to leave you alone…”
It hits right at his core. Unveils the softest parts of his soul, soothing it with warmth and kindness, although he doesn‘t deserve his care.
“Aren’t you mad at me?” Lu Guang mumbles against the dryness in his throat, deliberately ignoring the tenderness that‘s being offered to him so freely.
A dark head of hair pulls back until he can measure Lu Guang with an intense gaze. “Oh, I am. I’m so damn mad at you, but at the same time – shit, why didn’t you talk to me? Why did you think you must go through this all alone…?”
“Things get complicated when you know. I can predict the future better when I’m on my own,” he explains, avoiding the eye contact in favor of a deep sigh. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. You will most likely forget about this. There’s only two months left and I have accomplished nothing new to save you, and next time…” He swallows the contradicting emotions welling up inside, tasting like shards in his mouth. Then, he forces his gaze back to face Cheng Xiaoshi with determination. “I will keep my distance again.“
“What do you mean?“
Lu Guang dismisses it with a shake of his head. “Don‘t worry about it.“
“Lu Guang! What do you mean? Will you – “ Leave me alone? It‘s written all over his face; every shade of his deepest fears and the pain they evoke in brutal honesty, undermined by the tightening grip on Lu Guang‘s shoulders. A silent plea that tears at his heart.
“I‘ve never – we‘ve never before – friends.“ A deep sigh escapes him and Lu Guang buries his face in the safety of his palm, struggling for the right words. “We‘re supposed to be friends,“ he finally reveals, hoping it‘ll be enough of an answer.
Within an instant, Cheng Xiaoshi‘s expression changes to bewilderment, eyes growing wide as his thoughts seem to ratter at full speed. “You mean – oh.“ For a few moments, his mouth keeps the o-shape as the implication seems to sink in. Under different circumstances, it‘d be an adorable sight, but it‘s soon replaced by a growing frown. “But I don‘t want to be friends!“ he exclaims with child-like defiance. “And I don‘t want to leave you alone in this! Tell me, what can I do?“
It‘s so endearingly predictable, that the idea of a smile forms on Lu Guang‘s lips; small and knowing. “I‘ll need some time to think,“ he offers, knowing deep inside that it‘s just a distraction clad in reassurance. There‘s nothing Cheng Xiaoshi could possibly do.
“I‘ll help you!“ Cheng Xiaoshi insists as if he is aware of his thoughts, grabbing both of his hands to get his point across. “You need to tell me what happens and then we‘ll figure something out! Maybe we can tell Qiao Ling as well! She‘s smart, so I‘m sure she can help and together, we can fix this! And then – “ Cheng Xiaoshi stops mid-sentence as if he realizes how little substance his plan offers. Still, he meets him with stubborn optimism when he promises, “Everything will be fine.“
The smile on Lu Guang’s face deepens, grows into something defeated and eternally sad, but he still finds himself nodding in response. Right now, he doesn‘t have the heart to contradict him. Wants nothing more but to take a rest, even if it‘s just for a tiny moment. Believe in the impossibility of the happy ending that Cheng Xiaoshi paints with so much faith, although he knows better. “Sounds good.“
Cheng Xiaoshi smiles at him with so much unguarded hope that it might break his heart. Reveals a sheepish undertone within and he seems hesitant as if wants to steal a kiss but doesn‘t dare to. Instead, he messes with his hair and before Lu Guang can utter a sound of objection, he finds himself in another deep embrace. “Everything will be alright,“ Cheng Xiaoshi whispers. Seals his words with a soft kiss to his temple.
Lu Guang‘s heart stumbles upon the impact and in a moment of weakness, he allows himself to cling to the man who holds on to him with so much care. Senses the treacherous burning of tears in his eyes and allows them to fall as well. Nods, with honest intention this time, because he wants it to be true so much. And maybe, for this fleeting instant, he can find some trust in Cheng Xiaoshi‘s words, if only a little.
They change for a seated position, hands intertwined as the sun sets in front of them. The orange turned to a darker shade, interlaced with some specks of crimson. The familiar weight of Cheng Xiaoshi’s head rests on his shoulder, calm and soothing.
“How often did it happen?”, his partner in crime and time whispers after a while; the unspoken lines he keeps to himself linger heavily in the air between them. How often did I die?
It’s an automatism for Lu Guang to shake his head. “That‘s nothing you have to worry about,” he reassures calmly, although the number is carved into his memory with merciless precision, accompanied by gruesome details of each and every death. He inhales sharply. Tries to get rid of the nightmarish pictures and keep his breathing under control.
“Lu Guang…" Cheng Xiaoshi deems him with a deep frown as if he's trying to catch the depth of his misery with his gaze alone. Once again, Lu Guang tries to wave it aside with a shake of his head, but it only seems to deepen his partner's concern. He looks horrified, squeezes his hand with soothing intention and doesn't allow him to slip away. Pulls Lu Guang into his arms, never tiring of trying to give him some comfort.
“I‘m so sorry…," he whispers quietly, tearing at his heartstrings.
“What for? You did nothing wrong," Lu Guang wants to reply, but keeps his silence. There's no use in arguing with him and a selfish part inside just wants to bask in the warmth Cheng Xiaoshi provides him so willingly.
“But I won‘t allow you to stay away."
Determination carries his words and he pulls back just enough to pin Lu Guang down with his gaze. Catches him off guard just as much as he catches him in the act, eyes widening at the sudden shift.
“I don‘t care if it‘s just friendship or whatever, but… I won‘t leave you alone in this. No matter what you do, I won‘t. So don‘t even think about it." Cheng Xiaoshi looks at him with dead-serious conviction, fingers wrapping around his upper arms with gentle firmness. “Even if things go wrong, I will find you again and I‘ll – " He bites his lips, suddenly losing the wind in his sails. Leans in to press his forehead against Lu Guang's, sighing in mild frustration, before he reveals, “Fall for your stupid smile all over again. I know that I will." Cheng Xiaoshi encloses his right palm with his gentle hands. Guides it towards the place where his heart is beating in a steady rhythm; a soft pulse vibrating through Lu Guang's fingertips, reassuring and calming.
“My heart will remember. It always has. I know it did. Because when I met you, I just… I knew that I needed to reach out. I couldn‘t explain it myself, but now it‘s starting to make sense. I think a part of me just knew that it‘s you. And I‘m sure it‘s always been like this." He wraps his fingers around Lu Guang's hand; the one that he presses against his own chest. Squeezes as if to add weight to his words. “You don‘t have to love me back", he utters through a strained smile, although the pain is obvious in his eyes; in the soft trembling of his fingers. “But my heart won‘t change. So no matter what will happen, you‘ll never be alone in this. I will always reach out to you. Doesn‘t matter how long it will take."
Bravely, he clings to his smile as if he isn't terrified to the core. Tears down every single last remains of Lu Guang's inner walls, carefully built to protect them both; but against Cheng Xiaoshi's vulnerable genuinity, he is powerless.
“You don‘t know what you‘re talking about, idiot…," he scolds him, tone raspy and raw from the emotions that want to surface. Contrary to the harshness of his words, Lu Guang wraps an arm around his neck, desperate to bring him close. Buries his face in the softness of his hair, the familiarity of his scent, to hide the silent trail of tears running down his cheeks.
He expels a deep breath. Hesitates as the world seems to come to a halt, waiting for his next move. Slowly, Lu Guang pulls back. Retreats only a few centimeters until their eyes can meet. Finds love and kindness and a glistening of hope within, unguarded and vulnerable.
Out of an impulse, he draws a thumb over Cheng Xiaoshi‘s cheek. Catches a tear, soft and warm to the touch. Can‘t help but to think how unreal this man seems and the longing in his heart rises to nearly unbearable heights.
Finally, he is brave and foolish enough to lean in. Indulges himself in a moment of happiness, heart fluttering in response like a butterfly allowed to escape its cage made of glass. The taste is bittersweet; salt mingling with the naive hope for a future where this can persist. Survive.
He needs to cling to that hope with all of his heart.
They keep kissing until despair settles in, neither willing to give up the soft connection of their lips. As if breaking apart would seal the end and he realizes that maybe Cheng Xiaoshi is just as desperate for this as he is.
When the sun has nearly set, he finds the comfort of Cheng Xiaoshi‘s head resting in his lap. It‘s peaceful; the whirlwind of emotions has died down and made room for comfortable silence.
A state Lu Guang thought to have destroyed forever.
Gently, he runs his fingers through Cheng Xiaoshi‘s hair. Caresses him to the sound of his exhausted heart, but for once, it‘s not heavy but calm.
“How did you find me?“ Lu Guang mumbles after a while, deeming him with genuine curiosity. It‘s a mystery he hasn‘t figured out yet and he might need to rethink his hiding abilities, depending on its solution.
“I told you, didn‘t I? I‘ll always find you!“ Cheng Xiaoshi grins at him with childlike pride, but mischief lingers within. When Lu Guang just deems him with a questioning frown, he reveals eventually, “...and maaaaybe I used the tracker in your phone charm. Turns out they do work over a greater distance!“
His eyes grow wide. “You – “ He interrupts himself with a deep sigh, massaging the bridge of his nose. It‘s so stupidly simple and yet, he hasn‘t thought of it himself. “Of course...“
“What? It‘s not my fault, you insisted on buying them! And technically, your phone was lost. For me at least,“ Cheng Xiaoshi defends himself as if Lu Guang‘s disappointment is about him.
“It‘s good that we have them,“ he mumbles, lost in his own thoughts. The trackers are a safety measure. An idea brought up by Quiao Ling, who pointed at a dog-shaped phone charm only to tease Cheng Xiaoshi about needing one, considering how often he lost his phone. While they fell into their usual bickering, Lu Guang saw the opportunity in them. Although he would‘ve chosen different designs than the rabbit Qiao Ling picked for herself and the cat she got for him.
“Wait, you – agree?“ Cheng Xiaoshi meets him with exaggerated surprise, to which he just rolls his eyes.
“Don‘t let it get to your head,” he replies, but there lies no heat in his words, only fondness.
They fall back into their comfortable space with ease, mood lightened by the familiarity of their playful bickering, although a certain wistfulness remains, unobtrusive, like a faint echo in the wind. There’s still a lot to unpack and think through, but for now, he just wants to enjoy the serenity of the moment.
“Hey, Lu Guang.” From the tone alone he can already tell that there’s still something on Cheng Xiaoshi’s mind and when he looks down to him, there’s a sheepish smile plastered to his face. He’s not even meeting his gaze, playing with a loose strand on his sleeve. “Thank you for not giving up.” There’s a pause and brown eyes flit towards him, before darting away again. “On us.”
It hits him out of nowhere and Lu Guang is quick to deflect it with a quiet snort, hand reaching out to mess his hair. “Idiot…,” he scolds, but can’t bite back a wistful smile. It’s brimming with affection and it’s ridiculous, really, how easily this man can throw over all of his inner convictions within a single heartbeat.
How utterly naive and foolish of him to think that he‘d be able to give up on this again.
Not with Cheng Xiaoshi in the picture.
Quietly, his smile deepens, but he can’t fully get rid of the pain dwelling within, shaped by countless experiences of failure. Maybe he should be scared; intimidated by the weight of this new responsibility, but if anything, it only strengthens his determination to finally set this right. Once and for all.
It‘s a silent promise he makes to Cheng Xiaoshi. To himself. To them.