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He couldn't find her anywhere.
Juliet wasn't home when James arrived from work. Which was not totally unusual, she could be at Amy's or working an extra shift at the motor pool. But it was definitely not normal, she would've told him something.
It made his heart skip a beat with concern. Sure, she was an adult as much as he was, and she could take care of herself. But it was late and dark outside, he couldn't help feeling like something happened.
He paced nervously around their house and tried not to overreact. He ran a hand through his hair and decided to go out and find her. She wouldn't leave Dharmaville, so she couldn't be far, right?
He checked the motor pool first, the lights were out, no one was there. He knocked on Amy's door, and she said she saw Juliet leaving work earlier than usual, but hadn’t talked to her since morning. He asked Miles and Jin but they also had no idea where she could be.
When he thought he’d looked everywhere for her, he anxiously started imagining the worst-case scenarios. What if the hostiles knew about that brand on her back and kidnapped her or something? No, they couldn't know that. She was careful and there was absolutely no way in hell he would've missed it. He worked at the goddamn security station, for Christ's sake.
He was just about to pick up his radio and call a search and rescue party when he realized there was one place he hadn't looked.
The dock. The place where he asked her to stay for two more weeks. It felt like it was forever ago. How could he forget that?
James saw her the moment he got there. She was sitting with her legs crossed, blonde hair cascaded down her back, glowing in the moonlight. She was wearing only a tank top and jeans, and he wondered if she was cold.
It gave him kind of a deja vu of the first time he found her here. He was grateful she agreed to stay, even though he didn't understand why she did. Because he was sure he hadn't done anything good in his life that could justify him being worthy of her attention and love.
She loved him, and he loved her.
He sighed in relief and walked towards her. “You hidin’ from me, Blondie?”
Juliet turned her head to the sound of his voice and squinted. “James? Hi! Hmm, what’cha doing here?”
He raised an eyebrow and trailed his eyes down to her hands. Her fingers were delicately wrapped around the neck of an empty bottle of Dharma wine.
“Are you drunk?” He got closer and sat beside her.
“Wha-? Nooo,” she hiccuped and frowned, thinking about it. “Yeah, maybe. Yes,” she smiled a little embarrassedly, biting on her fingernail.
Worry started to creep in again. Juliet almost never got drunk. Maybe something did happen, after all.
“Must’ve been a long day. What happened to make you think you'd find something at the bottom of the bottle?” he asked.
She huffed and looked away. “More like what didn't happen.”
He was confused. “And what is it?”
“I… I forgot,” she sniffled, the tip of her nose red. “Her birthday.”
What? “Whose birthday is it?”
“Rachel's,” Oh. “Today's her birthday and I didn't even remember it. She's 40. Or 10. I dunno…” she mumbled, voice thick with emotion and alcohol. “Time travel’s a bitch, right?”
Okay, at least that explained things. God, she must feel terrible, he thought. James knew how much she loved and missed her sister.
He felt like he should've remembered it, considering that he was there to see how sad she was in the last two years on this exact date. But how could he? They'd both been so busy with work in the last weeks that they barely had time to relax. And they spent all of the time they had together, reading and talking and…
“Hey… it ain't your fault,” he reassured her. “You've been workin’ a lot these days and it's normal to lose track of time, especially if you're a time traveler,” he bumped his shoulder against hers, trying to cheer her up. It didn't work, so he continued. “And, hey, you remembered it, didn't ya? Not everything's lost. We can do something for her birthday tomorrow, if ya want to.”
“I just… I miss her so much,” Juliet muttered. “Everyday. And it feels like I'm forgetting things about her. I forgot her birthday today, and I almost can't remember the sound of her voice anymore. She's vanishing.”
He swore he could feel his heart breaking in half at her words. He wanted to take away all her pain. He wanted to bring her back to her sister and her nephew that she never got to meet.
But James couldn't do those things, he didn't know how.
“Do you wanna know what's worse?” She asked with a sad smile, her baby blue eyes fighting back tears that were threatening to spill.
“Hm?”
“I don't even know if I want to see her,” she hiccuped. “See me again.”
“What do you mean?” He asked. She wasn't making sense.
“She's gonna know,” she replied, matter-of-factly.
“Baby, I don't understand. What are you–”
“I'm not the same person that got on that sub years ago, James,” she said quietly. “I'm different. I've done bad things. I've killed, lied… I even locked you and- and Kate in those cages as if you were animals,” she sniffled and started ripping the label off the bottle. “When she sees me, she's gonna know what a horrible person I've become.”
James listened and stared at her stunned. How could she say that? Did she really think that? She really couldn't see what an amazing person she was? She was definitely one of the kindest and most caring people he'd met on this island. Hell, she was probably the nicest person he'd ever met in his life.
“Hey, look at me,” she didn't, so he put his hand on her chin and tilted her head so she could see him. “You and I both know that's not even close to the truth. Okay, you did some things you're not proud of, so what? You had to survive on this craphole island just like everyone else. That doesn't make you horrible.”
Juliet shook her head stubbornly. “No one was holding a gun to my head, James.”
“Maybe they weren't. But you knew, and you know things ain't as black and white as you're painting them to be, Sweetheart,” he said, pulling a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You were just followin’ orders from that bug eyed bastard ‘cause you wanted to protect your sister and go back home to take care of her. No one blames you for that.”
She opened her mouth to argue but he cut her. “And about killin’ Danny? I think you are forgetting a very important part of that story, Blondie. You saved my ass there on that beach, and Kate and Karl too. You shot him ‘cause he was goin’ after us. How's that for a bad person, huh?”
Her eyes searched his face a little dazedly from the Dharma Merlot, her fingers fidgeting with her shoelace. “You really think that?”
“Of course I do! And I know it's true,” he pulled her closer so she could rest her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. “You've been lookin’ out for us since we arrived here in the 70’s, I know you and that big heart of yours care. And, damn, if you're horrible, what does that make me?”
She shook her head again. “You're a good person.”
“Yeah,” he scoffed. She was probably really drunk to be switching their roles like this. She was good, and he wasn't.
“I see you,” Juliet continued, and brought her finger to his chest, pointing right to his heart. “You don't have to pretend. You're good to me. Make me feel so loved.”
James hoped she couldn't feel his heart racing with her words. She wasn't the best at expressing her feelings with words, so he knew her wine loosened tongue was helping her with that. It didn't make him feel any less adored though.
She warmed him up inside. And she thought she was bad.
He felt her shiver with the ocean breeze and decided that both of them had enough of her sad, drunk mumbling. She was cold, and was definitely going to have a hell of a headache tomorrow, so he had to take her home.
“Well, that's probably ‘cause I do love you, Sweetheart,” he planted a kiss on her hairline. “Which's why I need you and that big brain of yours to stop overthinkin’ and let me take you home, okay?” He felt her nodding in his embrace.
He got up and carefully helped her clumsy form to stand, keeping his hands on her forearms to steady her.
“Can you walk?” he asked
“Pfff! Of course I can,” she shook her arms to release herself from his hold. She took one, two, three steps and almost stumbled to the ground again. “Whoa–”
His overprotectiveness took over and he was grateful he was on her side to grab her and prevent her from falling.
“Oh I can see that,” he grinned. “But I'd feel better if ya let me carry you. That okay?”
Juliet gave him a big smile (God, he loved her smile) and threw her arms on his neck. “Ya got me, Lafleurrrr,” she slurred, her face inches from his.
James couldn't help smiling back at her silliness. Yes, she was definitely going to feel terrible tomorrow, but at least he distracted her a little from the thoughts filling her mind earlier.
When she sees me, she's gonna know what a horrible person I've become.
He picked her up and carried her in his front like a baby, making her gasp and giggle loudly.
“Hmmm, you're warm,” she remarked as her body pressed closer to his. She brought her hand to his face, her thumb pressing on his dimple.
“Uh. Thanks, baby,” he snickered, his eyes searching her flushed face, cheeks with dried tears.
He tried to walk her silently to their house, knowing that she would hate it if someone saw her in that drunken state. But she kept slurring nonsense to him and he couldn't hide his amusement. He enjoyed this drunk Juliet, not the sad one sitting on the dock a few steps behind.
When she sees me, she's gonna know what a horrible person I've become.
Once they arrived, he silently thanked himself for leaving the door unlocked. That way he could open it while carrying Juliet.
“Home sweet home,” he announced.
“Mhmm,” she hummed. Her body was getting heavier with exhaustion. He needed to put her in bed.
He took her to their room and sat her in bed. He helped her change her clothes to something more comfortable, which turned out to be an old t-shirt of his.
“I can change by myself, you know?” She giggled. “‘M not a baby.”
“Let me take care of you, will ya?” He smiled gently at her and left for a second to grab a glass of water in the kitchen, making her drink the entire thing.
When he laid down and scooped her from behind, arm around her waist, he heard her content, low hum.
“You alright now, Sweetheart?” He whispered, his lips close to her ear.
She nodded slightly. “Yeah. James?”
“Hm?”
“Thank you.”
When she sees me, she's gonna know what a horrible person I've become.
Her words echoed inside his head the whole time. He realized how there are things deep inside of her that he didn't know about. She had to fight against her own demons, her memories and regrets that haunted and kept her awake at night. She was just like him in that aspect.
He didn't want her to be.
He would do everything he could to remind Juliet how good she still was even after all she had been through and the baggage she carried. Because those things didn't define who she was. She was kind, smart and strong.
He felt her breath soften when she fell asleep, her body relaxed against his. Before he drifted off, James wondered that maybe she was right when it came to him. He could also be a good person. With her, at least. And in the end that's all he cared about.