Archive of Our Own

Kris Dreeumurr was thinking about throwing up. Not literally ABOUT throwing up, it just happened that anything and everything that crossed their mind made them nauseous. This wasn’t unusual. Thinking about vomiting had become a mostly normal part of their day for months or years at this point. It had gotten worse recently though, with all the Dark World business going on. The past few days had been such a twist of emotions that it would've been impossible to not feel it in their stomach. It would be nice to not think about all of those emotions for a little bit, but that was it's own brand of discomfort. When they tried to tune all the thoughts out, get a real silent canvas for their brain, profound guilt hit them. As if they were abandoning all their responsibilities, simply by not constantly scrutinizing them. It was a beautiful cycle of disgust — think too hard, feel nauseous; disassociate from thoughts, feel guilty; restart thinking and feel their stomach begin to churn again. 

Kris rolled over on a bed. More of a mattress -- there were no sheets. There was so much to think about, such an overwhelming amount of thought-information that it stopped any action or details. In the moment, nothing else was of importance. They simply had to lay there, barren and chilled, had to sort through everything one by one and give some attempt to categorize it. The nausea could be disregarded. Not ignored of course -- it was impossible to ignore how bad their stomach ached -- but simply set aside. They knew that they'd never actually thrown up from one of these episodes. Even if they did, it wouldn't matter. What mattered so much more of course was the categorization. The sorting. They could make sense of it all, if they just kept going. Why did so many people have to be surrounding all of this? It felt as if everyone Kris knew in town was slowly being pulled into the darkness. Susie had suggested Noelle join tomorrow, and the only emotion Kris could process from it was nausea. Dark yet darker, everyone was slowly falling into a fountain. How many more would be taken from them? Now with Dad abducted--

Don't... call him... your Dad...

Kris could feel it. Quite an ANGELIC presence, now looming over them. They could always sense the watching, but it was more noticeable when they tried to pry further. You are reading this, aren't you? It feels gross, almost perverted, having someone else control your body. Feeling every nerve as your legs take steps that your brain did not command. It is agonizing, it is fearsome, it is... well, nauseating. So much in this life made Kris feel sick, but still they trudged forward (not like they could stop their own legs). The only thing Kris feared more than someone else in control of their body was themself in control of their own body. Terrified of what they might do unintentionally, or intentionally, or impulsively, or assumed accidentally but actually a suppressed want-- it was easier to be "guided," to use a positive word. Made the guilt feel a little less harsh when they did things they regretted, because it wasn't "them" doing it. That didn't mean that they cooperated with the ANGEL, that wouldn't mean that they would cooperate with YOU. 

They rolled over in bed again. It wasn't the bed in their bedroom, though it was familiar to it. Kris knew that if they opened their eyes then they'd have to confront where they were. Arguably worse, the presence would get to see, and might try to rise out of the bed. A Dark World born out of a half-hearted stubbornness against ending the night there. They couldn't just stop, with a "thanks" from Susie and a door closing that felt way too metaphorical and prophetic to not be taken emotionally.

Kris felt their eye twitch. 

No, there should've been more. There should've been some great ending, or maybe a deep conversation. Ending a day like today could not just be relegated to a few awkward words. It wasn't all about Susie, Kris tried to shake into themself as they turned over again, but maybe it mostly was. There should've been something.

And so there was another Dark World. Kris was honestly surprised that there was enough determination in the lazy stab to their mattress to birth a Fountain, but they had figured out by now that they were more upset than they could tell. They'd never been good at reading themself. Regardless, another Dark World meant that the night wasn't over yet, even if it was only being prolonged to lay motionless in bed. For this exact reason, they didn't open their eyes. The ANGEL would want to turn it into some adventure or exploration, would be curious to discover the new world. Wouldn't you want to keep going, after that ending? That wasn't what this was though. This was the bare minimum to keep it from ending, to pretend that there still could be some sort of resolution to the night. It felt so empty otherwise. 

Kris' other eye twitched too. 

It felt gross to experience emotions. Everything felt gross. Opening Fountains, sealing Fountains. The double-sided aspect of the situation grossed them out. Working with Susie, working with the Knight. The parallels were gross. Being with Susie, being with Noelle. The mirror of it all was gross. Seeing them both together and oh my god they looked happier than they'd ever looked with you and don't you want this for them isn't this good? Oh, the duality! Oh, how gross. Their thoughts got too emotional too quickly and the world behind their eyelids spun. At times, they wanted to wad up the whole human experience and emotions, really reach far down into themself, retch and heave that wad out, and finally vomit it all up. Maybe it would feel relieving, getting it all out of their system for good. The peace that could be achieved when thinking didn't make their skin clammy and damp and writhing.

Maybe.

Maybe, Kris thought. They slid towards the side of their mattress. One eye slowly opened. Through their hair, they saw a trashcan just over the edge of their bed. It was blue, and had a star on it. They stared at the bottom of it. Maybe they could actually have what it takes to finish out the next couple days. If they really. Tried. Reached down. Grabbed all the heavy stuff. And. Retched. It. Out.

...

"Kris?"

They felt a pressure in their throat subside, and coughed quietly.

"Kris?" A gentle patter of footsteps announced a presence at their door. 

They tilted upward, still feeling as though every little movement required a great effort. Their door creaked open a sliver, and a dark fluffy hand poked through. 

"You're in here?"

It was phrased as a question, but Kris knew it was a statement. They didn't understand everything about the situation, but they were sure that the voice asking already knew where Kris was. The door opened, and Ralsei stepped inside.

The goat-monster looked the same as they had an hour ago. Hands clasped together after they left the door handle, in a somewhat religious, somewhat awkward way. Still hadn't taken off the hat and robes that they used in the last Dark World, and so their fur was shaded. Dark fluff poked out around a red scarf, the only garment not bright green. 

They should've felt the same anxiety as they felt earlier, Kris thought. They had same fears and gross feelings about their relations to Ralsei as they did Susie, Noelle, or anyone else they worried about. Scared of hurting them, scared of losing them, scared of so much that they could do that would make everything turn out worse. It should've hit and hurt just the same -- maybe should've been worse, considering how much Ralsei seemed to know. They probably knew that Kris was working against them with the Knight -- evil -- and also how Kris was still trying to help them and Susie -- still evil, just to different people -- and also also everything about the Prophecy -- maybe evil. For an instant, Kris did consider how all of these thoughts SHOULD be boiling up inside them, only worsening the nausea. But none came. Instead, upon actually seeing the fluffy little goat in person, it all became background noise. It felt quiet, just staring at them in the doorway. And quiet in a good way, a strange feeling that Kris didn't often experience. Even shaded in the dark, Ralsei was still so bright, their silhouette seeming peaceful. Calming. Maybe even happy. Cute? Kris hushed the thoughts before they started to feel weird again. 

"I thought I heard you come in."

Intentionally odd phrasing, Kris thought, dancing around the fact that for one, a Dark Fountain had burst from the earth and for two, Ralsei immediately knew how to find them in it. They both knew, and they both knew that they knew. You knew too, and so maybe it was just a bit of a charade to pretend things were more normal than they really were. 

"You look... do you need some alone time?"

They figured it was better they didn't comment on their appearance. Kris hadn't cleaned up, hadn't changed clothes, hadn't eaten more than a snack in three days, and had maybe collapsed into the dirt on their way home. Even more horrifying, it suddenly dawned on them, was the idea that they were talking about the Dark World. They had come from outside, and while Kris wasn't sure how exactly Ralsei moved through and across Dark Worlds, they were sure to have seen some of what Kris had projected into this one. Some sort of deep look into their mind and emotions. It should've felt invasive and gross, but instead they just felt their face redden a bit.

Remembering to respond, they slowly shook their head no. Couldn't muster talking usually, certainly not now. Ralsei slowly moved into the room, accepting the unspoken invitation while they closed the door behind themself. The doorway hadn't let in much light in the first place, but shutting it darkened the room even further. Kris' eyes took a moment to correct, following only the figure of Ralsei until then. Ralsei themself seemed to have no trouble navigating through the shadowed room, weaving around whatever was strewn across the floor easily. They arrived at the bedside just as Kris' eyes adjusted, and knelt down. Seeing the details of their face emerge from the dark, Kris felt warm. 

"We- we really shouldn't be opening anymore Fountains, Kris. The- the prophecy--" Ralsei began, before being cut off. 

Kris dragged their hand off the bed, fighting the temptation to just let it drop, and up past Ralsei's face. Gently, and oh so slowly, they touched their hat. Ralsei seemed to shiver for a moment, and Kris wondered about pulling back. Carefully, they slid the hat off Ralsei's head. Their fur poofed out around it, almost exaggeratedly filling the space that had been covered. The room was still shadowed, but they could see their face so much clearer and brighter. It seemed as if all of their fur had begun to glow with how much whiter it was. Their cheeks were flushed, even under said fur. Kris wondered if Ralsei could see their own face clearer too. They got their answer a moment later, as Ralsei gently reached out, and moved Kris' hair out from in front of their eyes. They held eye contact for a moment.

...

They had such pretty eyes--

Kris broke away, turning slightly as they felt their face get warm. 

The Prophecy can wait.

Opposite from earlier, this was phrased as a statement but felt as though it were a question. If Ralsei really wanted to, they could make Kris get up, make them confront the Fountain, and make them seal it. Whether physically or mentally, Kris certainly felt more like they were asking permission.

Ralsei softly lowered themself to sit next to the bedside. Kris quietly huffed, both in recognition and as appreciation of what they took as silent affirmation. They didn't want to think about any of that right now, and was a strange kind of grateful that they knew Ralsei wouldn't make them.

"I'll sit with you as long as you'd like."

Kris would've thanked the ANGEL, but the phrase had lost its meaning over the last week. They both sat there for a while. It might've been five minutes, Kris might've dozed off for an hour. They had been so tired, but it felt that only now they were allowed to feel it. They'd almost fallen asleep in the hot spring in the other Dark World earlier today, and wondered about it. With how little they'd slept recently, and only had handful of places that they'd genuinely considered resting at. Places it felt like they were "allowed" to rest at. They looked over at Ralsei. They were still awake, but clearly resting themself. Their glasses were folded and placed on their hat, both of which sat on the ground. The trashcan had been moved a few feet away so that they were the only thing near to Kris. They met Kris' gaze, and for a moment just held it. 

"Would you like to sleep? Darkners don't really... need to. But I keep you company if you'd want?"

Weariness did have them by the head, slowly closing their eyes, but it was difficult to want to look away from Ralsei. They slowly nodded.

"Of course, then," they replied, smiling softly. Ralsei began to reposition themself on the floor. As they stretched out, presumably planning to sleep on the floor, something felt odd within Kris. Odd in the way that they felt genuine desire to make a decision without any influence. To do something they might regret, to have control of their body. Before they could question themself, they reached down and gently grabbed the goat. They bleated in surprise, not fearfully but clearly not expecting it. Before Kris processed what exactly they were doing, they hoisted Ralsei off the floor and onto the bed. Even rolling over as they did to make room, the bed was still so small that Kris found themself with a lot of fur touching the back of their neck. Their face went dark red, and for a moment they were glad they weren't facing Ralsei. 

"Ah! Uhm, thank you... the bed is much comfier..."

They said it so softly that Kris wouldn't have been able to hear if not for their ear being an inch away from their mouth.

"I would like to uhm.... see you as well though. If that'd be okay."

They felt Ralsei's paw move under their side, an invitation to flip over. Kris took it, practically tumbling around to face them. When they properly oriented themself, and prevented themself from literally falling on top of the goat, they saw Ralsei's face was just as flushed. Again, they both felt content to simply share the eye contact.

I'm sorry... about the Fountain...

"It's... okay, Kris. I know today was... a lot."

Silence for a moment. There was a lot unsaid, but they felt that Ralsei understood most of what wasn't spoken. 

"And I kinda figured how it must've felt after you left the Dark World. When Susie came back to Castle Town."

They certainly understood. Kris felt their mouth grimace a little. It was weird being perceived, and they felt so tired.

"Take the time that you need. I can be here with you."

That was all they needed to hear. Kris scooted a little closer, head almost laid on their chest. Ralsei smelled like cinnamon. They felt a fluffy arm wrap around them. For a moment, the bed was warm enough even without any blankets on it. 

"Is this okay?"

Thank you...

"Do... do you need to sleep?"

Kris would've liked to. But there was still... a presence. You are still reading this, aren't you? Kris' eyes drifted upwards and outwards. Ralsei watched their face for a moment, and then followed their gaze. It was unclear if they could see you like Kris could, but they still understood. The Prophecy mentioned an ANGEL, after all.

"Kris? Would you like to close your eyes?"

Kris' gaze darted back inquisitively.

"It doesn't have to be about Susie... but you could close your eyes, and think of something else."

They paused for a moment, before suddenly understanding. 

Thank you...

Ralsei nuzzled in a little closer, and Kris let them. 

I hope we get... our happy ending...

"I know it'll be with you."

Kris closed their eyes.

Go now, ANGEL. Think about something else.