Chapter Text
A curtain of black enveloped the sky, dappled with tiny speckles that stretched far across the heavens. The last glimpses of orange drizzled across the rim, like the sky was weeping, and from that sky drifted thousands, millions, of its tears; snowflakes. The light from the buildings reflected against the flakes and illuminated the area around them. It was a view that one might see in a dream, unreal and fantasy-like.
All across Yorknew City, children and adults alike couldn't help but smile as the snow wafted down. After all, it rarely snowed.
The snow brought with it a peaceful atmosphere, feelings of peace and happiness spreading to those in its presence. Soon everyone in the city had a smile plastered on their face.
Everyone except one.
He sauntered along with his gaze cast low, his breath swirling out before him with every breath he took. A scarf was wrapped around his neck, put there earlier that day by his aunt, who had sent him to Yorknew City to escape from his studies.
"Gon, you've been working hard. You deserve a nice, long break from these books. And I'm sure you're restless, stuck here on this island. Why don't you go out somewhere? You'll surely enjoy it after being cooped up in this room for so long," his foster mother had mused the day before.
It was true, Gon had been so focused on catching up on four semesters worth of paperwork and exams, he hadn't the time to do much else. After returning to his hometown, he had been trampled by documents and essays that he wasn't able to do while on active Hunter duty. Although he was a Hunter, he was still required to fulfill the academic requirements that other people his age had. It was a pain, but Gon was determined to do well and catch up as quickly as possible. Soon enough he had nearly achieved the requisite elements of his level's education and was only essays away from catching up.
Despite Gon's complaints, his Aunt Mito had forced him to leave the island for at least a week to refresh himself. He couldn't argue that his mind was just a jumble of mathematical concepts or random words and symbols. A bit of fresh air would do him good.
Now that Gon was away from the distraction of paperwork and essays, he allowed himself to think about certain things that he wanted to keep locked away.
For the previous several months, as the spiky haired boy composed himself upon his bed, he was suffocated by recollections, drawn into a state of deep thought. Memories resurfaced that he hadn't been able to remember all that clearly since he had woken up in a hospital room almost three years ago.
Some were small, unimportant points, such as his failure to complete an essay on time or about how rashly he acted during the Hunter Exam, which seemed like forever ago.
But one particular thought brought an inescapable, hollow emptiness into his heart. One thought that threatened to bring tears to his eyes every time it crossed his mind. One thought that made a distant pang of nausea swirl up inside of him whenever he dwelt upon it, and it would linger there imperishably until he could no longer cope with it.
It was the thought of his best friend, Killua Zoldyck.
Initially, when he woke up from his coma and met up with Killua, he got the impression that something was awkward between the two of them.
Killua's eyes had held something unrecognizable to Gon. It had been a mix of emotions that, at the time, Gon couldn't quite put his finger on. In fact, he paid little attention to them. Killua is totally fine, he had thought. Now that everything is okay, Killua is okay too.
Only after returning to Whale Island did he slowly piece together what feelings Killua's eyes had held.
Torment. Misery. Sorrow. Despair.
After he was settled into his old home, he could no longer avoid the memories of the fight with the Chimera Ants. In all likelihood, that night was what caused Killua to be so forlorn.
How could he have dismissed his best friend so easily? Friends are supposed to help each other through hard times. They're supposed to do whatever they can to comfort their companions in their times of need. Gon had neglected to do this, and not only on one occasion.
Killua risked his and his siblings' life for Gon's sake, yet in return he received nothing. He exhibited his remorse right in front of Gon, and in return received a wimpy "I'm sorry."
Killua had done so much for Gon. Some were deeds that Gon wasn't even aware of. But what had Gon done for him? In his mind, he was nothing but Killua's uttermost hindrance.
These thoughts were only a sector of what stung Gon's heart so deeply, but the most dominant factor was regret over a certain performance.
Gon had avoided thinking about what had happened prior to his hospitalization. It was too difficult to ponder on such things after being so close to death. But once he had gotten over the shock, horrendous memories pummeled into his mind.
He felt like he remembered every moment - every last detail - of that fateful night. He remembered the look of terror on Pitou's face when he first erupted. He remembered staring at the Chimera Ant, hate fueling his gaze. He remembered how afflicted he felt when he saw Kite's dead body. He remembered the sickly blue blood on his fists as he beat Pitou to death.
But, perhaps, the things that stuck out the most and caused him the most pain to dwell upon were the terse sentences he had growled when Killua was attempting to soothe him.
"You have it easy, Killua. You're perfectly calm. Since it means nothing to you."
Gon remembered the words precisely. And he would never dismiss from his mind the deathly silence from Killua afterwards. He then gave his friend the cold-shoulder and barely took notice when he left. Gon was the reason why such sadness was present in Killua's eyes. It was his fault for making his best friend suffer, and he so tremendously wanted to correct his behavior.
The two of them were entrusted to defeat Pitou together, yet Gon had let his selfishness corrupt him so much that he was heedless towards that fact. His indulgence had caused a rift between the two friends, one that Gon was desperate to fix. Nevertheless, he knew that he could neither take back what he had said nor would Killua ever forgive him about it.
After Killua and his sister, Alluka, embarked on their own journey, Gon was left alone. He was given no chance to contemplate over what he had done, and before he knew it, Killua was gone. Gon had discovered his regret a moment too late, and who knew when his next chance to atone to his actions would be?
He felt nauseated every time he thought of Killua - which was extremely often. The thought of him and his wounded expression occupied Gon's mind almost every second of the day, so he was guilt-ridden and depressed.
He knew that he had no right to be miserable. Killua was the one who must have been putting up with the mental strain of hearing his closest friend denouncing him. The reason why Gon was so down was because he wanted to apologize and let Killua know how much he wished for him to stop feeling distressed. All he wanted was Killua's happiness, but was that even possible after being the victim of Gon's spiteful behavior?
Gon knew that Killua grew up in a peculiar family without friends his age. So when they met and slowly formed a relationship...Killua must have felt happy. Similar to Gon, he probably felt as if he mattered more than before. Had someone to care about, protect, and trust.
When Killua heard Gon claim that he wasn't needed, he must have been deeply aggrieved. His first and only best friend, who he had grown to treasure more than himself, had straight up told him that he wasn't wanted.
More than anything did Gon want to tell him that what he said wasn't true. He needed Killua.
The past two and a half years of catching up on paperwork was almost unbearable. Every time Gon woke up, he would unconsciously glance around his room for his white-haired friend. Sometimes he'd even call out Killua's name when he couldn't find him, confusion clouding his trail of thoughts.
Then he would remember. He would begin to feel an unusual longing in his chest. That distant prick would stay present throughout the day, then fade as he slept. But the next morning it would attack again.
Gon desired the homey feeling that he got whenever he was around Killua. Yearned for his company. Missed their conversations. In short, he was striving for when he was able to spend time with Killua again. Even so...would anything ever be the same between the two of them again?
After splitting up, Gon and Killua kept in contact for a few months. Occasionally they would email, but the two of them often reported being extremely busy and unable to do much else. Gon was focused on his work, and Killua had to constantly look out for Alluka. Eventually, they simply stopped replying to each other...and hadn't talked at all since.
Gon yawned, rubbing his eyes. It was getting late, and he needed to find a place to stay for the next week. And, since he was free from his studies for a while, he might as well email Killua.
A frown contorted his face after giving it more thought. It had been more than a year since their last email. Wouldn't it be better if he didn't message him? Killua would be much better off without him, right?
The voices of passersby wound their way into Gon's mind, drawing him out of his trance. With a sigh, he decided to search for a place to abide for the next week.
He gazed up at the towering buildings. Their windows seemed to glitter behind the array of snowflakes fluttering from above. The colorless confetti rained down, swaying from side to side. It was a surprisingly beautiful sight, and it brought some amount of happiness to Gon.
He was caught up in the moment, staring at the graceful view, until he felt his heart lurch. A familiar aroma waltzed around him, embracing him gently and taking his breath away. At first he was stunned, pausing in his tracks. His mind cluttered as he attempted to figure out why this essence felt so natural to him.
Gon lowered his gaze and felt his heart speed up.
Parents, their children, elderly couples. Normal people flocked the streets on either side of him - although there was much less than before - laughing or talking with a loved one, savoring the unique snowy night.
However, Gon failed to notice any of the commotion that was happening alongside him. His auburn eyes were pinned on something directly in front of him.
The entire world seemed to reach a standstill. Voices dimmed, lacing together in perfect harmony and fading, as though the volume of Yorknew City was being turned down. Falling snowflakes appeared to be hovering midair, holding their breaths anxiously, but still glistening with radiance. The buildings were obscured behind a veil of darkness and eventually vanished completely. A tender breeze was the only other thing present.
Gon's eyes were fixed ahead, his mind a slushy mix of rampant emotions. He wasn't sure how to react to what he saw.
The person standing about ten feet away from Gon had fluffy, silvery hair which was being tousled by the wind. His hands were stuffed in his coat pockets due to both habit and the cold temperature. His auroral blue eyes widened as soon as he saw Gon and he held his breath for a second, wondering if it was really Gon or just an illusion conjured from his own memory.
The pearly-haired boy was the first to speak, astonishment weaved throughout his voice. "...Gon?"
Life returned to normal after that. Yorknew City's volume was turned up, the choruses of laughter and talking returning. The snowflakes continued on their way down from the heavens. Buildings regained their former light and shone in the moon's rays once again.
Gon was unable to speak for moments longer, still wrapped up in the familiar aroma from before. When he emerged from his daze, he finally registered what was happening. "...Killua."
Killua stared at Gon briefly before his expression blossomed with happiness and a warm smile crossed his face. "Gon!" He started walking forward, slipping his hands out of his pockets.
Killua's wispy hair was longer than it had been two and a half years ago, but only slightly. His overgrown bangs still shadowed his deep blue eyes and framed his face a bit more than it used to. Still the fluffy mess it used to be, if not fluffier. Other than that, the only difference was his leaner figure. Gon hadn't changed much either, although he had grown taller to some degree. Killua still loomed over him, though.
Gon stared ahead into those azure eyes of his, searching for the despair that he'd seen the last time the two of them were together. If it was still present, he would never forgive himself. Even if it wasn't, he would be scarred by his own actions, no matter what Killua felt.
But it wasn't there. The only thing swimming in the blue depths of Killua's eyes was something that, although Gon didn't know it yet, was also reflected in his own.
Something that he had felt but not recognized far before their separation, but even stronger after. Something that caused the pangs whenever he thought about Killua and how he'd do anything to take back what he said two and a half years before. Something that explained why he cherished the time they spent together so much and would never trade it for the world.
Love.
When Gon refused to move, or say anything further, Killua tilted his head slightly in concern and slowed down, hesitating. Was Gon upset?
Finally, Gon was able to escape Killua's allure to look at the brick road. He shut his golden-brown eyes.
Oh, Killua... I'm so sorry.
Crystal-like tears welled up in his closed eyes, some trickling out and cascading down his face onto the ground. Killua immediately knew what was happening and attempted to continue towards his friend to help, but he was too late. Before Killua could take another step, Gon dashed forward. Desperation propelled him ahead, despite him being so tired and distraught and weak from constant studying.
His boots barely skimmed the snow-clad path. Tears were flowing back, blown off of Gon's face as he hit the wind head on. His scarf flailed behind him, struggling to pull itself free from his neck.
In a matter of seconds he reached Killua. Gon, still running, flung his arms around his friend's neck, sobs wracking his body.
Killua barely had any time to react, and since his muscles were relaxed, the impact took him by surprise. When Gon collided with him, they were both hurled backwards. Killua's back hit the pavement and the wind was knocked out of him. He was motionless, eyes widened, as Gon dug his face into Killua's shoulder.
Between sobs, Gon managed to pry out countless utterances in a hushed tone so no one around them could hear. Although it was muffled since his face was buried in Killua's shoulder, the silver-haired boy could distinguish exactly what his friend was saying.
"Killua, I'm so, so sorry. I'm... I didn't... I didn't mean anything I said that day. I need you... I really do need you. I... made a stupid mistake. I let my own intentions get the best of me, while I turned a blind eye to you and your feelings. You must have been suffering too. I've been so selfish. All I could really think about at the time was how much I wanted to get Kite back, when you were feeling down yourself... And I left you alone... I'm sorry... I'm such a horrible, selfish person... Killua, someone as wonderful as you doesn't deserve someone like me. I don't deserve to be your friend."
Killua, who was being flattened underneath Gon, tried to process everything that the raven-haired boy had just admitted. He replayed the moments over in his mind, torrents of emotions clashing together. First, he had randomly ran into his friend who he hadn't seen in over two and a half years. He always imagined that they'd plan a rendezvous, so he was tossed into an aghast frame of mind when he saw Gon walking through the large metropolis of Yorknew City. It didn't help to be tackle-hugged by the same guy, then have him pour out his feelings in the most heartfelt voice and sob on Killua's shoulder. It wasn't something that happened every day.
After the words sunk in, the ex-assassin's delicate side arose. His mouth twitched into a kind of heartsick smile as he tenderly wrapped his arms around Gon's back.
"Gosh, Gon, stop crying. You're making it seem like I'm dying." Ironically, tears were gliding down Killua's face as well. Nonetheless Gon obeyed, his sobs melting into tiny sniffles and whimpers. Killua paused for a second. He wanted to go on a spree, wanted to let all of his feelings pour out, wanted to tell Gon just how much he meant to him. Instead, he felt something inside him snap. During the time they spent apart, he had realized that he needed to give Gon a taste of his own medicine. He needed Gon to stop behaving like a child and take responsibility for his actions. And to do that, Killua would have to stop suppressing his candid opinions.
Killua lifted one of his hands and whisked the tears away from his cerulean eyes. Nevertheless, they continued to ebb out, so the silver-haired boy sighed in defeat and put his arm back around Gon and began talking softly once again.
"The person that day wasn't really you, Gon. I know you better than that, and that was most definitely not the Gon I know. But you know what? I need something in return. In fact, I want you make up for what you've done. I need you to. Got it?" He stopped, giving a small chuckle. "Still... I don't really care whether I 'deserve' to be your friend or not. It's funny, because I still... I want to be your friend... always... no matter what. Weird, right?"
Gon had finally ceased to snivel any longer. Instead, it was his turn to absorb what his friend just confessed. He hugged tighter as he thought more and more about Killua and his genuine feelings, which earned a grunt from said person.
Did Killua really feel this way? Did Gon really have such an immense impact on his life? Gon stayed silent for a minute before breaking down again, dissolving in tears. Killua's shirt must have been drenched by then.
Killua patted Gon's back, not knowing what else to do.
At least ten seconds of peaceful silence passed before Gon murmured a response.
"I want to be with you forever, too."
Another impending hush followed those words. Killua could barely breathe any longer and his mind just about burst. His face was painted with a light blush as he switched into shy Killua mode. "Oh. Is that so...?" He mentally slapped himself because he had pretty much said the same thing.
Gon managed a little giggle, sensing the embarrassment in the ex-assassin's voice. "Yeah. I just want to let you know... that I feel the same way. You're my best friend, Killua. I want to stay with you, I want to spend time with you... But I don't expect you to ever really forgive me. That's okay, though. I know what I did was wrong. It was more than wrong. Nothing I say can change the fact that I've been so selfish and irrational. But I'm going to change that, okay? Just like you said. I'm going to... Just you wait."
It seemed like Gon wanted to continue, but he couldn't find the words to express what he still wanted to say. Instead he whispered one last thing that was barely audible. "I'm going to make you feel really happy this time. I love seeing you happy, so... I'll make you smile a whole lot, Killua. I promise."
This was the apology Killua sought. He didn't only want to hear 'I'm sorry' or 'Please forgive me.' He wanted Gon to realize that apologizing isn't just uttering words. It's taking full responsibility for your predicament and promising to do something different to prevent the same thing from happening in the future. In Gon's case, he knew exactly what he had done wrong and why it affected Killua so deeply. Therefore he knew, without a doubt, what to promise and how he would fulfill that promise.
Gon and Killua were thenceforth idle, resting in each other's arms. Gon was sapped of all energy, and before he knew it, he was asleep. His face was still nestled in the crook of his friend's neck, so Killua was unable to move excessively without waking him.
Two minutes passed by before Killua became conscious of all the stares the two of them were receiving. He glanced around frantically. People were gathered in bunches, pointing, taking pictures, and smirking in their direction. Killua, being as sheepish as he was, panicked and tried to shake Gon awake. "Hey, Gon, let's go somewhere else. People are staring."
At the same time, a group of teenagers happened to be strolling by. "Get a room you two," they cooed, snickering with amusement and making kissy-faces. Killua crumbled into a pile of dust and blew away with the wind.
Gon, who had just untangled himself from Killua, scrambled off and onto the ground beside him. He yawned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "What do they mean, Killua?" he asked, referring to the group of teenagers. His voice was back to its usual innocent tone.
The assassin refused to answer, repeatedly telling Gon that "it's nothing." He was still flushed crimson, refusing to look at his spiky-haired comrade. Geez, he thought miserably, why does Gon still have to be so oblivious? But once he finally glimpsed over, he could see a faint tinge of red on Gon's cheeks. So he got the picture after all.
When Gon was revived from his short nap, Killua requested again that they go somewhere else to talk. The two Hunters pondered for a moment before Gon came up with an idea. Delightedly, he suggested, "We can go to a restaurant. Then I'll buy you dinner. Then you buy me dinner!"
He knew exactly how to tug at Killua's heartstrings.