Chapter Text
He drove to her place in a haze, the shaky silence that engulfed the car made him anxious, trying and failing not to sneak too many glances her way. She seemed on edge, exhausted, obliviously.
Her little breath of a futile attempt to suggest he shouldn’t come up was ignored immediately as he turned his engine off and unbuckled his seatbelt. He tried not to hover, and it might’ve been the exhaustion or her overall nerves being fried from the past 24 hours, but she didn’t seem to pull away from him.
Things have been… off between them. Was it his transfer to the DA’s office that started it? He doesn’t know. Probably. After their squabble - or the rather public screaming match - things got even more tense.
He didn’t know where he stood with her or the squad anymore, and was yet to feel right at home in One Hogan place. And with the completely new position he was in and the stress he was under, he felt the shift between them more and more. He missed her, even though they still worked together but it wasn’t the same. She lashed out on him, and he couldn’t have felt more…. Pissed? Guilty? Pissed about being guilty? He doesn’t know.
But right this second - She was home. She’s finally safe from what… ever happened to her at the hands of her abductor. He never even touched me - oh god he hoped.
Her tears never really dried but when it was time to exit the car her breathing quickened as she tried to stop the damn of her emotions starting to spill over again. He reached for another napkin from his pocket, seeing the previous one he handed her mushed and crumbled in her hand.
“‘Manda” he tried softly, trying not to show how his own heartstrings are tugging at the sight. He placed a hesitant hand on her shoulder, watching as she closed her eyes and tried to take deep breathes.
“I can’t… I can’t go in like this” she said, finally. “They can’t see me like that” she managed to squeak before tears came flooding out, hiccuping into the new tissue.
“Hey, hey - okay” he squeezed her shoulder. “You’re okay. We’re going to sit here until ya can. I can- I can help with the girls, you’re going to give them a big hug and tuck them in and tell them their momma is fine and there. It’s going to be okay, I promise” he hoped he sounded sincere but it wouldn’t surprise him if she noticed the desperation in his voice.
She nodded through her tears, trying to convince herself to follow his plan. The forced deep breathes came back and the lump in her throat loudly swallowed down.
He sat there listening to her breathing shakily slow down, his eyes glued to her face. She looked wrecked, makeup smudged and face flushed from crying. It took all his strength not to reach out and wipe the tear that still escaped down with his finger.
She nodded quickly, finally, moving to open her door. They walked in silence and he completely forgot what he usually does with his hands, finding it hard not to place them on her, make sure she’s still okay. More afraid that she’d start crying again if he does.
They stopped in front of the door and he wondered if she needs more time.
“My.. my keys they’re…” she mumbled and he mentally smacked himself as he fumbled in his pocket, fishing out his spare and unlocking the door for her.
A rush of two tiny pajama clad feet rushed to the them as they walked in. He watched the reunion as if he’s trying to suck some relief from it, but the hurt of the day, seeing her in pain and god knows what else he didn’t dare to investigate her about still made the moment bittersweet for him. He let the pair of them have their privacy, barely maintaining the conversation with an obviously tired Sienna while stealing glances to the crouched out mother in front of her sleepy but emotional daughter.
After emptying his wallet of all its cash, not minding counting the bills as he handed it to the babysitter. How do you even calculate the pay for a situation like this? He told Sienna to get home safe and locked the door behind her.
By then the toddler, missing her momma and tired or not, noticed him at the door and wiggled her fingers towards him from the hands of her mother’s(tight looking) embrace.
He hadn’t seen the girls in a while, his visits to the Rollins household becoming less common lately.
“Uncle Sonny” she said, her hand still suspended in air towards him.
“Hey kiddo, what are ya doing outta bed?” He said with a soft smile, walking towards the pair.
“I waiteded for momma to come home” she said like it was so simple, as if it didn’t shatter his heart to a gazillion tiny pieces. He saw Amanda’s hands clench against the soft fabric of Jesse’s pajamas, saw her shoulders tense, too.
“You got her back in one piece, see Jess?” He hoped the 3(almost 4!) year old couldn’t suddenly detect his fake cheer. At the sound of her mothers’ quickening nose pulls he kicked into action. “How about we get you tired monkey into bed?”
The tired girl shook her head stubbornly, looking like a copy of her mother. “No!” She buried her face to her momma’s shoulder. He flashed back to an hour before, Amanda’s face buried in his chest, his face inhaling her blond hair.
He could sense the crash of emotions from the whole day, knowing everything he feels Amanda’s probably feeling by the tenfold. Time for the big guns. “I heard a rumor that whoever’s going to bed first gets pancakes in the morning”
At that her head shot up- eyes sparkling mischievously. She nodded.
Amanda looked at him gratefully, even though she was running on fumes. “I can-“ he motioned towards the toddler.
“I got her, I need- Billie too-” she mumbled, carrying her daughter towards the girls room where the youngest sister was currently knocked out cold in.
He just stood there, feeling stupid, feeling tired. Feeling like he doesn’t fit in a space he yearns to belong in.
After what seemed like hours he looked to the hall, seeing Amanda leaning against the doorway staring into her daughters’ darkened room.
“Hey” he called. She didn’t look at him. He made his way towards her quietly. He stood next to her and followed her vision, watching the two young babies sleeping soundly. He looked to her, she looked so exhausted he was sure a sudden gust of wind would just crumble her to pieces. He placed a gentle, cautious hand on the small of her back. “‘Manda” he whispered.
“You should go wash up, sleep a bit, c’mon” he pried her from the doorway. She was reluctant but her body’s condition betrayed her. He shut the door behind them.
Not wanting to stop the motion, he guided her towards the bathroom. “Go, you’ll feel better”.
He spent the entire time he heard the water running on the sofa with his head buried in his palms, allowing some emotion and stress to drain out now he was alone. She was here, she was safe. She was unharmed. He prayed.
The water stopped and he snapped back in, quickly rubbing his face.
“S-Sonny” her voice cracked as she called him. He sprang to the door in a lightning speed.
“I’m here, are you okay?” He panicked
“Yeah. Yes. Can you uh get me my robe? It’s in my-“ room hanging on the back of the door. Like always. He didn’t even wait for her to finish, practically running to fetch it. He needed to stop acting like she’s been shot. She’s fine. She’s fine. He knocked gently, handing it off to her hand sneaking through the tiny gap of the door.
He really tried not to let his simple man brain splash some images in his head of what’s on the other side of the door. Inappropriate Sonny he chastised himself. He went back to the couch, slumping on it with a huff.
The bathroom door opened and she emerged after, steam cloud following her. Her skin pink, hair damp and the fluffy robe tied around her. Please god, that she didn’t see how his blush spread to his ears.
“Thanks, that was.. better” she said weakly. She turned towards the fridge, opening the door and skimming the contents. “I think there’s a yogurt that hasn’t expired yet… I hope” he didn’t buy her jokey tone, even if he knows it’s just because she so tired. “He promised me burgers in the morning but well-“ he shot from the couch at the attempt in humor. Why didn’t he think of that? Get it together Carisi.
“I’ll whip up something quick-“ he stopped when she raised her palm up.
“Carisi it’s fine, almost expired yogurt is about all I can stomach right now” her smile was so small, almost embarrassed.
He stood there silently as she nibbled at the yogurt. The silence just existing between them.
“Are you going to arraign Bucci?” She asked, looking into the little plastic container instead of his face.
“You bet I will” his anger bubbled up, his rage over the other man’s action propelling him to let some of it slip in his tone.
She swallowed a spoonful, considering. “Could you… not?”
“Not arraign him? You- you want someone else to take the case?” He was confused.
“No I- I… he shouldn’t be punished”
“What?” His voice hitched, anger and confusion taking hold “Rollins, he kidnapp-“ he stopped when her palm came up again, her eyes closing.
“I know, okay. I know.” She sighed. “He has two daughters, Dominic. He did it for them” her eyes now bore into his, filled with new fresh tears. He got it, he knew exactly what she meant. His rage didn’t extinguish, what Bucci did was so wrong. But he got it. The way she pleaded him, so tired and raw and still standing up for a man who wronged her.
“I’ll cut him a deal, I promise” he sighed.
“Thank you” she said, looking down into the half eaten yogurt again. “I’ll uh, go get dressed” she said, a little embarrassed suddenly as she dumped the container in the trash and made her way to her bedroom.
He didn’t know what to do with himself. Should he leave? See himself out? Should he not leave her alone at her condition? What was her condition even… he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure she did, either.
By the time it took him to not make any decision yet, she came back dressed in her casual home clothes.
Well that was his sign. “I should go uh-“ he stood uncomfortably “do.. do ya need anything?” He knew her. She’d never ask. Usually it was futile to even attempt asking.
But it wasn’t a usual night.
“I can- I can come in first thing this morning, make Jesses wishes come true maybe let you sleep in for a bit?”
“Stay” she said it so quietly he thought he misheard. “Please?” Her exhaustion cracking at her usual walls she built between her and the world. She looked so small all of a sudden, like her eldest child asking him for his time.
“Of course” he didn’t hesitate.
She sat next to him on the couch. He sat back down slowly.
“You wanna watch something?” She asked. He looked at her funny. “Shouldn’t you go ta bed?” Like mother like daughter. “Can’t” she waved her hands around her head “too tired to even… I dunno” she finished with a shrug. He smiled at her, leaned back and kicked his shoes off.
They settled with some nonsense tv, both of them not paying to much attention and letting the images flash in front of their eyes. His own tiredness started to overpower him, before he knew it he was dozing off.
He didn’t know what made him wake up suddenly, his money is on the awful pain shooting from his neck that couldn’t be merciful of the angle he chose at his age. He blinked and realized he was there alone, tv’s forgotten and Amanda’s nowhere in sight. He guessed she finally went to sleep and that was his actual sign to find a better position to put his neck in for a few hours before he has to wake up again.
He stopped on the way to the front door when he saw her, standing in front of the closed door of her children’s bedroom. She was crying silently and his heart missed a beat.
“Manda, c’mon… ya gotta sleep” he said quietly, his voice hoarse.
“I- I can’t” she whispered. “I can’t be like her” he was lost, he turned her to him.
“Who, Amanda? What’s going on?” He acted before he could stop himself, wiping a tear from her cheek. His hand lingered. She didn’t shy away.
“Sonny I-“ she couldn’t stop herself. Breaking down finally, exhausted physically and emotionally she found him again, burying her face back into his now mascara stained white shirt, clutching at him and sobbing freely. It was guttural, it was heartbreaking, it was painful- and all he could do was wrap his arms around her and let her.
When she finally tired herself out, he motioned her towards her room. She was clutching his hand so desperately. He helped her into bed, covering her with the comforter. He turned to leave as her eyes started to flutter shut.
“Stay” she whispered again. He froze. Wasn’t sure she was fully awake even.
He stood in place, completely out of his element. He unbuttoned his shirt, hanging it carefully on the chair next to her bed, still needing to look somewhat dignified tomorrow for court. Pants on, no way he’s risking crossing any lines there. He carefully pulls the comforter on the other side, sliding quietly under it. He laid so still, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. How is he supposed to fall asleep like that? In her bed, so close to her. He could feel the warmth of her skin, so close to him yet he felt yards away from being where he wanted to. He dreamed of it for years now, but now he was there as a friend, as uncle Sonny. He didn’t have the right to… any of it. Any of her. And yet she let him in. She asked him to stay. So he did just that. He stayed.