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“A-ah! That hurts!” Tara said one day. She had a horrible pain in her liver. She reached towards her stomach, trying to feel it, but her beer belly got in the way. She noticed her hands were yellow from jaundice.“I think I need to call a doctor…”
911
Operator: hello this is nine one one what is your emergency
Tara : My liver hurts! Send an ambulance!
Operator: okay.
it is a cool morning in preinceton plainsboro hospital. the day is slow so far, wiht no major cases, so when house finds an influencer is admitted to the hospital, he decodes to have some fun.
“So team, we need a differential diagnosis. Serial alcoholic woman comes in with severe jaundice and liver pain.” house said, tapping the whiteboard impatient with his cane.
Foreman sighs.
“That’s textbook liver failiure. Why even bring us all in here for this?” he asks.
“Liver failure is a symptom of something bigger.” house responds intellectually.
“You just said she was an alcoholic. That's what the symptom comes from. Case closed.” Chase responds.
“Well,” house says, turning to them, “Here's where it gets interesting. Our patient just so happens to be an influencer, who goes by the name of Tara Yummy.” He says.
“So you want us to investigate some influencer instead of focusing on a real patient?” Chase asks. “Sounds stupid to me.”
“Well go see her then.” house answers. “Cameron, get me a full patient history. Chase and Forman, go search her house.”
...
“-then there was the cocaine, then the heroine, then the meth… then we can't forget about the weed or the alcohol…” Tara said, listing off all of the substances she was on. Cameron had been standing there for ten minutes already, staring at the yellow woman talking in her pitched-up age regresser voice.
Suddenly House strolled in.
“Oh my god! By the looks of your skin, you’re either Asian or that's the worst case of liver failure I've ever seen!” He tells the patien.
Cameron gives him a look.
Tara blinks a few times.
“Looks like mental slowness is another symptom…” House says."Let's add that to the board.”
“No need.” Cameron says. “She’s clearly intoxicated. She says she had a bottle of vodka and three lines of coke today.”
“Her tox screen positive for almsot every drug in the book. I also checked stds and it look slike she has all of them.”
“Hmmm…came down with a case of being a slut…” house muses, before walking away.
Cameron just sighs.
Chase and foreman are back!
"we found a bunch of uses needles and condoms. and a credit card covered in cocaine. nothing else of interest." Foreman says.
"the places was a shithole." chase says. "oh! and we also found a dog. the nurses are testing it for diseases right now."
I"nteresting." house says. do an xray of her, then get back to me>"
House walks into Wilson's office.
“Hey. We have a patient who might have liver cancer.” He says to the oncologist.
“What happened to hello?” wilson snakes.”ill go check it out, i guess.” he sighs.
By the time they get back to Tara's room the ducklings have already given her a liver xray.
“I think it’s safe to say she has liver cancer. Without chemo and a transplant she’ll be dead in a day.” Wilson says.
“Who would give their liver to her? Alcoholics are low on the transplant list. She did this to herself.” Chase sighs.
“We should look for a donor immediately!” Cameron says. I’ll go check the ER for the recently deceased. What's her blood type?” she asks.
“She had too many stds to tell. All of her blood was filled with the diseases.” foreman said.
“I’ll go find an o- i guess.” She says, running off.
“Theres no way in hell she’ll find anything.” Chase says.
“Yeah.” Foreman agrees.
“Can you come over to my place later? we can hook up and i’ll get chinese food.” house asks wilson.
“Ok” he says.
Tara flatlines.
"finally" house says.
The end.