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"Theo, c'mon, you gotta brush your teeth before we go to the park."
A giggling Theo ran through the hallway, toys strewn haphazardly in his wake. Buck sighed, and bent down to retrieve an action figure skittering towards the couch, before his attention was drawn to the front door by the sound of a key turning in the lock.
"Eddie!" Theo squealed.
Fumbling with the keys and saddled with two large insulated bags, Eddie closed the door behind him.
"Hey Spiderman! You ready to go to the park?"
"No, he is not!" Buck supplied. "We're having some trouble brushing our teeth this morning." His tone was light, but Eddie recognized the very real exasperation not too far from the surface. He shot Buck a sympathetic look before turning back to Theo, adopting an air of shock.
"What?" he asked Theo animatedly, and scratched his head as if he were deep in thought.
"How about.." He placed the bags on the floor. "..we make a deal? If you go brush your teeth, I'll get you an ice cream at the park. How does that sound?"
"Ice cream!" Theo cheered, already halfway down the corridor.
Buck felt the knot in his back uncoil, only slightly. He bent down to pick up one of the bags. Clearly he and Eddie were on the same wavelength, their knuckles brushing as they both reached for the same handle. Buck's eye line flickered up, only momentarily, meeting Eddie's gaze, before redirecting his focus to the task at hand. Not that it was a secret to anyone that knew him, but he loved these moments, when they operated in unison, two halves of a whole… something.
"Easy deal for you to make," Buck jabbed, with no real heat behind the words. "You're not the one that's gonna have to deal with the inevitable sugar crash after".
Amused, Eddie shook his head.
"Hey man, I'm just getting even for every time you brought Chris home with rainbow sprinkles still stuck to his face".
"Well, there's a Chris sugar crash, and then there's a Theo sugar crash," Buck replied.
"Fair point." Eddies admission of defeat was punctuated by a crash from down the hallway. Buck winced.
"I should probably go check on that," Buck said, turning towards the hallway.
"Here, let me grab that off you," Eddie offered, his hand already sliding under the handle upon Buck's shoulder and shimmying the bag down his arm. Buck shot him a shy smile over his shoulder.
"BUCK!" Theo yelled.
"Yep, I'm coming," he replied, half jogging towards the bathroom. Eddie smiled, and quickly made himself useful picking up errant toys.
Before long, Theo emerged from the hallway, Buck in tow.
"Remind me to get a new shower caddy," Buck sighed.
"Oh, hey man, you don't have to do that," he said upon noticing Eddie's tidying efforts, which Eddie responded to with a shrug, his lips parted and an expression that suggested he was searching for words. Before either one spoke, a loud knock came from the front door.
Eddie frowned. "You expecting someone?"
Buck wasn't.
He opened the door to a colourfully dressed young woman, whose clipboard and lanyard- no matter how covered in enamal pins it was - indicated she was there on official business.
"Um. H-hi, can I help you?" Buck asked, not impolitely but also making no effort to mask his confusion.
"Mr Buckley, hi, my name's Jenny and I'm a social worker with DCFS".
That explains the clipboard, Buck thought to himself, before the implications of a social workers visit started to make his head spin a little.
"I'm just here to do a bit of a walkthrough and see how Theo's going!" she continued, letting herself in as Buck stepped out of her way.
Buck followed her into his own living room, the click-clack of her shoes prompting Eddie and Theo's heads to turn in unison. Cute, he thought.
A few seconds passed, as Jenny surveyed the room, locking in on Eddie, who was crouched down next to Theo, encouraging him to put his shoes on. He rose to his feet, not without shooting Buck a confused look, and offered a hand to Jenny.
"Hey, I'm Eddie," he said as she grasped his hand, smiling widely.
"Uh, Jenny is a social worker," Buck supplied. Eddie nodded, slightly.
Jenny dropped Eddie's hand as she dropped to a crouch.
"And this must be Theo! Hi Theo, I'm Jenny."
Theo was now on his feet, half-hidden behind Eddie's right leg.
Shyly, he greeted Jenny back, as Buck closed the front door and joined them in the living room.
"Sorry for the mess, we uh.. we weren't expecting a visit today…" He trailed off.
"…Which I suppose is the point of a surprise visit, um, I thought Deidre was our case worker?" He finished, sitting on the couch and motioning for the others to do so, too.
"Oh, she is, she's just overloaded with cases, so I'm helping out!," Jenny replied, almost gleeful. The two bags, full of insulated containers and brightly coloured toys, at Eddie's side caught her eye.
"I hope this isn't a bad time, but I won't stick around for long!"
She turned to Theo. "Hey, Theo, can you show me your room?"
Theo looked to Buck, who nodded wordlessly. Theo took Jenny's outstretched hand and led her down the hall?
Once the echo of her shoes on the floor faded, Buck exhaled.
"She's…" Eddie started.
"…enthusiastic," Buck finished.
A few minutes pass as Theo chatted to Jenny. Buck made himself useful, picking up the bag loaded with containers of neatly cut-up fruit and placing them in the fridge. He didn't hear her enter, but as he shut the fridge door, Jenny appeared. She scanned the kitchen, opening cupboard doors, nodding her head approvingly at the child-safe fittings, paying Buck no mind. Eddie joined them in the kitchen, shooting Buck another look. Jenny scribbled something down on her clipboard, nodded twice and stood back up, turning first to Buck, then to Eddie.
"That's almost everything, I just need to take a quick peek at the backyard, and I'll get out of your hair," she said.
Eddie smiled politely.
"Sure, why don't I give you the tour," he replied. After all, he was closer to the door.
Eddie led Jenny to the yard, highlighting the recently repaired deck (no more sharp, splintered edges!), the extremely secure lock on the shed, the swing set, the mini trampoline, the soccer balls strewn across the lawn. Buck watched, busying his hands with a towel, drying a plate that was almost certainly already dry. He smiled to himself.
"When are we going to the park?" Theo asked, growing impatient.
"Soon, sweetheart," Buck said, bending down to pick Theo up. "Eddie just has to finish showing Jenny around, we'll have a little chat, then we can go".
Theo grumbled.
The glass door shut with a click as Eddie and Jenny walked back in.
"So, uh.. did we pass?" Buck asked nervously.
Jenny smiled. "You can relax, Mr Buckley, I have no issues to report."
She turned her head to smile at Eddie before looking back at Buck.
"You and your husband are doing a great job."
All of a sudden, the slow drip of the tap, the hum of the refrigerator, grew thunderous. Buck stammered, staring at Eddie, who stared right back, his expression unreadable.
"Oh, uh, we're not married," Buck said apologetically. Jenny's brow furrowed in confusion.
"Yet."
Jenny and Buck looked at Eddie.
"Wedding planning had to take a bit of a backseat," he continued, meeting Buck's puzzled expression with a silent plea of just go with it.
Jenny laughed, now watching Theo unlace one of Buck's sneakers.
"Understandably so. Well, that's it from me, Deidre will be back for your next scheduled visit in.." she trailed off, rifling through the papers on her clipboard.
"Just over two months," Eddie supplied coolly.
Buck was unsure how he knew this off the top of his head.
"Right, well, enjoy the park boys! Bye Theo!" she said with a wave. Buck accompanied her to the door, bidding her farewell. He watched her walk down the path, shutting the door as she got into her car.
Back now to the door, he exhaled, gathering his thoughts. Wordlessly, he ambled back into the kitchen, where Eddie had picked up where he left off with the dishes.
"You ready to go?" Eddie asked without looking up from the sink.
"Yeah, um, hey, you didn't have to say that, you know, that we're… we're married, or getting married or whatever', Buck stammered. The last of the dishes dried, Eddie neatly folded the towel, turning to Buck. He shrugged.
"I just figured it would be quicker to roll with that. I wanna get to the park before the UV peaks," Eddie replied, nonplussed.
"..right," Buck replied. He turned, opening the fridge to retrieve the fruit.
"Besides," Eddie continued, "If you're aiming for adoption, a two-parent household probably reads better."
The cold air emanating from the fridge did little to soothe Buck's face, which was increasingly growing hot. The fridge beeped impatiently. How long was he standing there for?
He shook his head. "Right. Yeah. Um.. okay! Have we got everything?"
"You've got the food, I've got the sunscreen, picnic rug, toys.. Theo? You all ready bud?"
"All ready!" Theo replied.
Buck softened. Eddie was so good with Theo, he thought to himself. And if this thought made him a little too aware of his heartbeat, or the fluttering in his stomach, he paid it no mind.
"Alright, let's go!," Eddie smiled, taking Theo's hand and heading to the door. Buck trailed two paces behind.
Children squealed and chattered, chasing one another and climbing play equipment probably not designed for climbing. Buck helped Theo, who was practically buzzing with excitement, out of his car seat and took his hand as he set him down on the ground.
"Here?" Eddie asked, gesturing at the patch of grass on the hill overlooking the park.
"Yeah, perfect," Buck replied, grabbing the opposite end of the picnic rug and helping Eddie set it down. The sun was now high in the sky, though a large tree provided shade to the young families scattered across the hill.
Buck set out the containers. He smiled a little, thinking about Eddie going to the shops just to buy the fruit, cutting it up into neat cubes. He'd even removed the skins, knowing Theo hated them. The flutter in Buck's stomach was back. The three of them made quick work of the food.
Theo toddled over to Eddie, who sat opposite Buck, legs outstretched.
"You said I could have icecream," he reminded Eddie.
"You finish all your fruit?" Eddie asked, earning himself an enthusiastic head nod from Theo. He dusted his hands off.
"Alright then. One icecream coming up!"
Eddie rose to his feet, picked Theo up and sat him gently on his shouders. Early on, Buck had discovered this was the easiest way to prevent Theo from taking off.
Eddie turned to Buck. "Chocolate dipped for you?"
"You know it," Buck grinned.
"Done."
Eddie and Theo joined the growing line for the icecream truck.
Buck smiled, distantly hearing Theo giggle at something Eddie said. He began packing away containers, only to be interrupted by his phone.
He fished it out of his pocket to see Maddie's contact photo filling the screen.
"Maddie, hey, what's up?" He answered.
"You and Eddie are engaged?!" Maddie exclaimed.
Buck groaned. "Who told you that?"
"Is it true?" she pressed.
"Maddie, who said that?"
"Um, let's see, I heard it from Chim who heard it from Hen who heard it from Deidre- who says congratulations and finally, by the way- who heard it from Jenny the social worker, and I gotta say, I'd be a little offended that you didn't tell me, if I thought it was true."
Buck pressed the heels of his hands into his forehead and sighed.
"No, we're not engaged, it was just something Eddie said to get Jenny out of the house, path of least resistance," he explained.
"The path of least resistance was to say that you guys are getting gay married?" she asked incredulously.
"Just… married, Maddie, not gay married, and I-I dont know. Eddie says I'll have a better shot at adoption if Theo has a two-parent household," Buck clarified before Maddie cut him off.
"Wait, it was Eddie's idea?"
"Uh, yeah? So?"
"No! Nothing!" Maddie replied quickly. "That's just.. interesting!"
Buck sighed. He knows that tone.
"And what do you mean by that, Maddie?" he asked, already half-knowing what she was going to say. After the events of the past year, her increasingly un-subtle probes into Buck's feelings towards Eddie had slowed down, but Buck still saw that same expression on her face, every now and then, the one she wore when she told him it wouldn't be so crazy.
A wail came through the phone. Convenient.
"Hey, I've gotta go," Maddie said.
"Alright, yeah."
"And Buck? Promise you'll call me when you do get engaged?"
"Maddie-"
"Bye! Love you!"
"Love you too," Buck replied.
He raked a hand through his hair and exhaled roughly as he saw Eddie walk back up the hill, icecreams in hand and Theo in tow.
He frowned. "Everything okay?"
Buck wasn't sure where to begin, so he didn't, and shot Eddie a smile.
"Dun dun dun duuunnnn….."
Buck and Eddie walked into the firehouse to see Chimney, Hen, Ravi and Harry overlooking the railing of the loft, performing a bad acapella rendition of Here Comes The Bride, much to their amusement, and Buck and Eddie's chargrin.
"Okay, despite whatever my sister is saying, no, we are not engaged," Buck explained as he walked upstairs. "We just said that to get the social worker out the door".
"Wait, you lied to social services?" Hen asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Not wise, Buckaroo," Chimney added.
"Okay, technically, Eddie lied to social services," Buck clarified, as Eddie rolled his eyes.
Chimney turned his gaze to Eddie, bemused. "Didn't know you had it in you, Diaz".
Hen elbowed him in the side. He coughed, schooling his expression into one of appropriate seriousness.
"Still not wise."
Eddie sighed. "Look, I was just trying to be helpful and get this… very enthusiastic social worker out the door before Theo pitched a fit about the ice cream I owed him, clearly, it wasn't my brightest moment, can we just drop it now?"
"Uh, no, you can't just drop it now," Hen remarked. "You told social services you were married-"
"Getting married," Buck added.
"How do you think it's gonna look when they realise you're not?"
"Yeah, they're not gonna want to give Theo to a liar," Chim joked, earning him matching glares from Buck and Eddie, which only seemed to heighten his amusement.
"So what are you saying? We should get- get married?" Buck asked, confused as to which direction this conversation was heading. Harry and Ravi, who had been conspicuously quiet, both bit back laughter, exchanging conspiratorial looks.
Hen threw her hands up as if to say I'm innocent! "You said it, not me."
Eddie bit his lip, staring at the floor as their colleagues drifted back to the kitchen.
"I mean, surely a two parent household has to make for a stronger application, right?"
"I.. I guess?" Buck replied, sounding entirely unconvinced.
Eddie shrugged, eyes pleading Buck for an answer.
"You'd really do that?" Buck breathed.
"Yeah, I mean, I'm around enough, and besides," he smirked. "Theo likes me more."
Buck's shoulders relaxed, grateful for invitation to bicker without any actual conviction.
"He does not."
"Does too," Eddie replied, turning to walk towards the kitchen. Buck followed.
"Okay, well, if he does, it's only because you're always good cop. And because you buy him icecream."
Eddie laughed.
"See! Already fighting like an old married couple," Chim said gleefully. The tones went off before Buck could think of a witty comeback.
Instinct took over as the 118 sprung into action,
The call was nothing to write home about. A fender bender that left one driver with a bloody nose that was certainly less painful than the insurance bill headed her way, and another with cuts and scrapes. He felt horrible for it, but Buck had secretly been hoping for a little more action, nothing tragic, just something that would offer a new topic of conversation, something to take his mind off of his now apparently impending nuptials. He watched as Eddie finished his examination of the male driver.
Eddie palpated the man- Toby's- arm, feeling for the brachial artery, wrapped the blood pressure cuff above and placed his stethoscope over the artery with one hand. With the other hand, he inflated the cuff, eyes trained on the gauge. Satisfied, he took the stethoscope out of his ears, deflated the cuff fully and removed it from Toby's arm with a loud rip of velcro.
Sure, Buck was an EMT, he knew how to take blood pressure, but the well-practiced ease with which Eddie performed the simple task always seemed to comfort patients, Toby being no exception
"One-thirty five over ninety, that's a liiiiitle higher than I'd like to see, but given the commotion, I'm not too worried," he told Toby, looking away to pack up his med kit.
Toby faltered. "Maybe I'm just.. nervous."
Eddie frowned. "Nervous? Why are you nervous?"
Toby grew red, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
"I mean, there's the bill from the panel beaters to look forward to, and the hot paramedic that just held my hand, well, wrist…" He trailed off, going red.
Eddie smiled, good naturedly. "Nothing to be nervous about, Toby, you're gonna be fine, alright?" He offered a reassuring pat on the shoulder as he stood up, to which Toby half-smiled at. A swing and a miss.
Logically, Buck knew Eddie was a professional, that the attention he paid Toby was purely for his clinical benefit, that the hand on the shoulder was to reassure him, and yet despite knowing all of this, something unpleasant made its home low in Buck's gut, something that, if you squinted, looked a little like jealousy. He swallowed as Eddie walked back over to the ambulance.
"Hey, hot paramedic," Buck teased. Any other day, this would have been regular banter, but today, Buck cringed as the words left his mouth. Eddie shot him a confused laugh.
"Are you alright, man?" Eddie asked.
"Ooh, hot paramedic, you better check him out," Harry chimed in, earning him two unimpressed glances.
"Tough crowd," he muttered.
"Y-Yeah, I'm fine, why do you ask?" Buck stammered, climbing into the ambulance to help Eddie pack the med kit away.
"You seem … on edge."
His hands free again and out of tasks to complete, Buck grabbed his belt buckle, thought better of it and shoved both hands in his pockets.
"No, no edges here," he replied. Eddie raised an eyebrow.
"Alright," he said turning around to climb back out of the ambulance at the same time as Buck. The ambulance was not designed for two men upwards of six feet to stand in, and as their shoulders bumped, Buck jerked forward, his foot catching on a handle under the gurney, and he tumbled out onto the road unceremoniously. Eddie watched for a moment, until it was clear Buck wasn't actually injured.
"…ow." Buck looked up to see Eddie, still standing in the ambulance, eyebrows raised and a bemused expression creeping onto his face.
"Oh, you're laughing? I could have been seriously injured, Eddie," Buck said indignantly, sitting up and picking gravel out of the reddening patch on the side of his forearm.
"Are you?" Eddie challenged.
"No, but that's not the point".
Eddie rolled his eyes affectionately and grabbed a small plastic tube of saline, twisting the plastic stopper off as he hopped effortlessly out of the ambulance.
"Give me your arm," he instructed, flushing the wound as Buck winced.
"Dude, I was kidding about the whole hot paramedic thing," Harry laughed.
"Not the time, Harry," Buck grumbled, though Eddie seemed to find it amusing.
"There. All clean," he said as he released Buck's arm.
Buck said nothing still visibly unamused.
"What? You want me to kiss it better?," Eddie mocked lightly.
Buck rolled his eyes and climbed to his feet.
"Shut up".
Buck was being weird. He knew he was being weird, what he didn't know was why or how to stop. The fender bender set the tone for the rest of the shift, which was largely uneventful. A pattern emerged. Buck would say something just out of his normal range of weirdness, which, to be fair, was pretty broad, Eddie would laugh and say alright, man, and their coworkers would exchange knowing looks with eachother. Buck could hazard a guess as to what the looks were in reference to, but he wasn't sure when this became such public knowledge.
He resented it, a bit. Were they also side-eyeing Eddie? He was the one who, effectively, proposed, after all. Or was it just Buck, who couldn't seem to get his words to cooperate today, tripping over himself like a highschooler with a crush. He could practically hear Harry and Ravi now:
Buck and Eddie, sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
In actuality, they were both preoccupied with dinner, mouths too full of roasted vegetables to bully Buck via playground rhymes.
He turned his attention to his plate, misjudging the structural integrity of a piece of pumpkin and scraping the tines of his fork against the ceramic, which his coworkers winced at.
Great, he thought. I'm making them cringe without even talking.
He sighed and continued eating.
"Okay, Buck, what's wrong?" Hen asked.
"What? Nothing's wrong, what makes you think something's wrong?"
"Well, for starters, you've been shovelling the same six or so peas around your plate for the last five minutes, and you've been uncharacteristically quiet all dinner," she pointed out.
"Yeah man, you sure you didn't hit your head when you fell out of the ambulance?" Ravi asked, wiping his mouth. Harry snickered quietly, but Ravi's concern was genuine.
"Guys. I'm fine, okay? Can we just finish dinner before-"
The tones went off.
"Hello," Eddie called out, letting himself into Buck's house. In one hand, he carried a small first aid kit, and in the other, a six pack of beer.
The house was quiet, almost eerily so, with Theo asleep.
"Hey, Eddie," Buck called out from the couch.
Wordlessly, Eddie entered the kitchen and placed the beer in the fridge, shuffling the butter and eggs out of the way, and returned to the living room.
"Let me see."
"Huh?"
"Your arm, Buck," Eddie replied, collapsing onto the couch next to Buck as he unzipped the first aid kit.
"Oh," Buck said, offering his arm to Eddie, who removed the dressing and inspected the wound.
"Weeping, a little, but it looks pretty clean," he said, applying iodine solution to the wound with the same attention to detail Buck had admired earlier in the day. Eddie's right hand was loosely wrapped around his wrist, supporting the limb, while the other swabbed carefully. Buck wondered if Eddie could feel his pulse like this. As the two sat in silence, Buck began to feel a sense of kinship with Toby, the driver from earlier in the day. He'd hazard a bet that his blood pressure was a little elevated right now, too. Eddie let go of Buck's arm to prepare a new non-adhesive dressing. Buck mourned the loss of contact immediately, but held his arm steady.
Eddie placed the dressing over the road-rash and began wrapping gauze around Buck's forearm to secure it. He adjusted the bandage with gentle hands until he was satisfied.
"Is that all good? Not too tight?" He asked, the sarcasm and nonchalance he carried on the shift now gone. Buck made a show of inspecting the bandage discerningly before smiling widely, which Eddie mirrored.
"It's good, Eddie, thank you," he said without breaking eye contact.
They had found themselves in these little standoffs more often recently, where the conversation ended, yet neither would look away. Sometimes, Eddie would clear his throat and avert his eyes, or Buck would start up on another topic, or one would crack a joke, but the silence seemed to stretch on and on, this time.
"So we should probably talk about the whole… social services thing," Eddie started.
"Yeah, I'm gonna need a beer for any conversations regarding any kind of government agency at this hour," Buck replied, heading for the kitchen. He retrieved two beers, cracked them both open and handed one to Eddie. They clinked the necks of the bottles together as Buck sat back down.
"So you were serious? You think that would help with the adoption?" Buck asked.
Eddie shrugged. "I mean, I'm not sure if two dads with high-risk jobs and crazy schedules is necessarily better than one, but yeah, I did some research and it seems that way," Eddie replied before taking a large sip of his beer. Buck's stomach fluttered something embarassing at hearing Eddie refer to himself as Theo's dad. He sipped his beer. Take that, butterflies.
" O-okay, but how do you plan on explaining that to women? Oh yeah baby, I'm super into you, but I can't marry you because I'm actually married to my boy best friend."
Eddie raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, first of all, I do not talk like that. And second of all… that's not really on my radar". He turned to stare at the coffee table, taking a large swig of beer.
"Dating?" Buck asked.
The refrigerator hummed.
"Women," Eddie answered, eyes still trained on the coffee table, his jaw rigid, unblinking. He held the beer bottle so tight his fingers had gone white, and for a moment Buck thought it might actually shatter in his grip.
"Wait, what?" Buck asked, puzzled.
"I'm gay, Buck," Eddie replied, his voice pinched, as he placed the bottle on the table.
Buck's ears began to ring, the million thoughts running through his head oscillating at a frequency usually only audible to dogs, and maybe dolphins, or bats. It came to a crescendo, then went completely silent when Eddie finally looked at him with frantic eyes, begging him to say something, anything.
"O-okay," He started carefully.
"I haven't really…" Eddie cleared his throat and ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I haven't really told anyone yet."
Buck nodded. "Oh, of course, man, your secret's safe with me!" He was aiming for supportive, but it came out all wrong. Still being weird.
Eddie's eyes were shiny as he looked down, shaking his head.
"I don't want it to be a secret, I just.. I don't want it to be some big deal, you know?" Tears began to spill down his face. A gnawing sensation bloomed in Buck's chest- guilt, at the thought of Eddie feeling unable to tell Buck, at the memory of his efforts to find a nice girl for Eddie, at his present self for sitting silently while his best friend sat crumpled in on himself, crying.
"C'mere," Buck said as he wrapped his arms around Eddie's shoulders, which only trembled harder. Eddie's hand came up to squeeze Buck's wrist, his non-injured one, appreciatively.
"I'm proud of you, man".
Eddie laughed bitterly and wiped his face as Buck unwrapped his arms. "For what? Taking thirty-odd years to figure it out? For- for putting the women I've dated through hell, making them feel like they weren't enough, like something was wrong with them when I was the issue the whole time? For sitting here crying about my own damn mess when I was meant to be here for you, helping you figure out all this stuff for Theo?"
"Eddie, c'mon, these things take time. I mean, it took me almost as long to figure it out," Buck reminded him.
Eddie looked up, either pleading to a higher power or trying to stem the tears that just kept coming. He exhaled slowly. "I know, it's just.. God, my timing really sucks, doesn't it?" Eddie laughed, though he didn't seem to find much humour in his own words. Buck smiled at him sadly.
"Can.. I ask how long you've known?" Buck started delicately.
Eddie nodded to himself and sniffed, steeling himself. "After Marisol, and… everything that happened with Kim. I had a lot of time to think in Texas," he replied.
"Have you told Chris?" Buck asked.
Eddie smiled, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. "Yeah."
"And … how did that go?"
"I… I worked myself up, had this whole speech, but I got about two words out. He just said okay and went back to his video game, but he came and gave me a hug later. He was fine with it, I knew he'd be fine with it, he's a good kid. And I mean, he's grown up around other… around people like me. But even though I knew he wouldn't have a problem, I just felt like I couldn't tell him, like I'd open my mouth and couldn't physically get the words out," He sniffed roughly again, sitting upright. "Sorta like how I couldn't tell you, or anyone else. I knew you weren't gonna care, I mean, obviously."
"Obviously," Buck echoed.
Eddie blew out a long breath through pursed lips. "It does feel like a load off, though, to tell you."
Buck was familiar with the feeling, remembered his own fear around telling Eddie, and how immediately supportive he was.
"Hey," Buck smiled as he rested his hand on Eddie's shoulder. "This doesn't change a thing between us," he soothed, remembering Eddie's words from when their roles were reversed, years back.
Eddie looked at Buck's hand, then his face, his smile looking more like a grimace, fresh tears welling up.
"Yeah. Of course. Thanks, man."
Buck rubbed Eddie's shoulder soothingly with his thumb, then stood up.
"You want another beer?"
"Please."
They drank their beers in comfortable silence. Buck had put a movie on, something they'd both seen before. Eddie sat lax on the couch, sinking into the cushions as he readjusted his posture, his knee now pressing into the side of Buck's. Buck, however, sat with almost militaristic rigidity, focussing intently on the subtitles that flashed across the TV, desperately willing the ringing in his ears to stop. Cognitively, he was proud of Eddie, happy that he had figured out this facet of himself, grateful that he had shared it with Buck. But emotionally, he was wrecked. They had long been close, even accused of codependency at times. Buck knew their relationship didn't exactly fit into the mold of heterosexual bro-ship, so when he had realised his own bisexuality, he thought oh, that's it- if he wasn't straight, it made sense that his relationships didn't always look the way people would expect. He knew he loved Eddie, he was his best friend, his emergency contact, the person he trusted Theo with the most. And sure, people had made assumptions, made comments, and he got it- two single guys spending all their time together, I mean, it made sense, and it was LA, so the comments never bothered him. What did bother him, was how Tommy had seen their relationship. The competition, he had said of Eddie, which really pissed Buck off. Tommy wasn't a cashier at the grocery store, or a well-intended social worker, he was someone Buck had spent a good six months in an intimate relationship with, someone who knew Eddie, knew that he was, to everyone's knowledge at the time, straight, and yet he had still somehow come to the conclusion that Buck was in love with Eddie.
He's straight, Buck had argued. Much of his hesitancy to come out to Eddie stemmed from the fear that the admission would change their relationship, that Eddie, who had been so comfortable around Buck, would pull back, that the assumptions about the nature of their relationship would carry some weight, that Eddie would feel uncomfortable knowing Buck could, theoretically, of course, like him in a way he couldn't reciprocate. So, he was proactive. Invested in his relationships outside of Eddie, averted his eyes whenever he caught himself looking too long, tried to find Eddie a girlfriend. Because Eddie was straight, and their relationship, which Buck knew went deeper than just friendship, would stay as it had been. He knew he should probably have been more offended by Tommy's accusation of emotional infidelity, but really, he just felt as though he'd failed in his efforts to ensure Eddie never felt uncomfortable, that Buck was never untoward to him. Because he's straight. Eddie was straight, so their relationship, regardless of Buck's own sexuality, would always be platonic. He never entertained any other possibility.
It wouldn't be so crazy, Maddie had told him. Maybe it wouldn't be crazy for Buck to be attracted to Eddie- he was an attractive man, objectively- but it would be crazy for Buck and Eddie to ever be more than they were. Because Eddie was straight. Those three words had underpinned his concept of their relationship since the day Buck realised he wasn't. Now, with this foundational piece of Eddie dead and buried in El Paso, Texas, the carefully constructed framework Buck had built was crumbling around him.
"You alright?" Eddie asked. Buck blinked. The credits rolled down the screen, and not just the names of the lead actors set to a backdrop of inspiring music, it was the fine-print credits against a silent black screen. He had been lost in thought again.
"Ye-yeah, just thinking," Buck replied, flashing an easy smile in Eddie's direction.
Eddie finished the last sip of his beer, knocking his knee into Buck's. "Don't hurt yourself, bud," he joked, earning him an affectionate eye roll from Buck.
"I should probably head home," Eddie said as he rose to his feet.
"Yeah, let me walk you out," Buck replied. He didn't want Eddie to leave, he never really did, but tonight especially, with so much left unsaid, he felt a twinge of sadness.
Eddie smirked. "I didn't know you were such a gentleman," he remarked. The crying and the two beers had left a trace of gravel in his voice, which sat lower than usual.
"Chivalry isn't dead yet," Buck replied easily, their shoulders brushing as they ambled to the door.
"Night, man," Eddie said as they reached the door.
"Night, Eddie."
They were in a stand off again. This time, Buck folded.
"Come here," he offered with open arms. Eddie smiled and stepped into them, resting his head on Buck's shoulder as he pulled him in. The hug lingered. Eddie's left hand inched lower, almost imperceptibly leaving its usual spot on Buck's upper back.
"Aaaghh," Buck laughed as he shifted his weight between his feet, swaying them side-to-side in their embrace, before taking a step backwards. Eddie's grip loosened as he shot Buck an amused, if not slightly confused look. Buck faltered.
"Get some sleep," Eddie said, filling the silence as he opened the door and closed it gently behind himself, leaving Buck alone with his thoughts.
Not much changed after that night. Eddie still took Theo out when their days off didn't line up, Buck still picked Chris up from school when his schedule- Chris' moreso than Buck's- allowed, they still operated as a well-oiled machine. Eddie seemed lighter, more at home in his own skin, and Buck loved to see this version of Eddie, the one who joked effortlessly with Hen, who encouraged Harry, who smiled bashfully upon returning from a coffee run and realising the barista had written his number on Eddie's cup. Sometimes, Buck felt Eddie's eyes on him, and would turn around to see Eddie smiling at him. A few times, he felt Eddie's gaze dip lower. It makes sense, he thought to himself. Eddie was attracted to men, Buck was a man. He could appreciate Eddie's objective attractiveness in a platonic way, even if it might look like he was checking him out, so it made sense for Eddie to do the same. So, Buck always offered a smile back.
Two weeks passed. They still hadn't figured out the details of their plot to deceive social services, which, look, Buck knows sounds bad, but really isn't that bad in practice.
The shift had ended with them all back at the station, mercifully, freeing them to leave on time. In the locker room, Buck tugged a tshirt over his head, while Eddie, the quicker of the two to change, typically, sat on the bench opposite, scrolling his phone.
"Hey, any plans for the 72 off?" He asked, which he knew was a redundant question, really, courtesy of their shared google calendar.
Buck shook his head . "Nope."
"I was thinking, we had to the county clerk's office, pick up a marriage license," he replied casually, pocketing his phone and standing up. He took one step, frowned and knelt down to retie a loose shoelace. Buck chuckled.
"Eddie Diaz, are you proposing to me?" Buck mused.
Eddie looked down at his knealing position and opened his mouth, only to be interrupted.
"Nope. Not touching that with a ten foot pole. Nope!" Harry said, turning on his heel to leave the vicinity.
"Hey, it's just for social services, okay?" Buck called out.
"Nope," Harry replied, his voice now distant.
Buck and Eddie shared a laugh.
"Would it make you get dressed faster if I was?" Eddie asked, now standing.
"Alright, alright, I'm coming," Buck replied, grabbing his bag and shutting his locker.
They left the change room, walking accross the engine bay, crossing paths with Harry who, upon seeing them, promptly turned on his heel.
"What's that about?" Eddie asked as they entered the car park.
"No clue," Buck shrugged, chucking his duffel in the backseat of Eddie's car.
Eddie drove.
"Hey, once we're married we'll be able to make medical decisions on eachother's behalf," said Buck.
"You're already my medical proxy," Eddie replied, eyes trained on the road.
Buck frowned. "Me? Why me? Why not Hen, I mean, she's basically a doctor, I'm just an EMT."
Eddie shrugged. "I don't know, made sense. Who's yours?"
"Uhh, you. It was Maddie, but I changed it when she was in Boston," Buck replied sheepishly.
This time, Eddie did look at him, for a split second, something unreadable on his face.
Buck cleared his throat. "Made sense, too, yaknow?"
Eddie nodded. Buck returned to his research.
"There's no waiting period requirement in California, we could just do the whole thing today," Buck offered.
"Yeah? Okay, yeah, let's do it," Eddie replied.
Buck laughed to himself.
"What?" asked Eddie.
"Nothing, just, uh, you kinda speed-ran the whole gay thing, I mean, coming out and then getting married to a guy two weeks later, you gotta admit, it's kinda funny," Buck said.
Eddie considered this.
"I mean, it does track for me, though. I do tend to uh, rush into things."
"This is true."
"But, I've known you for what, eight? Nine years now? That's definitely the longest I've known anyone before moving in, or-or getting married, I mean, I only really knew Shannon for a few years.." He trailed off. A somber mood settled in the car at the mention of Shannon.
"Eddie…" Buck started.
"I think…" Eddie bit his bottom lip worriedly. "I think she would have been, I don't know, proud of me, or happy for me, you know? That I finally figured it out. It explains a lot."
The words clearly were not easy for Eddie to say.
"I think she would have been proud of you, too," Buck said with an encouraging squeeze of Eddie's shoulder.
They returned to silence for a few minutes, some indie-pop song playing softly through the radio.
"We're here," said Eddie.
"Ready to get hitched?" Buck wiggled his eyebrows.
Eddie rolled his eyes. "Let's do it."
They entered the municipal building and were greeted with a waft of musty carpet. The walls, once painted tan, were cracked where the wall met the skirting boards to reveal an old coat of maroon paint, which matched the carpet, albeit not greyed from years of dirty shoes making their passage through the hallway.
Eddie sniffed. "Romantic."
They rounded the corner to join the line, six people, or three couples, were ahead of them. Eddie bounced on his toes as he surveyed the room, his eyes flitting between the exit and the other couples.
"You alright?" Buck asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Old habits die hard, I guess," Eddie replied with an unconvincing smile.
"Right."
The actual process of obtaining the marriage license was uneventful, a matter of paperwork. They were directed upstairs, where a judge could officiate. The judge, an unexcited woman north of 50, methodically made her way through the applicants ahead of them, the pairs entering her room two-by-two and emerging minutes later, hand in hand, smiling widely.
"Hey, everyone, look at my wife," a beaming woman in her twenties exclaimed, hand in hand with her wife whose embarrassment could barely conceal her glee.
Buck smiled at the couple. "Congratulations, you guys," he said as they strode past. The embarassed woman smiled at him over her shoulder, locked eyes with Eddie, nodded slightly, smiling wider and kept walking.
Eddie was confused. "What was that?"
"Huh?"
"The.." he mimed the nod she gave him. "That."
"Oh, that's just like, the gay nod," Buck answered.
"The what?"
"It's like, you see another gay person in public, you wanna show solidarity without really saying anything," Buck replied.
"Ah. I guess I'm still getting used to the whole 'being a gay person in public' thing," Eddie admitted.
"It'll come with time," Buck reassured.
"NEXT!"
"I'm judge Collins, and I am authorise by the State of California to solemnise marriages according to the law," she began.
"Wow, right into it, okay," Eddie muttered.
"We are gathered here today for the purpose of uniting" she looked at her papers. "Evan Buckley and Edmundo Diaz in marriage and to share the joy of this occasion. Marriage symbolizes the intimate sharing of two lives. No other human ties are more tender, and no vows more important than those you now assume. Please join hands."
Buck raised his eyebrows and offered his hands to Eddie, who, after a split second, took into his own.
The judge continued her spiel. "The contract of marriage is most solemn and is not to be taken into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously, with a deep realisation of its obligations and responsibilities." She paused to look at them each, face unreadable.
"Evan Buckley, do you take Edmundo Diaz to be your lawful wedded spouse? Do you promise to love and comfort him, to honor him and keep him in sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him?"
She barely paused in the time it took for a million thoughts to swirl through Buck's head. So much of this already applied to them, he thought. They'd both sat at the others' bedside throughout injury and illness, been there for some of the worst moments of their lives, and some of their best. They already loved eachother, Buck thought, questioning the necessity of the ceremony before remembering the very real logistical reasons behind their marriage. His train of thought was cut off by the judge clearing her throat.
"Oh. I do."
She turned to Eddie.
"Edmundo Diaz, do you take Evan Buckley to be your lawful wedded spouse?"
She continued the same vows as Eddie's eyes rotated between the Judge, Buck, and their joined hands.
"I do," he said with a squeeze of Buck's hands.
"Do you have vows you wish to exchange?" She said, pushing her glasses further up her nose.
Buck stammered. "Oh, uh, no."
"Alright. Evan, read these, fill in the blanks," she said, handing Buck a script. He took it in one hand, the other still holding Eddie's.
"I, Evan Buckley, take thee," he giggled before steeling himself. "Take thee, Eddie Diaz, to be my lawful wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish," Buck finished, handing the sheet of paper to Eddie. "You're up, man," he said, before cringing at himself, the judge raising an eyebrow.
"I, Edmundo Diaz, take thee, Evan Buckley to be my lawful wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish," he repeated.
"Place and hold the ring on the ring finger of your partner's left hand and repeat after me. This ring I thee give-"
"Oh, we uh, we don't have rings," Buck said sheepishly.
"You're getting married without rings?" the judge asked, although it sounded more like a statement.
Buck looked at Eddie, panicked.
"We're firefighters, can't wear rings on the job," Eddie supplied. Buck squeezed his hands. Thank you.
Judge Collins' eyes flicked from Eddie to Buck. "Right, okay we will… just skip that part."
She cleared her throat.
"Now that you have joined yourselves in solemn matrimony, may you strive all your lives to meet this commitment with the same love and devotion that you now possess. By virtue of the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you married under the laws of the State of California. You may seal your vows with a kiss."
Buck's stomach dropped. The kiss, how had he forgotten about the kiss? His breath caught in his throat. Would Eddie think he had rushed them to get married today before they could figure this out? Was this it, the dealbreaker, Eddie's line in the sand? Sure, he was gay, but that didn't mean he automatically wanted to kiss Buck, who had promised nothing would cha-
His spiral was cut off by Eddie dropping his hands, wrapping one around the back of his head and drawing him in, their lips meeting for one, two, three, four seconds, before Eddie released him.
It was hardly a kiss, really, and it was kind of clumsy, just a dry press of pursed lips against lips. Their foreheads had bumped, and Buck felt rattled by the force with which Eddie pulled his head in. Had be been given adequate warning, Buck would have tilted his head to the left, just a little, and placed a hand at an appropriate and respectful height on Eddie's back. A stab of something that felt like regret hit him. Buck knew he was a good kisser. He didn't get mono twice for nothing. For a moment, he was disappointed that he wasn't able to kiss Eddie the way he deserved to be kissed, wasn't able to show the full range of his abilities.
"Congratulations," the judge said, derailing Buck's train of thought. "NEXT!"
Buck, still stunned, came to his senses at the harsh sound of Judge Collins' yell.
The pair hightailed it out of the room and into the hallway, warm light spilling through the fogged window at the end, making the dust in the air dance and sparkle.
"Wanna get ice cream for the boys on the way home?" Eddie asked, already searching up nearby shops.
"Uh, yeah, s-sure," Buck replied, the sound of his heartbeat in his ears no longer deafening.
"You reckon they'll give us a free sundae or something if we tell them we just got hitched?" Eddie asked, amused.
Buck hummed. "Probably not, not without rings at least." Eddie scrunched his nose.
"True. We probably should have prepared a little more for that, hey."
There it was. Eddie said it, they were unprepared, they rushed into this.
"Eddie, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to rush this or anything, I-"
"Buck," Eddie cut him off. "This was my idea."
"I-I know, but the, the doing it all today, I didn't even think about it, I should have checked with you before."
"Buck. It's fine. I'm fine. We're…. we're fine."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Let's get ice cream."
The ice cream place was only a five minute drive, an easily walkable distance, but Eddie refused to put another $6.75 in the meter, despite Buck's offer to pay. It was a matter of principle.
Buck was quiet in the car, at first.
"Hey, was I the first boy you kissed?"
Eddie's hand tightened on the steering wheel. Not much had changed since Eddie came out, but sometimes Buck would notice the way Eddie's jaw would clench, the tiny muscle in the corner fluttering, before softening, or the rigid way he held himself, as if steeling himself against invisible psychic attacks, when the topic of his own sexuality was brought up. It was happening less, now, than initially, Eddie seeming to settle into his own skin as he realising the attacks he was bracing himself for weren't coming.
He looked at Buck, then back to the road. Colour returned to his fingertips.
"Yeah," he replied neatly.
"And? How was it?" Buck pressed.
Eddie scoffed. "You're seriously asking me to rate your kissing skills?"
"Not my kissing skills, kissing a guy," he replied with an eye roll. Buck knew he was toeing the line. He knew how Eddie felt about the topic of his sexuality, so Buck was patient, let Eddie lead the conversation, provide a listening ear, but given that the guy had man-handled him into a kiss no less than twenty minutes ago, he figured he deserved a little bit of latitude. So, the discussion fell into the familiar rhythm of their back-and-forth banter.
"Mmm, scratchier, I guess?"
"Scratchier?"
"Well, I haven't kissed anyone with stubble before. I don't know, Buck, it was for like two seconds."
"True. Not enough time to grasp the scope of my kissing skills."
The words left his mouth before he could run it through the 'appropriate platonic things to say to your best friend' filter he'd carefully constructed. His jaw snapped shut.
Eddie laughed. "Right." He looked at Buck, like he was going to add something, but decided against it, fixing his eyes back on the road ahead.
They returned to silence, but Buck couldn't deny the way Eddie's eyes kept flicking over to him, or the way his own were drawn to Eddie.
The icecream, though half-melted by the time they got home, had been a good call, keeping Theo placated and relatively still at Buck's dining room table long enough for the four of them to sit down. While decidedly less exciting than a rainbow sprinkle covered soft serve in a bright pink cone, Chris and Theo appreciatively wolfed down their respective tubs.
They'd established a rough framework for this conversation on the drive home. Buck had run through the sparknotes points as he unlocked the door, but somewhere between there, the kitchen and the dining table, his mind had gone blank.
Buck emerged from the kitchen with a handful of pre-emptive baby wipes, already anticipating the sticky mess that would soon befall him. He pulled a chair out delicately with his free hand, seating himself with Eddie on his left, Theo on his right, busy mixing his icecream into some kind of soup, and Christopher, directly in front of him.
"Mmmm, oh man, Eddie, you gotta try this," Buck said, the icecream very much still in his mouth.
"Don't speak with your mouth full," Eddie chastised lightly.
Buck swallowed, the grinned widely, too wide, to prove he had taken the instruction.
"Sorry if I was overcome with excitement and wanted to share it with my- with you," Buck trailed off. He caught himself before finishing the sentence, largely because he didn't actually know how he would have finished it.
My best friend, he considered, mulling over the phrase in his mind. It wasn't incorrect, per se- Eddie was his best friend, the person he called in a crisis, the person he spent the most time with, or at least, the adult he spent the most time with. Everyone knew they were best friends. Everyone at the 118, and by extension, their families, knew an invitation extended to one automatically included the other. Sold as set. Do not separate. But now, the phrase felt insufficient. Best friends don't typically raise children together, or put eachother in their wills. Buck wasn't even sure if men in their 30s usually had best friends, but he didn't really care. Their relationship had never really fit the mould.
My partner, he considered. They'd referred to eachother as such countless times, of course, always in the context of their working partnership on the job, and if they still found themselves using the term well after Eddie had become Hen's work partner- work husband, Eddie had said once, and Ravi Buck's, no one pulled them up on it. Old habits die hard.
Hm. If becoming a paramedic, Hen's working partner, made Eddie her work husband, did that imply he had previously been Buck's work husband?
My husband. Repeating the phrase in his head made Buck a little dizzy, but not in a 'Hey, let's check your blood pressure real quick' way. Dizzy in the way Buck imagined a cartoon character with birds flying around their head would feel. It was true, technically, officiated by Judge Collins, even sealed with a kiss. Unconsumated, an unhelpful voice from deep within Buck's subconscious chimed in. He shook his head, like it would empty out the thoughts running a mile a minute.
Across the table, Chris watched the two of them, his eyes narrowed suspiciously, Buck suddenly feeling very observed. He'd been told before that Chris looked like him, but right now, with that analytical expression and half-smile, he was all Eddie. Buck loved his like his own, had for years, and was proud of the person he was growing into. Chris had suffered more loss in fifteen years than some people would their whole lives, but instead of letting it jade him, Chris had grown into a teenager that, despite the eye-rolling, Buck was proud of- kind, funny, open in a way Buck had to undergo years of therapy to emulate. But, sometimes, for example, this exact moment with Chris' eyes flicking between Buck and Eddie, smirking, typing something, Buck did miss the little kid who giggled when Buck picked him up for a bear hug, who said love you easily and unabashedly, who most certainly did not look at Buck like he knew something the other didn't.
"Wow. You two fight like an old married couple," Chris said dryly, a little self satisfied. Buck turned to Eddie. Eddie turned to Chris, with the same suspicious expression Chris wore moments ago. Chris smiled sweetly, the picture of innocence.
"Who told you?" Eddie asked.
Chris made an act of reaching for a napkin and dabbing the side of his mouth.
"Told me what?" he replied brightly.
Exasperated, Eddie turned to Buck, who still had his head cocked to the left, towards Eddie. Buck raised both hands, and eyebrows. Not me.
Chris laughed. "Denny told me." Eddie sighed.
"Wait, how does Denny know?" Buck asked.
Theo, who had been almost uncharacteristically silent, chimed in, frustrated at not being included in the conversation. "What does Denny know?"
Eddie rubbed one finger under his lip.
"We, uh.." he glanced at Buck, then back to Theo. "We got married, bud."
"Ok. Can I have more icecream?" Theo replied. Eddie sat back in his chair and made a noise somewhere between an exhale and a laugh.
"No, you haven't even finished yet!" Buck told Theo, who frowned, stirring his icecream.
Remembering the direction in which they had intended for this conversation to go, before it was derailed courtesy of the 118 phone tree, Buck swallowed.
"So, uh.. how do you guys feel about that?"
Chris shrugged. "It's fine, I guess."
Eddie furrowed his brow. "You guess?"
"Well, usually you date someone before you marry them, but hey, each to their own. Just don't start making out in front of me," He added with a smirk.
Buck and Eddie both stammered. "It's not like that, Chris, it's mostly just to make paperwork and stuff easier with the social workers," Buck said gently. He could feel Eddie's eyes on him.
Chris set his phone on the table with a frown. He looked at Eddie. "Wait, so, you're gay," he turned to Buck. "And you're…"
"Bi," Buck supplied.
"And you got platonically gay married to … make things easier with the social worker?" Chris finished, equal parts amused and confused.
"What's gay?" Theo asked.
Eddie ran a hand through his hair. "It means a boy who likes other boys, or a girl who likes other girls', he said.
Theo nodded wisely. "Like Aunty Hen and Aunty Karen."
"That's right bud."
Buck's heart did something embarassing.
Theo stared at his icecream-soup, cogwheels turning in his head. He looked back up at Buck.
"You and Eddie are like Aunty Hen and Aunty Karen," he stated, more than asked.
Buck's embarrassing heart was now picking up speed, hammering against his ribcage. How did he explain to Theo that yes, he and Eddie were queer like Hen and Karen, and married like Hen and Karen, but not like that? How did he explain that really, what set them apart is that they don't kiss, or.. do other things he had no intention of explaining to Theo for a long, long time.
"Is that okay with you?" Eddie asked gently, terminating Buck's spiral once again.
Theo seemed to consider this, briefly, before nodding. "I like Aunty Hen and Aunty Karen."
Chris still had that mischevious expression on his face when Buck's eyes met his. Theo only smiled in response to the unimpressed look Buck shot him.
"Chris?" Eddie asked, quieter now.
"Yeah, whatever, I don't mind," he shrugged, but both Buck and Eddie could see right through his put-on air of indifference as a smile began to tug at his lips.
Buck exhaled, leaning back in his seat and stretching his legs out in front of him.
"Okay! Um, do you guys have any questions?" He started. Somewhere along the way, his left leg had landed dangerously close to Eddie's right, which he only realised as Eddie wordlessly extended his own leg, their legs now pressed together knee to ankle. It was a headrush.
Chris shook his head. "Whatever you two have going on is none of my business. Please don't make it my business," he said, with a pointed look at Buck.
"O…kay."
Theo chimed in. "Can I have more ice cream?"
The afternoon got away from them, the summer blending daytime into night, and before any of them realized, it was well past Theo's bedtime. Buck had made the four of them dinner, which they wolfed down appreciatively. This is great, Buck, Eddie had told him between sips of beer, which left Buck beaming. The boys had made themselves comfortable on the couch, entering what, at this point, had to be their hundredth round of whatever video game Theo was obsessed with this week, leaving Buck and Eddie to clean the dishes.
It was familiar, comfortable. Buck washed, Eddie dried. The first few times Buck had cooked for Eddie and Chris, he had insisted he do all the cleaning, swatting at Eddie's hands with a dishtowel when he offered to help. These days, Buck accepted the help, knowing that bar extreme injury or illness, there was no part of Eddie that was okay with Buck doing all the cooking and cleaning on his own. Besides, they worked well as a team, why waste that?
"So that went…" Buck started, placing a pan in the dishrack while Eddie worked on the inside of a glass.
"It went well, right?" Eddie finished, his voice a little unsure.
"I think so? I mean, Chris seemed to find it pretty amusing."
Eddie continued on the glass. "He's pretty quick with it," he admitted. He inspected the glass, now sufficiently dry, and wordlessly stepped behind Buck, around to his left and opened the cupboard to begin packing the dishes away.
"He gets it from you," Buck smirked. He shuffled, marginally, reaching for the pot that sat furthest to his left, putting him once again, within Eddie's gravitational field.
Eddie put the glasses away and closed the cabinet as he shot Buck a grin.
Buck smiled back, before ducking his head back down to the task at hand, ensuring he gave enough attention to the dishes and definitely not because his face suddenly felt hot. Eddie stepped back around Buck to the drying rack, this time, with a gentle hand on Buck's lower back, which did not help Buck's increasingly flushed face.
He flipped through his mental rolodex of appropriate, normal, not weird things to say, but drew a blank, and instead, what came out was "Do you guys just want to stay here tonight?"
It wouldn't be the first time, Buck had even converted the office, which would have otherwise collected a thick layer of dust by now, into an additional guest room, a guest room that just so happened to have several items of Chris' clothes in the dresser. There was evidence of Eddie and Chris in every room of the house- spare toothbrushes under the sink, Chris' favourite cereal in the cupboard, a calendar on the fridge filled out in two different sets of handwriting, shirts and sweats in Buck's wardrobe that had definitely belonged to Eddie originally, having gotten mixed up in a washing load back when they had lived together. It was nice, he thought, tangible representation of how interwoven their lives had become.
Eddie didn't reply straight away, leaving Buck to give in to his urge to fill the silence.
"I mean. You don't have to, obviously. I just, I just figured it's getting late, and we have plans in the morning, but no pressure. Obviously." He stammered.
"Obviously," Eddie repeated, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Buck bounced on his toes.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I'm pretty sure Chris' spare toothbrush is still here," Eddie answered easily.
"C-cool," Buck replied with a grin.
Eddie hung the dish towel back up and gave Buck's shoulder a squeeze as he headed for the living room, now suspiciously quiet. Buck wasn't sure when that happened. He kicked himself for it mentally.
Now out of Eddie's line of sight, Buck had half a mind to splash his face with cold water, but he thought better of it. He was pretty sure the water would just turn to steam on contact, anyway.
Buck gathered himself, and followed a few paces behind Eddie, who stood at the entry to the living room, arms crossed and expression fond as he turned around, a finger pressed to his lips, sshhhh. Buck complied, slowing his steps and sidling up beside Eddie to see Theo, fast asleep, slumped against Chris' side. Chris registered the presence in the doorway, then looked back to his phone, the picture of nonchalance, though he'd evidently turned the video game off and dimmed the lights for Theo's sake. Theo snorted, slightly, which grabbed Chris' attention, and the same fond smile Eddie wore soon began to spread over his face. The scene was hallmark-card perfect, and Buck's heart suddenly felt three sizes too big for his ribcage.
Eddie spoke quietly. "Chris, are you okay if we stay here tonight? Save us the trip back in the morning."
Chris yawned. "Yeah."
Buck brushed past Eddie to retrieve Theo, and hopefully, get him in bed without waking him up. He stirred slightly as Buck lifted him up, but settled his head over Buck's shoulder.
"Goodnight, Theo," Chris said without looking up.
"Night, Chris," Theo replied sleepily. Buck and Eddie exchanged looks, both equally undone by the sweetness of the whole scene.
"You too, Chris, c'mon," Eddie said.
Despite Buck's best efforts, Theo had woken up, fully this time, as Buck tucked him into bed, and after a tough negotiation leading to exactly two bedtime stories, had finally fallen back asleep. Buck watched, for a moment, as his breathing settled and became rhythmic. Carefully, he placed the books back on the shelf, turned the door knob and stepped back out into the hallway, where Eddie was reaching for the top shelf of the hallway linen cupboard. In the time it took to settle Theo, he had managed to shower and change into… Buck's clothes. The sweatpants pooled, slightly, at the floor, and sat low on his hips, exposing a sliver of golden skin as he stretched upwards, the grey marle shirt riding up. He turned to face Buck as he heard Theo's door click.
"Hey," he greeted. His cheeks were flushed, and his hair, usually so carefully gelled, fell loosely across his forehead. He looked handsome, which Buck could acknowledge, he wasn't blind. He knew Eddie was handsome, as a sort of known fact. The sky is blue, water is wet, Eddie Diaz is handsome. But seeing him in the low light, cheeks red and eyes crinkling slightly in the corner as he greeted Buck, it felt like something else entirely.
"H-hey," Buck replied, in his best impression of a normal person who didn't have an inexplicable swooping sensation in their stomach.
"Sorry, I didn't pack any clothes, and I didn't really want to sleep in jeans, especially not on the couch," he said, a little sheepish.
Buck shook his head. "No, no, you're fine. You uh, you look good," he said, immediately regretting his choice of words.
Eddie perked up. "Yeah?" he laughed. Buck returned his laugh, the tension somewhat dissapating as Eddie turned back to the cupboard. "Have you got any more blankets? I can only find toddler-sized ones."
"Oh, yeah, I think there's one in my room, I'll go get it," Buck replied. He brushed past Eddie, who trailed behind down the hallway. The door clicked open, and Buck grabbed the brown polar fleece blanket strewn across the foot of his bed. "Here you go," he said, offering the blanket to Eddie, who leaned against the door frame, eyes a little unfocussed.
"Eddie?"
"Oh. Yeah, thanks," he replied as he took the blanket, making no effort to remove himself from the doorway. Buck turned around to pick up a bouncy ball that would surely become a trip hazard in the early hours of the morning otherwise.
"He's too cool to say it, but I think Chris really likes having Theo around," Eddie started.
Buck turned to face him, ball in hand. "Yeah, he's really good with him," he smiled. He placed the ball on the dresser, walking around the bed back towards the door. "Theo loves Chris so much, and you, oh my God, he will not stop singing the praises of the Diaz boys," Buck laughed.
Eddie pushed himself off the door frame, taking a slow step into the room.
"Must be genetic," he teased.
Too tired to properly formulate a response, Buck only smiled and shook his head, looking at the floor. He lifted his gaze to see Eddie still looking at him, that same fond expression on his face. They stayed like that for what could have been any time frame between seconds and hours. Buck's breath caught in his throat.
"I should- uh, I should go to bed," he said.
"Yeah, me too," Eddie replied.
Neither made an effort to move.
Despite his feigned somnolence, Buck felt more awake than he had all day, his heart banging out a steady beat somewhere around 160bpm. His face felt hot, his hands buzzed, it was all so overwhelming. He looked away, fracturing the moment.
"Well, this is me," he joked, laughing weakly at his own attempt at humour. The air felt staticky, he was pretty sure if he looked in the mirror he'd see his hair standing on its end. Every cell of his body was set to vibrate, and suddenly every attempt at forming a cogent thought resulted in an output akin to TV static.
Eddie coughed slightly, scratching his head absentmindedly. "Right. Goodnight, Buck," he smiled, turning to head to his makeshift bed in the living room.
Buck stood still. Eddie took one step. Then another, and another, his silhouette fading into the darkness of the hallway.
Before Buck's conscious mind could weigh in, he spoke.
"Wait, Eddie."
Eddie turned around, an eyebrow raised.
Whatever had possessed him moments before fell away as soon as Eddie's eyes met his.
He exhaled. "You, uh, you can just stay in here, if you want," he offered.
Eddie paced, returning to his spot in the door frame, arms crossed.
"Do… you want me to?" he asked. His lips were pressed together in an expression that Buck couldn't quite read, equal parts unsure and hopeful.
Buck took a slow step closer, smirking, but only a little.
"Hey, I asked first," he teased.
Eddie considered this, nodding, eyes fixed on the floor.
"Okay. Yeah, I want to. Do you want me to?" He looked back up.
If Buck's body was set to vibrate before, the sound was definitely on now, on full blast.
"Yeah. I want you to," he replied breathily.
Again, neither moved.
"Buck," Eddie spoke.
"Yeah?"
"Is that all you want me to do?" Eddie took a step closer.
They were long past the point of plausible deniability now, breathing in eachothers air in the dimly lit bedroom, defenses lowered from the exhaustion of the day. Buck swallowed roughly, then shook his head.
Eddie took another step closer, close enough that Buck could feel the heat radiating off him, could smell his own shower gel on him, his laundry detergent on the shirt Eddie wore.
Eddie leaned in. The TV static of Buck's internal monologue had been switched off at the mains, there was nothing going on up there anymore. Every single one of his mental faculties had packed up, left the building and gone on long service leave, save for the few that stuck around to scream Eddie's name over and over.
Eddie's breath ghosted over his ear as he spoke.
"What do you want me to do, Buck?"
Buck exhaled shakily.
"Kiss me."
And so Eddie did.
It wasn't dissimilar to their first kiss in the dusty judge's chambers, hardly more than a chaste press of lips to lips. Buck didn't know what to do with his hands, which fell limp at his side until one of Eddie's curved around his waist, tugging him in. Buck followed suit, snaking one arm around Eddie, the other reaching up to cradle his face as he deepened the kiss.
He'd had kisses that felt like fireworks, kisses that set him alight and spurred him on, kisses fueled by passion and desparation. But kissing Eddie was different. His mind, so often running a mile-a-minute, quietened, and a deep sense of contentment bloomed within him. Kissing Eddie felt like home.
Eventually, Eddie pulled back, his arms still circling Buck in. His cheeks were flushed, moreso than before, Buck couldn't help but stare in awe. Eddie smiled.
"You're pretty good at that, you know," Eddie mused.
Buck laughed a little.
"Oh, I know. You're not so bad yourself," he teased, earning him an eyeroll.
"Shut up," Eddie replied, leaning back in.