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It wasn’t like there hadn’t been signs of any kind.
The ease they felt around each other had evaporated in silent yet significant ways. Something about it didn’t feel quite real to Yooyeon at the very moment. She was busy trusting in the naive promise they’d made when they were both young.
Things changed and that wasn’t a secret of any kind.
Seoyeon had bleached her hair, dyed it orange and then dyed it brown again. Every step of the way Yooyeon had been there one way or another.
With her jaw on the ground when she got a surprise picture on her birthday. At times she had sat on the edge of the bathtub and told Nien to not bleach off all of Seoyeon’s hair or they’d shave off their friend’s hair as revenge. Laughs echoed off the turquoise tiles Yooyeon had deemed an eyesore on move-in day while Seoyeon loved them all the more because they annoyed her so much.
Change was inevitable at the end of the day. Yooyeon wasn’t about to deny that and it had brought so many good things in tandem.
Their move brought them close to friends new and old, forged career paths, strengthened their resolve in making an impact. Be it succeeding as an architect or as an attorney.
Years had gone by and nobody could deny they built successful lives.
There used to be times where they’d turn down the heating in Winter and freeze into the night to save money. Living off packs of ramyeon and mashed potatoes while they studied until their eyes were straining from how dry and red they’d become.
Maybe it had been naive for Yooyeon to trust in this security that had built itself up around her. Around them. If there was going to be a them after the change in their feelings had become too strong to ignore.
Maybe it had been naive to trust altogether.
She wasn’t sure.
One of these days Yooyeon rather didn’t think about all of it among the boxes of things, belongings and clothes.
The ease that had become so familiar and almost blinding to Yooyeon’s senses had been wiped out with the strain now so obvious in Seoyeon’s neck.
Yooyeon swallowed and spoke first, she’d regret it, she was sure of it.
She’d regret it for…
“Weren’t you the one who promised us eternity?”
“Well I was wrong.”
It didn’t feel satisfying to finally hear out of Seoyeon’s mouth. If anything Yooyeon would rather stop time right here and not go on, go back and live in denial that this was about to happen.
“Are you happy now? Me, Yoon Seoyeon, admitting that I was wrong and your skepticism of eternal love had always been justified. Tell me, are you happy now? Happy that I am admitting weakness.”
Why would she be?
There weren’t any words Yooyeon felt like saying. There wouldn’t be any words that could remedy this.
But she was going to be stuck.
Stuck on the tightness in Seoyeon’s frown, the grief in her brown eyes and the loose hairs spilling out of her ponytail that spoke of exhaustion.
“Seoyeon-ah-“
“Don’t- please, unnie! Just don’t. I was wrong alright and I hate it. I wish I could keep going and know something didn’t change. Ignore it until the day I die and pretend that we’re fine.”
There had to be words Yooyeon could say and they’d be sincere enough for them to reconsider.
“What’s so wrong… about our feelings changing?”
Seoyeon’s arms were tight around herself and the grief seemed to spread massfold around her.
“Is this worth saving? Are we worth saving?”
Of course… Yooyeon wanted to say it so bad but something blocked the words from leaving her tongue.
The staggering didn’t go unnoticed and Seoyeon let out a mirthless sound.
“I used to feel so good around you, I wanted to spend all my time with you. Only you. It bordered on toxic if we’re being honest.”
“You were the only thing worth coming home to after multiple deadlines threatened to behead me like a guillotine.” Yooyeon said brokenly and didn’t look at Seoyeon, but she felt the gaze on her eyes. “Aren’t we being too rash?”
“I… I don’t know.” Seoyeon said under her breath and looked at the boxes in their room, next to the desk Yooyeon would lose sleep over. “Maybe… we need this.”
Yooyeon looked up to meet her eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“Something changed between us but… does it have to be bad, unnie? You’re still one of the most important people in my life.”
She snickered a little and let herself be swept away by this inkling of hope.
“You’re saying this distance is what we need.”
A shy, hopeful nod and Yooyeon let it fill her chest with possibility.
“We need to evaluate our priorities maybe, ourselves and maybe do some growth. Honestly this last year has been a mess but what part of our lives hasn't been?”
“I don’t know, maybe you getting lost in Sydney while I went to the bathroom.”
“Ya, unnie.” A smile bloomed on Seoyeon’s face and she shoved Yooyeon playfully. “We’ll talk.”
“Yeah.”
Even if their smiles were hopeful… Yooyeon didn’t know if she could trust it, trust any of it.
This could go either way.
But for now… Yooyeon wanted to keep soaking in that last bit of hope still reverberating in her hollowed out chest.