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Monday, February 13, 2018
It was the first year that Brother's birthday came without Brother being around to celebrate it.
I was used to not celebrating with him; we'd been separated long enough that it didn't bother me. But to know that he wasn't anywhere in the world anymore, that his age was forever frozen at one point in time, was something I hadn't quite come to terms with. A week ago, I would have said that I was prepared for it, because I'd known since I was little that he wouldn't always be there.
But the morning of his birthday, the reality of it struck me with the force of a physical blow.
Brother isn't here anymore.
I hadn't bothered to drag myself out of bed until the afternoon, finally driven to the cafeteria by the protests of my empty stomach. There, Sonoda-san had greeted me with less of his usual enthusiasm, offering me my choice of any meal for just one ticket. Yagami was there too, cutting class, but even he was awkwardly subdued, offering only token conversation as we sat there with our food. It wasn't until he stood and picked up his tray that he finally said something of substance.
Sorry, Kasahara. About your brother, I mean. I didn't really know him, but I met him a coupla times last year and he seemed like a nice guy.
No one questioned my absence from class that day, not even Yuki, who sometimes pushed too hard when I wanted to wallow in negative emotions. Instead, he sent me tons of messages throughout the day, keeping me informed of what was happening in class, but more importantly, conveying sympathetic messages from my other friends. Or rather, the friends I'd made because of Yuki. Of course, I received a few texts from guys in the track club and even one from Professor Sakaki, but almost all of the kind messages that poured in were directly related to Yuki in some way.
I sighed, putting my phone facedown on the nightstand so I wouldn't have to watch the stream of messages coming in. That didn't stop a twinge of guilt from tightening my chest as I curled deeper into my nest of blankets, wishing they could protect me from my own feelings as well as the sunlight.
I really am useless without you, Yuki. I can't keep pushing you away like this.
I'd barely managed to doze off again when there was a knock at the door. Yuki. It had to be. My heart thudded in my chest as I dragged myself from my blanket cocoon, rubbing sleep from my eyes as I shuffled across the dark room to unlock the door. As expected, my best friend was standing outside, his expression unusually solemn, eyes watery as he offered a greeting.
"Tomo... were you sleeping all day?" He peered around me into the room. "It's dark inside."
"Oh, yeah," I mumbled, reaching out to flip the light switch. My face scrunched as the stark fluorescent light stabbed at my eyes. "Ugh, so bright..."
"You'll feel better if you get some light, though." Yuki shifted from one foot to the other. "Um, can I come inside?"
"O, oh, yeah, sorry." I moved out of the way, letting Yuki enter the room. He didn't even comment on the mess of laundry that was piled on the floor or the junk that covered the low study table and my desk. He just wove his way through the piles and went straight to the curtains covering the sliding glass door, pulling them open to let in the pale winter sunlight. I winced, turning away from a ray of light that fell directly on my face.
Yuki didn't seem to notice, but he did take a second look at the room now that it was all lit up, the corners of his mouth turning down in a concerned frown. "Oh... it's pretty messy."
That was the understatement of the year. "Uh, yeah. I got busy with work so... haha."
He smiled a little, shrugging. "Well, you can always fix it later."
I smiled despite myself; we both knew that later never came. "Well, maybe I'll do some laundry this weekend... if I can remember which pile is the dirty stuff..."
Yuki's smile was gentle. "Tomo, if you wait until this weekend, you'll end up wearing a dirty uniform by the end of the week. I can help you do laundry if you want."
His sincerity made my heart skip a beat, and I shook my head, face getting warm as I imagined Yuki digging through my dirty clothes. I couldn't deal with the thought of him sorting out my underwear and stuff like that. "Uh, no, I can do that myself... I guess I'll get started tomorrow, then."
"Yeah, it would be bad if you ran out of clothes..."
We both stood there for a few moments, uncomfortable in the awkward silence. I hadn't really let Yuki come visit me in my room for a while, not wanting him to see how messy it had gotten over the last few weeks. I couldn't really help the mess, though. I'd been forced to attend a ton of meetings to deal with the board's stupid objections to my proposed changes to the admissions policy, and then I spent every weekend with Professor Ito and Mr. Suzubishi. Keeping up with classwork was hard enough; keeping my room clean didn't even register as a priority.
As usual, Yuki was the first to recover from the uncomfortable pause. "Tomo... I was worried about you all day. I kinda expected you to skip class, but you didn't reply to any of my messages."
"Yeah, I just didn't feel like it..." I muttered, and sat down on the bed, drawing my legs up to my chest. "I saw Yagami in the cafeteria, didn't he tell you I was okay?"
Yuki sat down beside me on the edge of the bed like it was no big deal, and my heart lurched at the squeak of the bedframe. He turned toward me with a little shrug and a pout. "But it's different to hear it from someone else... I wasn't sure if you were okay. And you waited so long to eat something, what if you ended up getting sick?"
That brought a tiny smile to my lips. "Yuki, I'm not gonna starve from skipping a meal or two."
"But you've been really busy with track club activities and director work lately, haven't you? There's been times where I wanted to ask you about stuff after curfew, and your room was still dark. You're not getting any time to eat or sleep, or take care of homework, or just relax..."
I couldn't deal with the kind concern in Yuki's tone, or the look of sincere worry on his honest face, wide green eyes rimmed with the bright beginnings of tears. I pushed myself off the bed, maybe a little too fast, because Yuki made a little sound of upset surprise as I stood with my back to him. The bed creaked as he stood too, but he remained behind me as he spoke.
"Tomo... I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about stupid things like clubs or work at a time like this." I couldn't see his face, but I knew that his head was bowed. "I just... it's easier to talk about silly things like that, instead of remembering about Nao-nii..."
Brother. A fresh wave of grief welled up, surprising me with its suddenness and intensity. By the time I'd dragged myself to the cafeteria in the afternoon, I'd felt completely dried up and empty, a hollow shell void of all emotion. That quiet peace melted away without a trace, and I pressed my hands to my face to keep the tears from escaping.
"Tomo?" Of course Yuki was at my side in an instant, his warm hand pressed to my shoulder in a show of support. "Tomo, I'm sorry..."
I shook my head, still hiding my face. "N, no, it's not you... I just... I knew it was going to happen, Brother's birthday without him around... I, I thought I was prepared, but..."
My knees felt weak, and I couldn't stand the thought that I was in the middle of my brightly lit dorm room with Yuki at my side, watching me fall apart. I wanted to hide in the comfort and warmth of the familiar darkness, covered by heavy blankets and insulated from the emotion of the world. Instead, something firm wrapped around my shoulders, and a warm weight pressed against my side. Before I knew it, I'd turned toward that warmth, my own arms sliding around it to pull it close.
Yuki returned my hug, sniffling against my shoulder as he squeezed me tight. "Tomo... I... it really sucks, every time I think about how close I came to seeing Nao-nii again... But I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you." He swallowed hard, fingers digging into my back.
Somehow it was easier to let my tears go with Yuki pressed against me, maybe because he wasn't looking directly at my face. I nodded, not bothering to hold back a quiet sniffle. "I just... I wanted him to see how things are getting better. Probably," I paused to take a gulp of air, "he died worrying about me, because he knew about the bad adoption, and he felt bad about pushing his position on me, and... I'm sure he knew the board would try something..."
"Yeah," Yuki murmured, nodding.
"So, I just wish... he could see me now, how I'm doing track again, that I want to work on making this school a better place just like he dreamed..." My hands rubbed over Yuki's back; he was warm, almost hot, overwhelmed with emotion. There was some wetness at the side of my collar, and I wasn't sure if it was Yuki's tears, or maybe snot. But I didn't care. "And that I might even get to have a family again..."
"Tomo..." Yuki nuzzled up against the side of my neck, and my heart fluttered. He continued speaking, oblivious to my reaction. "I'm sure Nao-nii is watching over you, Tomo. After all, he's watching the entire school from that hill on the mainland..."
"Yeah," I mumbled in response, the words not really registering. My senses were already flooded with information, an unconscious reaction to the immediate reality of Yuki's small body burning against me. My arms tightened reflexively around his back, and I couldn't resist pressing my face into his hair and breathing in the scent of his cheap shampoo.
Yuki was the ultimate forbidden fruit; though he belonged to someone else, I'd dreamed of him for months, filled alternately with the heat of desire and the chill of disgust and self-loathing. When I was alone, it was easy to focus on all the reasons why I shouldn't want him.
But with his body in my arms, pressed tight against mine, all reason fled my mind. I just wanted.
I ducked my head to bury my face against the side of his neck, eyes dropping shut as I breathed in his subtle natural scent. He patted my back with a murmured it's okay, mistaking my caress for a desire to hide my tears. Encouraged by his easy acceptance of my behavior, my hands slid down his jacket, lingering at the small of his back, resting lightly at the top of the slight curve of his hips.
"Um, Tomo?" Yuki sounded confused.
He smells so good... he's so warm... Yuki...
One hand rubbed over his back, enjoying the feel of that gentle curve, the mere suggestion of the transition from Yuki's back to his butt. But my other hand wasn't content with just the hint of Yuki's shape, drifting down to brush over the real thing. As expected, Yuki's backside was soft beneath my hand, but firm if I pressed on it, just like the smooth skin of his arm or back. My heart thudded in my chest as those bits of information flooded my brain: warm, smooth, firm, suddenly tense--
Yuki pulled away from my grasp, arms held in front of his chest, palms facing me, as if he was about to shove me away. His eyes were wide, cheeks bright red as he stared at my face, mouth half-open in shock. His expression made it clear that the tears gathering in his eyes were more than just sympathy for my loss.
My eyes grew round as well, and my stomach knotted. What the hell am I doing? Oh my god, I can't believe I just did that! Yuki's your best friend, no, your brother! What the fuck, Tomo?!
After a few moments, Yuki lowered his arms to his sides, looking guilty. "S, sorry, Tomo... I just, I was startled, um..."
I shook my head, swallowing my guilt long enough to force out a response. "N, no, Yuki, don't apologize, you didn't do anything... I..."
I couldn't stand the hurt look on his face, and I turned my back, shoulders hunching as if that would protect me from his confused stare. "I'm sorry," I repeated, knowing that a crappy apology would never be enough. "I think I need some time alone... today is just... it's really overwhelming, and I..."
More tears leaked from the corners of my eyes, and I reached up to scrub them away with the back of my hand. You don't have any right to cry, you disgusting pervert!
"Tomo..." From his tone, I knew that Yuki was still worried about me.
"Please, Yuki, I need some time, okay?"
Please go. Please, Yuki, I'm gross and weak and I don't trust myself right now.
I watched his shadow nod. "Y, yeah... I understand." He squared his shoulders. "But! If you need to talk more today, I'm here for you. I want to help you..."
I looked back just as Yuki turned to leave. Though I only had a split second to look at his face, I swear there were tears glittering in his eyes as he turned around. My heart sank as I watched him scurry from the room, reaching up to rub at his cheek with one hand as he disappeared into the hallway. The door clicked shut behind him, and I flopped onto the bed with a deep and shaking sigh, burying my face in the pillows.
"I can't do this anymore," I mumbled into the pillowcase.
If I didn't hurry up and get my shit together, my relationship with Yuki would continue to deteriorate. No, it would crumble to nothing. There was only so much pushing away, evasion, and now, inappropriate groping, that a friendship could endure, even one like ours.
If you keep being an asshole, you're going to lose everything. Is feeling up Yuki's ass for half a second worth losing your best friend forever?
I tried to swallow back the knot in my throat, but it only tightened more as I thought about how stupid I'd been. Tears welled up again, not the pure, cleansing tears of heartfelt grief, but shameful, bitter drops of self-pity and disgust. I'd been such an idiot. All this obsessing over Yuki, feeling hurt that he'd chosen someone other than me, my anger over the rumors that had been flying about him ever since the end of the Bell One, all of it was pointless. Yuki was with someone else, that much was clear from his behavior, and the truth was, it was none of my business.
Hell, Yuki had even tried to make it my business, eager to share his excitement with me, but I'd rejected him so thoroughly the few times he'd attempted to tell me that he'd soon given up. Yuki wasn't holding anything back from me. I was the one who had rejected him.
The more time that passed, the more I began to suspect that maybe I wasn't even genuinely attracted to Yuki. Maybe my feelings of friendship and gratitude had been kicked into overdrive by the emotional mess of the Bell One, and I'd fixated on him because he was the only person who actually gave a shit about me. I wasn't interested in any other guys and honestly, I didn't find their bodies attractive in any way. Was it possible to be attracted to someone just on an emotional level? But the way I'd groped Yuki just now, didn't that mean I liked his body too?
"Ugggh," I groaned, pulling the blankets up and over my head, blocking out the light. Why did this have to be so complicated? Why couldn't I just turn off my emotions?
You can't do this by yourself.
I jumped, heart pounding. "Who...?"
It took a few minutes to calm down. Of course, there was no one else in my room, but that thought was so sudden and so different from the despairing ones that had been running through my mind that I could have sworn that someone had whispered it in my ear.
"Brother...?" I threw back the blanket and rushed to my desk, digging through the mess of papers on the surface, searching for the worn envelope that Yuki had given me on my birthday, the one with Brother's letter inside. It was nestled under a stack of manga I'd borrowed from Yuki months ago, and I snatched it up, taking the papers from the pale yellow envelope.
There it was, the line I'd vaguely remembered.
He will bear the burden of a problem he can't solve on his own.
My fingers unconsciously tightened, wrinkling the edges of the paper. "Brother... was that you, trying to tell me I need help with this too?"
But from who? Who could help? My thoughts immediately went to Dr. Matsuoka, who was always good at listening, but... he was too much like a therapist, encouraging me to talk about issues without offering any concrete possibilities for solutions. And honestly, though he was kind enough to let me sleep through classes whenever I was exhausted, and happy to share stories about Brother's time as director, we weren't close. He hadn't been able to help me when I was pressured by the board. A lot of that was my fault, since I'd desperately hid the details of the situation from all the adults who should have supported me, but I couldn't help feeling a little betrayed.
But maybe... since I'd gotten close to Professor Ito, I could ask him? He was closer to my age, too, and since he was dating a guy, he might understand things more than someone else. Honestly, I couldn't think of anyone else to ask.
I'm just not sure I can wait until the weekend to do something about this...
I put Brother's letter back into the envelope with a heavy sigh. "I'm gonna do something about this," I said quietly, almost in a whisper, "but I'm starting tomorrow. Today, I need to focus on something more important than myself."
And there was only one way to make myself really focus. I dug my running shoes, the ones Yuki had gotten me for my birthday, out of my gym bag, and headed out to the track.
~ end ~