Archive of Our Own ^beta

Monday, January 15, 2018

I sat at the worktable in Professor Sakaki's office, eyes sliding over the papers in front of me without truly seeing any of the words printed on them. I blinked, shaking my head in a vain attempt to clear away the mental fog, and pulled the nearest page closer.

Proposal to Establish a Self-Recommendation Procedure for Bell Liberty School. It was a fancy title, and the page was filled with carefully chosen words and businesslike explanations courtesy of Professor Sakaki, but the basic idea was simple. Brother's diaries had contained thoughts on several major changes to the enrollment policy, and this was the most striking: allow 'ordinary' students to apply for enrollment as well. A radical idea when compared to the legendary invite-only method, though it was the norm for other high schools. The proposal outlined the details of how selection would be handled - not through an entrance exam, but via interviews and practical demonstrations of special talent - but I knew the board wouldn't be satisfied with a simple overview. They would demand a practical explanation of how selection would be handled, and by whom, and how the school would cover the time investment, and so on.

"Uggggh," I sighed, closing my eyes. I wasn't in the mood to go over difficult proposals in detail, especially one that the professor seemed to find personally important. He'd been pushing me to review and comment on it for over a week now. I knew that Brother had strongly supported the plan as well, but his journal made it clear that Professor Sakaki had been the first to propose it and had contributed most of the content. In fact, on the day we'd planned to start drafting the reform proposals, the professor had simply handed over the proposal that was sitting in front of me right now.

You already wrote this up? Wow... that was fast.

It's been done since last January. We... never had the chance to present it to the board.

My chest tightened, remembering the hollow note in the professor's tone. I won't let that happen again. Even if it's a ton of work, even if they fight me every step of the way. You'll back me up, just like Brother would.

That thought conjured another one, less optimistic. Ugh, the next time I see Mr. Suzubishi, I'm gonna have to deal with all of that mess. I'm sure Professor Ito called him the second I left the apartment yesterday. He'll have all week to stew on it. This weekend is gonna be hell...

I pushed that thought aside, gritting my teeth as I forced myself to read the proposal again. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to return to my room and take a nap, but I knew that the moment I didn't have anything to distract myself, my mind would drift back to my talk with Professor Ito. Even now, I could see his eyebrows rising as I explained the Sakaki Group's plot to close the school, and hear the shock in his voice as he demanded to know why I hadn't asked anyone for help.

'I could have done something! I could have gotten Kazuki to stop it! Kasahara-kun, why!?'

Because he doesn't care about me! Brother's body was still warm, and he was pawning me off on a bunch of strangers, no sympathy, no explanation, no responsibility! You think I'd trust someone like that with anything!?

But of course I hadn't said that. I'd bitten my lip to hold back the sharp response, forcing my usual calm mask into place as the professor carried on:

'You could have told me, or Dr. Matsuoka, we would have--'

I'd tuned him out at that point. You would have told Mr. Suzubishi everything, that's what! Why, would he come running back to Japan to save his precious school, never mind giving a damn about me, an actual person with feelings?

I held my head in my hands, elbows on the table. I really hadn't meant to make the professor cry. My cheeks colored in shame as I remembered his expression: shocked, ashamed, remorseful. Worse still, the anger that had followed, an unfamiliar hardness in his eyes as he promised me that he would 'straighten this whole mess out.'

I didn't even want to imagine the phone call that had followed our conversation. And all I'd done was explain the situation with the research data; I couldn't bring myself to talk about that agonizingly awkward conversation, when I'd been trapped between Professor Sakaki and Mr. Suzubishi as they sniped at each other.

It was cowardly enough, dumping stuff on Professor Ito knowing that he'd pass it on for me. I'll have to confront Mr. Suzubishi about that conversation in person. Probably this weekend.

The thought was enough to twist my gut into knots. "Ugh, stop dwelling on it, that's not going to help!" I forced my eyes open, staring down at the proposal. Focusing on work was the only way to escape my anxiety about the inevitable explosion. Torturing my brain, trying to find new and effective rebuttals to the objections the board would throw at us, that was all I could do.

Or I could go for a run.

No, that was a bad habit. But that didn't stop me from getting up from the table and moving to stand in front of the large window that covered most of one wall, gazing out over the campus. Professor Sakaki's office didn't face the track, not directly, but it was easy to imagine that the shrill whistles coming from the other athletic fields could have been from the track club. I hadn't been able to go for a run in a couple of days, thanks to work and school and spending the weekend with Professor Ito. I was starting to get restless.

I jumped as the door creaked open, and for a brief moment, I considered dashing back to my seat and pretending I hadn't been goofing off. That was unreasonable and impossible, though, so I forced myself to stand still as Professor Sakaki stepped inside. I offered him a listless wave as he came in and shut the door behind himself. "Hello, Professor. I hope you don't mind that I let myself in. I wanted to get started as soon as possible. Though I guess I'm taking a little break right now..."

He waved off my concerns. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm the one who's late today." He sighed, running one hand back through his hair as he plodded across the room. I took the opportunity to settle back into my usual place at the work table while he gathered a few folders from his desk. After he sat down, I waited for him to open them, or to ask about my progress with the proposal. Instead, he sat with his arms folded over his chest, eyeing me thoughtfully.

"Er, Professor, is something wrong?" I offered a weak smile, stomach tight.

"Kasahara. Did you speak to Professor Ito this weekend?"

I knew it. I looked at the professor, carefully avoiding actual eye contact. "Um... I did end up telling him about the situation with the Sakaki Group and the research data..."

"And my involvement in that plot, I assume."

I tried not to fidget. "Well..."

"Don't worry about it, Kasahara. There isn't any way to explain that mess without mentioning my part in it. I was guilty of pressuring you, after all." He leaned his body forward, trying to catch my eye, but I stubbornly evaded. "Hmph. Did you tell him about your distrust of Suzubishi as well?"

I bit my lip, not sure how to explain. Professor Ito would have been devastated, I'm sure. And it was hard enough telling him about the blackmail, and remembering how desperate I felt then, and how I was so determined to protect that research data... throwing more on the pile would have been impossible for me...

Professor Sakaki waited for my response, but when it became clear that one wasn't forthcoming, he sighed again, unfolding his arms. "I suspected as much. Ito has been giving me the cold shoulder all day." He rested one elbow on the table, leaning his cheek against his hand with a snort. "Well, maybe that's a good thing. Today was the first day he managed all of his work without looking to me for any sort of assistance. If being upset with me helps him develop more independence, then fine."

I finally managed to make eye contact. "I'm sorry, Professor... I knew Professor Ito would tell Mr. Suzubishi everything. That's why I couldn't, um..." I looked away again. "I couldn't tell him about that conversation, the one back when we first met."

"You intend to handle that problem in person? Wise decision. When is Suzubishi coming back?"

"This weekend, unless he has to stay longer for some reason." I paused for a moment, then added, "Er, you seem awfully calm about this, Professor..."

He shrugged. "If my only punishment for allowing myself to be pressured into my family's plot is some silent disapproval from a coworker, I'm getting off easy. Honestly, I'm surprised that things have gone so smoothly since then." He straightened up in his seat, motioning toward the papers that littered the table. "I kept my job, and I've already returned to my position on the board. I was given the chance to work on improving a school. Maybe it's not the school I wanted, but a school like that doesn't exist right now anyway. Better to start with something and mold it into the shape I want instead of struggling to create something from nothing. And somehow none of the students seem to hold my involvement, however much they understand of it, against me. Including you, Kasahara. Therefore, I have no reason to be upset about anything."

His faint smile somehow put me at ease, and my shoulders relaxed. "Well, if you put it that way..."

A brief but comfortable silence followed. Anyone who knew the story of what had happened at the school would expect me to dislike or be intimidated by the professor, when in reality, I felt calm and relaxed around him. It wasn't just his air of quiet maturity, which made him easy to talk to and slow to truly anger, but his unspoken understanding of my circumstances. Or rather, our circumstances, two tragic stories running almost in parallel. I'd never really considered him to be the enemy.

"Kasahara, let's get to work," the professor interrupted my musings. "There's a lot to--"

The rest of his comment was cut off by a deafening bang as the office door exploded inward and slammed into the wall. I jumped, hand going instinctively to my chest. The pounding of my heart against my palm intensified as my wide eyes took in the figure that glowered from the doorway.

"M, Mr. Suzubishi... when...?"

He stalked into the room, the force of his presence not reduced one bit by the rumpled appearance of his formal suit or the slight disorder of his usually neat hair. His angry, purposeful stride set off alarm bells in my mind, conjuring indistinct impressions of my adoptive father stomping around the office, displaying his displeasure to a handful of cowed employees. And though Mr. Suzubishi's fierce glare was focused on the professor, not me, my entire body still tensed in anxious anticipation.

The storm has arrived.

But why, how? It had been less than twenty-four hours since I'd left Professor Ito behind at the apartment. The flight back from America was long, though I wasn't sure exactly how long. I only remembered that Mr. Suzubishi complained about it every time. From the state of his clothing and hair, it seemed that he'd rushed directly from the airport to the school without sparing a single minute to collect himself.

Holy crap, he came all the way from America on such short notice without stopping even once...

Professor Sakaki recognized the danger of that sharp presence immediately, halfway out of his chair before Mr. Suzubishi let loose his first volley of words. They were tight and sharp with the effort of restrained anger. "Professor Sakaki, I asked you to guide Kasahara-kun. Nao-kun wanted you to support him. Instead, you betrayed him, and me, and Nao's faith in you."

The professor stood with his back to me, nearly blocking Mr. Suzubishi from view. His cool manner was the complete opposite of Mr. Suzubishi's, shoulders perfectly relaxed, no hint of tension in his voice as he spoke. "What are you doing here, Suzubishi?"

"I'm protecting Kasahara-kun."

My heart skipped a beat. You're... what? I leaned to one side, trying not to look like I was obviously peering around the professor to see Mr. Suzubishi's face. His expression was unlike any I'd ever seen; even when dealing with nonsense overseas calls on a day off, his face never hardened like that. At worst, he got exasperated. Now, with his brows drawn and eyes dangerously narrow, he was fierce and intimidating, a vengeful prince who would not accept any defiance.

Professor Sakaki snorted. "Protecting him from what?"

Mr. Suzubishi took a step to one side, preventing the professor from blocking me from his view, but his sharp gaze remained fixed on the professor's face. "Professor Sakaki, don't embarrass yourself by pretending you had no involvement in the recent situation at this school. I know you were blackmailing Kasahara-kun."

I cringed a little at his cold words. Sorry, Professor, I guess Professor Ito really did spill everything...

Still, the professor was unruffled. "Everything's already settled. You've wasted your time and money coming back here to scold me for something that's in the past now."

"You think you can get away with a flippant 'all's well that ends well' here? The outcome doesn't excuse your actions!" Steely blue eyes flicked to me; the brief moment of contact made my stomach lurch. "And you're still manipulating Kasahara-kun. I won't allow this to continue, Professor."

No one's manipulating me... is he assuming, just because we're together right now...?

A note of irritation crept into the professor's voice. "Do you even understand what was happening here, Suzubishi? Do you know anything more than the choice details your lover decided to filter through to you?"

Mr. Suzubishi's eyes went wide, and I averted my gaze before he could glance at me. Well, at least that one's not my fault, Professor Sakaki already knew about them somehow...

The professor used the moment of stunned silence to press on, "Spare me your fake concern. You certainly didn't seem too deeply invested in understanding the situation back when you attempted to dump Kasahara on me."

Mr. Suzubishi's hands clenched at his sides. "I asked you to be his advisor, not his parent," he hissed. "If expecting the adult who is officially in charge at this school to support the director, a minor, is 'dumping him on you,' then I'm proud to be guilty of that."

"Expectations and reality are two different things. I told you no. I didn't deceive you into believing that I was going to be an ally. You knew who I was and exactly why I was here at this school, and yet you still asked me--"

"Don't use your family as an excuse! Nao-kun knew that you wanted no part of that!"

The professor's body stiffened. "Don't you dare bring Nao into this."

"Why not?" Mr. Suzubishi hissed. "Just because he's not here anymore doesn't mean he wouldn't be shocked by your behavior."

It was time for the professor's hands to clench at his sides, voice tight as he snapped, "I'm pretty sure he'd be shocked by yours as well, Suzubishi. Jetting off to America, leaving behind a boy who'd just lost his last blood relative, pushing him off into the care of your lover and a personal friend without bothering to tell him who those people were or why they mattered to you." He snorted. "Nao would be disgusted."

"Don't--"

Professor Sakaki raised his voice, drowning out whatever protest Mr. Suzubishi was offering. "Tell me, Suzubishi, why did you become Kasahara's guardian if you had no intention of caring for him? At least Nao had a reason for asking me to watch over him. What's your excuse?"

Whatever Mr. Suzubishi had been trying to say, the professor's words stopped him cold. I stared at the professor's back, wishing I could see his expression, wondering if his claim was true and not an exaggeration thrown out in the heat of debate. I pushed myself up from my chair, heart pounding as Mr. Suzubishi collected himself enough to mutter, "He never said anything about that to me..."

"Of course not, it was between us. It had nothing to do with you." He glanced at me as I came around the table to stand in a neutral space halfway between the two of them. "Nao asked me if I'd take care of his brother if something happened to him. I said no."

"Why?" The word left my lips before I could catch myself.

The corner of his mouth twisted up into a bitter smile. "I didn't want to acknowledge that my closest friend was ill. That's all, Kasahara."

That's not what I meant... why did Brother ask you...?

Before I could open my mouth to correct the misunderstanding, Mr. Suzubishi thrust a finger at the professor's face. "I can't believe you. Nao-kun trusted you that much, and this is how you repaid that trust, by using his little brother? How can you sleep at night? You--"

"That's it! That's enough!"

Both men turned toward me, shock plain on their faces. Their odd unison would have been funny if I hadn't been so angry. Professor Sakaki was the first to recover, but I waved my open hand at him sharply - be quiet! - and focused my glare on Mr. Suzubishi. "You don't understand anything, do you? You are the one who betrayed Brother."

"Kasahara-kun..." His look of confused hurt might have moved me only a week before, cowing me into taking back my bold statement. Now, after stewing on Professor Sakaki's advice for a few days, I only felt hollow irritation. It had been the same when the professor's brother had confronted me in the director's office, necessity transforming me into a confident man who Yuki had barely recognized. All the fear and apprehension that had built up since our first meeting had been replaced by the calm of a clear mind, filled with the arguments I'd quietly practiced all weekend. The storm had arrived earlier than expected, true, but my words were ready for it.

I will not be silenced here, by you or the professor.

"Brother asked you to take care of me. He was dying, and he asked you for help. You agreed to become my legal guardian, but the first thing you did once he was gone was try and shove me off on a bunch of strangers. Professor Sakaki may have refused your request, but he's the one who's offered me the most support." Our eyes locked. "How can you sleep at night, Mr. Suzubishi?"

In the time that passed before his response - only a second or two, though for me it felt like forever - my heart hammered against my ribs, mind swimming. You've gone too far, too far, what are you doing, you can't just say what you want!

Mr. Suzubishi looked troubled by my jab, not angry. "Nao-kun knew about my relationship with Keita, he wouldn't have been upset--"

The petty excuse extinguished the heat of worry, transforming it into the frost of a tightly controlled anger. I unconsciously straightened up to my full height, shoulders back and head held high as I fixed him with a stare. "Maybe Brother knew, but I didn't. Professor Ito and Dr. Matsuoka were complete strangers to me. All I knew was that they worked at the school. You didn't mention that they were close personal friends, or, in Professor Ito's case, much more."

He seemed unable to meet my eyes. "We... have to be careful."

"To that extreme? I can understand wanting to keep your relationship a secret from a boy you just met, but would downplaying it and calling him a friend really have been too suspicious?"

A few tense moments passed before he mumbled, "I wasn't thinking clearly. It was a difficult time."

The cold within calmed my heart, soothing its frantic beating. Time slowed along with my heartbeat, allowing me the opportunity to think before speaking, to choose my words carefully. It had been the same on the day I'd stood up to Professor Sakaki's brother. Yuki's not with me now, but that doesn't matter. I can do this. I don't have to give in to an adult in a position of power. I don't have to apologize to anyone who has wronged me.

All this thought happened in a handful of heartbeats, just enough time to take in Mr. Suzubishi's slight frown, the hint of weariness in his expression. He knows he's wrong. "Mr. Suzubishi, you say that, but I doubt anyone was having a more difficult time than me. Especially after dealing with the two of you." I glanced at Professor Sakaki, noting that he also wore a somewhat guilty expression, letting my eyes linger only for a moment before turning back to Mr. Suzubishi. "Back then, did you honestly think about the impact of what you were saying?"

He didn't respond, so I continued, "You claimed it was 'not your duty' to help me deal with my emotions. Surely you remember that. I'd like to believe you aren't so callous or ignorant, but since you've been stubbornly pretending that never happened, how am I supposed to come to any other conclusion?"

To my surprise, the professor spoke up, though his usually bold tone was subdued. "Kasahara. That comment was meant for me."

I glanced at him, eyes wide, and he offered a faint, brief smile, barely more than a quirk of the lips. "It was Suzubishi's rather blatant attempt to provoke a reaction from me. Isn't that right?"

"What?" I glared at my guardian, who remained silent. "Is that true?"

He sighed, reaching up to press one hand to the side of his head for a moment, as if he'd been struck by a sudden headache. "I knew that Nao-kun and the professor were friends. I thought... if I said something shocking, it might push him to continue working to realize Nao-kun's ideals instead of going back to fighting against them."

As my brain struggled to process the absurd confession, unable to grasp how any of it made sense, the professor let out an aggravated sigh. "And you didn't pause for a single moment to consider just how arrogant and condescending that was? Did you really think spouting off something that callous in front of Nao's little brother would be an effective manipulation tactic?" His eyes narrowed, his expression sour as he glared. "This is exactly why I can't stand you, Suzubishi."

Mr. Suzubishi glared right back, unflinching. "I said I wasn't thinking clearly. Anyway, you weren't much better, threatening to deceive Kasahara-kun. And did you already forget that you actually blackmailed him?"

Was this going to dissolve into some childish game of finger pointing? "Don't make false accusations, Mr. Suzubishi. That's not true."

"What? That's not what Keita..."

I shook my head. "Professor Sakaki wasn't... he didn't really try to blackmail me. Did Professor Ito tell you everything I said, or was it only what he thought he heard? The professor was pushing me to make a decision, not to make any particular decision."

Mr. Suzubishi cast another dirty look at Professor Sakaki, earning a defiant snort in response. "The fine details don't matter, what he did to you was wrong--"

A bit of fire flared up again, and I snapped, "The fine details do matter! This is why I never told you or Professor Ito anything, you can't possibly understand, do you have any idea what it's like to be pressured by your own family? You think I didn't know what I was doing was wrong back when I was hacking networks and intercepting data? I didn't know exactly what I was stealing, but even a preschool child knows that stealing is wrong!"

He raised one eyebrow. "Kasahara-kun, what does that have to do with this?"

"Everything, which is why it's so disappointing that you seem unable to grasp any of it."

"There's nothing left to grasp about that situation." He offered a tentative smile, tone warm in what was surely meant to be an attempt to reassure me. "You're a minor, you weren't responsible--"

I silenced him with another wave of my hand. "Don't make excuses for a situation you don't understand. I was responsible enough. I chose to do it anyway, and do you have any idea why? Because those people were my parents and I wanted to make them happy. I wanted them to praise me and accept me and love me."

I glanced at the professor. Just like you.

I'd never seen Professor Sakaki look as uncomfortable as he did in that moment, face pale and lips slightly parted in shock. It took him a second to recover his composure enough to offer a weak shake of his head and a dry murmur. "Kasahara, don't..."

I'm sorry, but I'm not letting you off the hook either.

For the moment, though, I turned my attention back to Mr. Suzubishi and continued, "The only time my adoptive parents were happy with me was when I retrieved data for them. Of course I kept doing it, chasing every little scrap of information, equating them to the scraps of affection I'd earn in exchange. Better still, if I could keep them happy with me, then I wouldn't have to go back to the orphanage as a failure. I wouldn't disappoint Brother who was so happy that I'd chosen to go on ahead of him. If things got hard, then I just had to work harder and do what they wanted without complaint or hesitation. It didn't matter whether it was right or wrong. I just had to do it."

"Kasahara-kun..." His voice wavered, not much, just enough that I knew he was shaken.

You're finally getting it. And now...

I shifted from one foot to the other, turning toward Professor Sakaki. "You know what it's like, Professor. Fighting to balance what's right with what your family wants. I could tell, not when we first met, I was too numb then to pay attention, but when we started working together at the school. You were just like me. How much of their pressure fell solely on your shoulders while you protected me from its full weight? You never complained, you just bore it, urging me to take action."

The professor was silent, watching me with the desperate wariness of a trapped animal. I felt a small pang of guilt; I didn't want to corner anyone. I only wanted to have my say, and if that led to a few uncomfortable moments, well, that was little in comparison to what I'd already felt.

"Because you couldn't take action yourself, right? Not then, anyway. I wasn't angry or resentful." I allowed myself a small, humorless smile. "I knew exactly what that was like..."

Professor Sakaki lowered his eyes and said nothing.

The pause gave Mr. Suzubishi time to recover his voice, though it was unstable as he spoke. "Why didn't anyone say something to me about what was going on at the school? Professor, there was nothing stopping you from calling me if it was too difficult for Kasahara-kun to speak up."

I didn't bother masking my frustration as I snapped, "Are you listening to anything I'm saying? The same exact thing that stopped me from reporting my parents is what stopped the professor from contacting you!"

Professor Sakaki sighed, not his usual sharp sound of exasperation, but a noise of quiet exhaustion. "Kasahara, please stop talking about my personal situation."

"Why? It's relevant to this conversation. Frankly, Professor, I don't care if this is uncomfortable for you." I glanced from the professor to Mr. Suzubishi. "Let me remind you that you're both in the wrong here, though to different degrees, and you're so busy attempting to point fingers at each other that you've lost sight of the real issue. I'm the one who was wronged. By both of you."

I paused to let that sink in, eyeing them both, daring them to deny it. No one spoke.

"Do you have any idea how I felt back then, adopted by a couple who said they wanted a bright child as an heir, then pressured into stealing information in order to win their affection? They were the ones who committed a crime, but do you know what I thought as they were led away? That it was somehow my fault. That maybe if I'd worked harder and found better information, they wouldn't have had to keep stealing from different places. That maybe I could have hidden the spyware that was embedded in their legit software packages better. And that maybe they hated me, because I wasn't able to save them or their company, and they'd gotten too desperate or too greedy, and that's why they were caught."

I glanced at Mr. Suzubishi's face, but I had to lower my eyes after a moment. "And now again, someone's interested in adopting me and making me their heir - don't be surprised," I quickly added as his shoulders stiffened, "it's obvious that's what you're planning. Only this time it's a massive corporation. The pressure is something I can't even imagine. And I've already failed once. You know what I do when I can't handle the pressure? I run away."

I turned away from the two adults and walked toward the window. "You can't see it from this angle, but the track, that's where I go. When you sprint the four hundred meters, it's all you can do to keep your body from giving out. There's no time for thought or emotion. Just breathe and keep the pace. I ran when I was with that couple, too, because I didn't want to face the truth: they didn't care about me, not as an individual. They needed my mind and my skills. I was just an interchangeable part to them, another tool they used in their day-to-day business."

I stared out the window, at the bare trees dotting the frozen landscape.

"Brother was the only person in the world who truly cared about me. Well, Haruno-san and everyone else at the orphanage cared too, but it wasn't individual care. They did their best for all the kids and tried not to favor any of us over the others, though everyone was extra kind to me after I went back there. It was hard, being there without Brother, but I was happy that he'd finally found a family that wouldn't reject him just because he was sick. How many times was he passed over because he was thought to be defective?" My hands clenched at my sides. "I never should have left him alone like that..."

"You did what you thought was right, Kasahara," Professor Sakaki's voice came from behind me.

I turned around, anger rising again, and shook my head sharply. "No. I did what Brother encouraged me to do, but he was wrong! He wanted what was best for me, but it was the worst! If my own brother, my only family, couldn't get it right, how am I supposed to trust anyone now?" I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat. "I thought I'd get to see him again. When the Platinum Paper came, it was like this dark cloud was lifted from me. We were going to be together, just the two of us, a real family again. And then... he was gone."

No one said anything. That, at least, was a story both were familiar with, the fairytale ending gone horribly wrong. Two brothers finally reunited, but only for a few days before being split apart forever by the inescapable tragedy that had been looming for years. And in the time we'd been apart, what had happened? I still didn't know what Brother's life had been like, not really, only vague mentions and snippets of stories dispensed in moments of vulnerability. It was like no one dared to speak of him, lest they stir up the dust of depressing memories.

It's not fair. Why did these two get the best years of Brother's life?

I shouldn't have given voice to those feelings, but the words were spilling out before I could stop them. "You know, I kind of hate you two for having the chance to spend time with him. There's a whole chunk of Brother's life that I know nothing about, and you two, you strangers know it. He was my brother, and you got to experience the best of him."

No good. I was losing my grip on the situation, overwhelmed by long-buried emotion. It forced its way out of that dark hiding place, taking form in the sweat that broke out over my entire body and the tears that stung my eyes. Still, I fought to draw in a steady breath, heart pounding as the rough gasp hitched in my throat. "All I got was the sad, ragged end of the thread of his life. I didn't get to see him work or have these ideals you're always talking about. He was sick, he was in pain, and then he died. Those are the memories I get to relive, Brother at his worst."

I scowled at them through tear-blurred vision. "And when I had nothing left in the world, you two used me. I became just another tool in someone else's power struggle. Well, I'm done. I'm not going to be anyone's puppet ever again, is that clear?" My voice rose, both in pitch and volume, defying my attempts to remain in control. "My life is mine. I'm doing what I want with it. I won't crush my own heart and dreams to meet someone else's expectations. I'm not holding back anymore!"

Mr. Suzubishi had one hand pressed to his mouth in what was probably an expression of horror, and Professor Sakaki was staring at nothing, not blinking, not moving. My vision had become too watery for me to see clearly enough to recognize the details of their reactions. Honestly, I didn't want to see their regret or pity or whatever else they were feeling. I wasn't going to feel guilty for forcing them to realize just how heartlessly they had treated me, especially Mr. Suzubishi.

If they feel guilt and regret, good! That's how they should feel about this entire shitty situation!

I squeezed my eyes shut, blocking out the figures standing before me. Tears dripped from my eyes, and I forced myself to stand still, arms at my sides and hands curled into fists, instead of reaching up to brush them away or hide my face. Even if I couldn't keep myself from feeling ashamed at showing my weakness, I wasn't going to hide my anger and frustration anymore. You two contributed to this. I don't care. Be horrified, be ashamed, be regretful. It's what you deserve.

Time passed. It felt like forever, that deep stillness when nothing moves and no one even dares to breathe - except for me, shallow and ragged breaths that threatened to degrade into sobs.

Then the floor creaked with the sound of soles against wood, and I reflexively opened my eyes as a shadow fell across my face. Professor Sakaki stood before me, eyes downcast, one hand pressed to the center of his chest. "Kasahara... I don't know how I can apologize for my lack of understanding. I ended up assuming that matters were settled between us, since we were working together without any hesitation these past few weeks. But that doesn't erase or excuse my past actions."

Our eyes met for a moment before we both looked away. "Professor. I feel that you're a lot like me, and I hope that's not just a false assumption or something my own mind made up to help me cope with this situation..."

He gave a tiny nod, voice low as he responded, "It's not. Your perceptions are quite accurate."

The relief I felt at that admission granted me the courage to keep going. "I'm sure there's other circumstances that I'm not aware of, or things beyond my understanding, that made you act this way. I won't demand an explanation, but there's one thing I want to know. Why did Brother ask you to take care of me? That's what I meant when I asked why earlier, not why you refused, but why did he ask you?"

The professor looked at me with a sad smile, quiet for several moments before responding. "Nao had been sick for a while. I think he knew that it was more than a simple cold, and that he needed to start getting his affairs in order. And that meant he needed to take care of you."

"Brother was that ill, and thinking of me...?" Then again, this was the guy who spent his last days writing letters instead of resting. Maybe he knew resting wouldn't help anything...

Professor Sakaki lowered his eyes. "Until that day, I had no idea he had a brother. I considered him my best friend, but when he asked me to watch over you, I started to doubt his connection to me. He knew about my family, the ways they pressured me and my true purpose in coming to the school, but he hadn't breathed a single word about his own family. I felt betrayed and denied his request, but I think I finally understand why he asked me. He did consider me someone important in his life, entrusting me with information that he'd held back for so long. I'd proven myself worthy of his trust, and I never realized it because the manifestation of that trust was a mundane, almost offhand request."

He looked directly at me then, voice tinged with sadness. "I regret my answer, Kasahara. I never realized how much my refusal must have hurt Nao, who had finally opened up to me in a moment of vulnerability. He simply laughed it off like he always did when something bothered him, and I didn't recognize that reaction. And until today, I didn't understand that my answer back then ultimately hurt you too, coloring my perception of you before you even arrived at the school."

"Professor..." I didn't know what else to say. Of course I knew that he'd been friends with Brother; there was enough evidence in the journals he'd left behind. Those diaries had been part of the reason why I'd never been very intimidated by the professor. Any friend of Brother's had to be a decent person at heart.

"That," the professor continued, "in combination with the shock of meeting you for the first time, primed me to treat you poorly. This is difficult to admit, Kasahara, but you remind me too much of Nao. Your face, from just the right angle... some of the things you say, the way you think, they're constant reminders that he's not here anymore. Nao and I disagreed about almost everything related to school policy and life in general. I thought him too carefree, too naive, and not serious enough. I didn't fully appreciate the way we balanced each other until it was too late."

He bowed his head to me. "I can't change the past. But I can do better in the future. Kasahara, I don't expect you to forgive me, but please allow me to continue working with you. I want to support you, not just for the sake of Nao's request or his ideals, but for you as an individual as well. You said I've changed, but you're the one who's grown, Kasahara. I would be honored to work with you, and to prevent anything else from getting in the way of your personal growth."

I was stunned. Not just by everything he'd just admitted - honestly, I'd need more time to process all of that information - but because I'd never heard Professor Sakaki speak formally to anyone before, not during board meetings and certainly not in class. Yet there he was, head lowered, pledging loyalty in a way that made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. It reminded me of how Chiba-san, blunt and almost rude with outsiders, was so respectful of Joker-san.

"Ah, Professor Sakaki, you don't have to ask so formally... I feel like I understood your motivations from the start. I've always been more disappointed than angry. And honestly, I need you. I need your help and your guidance." I leaned forward as he raised his head, finally gathering enough strength to meet his eyes again. "Knowing that Brother trusted you so much, I feel safer than ever working with you. I'm sorry, but will you allow me to continue using your experience and knowledge as tools to further my own goals?"

He smiled then, a genuine smile that chased back the cloud of gloom surrounding us. "They're our goals, Kasahara. And Nao's as well."

His words brought a wobbly, tentative smile to my lips, and the fresh tears stinging my eyes had nothing to do with frustration. "Thank you."

The professor nodded to me again, then stepped aside, motioning toward Mr. Suzubishi. "I believe there's someone else who wants to speak with you, Kasahara." And with that, he moved away, gathering up the folders he'd left on the table. He returned to his desk and began pouring over them, pointedly ignoring the two of us. Not quite privacy, only the illusion of such.

Are you eavesdropping? No... you're making sure this goes well. After all, you're the one who's been pushing me to do something about my resentment.

Still, I couldn't bring myself to look at Mr. Suzubishi, not directly. I was aware of his presence, of course, but I couldn't look at his face, not wanting to see his expression. My chest tightened, all sorts of possibilities flickering through my mind, and I turned my back before the temptation to peek at his face grew too strong. My heart pounded as I faced the window, finding that the darkness outside had turned it into a makeshift mirror. I could see him standing behind me, one hand pressed flat against his breast as if checking his own heartbeat, maybe willing his own emotions back into line.

I watched him step toward me. His movements were cautious, reminding me of how the school cats would creep up on unsuspecting students who weren't guarding their lunches. He paused for a few moments to stare in the direction of the professor's desk, the hazy frown in the window making it clear that he wasn't pleased with Professor Sakaki's presence, but that wasn't my problem. My spine straightened, courage renewed by the knowledge that the conversation would be observed by the only adult who had been a steady ally since I arrived at the school.

Staring out the window isn't going to make this easier for anyone.

I squared my shoulders, drew in a deep breath, and turned around. He looked surprised by my sudden move, a hint of shock visible on his face before he composed himself again. No, that wasn't true, Mr. Suzubishi didn't look composed at all. He was overly subdued, eyes lowered and slightly more narrowed than usual, the corners of his lips turned down, head tilted a bit to one side as if studying a particularly fascinating scuff on the floor.

It wasn't long before the pressure of my silence forced him to speak. "Kasahara-kun, I knew what I said back then was hurtful. I was trying to shock the professor, but because I didn't understand the reality of your personal situation, all I did was hurt you. A family like that..." His head bowed forward a little, and I could barely hear the conclusion, "I haven't been any better than them."

I waited for him to continue. When it became clear that he wasn't going to add anything else, I asked, "If you knew your words hurt me back then, why didn't you say something about it sooner? Or are you telling me that you didn't realize it until Professor Ito called you?"

He shook his head, unable to meet my eyes. "No, I knew. Not right away, because I was too caught up in the heat of the moment, but a few days later, when I was alone in a foreign hotel room with nothing to do but think back on everything that had happened. I told myself that calling you would have been too impersonal, and I would wait until I was back in Japan. Then my trip was extended multiple times, and when I finally got back, it was your birthday. I didn't want to ruin your special day by bringing up a bad memory." He let out a quiet sigh. "Then I fell into the trap of believing that everything was fine, and talking about the past would only open old wounds. I let myself believe that I was doing the right thing."

I wasn't used to the subdued tone of Mr. Suzubishi's voice, which made it hard to read the emotion in it. His hands were clasped tightly together, shoulders hunched, and he wouldn't look at me. Guilt, maybe? I was sure he felt sorry. His intentions had probably been good, but that wasn't enough.

I pressed on. "I've been visiting for months now. Surely you've noticed that I'm not comfortable whenever you're around? Still, you haven't tried to approach me or asked what's wrong. In fact, the only reason we're having this conversation is because I forced myself to talk to Professor Ito. I don't like doing all the work in a relationship, and honestly, it's unfair for me to be taking on that burden."

"I know, Kasahara-kun." His hands untangled, one coming up to press against the middle of his chest again, and he finally raised his head to look at me. My back stiffened at the sight of his expression, brows drawn and eyes moist, though still under control. "I know I've let things go for too long. I don't have a good reason for it, I know it's just excuses. I told myself that the relationship would develop naturally, that Keita has an advantage because he's a teacher, because he's similar to your best friend Asahina-kun, because he's there every weekend and I'm not, but..."

"Those things are all true, but Professor Ito still has to make an effort to talk to me, or we'd sit there in silence all weekend. We do things together. But when you're home, it's just..." I sighed, frustrated with my inability to find the right word. "I don't know, it's just different. It's tense. Of course the professor doesn't feel like that, but I do. I'm in the way, I don't belong there, I'm some unwanted kid who got forced on you and I feel like I need to be doing something to prove that I'm worthy." I closed my eyes. "I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's the same thing all over again. If I can't make myself useful, what am I doing there?"

"Kasahara-kun," Mr. Suzubishi's shadow came a little closer, "that's not how I want you to feel. That was never the intent, I didn't become your guardian because I wanted anything from you. I wanted to give something to you. Maybe it was rushed, and I didn't know anything about you beyond what little Nao-kun was able to tell me and the information in your official papers, but I wanted you to have a home that was better than all that."

My eyes flicked open as he got too close to the boundaries of my personal space, and it took a lot of effort to resist the urge to step back. "But you never told me any of those things. You simply assumed that everything would work out naturally without any real effort." A flash of inspiration made me straighten up again. "Maybe a small part of that is my fault for not making my needs known, but I'm done with that now. Let me tell you what I need from you, Mr. Suzubishi."

I expected him to protest, but he gave a small nod. "Tell me, Kasahara-kun."

My heart was calm, voice strong and steady as I spoke. This wasn't any different than speaking at a board meeting or standing up for the school. I need to stand up for myself too.

"Mr. Suzubishi, I need you to stop making excuses and admit to your mistakes. I need you to figure out what you want from this relationship and discuss it with me. I'm not interested in living up to anyone's hidden expectations, but I will listen to honest requests and their explanations. Right now, you're my guardian and I'm grateful to you for accepting that responsibility. If you want me to be more than that, then we need to have a serious discussion that takes my opinions and feelings into account." I looked directly into his eyes. "But before that, you need to earn my trust."

He met my gaze and replied without hesitation, "Yes, I understand. You're right. I've done nothing but make assumptions without asking for your input or trying to understand your perspective. I don't have any explanation for my behavior, only excuses and cowardice."

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I simply nodded my understanding.

And then Mr. Suzubishi bowed to me, not just his head but his entire body, bending forward at the waist with his arms at his sides. A formal bow. "I won't beg your forgiveness because I don't deserve it, but please give me a chance to do better for you in the future, Kasahara-kun."

So much for the calm heart, I thought, half-deafened by the sudden rush of blood in my ears. What should I do? It was hard to keep myself from bowing in response, and I bit my tongue, holding back the almost instinctive urge to apologize for making my better lower his head to me. After a few moments, Mr. Suzubishi straightened, a slight tightness around his eyes the only indication of his disappointment with my lack of immediate response.

He's not a bad guy. He just messed up... I mean, it doesn't excuse what he did, but it's not like he wanted to hurt me. And everything was a mess back then. It won't hurt to start over, right? After all, Brother liked him, so...

I offered a cautious smile, reaching my right hand out to him. "So, um... let's try again, okay?"

His eyes widened, a genuine smile coming to his lips. "Kasahara-kun..." He reached for my hand, clasping it firmly, but in a way it felt gentle too, not businesslike at all. We were two men coming to an understanding, tentative and uncertain, but also hopeful. His warmth lingered against my palm after we broke the handshake, and we stood in silence for several moments before Mr. Suzubishi spoke again.

"In that case, please allow me to reintroduce myself. Suzubishi Kazuki, prospective heir to the Suzubishi Group of companies, and former director of Bell Liberty School. I hope to get to know you better in the coming months. Thank you for taking care of the school and its students." He bowed his head again for a moment. "And I apologize in advance that I will be a poor guardian for a while due to required business travel. I would like to leave you in the care of my longtime partner, Ito Keita, who is a teacher at this school, and Dr. Matsuoka Jin, a personal friend since childhood. They're good people, and both were good friends with Nao-kun. Can you accept them in my place for now?"

Relief flooded my chest. He's taking it really seriously this time. "Yes, I think I can do that."

Mr. Suzubishi looked relieved too, his stiff posture relaxing into a more casual pose. "I look forward to spending time together, getting to know each other, and helping you with anything you might need. All you have to do is call me. And I'll check in with you every week too. We can discuss the details of what works for your schedule in a moment, but first, I have one more apology to make."

He stepped back from me, bowing again - which made my face turn completely red - and walked over to Professor Sakaki's desk. The professor looked up as he approached, watching him with a neutral expression that gave the impression that he hadn't just overheard our entire conversation. Of course, I knew the professor wasn't that naive; he'd listened to every word, filing them away for future reference. He'd probably grill me later to see if I was satisfied with the exchange, and offer more advice on dealing with any lingering doubts.

Well, that's what I get for dragging him into this in the first place...

Mr. Suzubishi didn't wait for the professor to offer any more acknowledgement. "Professor Sakaki, I'd like to apologize. I completely misjudged you and your intentions. The things I said back then were a poor attempt to manipulate you. I didn't understand--"

"Stop right there, Suzubishi." Professor Sakaki held up his hand. "If you're apologizing for poking at me back then, you still don't understand. I'm not innocent in the matter of the school closing. If anything," he looked up, a bitter smile on his lips, "your attack wasn't bold enough. I still made mistakes. But maybe something stronger would have backfired completely, and in that case, we wouldn't be in this office right now."

"That still doesn't excuse my behavior, or my assumption that you couldn't be trusted. In the end, you did end up supporting Kasahara-kun and defending this school." Mr. Suzubishi leaned over the desk, voice dropping lower, but I could still hear him. "I've even heard rumors that you've started to change. The students are happier now. And--"

Professor Sakaki let out an aggravated sigh. "Is this an apology or a new parade of insults? You should know better than anyone that this place is a ridiculous rumor mill. Don't go repeating the nonsense that Ito tells you."

"It isn't nonsense. Keita's the one who spends the most time working with you, aside from Kasahara-kun. Anyway, he's not the type to believe the things other people say so easily."

"Hmph, then why was he giving me the cold shoulder all day today?"

Both men turned to glance at me. I pretended not to notice. Sorry, Professor. I'll have to make a formal apology for that later...

"Never mind that. Kasahara is the one who was truly wronged here. Don't worry about me." Professor Sakaki paused for a moment, then lifted one hand to point at Mr. Suzubishi. "Actually, if you really want to apologize to me, send me some premium Suzu no Ne sake."

Mr. Suzubishi snorted. "Maybe I will, then."

Professor Sakaki waved him away. "Don't give me false hope. Anyway, shouldn't you be paying attention to Kasahara right now, since you came all the way here? Actually, I'm sure Ito is still in the staff room at this hour. It can be a proper family reunion."

I still can't believe he rushed back here from America. That's really crazy. "Er, actually, I'm not sure what time it is for you, Mr. Suzubishi, but I'm getting a little hungry. Maybe we could all eat dinner together? I'm sure Professor Ito would love that."

He was practically beaming, thrilled that I'd been the one to reach out first. "Good idea, Kasahara-kun, I haven't eaten anything in a while. Let's go pick up Keita, then. He's going to be so surprised, I wonder what he'll say when we walk in there together! And..."

He glanced at Professor Sakaki, but the professor shook his head and pointed to the door. "Enjoy your evening. And Kasahara, before you start protesting, there's no need to feel guilty about taking one day off. I can handle this work by myself." He looked at me with a wry smile. "Just don't let those two idiots rub off on you too much."

"That was unnecessary," Mr. Suzubishi muttered. He motioned toward me, and I followed him to the door, leaning over the professor's desk as I passed by.

"Professor, please try to be a little nicer..."

An amused snort and the rustle of papers were the only responses.

Oh well, at least he didn't deny it outright...

I hurried to catch up to Mr. Suzubishi. "Wait, what you said before, you mean Professor Ito doesn't know you're here? You got a flight back without telling him?"

"Haha, well... I was pretty fired up, you know." We stopped just outside the office door. The hallway was empty, so Mr. Suzubishi didn't hesitate to continue, "Kasahara-kun. When I realized how deeply I'd hurt you, I couldn't sit still. I couldn't let any of that resentment continue to fester. I know I should have recognized it earlier in the way you were so reserved and hesitant around me, but I thought that was because of my family or position. I can't believe I was so stupid."

I lowered my eyes. Hesitant. That was exactly the right word for our relationship, especially now that we were alone, without Professor Sakaki spying on us. "Um... sorry, but can we not talk about this now? I need time to think about everything that just happened. I'm not ready yet."

"Of course." He tried to hide the disappointment in his voice, covering it up with a forced cheerfulness. "Then let's hurry and pick up Keita before he goes home! And if you like, you can pick the restaurant. Any place is fine!"

The conversation was overly bright and awkward as we made our way to the staff room, but it was different from the usual painful awkwardness I'd grown used to. It felt more like two strangers attempting to seem like friends, rather than opponents trying to be family.

It's a start, I guess. I bit my lip. A better one than last time...

~~~

I waited for the dull hum of conversation outside my door to fade into silence before turning back to my work. I set down my pen with a quiet sigh and pulled the proposal document closer, flipping it to the last page. Two signatures sat side by side on the dotted line at the bottom, one in black ink, the other in blue.

I traced the blue signature with the tip of my index finger, feeling the impressions of the strokes that had been pressed into the paper. The weight of his hand, proof that my friend had once lived, that he had once been more than the quiet voice of my conscience.

"Nao... your brother finally found the decent family you always wanted for him. If only you could have been here to see it happen..."

I sighed again, turning the pages to hide his name from view, and continued working in silence for the rest of the night.

~ end ~