Work Text:
Thursday, January 11, 2018
It was shaping up to be another long day of work. Professor Sakaki and I were holed up in his office, going over the lists of third year middle school students who were Bell Liberty potentials. The first step, separating the athletes from the academics and other talents, was already done, and we were on to the more difficult task of narrowing the list. There were over a thousand names gathered from all over the country, but even if I managed to push the board to increase enrollment slots, there would still be fewer than a hundred who made it in.
All these guys deserve to come here. I sighed, flipping the pages. The professor didn't seem to be doing much better, brows drawn and frowning as he read the documents. Sitting here now, it was hard to believe that before the Bell One, I always felt anxious and intimidated in his presence. All that had changed after the event, when he'd explained for his involvement in the plot to close the school. Between the stories of bowing to family pressure and his determination to keep Sonoda-san from walking a similar regrettable path, I'd realized that we had a lot in common.
Sonoda-san too, in a way. But unlike me, he had someone watching out for him. Someone on his side, who wanted to protect him at any cost. Someone who actually had the power to do it. I only had Yuki, and of course I couldn't believe that we'd be successful... we're just kids.
It was the same gloom that had been surrounding me for weeks, no, months. And now, with my relationship with Yuki strained, I didn't have anyone to confide in.
Yuki would listen if you'd stop being stupid, Tomo. But what can he do, anyway? He's not the problem. He can't change anyone else.
I sighed again, and the professor looked up, noticing that I was watching him. I averted my eyes, but he leaned forward. "Kasahara, what's wrong? You've been distracted for a while."
I considered denying it, but since I hadn't offered any comment on the candidate list for at least ten minutes, it was useless. "I don't know if anything's wrong, really, I've just been thinking about all sorts of things..."
His lips twisted into a humorless smile. "Are you having trouble with Suzubishi?"
I tried not to let the surprise show on my face, but I was sure some of it leaked into my voice. "Er, you seem pretty sure of that..."
"Hmph, it's obvious, Kasahara. If you spend Sunday with him, you're in a bad mood on Monday. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's a connection."
I leaned back in my chair, stretching my legs. "Yeah, it's Mr. Suzubishi. I've learned a lot about him over the past few months, and he doesn't seem like a bad guy, but I can't shake that first impression. I end up wondering if that's what he's really like, and the fun and friendly persona is just something he's putting on for my benefit. I know that can't be true, because Professor Ito doesn't seem the type to put up with someone like that--" I cut myself off with a quiet gasp. Shit, no one else is supposed to know about them! "I mean, uh, they're really close friends, so sometimes they hang out together when I'm around..."
Professor Sakaki rolled his eyes. "Kasahara, please, spare me your sad attempt to cover a slip-up. I already know Ito and Suzubishi are an item." He held up one hand. "Don't ask."
I was silent, feeling vaguely guilty for my mistake. Fine, if the professor knew, it wasn't a big deal, but what if I'd slipped in front of anyone else? "Um..."
The professor picked up my train of thought once it became clear that I was too flustered to continue. "Anyway, that's not the point. You see someone as easygoing as Ito, and you think that he either wouldn't put up with a bad relationship, or that his cheer would be dampened by it. But because of your past, you still wonder. You know what it's like to put on a public face of happiness, or at least contentment, to hide your true feelings. After all, the most important thing is to make your family look good." His smile was bitter. "Image is everything, especially to the wealthy."
"Exactly. That's exactly it." I rolled my pen between my fingers, comforted a bit by the repetitive motion. "I don't want to risk being sucked into something that turns out to be... not as advertised. If I get officially entangled with Suzubishi, in a public way, getting out of that will be a nightmare. Maybe even impossible. I just know he's interested in making me the official heir, and honestly, that's a terrifying thought. I don't even know if I'm capable."
The professor snorted. "Don't sell yourself short, Kasahara. If my brother can be the heir of Sakaki, surely you, who actually have a brain, can manage Suzubishi."
"Yeah, but do I want to?" I tossed the pen onto the table, scowling. "I don't want to be the desperate hope of someone who seems like he doesn't even care about me as a person, you know?"
"So what do you want from your relationship with Suzubishi, Kasahara? It sounds like neither of you has actually addressed that yet."
I made a face. "Ugh, Professor, you're so blunt."
He spread his hands in front of himself in a so what? gesture. "What do you want from this conversation, Kasahara? Practical suggestions, or a friendly pat on the shoulder? I'm fine with either one, but since this has been eating at you for a while, I thought you were ready for actual advice."
I resisted the urge to sigh again. Man, the professor could get snippy when challenged. But he was right; Mr. Suzubishi and I hadn't discussed anything of real importance yet. "Okay, fine, I think it's time for some practical suggestions. And honestly, an apology. Er, not from you, Professor, from Mr. Suzubishi. I feel like he owes me at least that much. I'm not really willing to consider anything he wants from me until I get that, but I've been waiting and it hasn't happened..."
"Sometimes you have to ask for what you want, Kasahara."
"Yeah, but I resent having to ask for something so basic, if that makes any sense. Like... he must realize that the way he acted back then really bothered me, so why hasn't he tried to make it right? Why is it my job to try and fix things? He's the one who was wrong."
"That's true, but why does that matter? Part of being an adult is accepting the burden of things that shouldn't be your responsibility." The professor rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, catching my eye. "Let me be frank: I don't like Suzubishi. Granted, I've hardly interacted with him, and I'm sure he wasn't at his best immediately after losing Nao. But he doesn't seem to be an unreasonable person, so just talk to him."
"I know, I know," I grumbled, "but I get tired of being the 'bigger man' or whatever."
"It's entirely possible that he's waiting for you to make the first move, Kasahara. His behavior back then was appalling, and he might believe that you don't want to talk about it because it brings up unpleasant memories. He may think he's doing you a favor. Since neither one of you is making a move, your relationship is going to be in perpetual limbo until one or the other decides to do something about it." The professor's smile looked pained. "That's how it was with my family, until I was finally able to stand up for myself. Nothing was going to change without new input, and since I was the one who wanted that change, I had to do it."
"Ugh," I folded my arms over my chest. "Somehow dealing with your brother was a lot easier..."
"Of course it was, you weren't expecting to have a continued relationship with him. Even for me, telling Yuichiro off wasn't as difficult as I'd expected, because we'd never been close and I didn't feel like I was losing much. But you," he met my eyes, "are at a crossroads right now, Kasahara. The way you handle your relationship with Suzubishi, both the man and the family as a whole, will shape your entire life. I'm not going to advise you on what to decide, but how to decide, and the best way to do that is to have a conversation with the man."
I wanted to protest that the professor had been at just as much of a crossroads back then, but that would push the conversation off track. Besides, I knew he'd been fed up with his family for a long time, and their ridiculous actions had finally led to the inevitable conclusion. What conclusion will there be for me? I straightened up in my chair again, lacing my fingers together. "I know that's what I need to do... I just can't help feeling that it won't go well."
"You've spoken to me about my involvement in the plot to close this school, and my failure to stand up for you. Why is this any different?"
I made a face; why did he have an answer for everything? "Because I knew you had reasons for what you did. Even when we first met, I wasn't annoyed with you for refusing to help me, I was pissed at Mr. Suzubishi for agreeing to become my legal guardian, then immediately turning around to push it off on a bunch of random strangers. I had no idea that he was dating Professor Ito, or that he'd been personal friends with Dr. Matsuoka forever. Even if he didn't want to reveal a romantic connection with a guy, he could have said they were personal friends. And I could tell that the two of you didn't know or like each other, so why the hell was he asking you for anything? Ugh." I pressed one hand to the side of my head. "I feel like I'm not making any sense..."
"The only thing that doesn't make sense, Kasahara, is the fact that you haven't confronted Suzubishi with any of these issues yet."
Irritation flared up within me; what right did he have to push me to do something? It was the same as before, back at the beginning of the school year, before Yuki and the Bell One. "What, is this the same story as last time, pushing me to do something you wouldn't do yourself?"
His eyes widened, and I looked down, guilt and regret coloring my face. Really, Tomo, just because you're getting along pretty well now, you think it's okay to be openly rude?
I actually jumped at the light touch on the back of my hand. I couldn't remember the professor ever touching me before, except a brief handshake before our very first work session. When I glanced up, he watched me quietly for a few moments before speaking.
"Kasahara, I don't want you to feel that you're being pushed by me. If you don't want to discuss the situation with Suzubishi, tell me and I'll honor that. If you do want to talk about it, I'll give you my honest opinions. And," he finally drew back his hand, and I let out a quiet sigh of relief, "if neither of those options suit you, I'm not sure what can be done about it. Yes, I'm direct, but my opinions are informed by years of negative experience - which I hope you can avoid."
I know. I know that. But it's still hard.
"Maybe now isn't the right time to discuss anything serious. I understand if you're not ready to trust me with details of your personal life," the professor continued. "But you seem concerned, Kasahara. Now might be the time to think more deeply about your future, whether you're ready for it or not."
After that, he was silent, waiting for my response.
Several possible responses ran through my mind, some positive, some negative, and some simply dismissive. Maybe it's best to say what's on my mind instead of pretending I can deal with this by myself...
I ran one hand through my hair and sighed. "It's... really complicated. I kind of don't want to accept anyone's advice, but then I think about how you were close to Brother, and you must have given him advice about all sorts of things, so maybe I should listen to you. This isn't the kind of thing I can discuss with someone like Yuki, but he's the only one who knows about the Suzubishi stuff, so I'm stuck." The professor looked like he was waiting for me to say more, so I shrugged and added, "That's all, really..."
"Does that mean it's safe to give you my honest opinion here?"
"Fine, but please don't be ridiculously blunt about it." I knew I was being silly, but I couldn't help myself. "This has been bothering me for a while, it's a touchy subject, okay?"
"Fair enough." His chair creaked as his straightened up to look me in the eye. "It's not really advice, Kasahara. I told you I'm not going to advise you on what to do. Whatever you decide has to come one hundred percent from you. No one else can examine your thoughts and feelings for you, or make you decide what you want from this relationship. Or for your future in general."
I nodded, slouching in my chair like a sullen child. "I know that. I'm just not used to thinking about those sorts of things. Up until recently, everything was decided for me. My own will or opinions didn't matter."
"And yet you've decided to take on the directorship of this school, and to implement Nao's plans. Like I said earlier, don't sell yourself short, Kasahara. You may not be used to acting on your own will, but you've already proven that you can do it when something matters to you." He leaned closer. "Doesn't your future matter more to you than anything else?"
His intense stare made me fidget. "Well, of course it does..."
"So here's my advice." He leaned back again, and began tapping on the desk to punctuate each of his points. "One, don't do something because you feel like it would be a waste to pass it up. Two, don't worry about being judged for making the 'wrong' decision. Three, don't consider the possibility of disappointing someone who may have pinned his hopes on you without your input. And finally, don't look to me, your friends, or any other outsider for advice. Speak to the people who are actually involved, and make your decision based on what you learn from those conversations."
It sounded so simple in theory. He was only putting my own feelings into words, like he'd plucked the tangled thoughts from my head and crystallized them into a solid plan, but somehow it felt different than mulling it over by myself.
It's a sense of relief, isn't it? That a serious adult like him has the same thoughts as me... it's like all my worries so far have been legitimate instead of childish.
"I know that's what I need to do," I began, "it's just difficult..."
The professor held up his hand to stop my protests. "Kasahara. Don't let your past control your future. You have the unique opportunity to discuss everything with Suzubishi now and to make a decision that suits you. Don't let a sense of duty or gratitude, or even negative emotions like fear, push you into following a predetermined path that isn't what you actually want for yourself."
"Professor..."
"It's fine to be hesitant. I know very well that moving forward is difficult after a lifetime of bending to outside pressures." His eyes drifted away from my face, expression growing distant. "Sometimes I wish that pressure could have pushed me in a direction that wasn't at odds with my personal desires. Life would be so much easier that way. But that's not how reality worked for me, and not for you either. The sooner you get past the feeling that you've been given an unfair lot, and decide to focus on what you can do, the happier you're going to be."
"Are you happy, Professor?" I probably shouldn't have asked, but the words slipped out.
He was surprised by the question, but recovered quickly. "Happier than I've been in a long time, yes. I'm not saying life is going to be all roses if you follow your own path, Kasahara, but at least you'll be able to sleep well at night." The professor closed his eyes and snorted. "Well, maybe that saying doesn't apply to a lazy creature like you."
"Hey, I'm getting better with that... I don't sleep in class every day now."
Professor Sakaki smirked at me. "Only because you've been advised to advance to the hard level classes next year, is that right? Again, that's something Suzubishi wants you to do. Though, to be honest, developing discipline sooner rather than later will help you in the adult world - no matter what you decide about your relationship with the Suzubishi family, there's no escaping the reality of working for a living."
"Hmm," I rolled the pen back and forth, "maybe there is, though. If Mr. Suzubishi is my guardian, I probably don't ever have to work if I really don't want to..."
"Kasahara, don't be a lazy slug. Wasting your potential is a crime against humanity."
My back stiffened in unconscious reponse to his sharp glare. "I was only kidding, Professor."
His harsh expression softened to a faint smile. "I know. You've already begun to sample the rewards of genuine effort. You don't seem the type to throw that all away, no matter how much you enjoy putting off more mundane responsibilities."
I didn't know how to respond to that; the professor didn't offer a lot of praise, and honestly, I didn't feel like I was doing anything extraordinary. I was simply living up to the promise I'd made to Brother, and testing out my own abilities. Professor Sakaki was the one doing the bulk of the work.
If the professor noticed my hesitation, he let it pass without comment, and returned to his previous line of thought. "I only wish I'd realized the value of peace of mind sooner. I'm hoping that Sonoda has truly accepted responsibility for his own happiness, and that you will too, Kasahara. Don't wait until you're my age to start acting like an adult."
It was my turn to snort. "You're talking like an old man, Professor."
"Hmph, you say that, but I'll be twenty-eight tomorrow."
I blinked. "Are you serious?"
His eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means I completely forgot about your birthday... sorry." I glanced up at the clock, wondering if there was still time to go off-campus to pick up a gift, frowning as I realized that it was already too late for the last bus. "Er... can I give you a gift next week, then?"
Whatever defenses I'd triggered with my earlier comment, they'd gone dormant again, and the professor laughed. "Forget it, Kasahara, I don't need anything from a student. It's not going to help your final grade one bit. If you want to give me something, make it the gift of genuine effort."
"Ugh, maybe I'll ask Sonoda-san what foods make the best bribes."
"Heh, who do you think I am, Asahina? It takes more than a snack to make me happy. Now come on," he poked the stack of papers in front of me, "we need to at cut at least fifty more names from this list before we're done for the evening, and I would prefer to eat before it gets dark."
"Too late, it's already past sunset," I sighed, picking up my master list and pen. "Anyway, it feels wrong to rush through this and chop out a bunch of guys who are all plenty worthy of this school."
"Well, Mr. Director, I could lie and say that this problem will be solved once we manage to put some policy reforms into place, but the fact is that there will always be more talent out there in the world than this school can nurture. All we can do is fight for the changes that will allow more of it to get here. If the unfairness of this situation is what gives you motivation, Kasahara, focus on that. Let it inspire you to keep pushing for the ideals you believe in." The professor took up his pen as well. "Those are the things that should be important to you, not the wishes or influence of a family or individual who wants something from you. Keep moving forward along the path of your choosing."
"Keep moving forward..." I repeated quietly, eyes drifting down the page in front of me.
It's hard. It's really hard, knowing that I'll have to deny most of these guys the most amazing chance to move forward. My eyes flicked back to the professor. But you're right. All we can do is operate within the boundaries that have been set, pushing against them the whole time.
"We're going to increase the number of first years by at least fifty percent next year," I stated, jabbing my pen at the paper. "We'll start by doubling the number in the selection. That way, the board can feel like they've won if we back down a little. Everyone saves a little face."
The faint smile that came to the professor's lips at that declaration was a genuine expression, free of the usual irony and amusement. "Good plan, boss."
~ end ~