Work Text:
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Professor Ito's cheerful smile faded the instant the door shut behind Mr. Suzubishi. He stomped over to the couch, flopping down beside me with a dramatic sigh. "This sucks. I can't believe Kazuki has to go on another stupid business trip right before winter break."
"Well, at least it's only for a week? He should be back before the actual break starts," I offered, but the professor waved off my words and sighed again.
"Yeah, right." He actually pouted. "That's what they always say, and then it gets extended multiple times. He's probably going to miss Christmas and New Year's, just like last year."
I made a face; I couldn't imagine giving up my winter break for any reason, especially not some work that sounded like it could have waited until the new year. "Wow, that's rough. Are Americans all crazy workaholics too? I thought they'd at least take some time off around the holidays."
"They're monsters," Professor Ito grumbled, "especially at the Suzubishi office. Everyone's trying so hard to work extra long hours to impress Kazuki, and then they drag him all over the place to fancy restaurants and sporting events and cultural stuff after work so they can suck up to him some more. All he wants to do is get back to his hotel room, call me, and knit."
"Ugh. That's why I'm really glad no one knows I'm the director. Can you imagine how annoying it would be, all the other students trying to get stuff from me? If word got out, I bet Joker-san would... uh," I caught myself before I slipped and mentioned his real, working gun. "Er, he would definitely sic Chiba-san on me by the end of the day."
The professor tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling, and sighed yet again. "Ugh, Chiba-kun... I hope he's studying for finals this time."
Whew, he didn't notice. "If you can trick Joker-san into ordering him to do it, that would work."
"Dr. Matsuoka said the same thing!" He turned toward me. "You don't have any ideas about how to do that, do you? I tried talking to Jokawa-kun, but he didn't seem interested..."
"Er, I don't think I have any hope of tricking Joker-san into doing something. He'll only do stuff if it amuses or benefits him in some way, so that's going to be the only thing that works."
Professor Ito was turning into a sigh machine. "Urgh. I need to think about this some more."
"Yeah," I agreed, but I knew I wouldn't be able to come up with anything, so I let it drop. I reached into my pocket, searching for a lollipop, and came up empty. "Oh... I'm out of candy. Do you need anything while I'm up, Professor Ito?"
"Mm, if you have any strawberry lollipops, I'd like one of those. Oh! Actually, could you get my lesson planner? It's on top of the dresser in the bedroom." He paused, cheeks pinking a little, and added, "Er, there's nothing you have to worry about in there, Kasahara-kun, it's safe."
I stood up to hide my own blush. The professor knew about the remote control whatever and the, er, panties, but I'd never mentioned the special knits I'd found in the closet or any of my other traumatic discoveries. "Haha, right. Okay, I'll be right back."
I went to the bedroom first, relieved to see the green lesson planning book sitting right on top of a stack of other books and papers on the dresser, just as he'd said. When I picked it up, the stack wobbled a bit, and before I could reach out to steady it, a few things slipped off and onto the floor. Thankfully, it was just a few papers and a small red booklet that seemed oddly familiar. When I knelt to pick them up, I realized that the booklet was a passport.
Well, it makes sense that Professor Ito would have a passport too, didn't he say something about a vacation to Hawaii a couple of years ago? Heh, I wonder what he looked like when he was younger...
I opened the passport to take a peek at the photo on the information page and nearly dropped it in surprise. The serious face looking back at me belonged to Mr. Suzubishi, though he was a bit younger and his hair was messier than I remembered.
The first thought that went through my mind was oh shit, he forgot his passport!
The second was wait, this is expired? And he was born in... is this a typo?!?
I marched back into the living room, completely forgetting about the papers on the floor and the lesson planner. Professor Ito looked up, puzzled, as I approached, holding the open passport out in front of me like a cop showing his badge. I stopped directly in front of him and pointed to the date of birth line. "Excuse me for being blunt, Professor, but what the hell is this?!"
He stared at me, surprised, and then I saw the understanding flood his features. He leaned forward, attempting to grab the passport, but I easily sidestepped him. "Um, oh, Kasahara-kun, haha, don't worry about that, that's Kazuki's old passport! Just give it to me, I'll put it away..."
"I know it's expired, I saw the date. I'm asking about this date." I pointed again. "I thought you guys went to school together! How was that even possible if he's so much older? Or are you older than I thought, too?"
The professor sank back down into the couch, letting out yet another sigh. He was silent for a few seconds, various expressions flickering across his features in a way that reminded me of Yuki's honest face, always showing his true feelings. Professor Ito went from dismayed to worried to resigned in the space of a few moments, finally settling on something that looked like tentatively hopeful to me. He reached out and patted the couch cushion where I'd been sitting earlier.
"It's a long story, Kasahara-kun. You might want to sit down for this."
"Y, yeah," I murmured, suddenly feeling vaguely guilty for pushing him into a corner. But if these two guys wanted me to become part of their family, I wasn't going to put up with secrets or excuses. I sat down, closing the passport and holding it in both hands.
"Ahhhh, where should I begin?" Professor Ito fidgeted around, facing forward and looking up at the ceiling instead of facing me. "I guess I should answer the easy question first. I don't have any secrets, I really am a new teacher and just twenty-three years old. Here." He fished his wallet out of his pocket and showed me his driver's license. It was legit.
I nodded my confirmation. "So... I really don't get it, then. There's no way the two of you could have actually gone to school together, but I know you did. Your information was there in the school records when we were looking up stuff about the MVP Battle so we could use it for the Bell One proposal..." My voice faded, and I glanced down at the passport in my hands. "I mean, Mr. Suzubishi is old enough that he has an expired ten-year passport... it's kinda hard to believe."
The professor tucked his wallet back in his pocket and smiled, the expression a little bitter. "And people call me the lucky one. He really doesn't look his age, does he?" He shook his head. "The whole thing would have been impossible if he did."
He was quiet for a few moments, so I prompted, "What whole thing?"
"His promise to me." Professor Ito's smile grew wistful. "A silly promise he didn't have to honor at all, one I didn't even remember until he reminded me about it, over ten years after it was made."
"What promise?" I asked when it seemed like he wasn't about to continue on his own.
"Well, it's a long story." He turned toward me. "Let me start at the beginning. I was just a kid, only five years old back then. It was summer and my mom was pregnant with my little sister, so my grandparents offered to take care of me until after she was born. I had fun visiting with them, of course, and they completely spoiled me, but there weren't many kids my age around. Still, I liked to run around outside a lot, and since it was the countryside where nothing ever happened, I was allowed to walk to the park by myself. Some of the older kids would play with me, and they were all people my grandparents knew, so it was no problem to be away from them for a while."
"That sounds like a pretty sweet deal," I nodded, thinking back on my own time as a kid running around in the park. Well, Brother had usually been with me, but on days that he wasn't feeling well, I would go by myself to let off steam.
"Yeah, it was fun, but after a while it was also a bit lonely. The bigger kids got tired of trying to entertain me all the time, so I ended up exploring the area around my grandparents' house. There was a huge, beautiful house nearby that all the kids talked about, saying stuff like they would sneak onto the property to pick flowers and chase bugs. I couldn't resist something like that." He shook his head. "I never stopped to consider that it was trespassing or that I could get in trouble. I was way too little to think that deeply about it. I just went."
"And that's..."
"Yeah. That's where I met Kazuki."
As he continued, explaining his budding friendship with the older boy, I couldn't help thinking of how it paralleled my own experience. No, not my own, but Yuki's, how he'd grown instantly attached to Brother, often choosing to sit under a tree and read with him instead of playing soccer or tag with me. Hell, Yuki had even started to call Brother Nao-nii, exactly the same as Professor Ito's memories of Kazu-nii. Only I was the one who ended up reunited with Yuki at Bell Liberty, though Brother was the one who called him there, not me.
Professor Ito stopped mid-sentence, frowning. "Kasahara-kun, you seem distracted... I know it's a long story, but you wanted to know."
My face reddened with the embarrassment of being caught with my mind wandering, but I couldn't help getting caught up in the similarity of our stories. "Sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm just shocked by how strange... well, back up, let me start over." I explained it to him, all of it, ending with, "This is really, really freaking me out, Professor."
The shocked expression on his face was probably not much different from the look I was giving him. "Um... Kasahara-kun, that's..."
"It's the same, but different." I shook my head, still trying to wrap my head around it. "It's like... Yuki is you, right down to the good luck, but it's me and Brother combined playing the same role as Mr. Suzubishi." I glanced down at the passport in my hands. "Well, minus the age difference, though I guess Brother took that part of it. I mean, I knew the Bell One was a lot like that MVP Battle from the past, because we planned it that way on purpose, but for the rest of it to be the same too..."
"It's not quite the same," Professor Ito pointed out, smiling to soften his denial of my words. "It sounds like your reunion with Asahina-kun happened by chance. Kazuki made a promise to me and was very deliberate in keeping it."
That promise again, but he still hasn't said what it was. "Yeah, that's true... if Yuki hadn't received that Platinum Paper by accident, then somehow managed to get through to Brother on the phone, he never would have gotten into the school." The thought was chilling; if Yuki hadn't come to the school, what would have happened to me? Where would I be right now? Probably not sitting here, chatting with the professor... who would probably be out of a job at this point.
The professor didn't notice my shift in mood, instead fixing on my words. "In a way, your story is even more amazing. I originally thought I got my entrance papers because of my luck, but it was really Kazuki working behind the scenes to invite me. But Asahina-kun really was lucky enough to get in without any outside help."
"Well, it kinda helped that Brother was always a bit quirky like that." My chest tightened a bit, and I quickly turned the conversation away from thoughts that might drag me into moodiness. "Um, hey, Professor, what was that promise about, anyway?"
"Oh, did I forget to say what it was?" He looked comically surprised. "I guess I did! Kazuki told me that he was going away to school in America. I couldn't stand that. I was crying so much that he promised we would go to school together someday. I was so little that I didn't remember it at all later on, and even if I had, I would have thought it was a promise made in a tense moment to placate a sad child, not something serious. After all, it would be impossible, our ages were so different..."
"I guess Mr. Suzubishi didn't see it that way."
"No, not at all." The professor's look grew distant as he remembered. "Kazuki told me that when he was having a hard time with his studies or dealing with the different culture, he would think back on that promise. It anchored him when times got tough. So when he returned to Japan and was placed in charge of Bell Liberty, tasked with finding and fixing the security leak, he jumped on the opportunity to make good on that promise." He sighed. "It caused a huge mess..."
"I guess the board of directors didn't like Mr. Suzubishi doing whatever he wanted."
"Not at all. Actually, the assistant director at the time was behind the information theft, but he was using one of the teachers to do his dirty work, so it took Kazuki a while to figure it all out. And the entire time, that guy was trying to make Kazuki look bad, saying he was too young to understand his job, trying to pressure him into making bad decisions. When Kazuki invited me to the school without getting the board's approval, everything blew up."
"And that's where the MVP Battle came from, so you wouldn't be expelled? I'm kind of surprised they agreed to something like that..."
"Because Kazuki's an idiot!" The professor scowled. "After it was all over, I found out that the only reason they agreed was because Kazuki staked his position on the outcome!"
My eyebrows rose. "Whoa, that's pretty hardcore..."
"No, it was just stupid! What if we'd lost? He'd have been forced out of his position, and the research data would have been stolen and sold off to some other company!"
My heart pounded. Does Professor Ito know about my past? Mr. Suzubishi was aware of my past, and it had never been a secret that my adoptive parents had been arrested for stealing data, but I didn't know if he'd told the professor that they'd used me as a tool to do their dirty work. My fingers twisted in the fabric of my pants. "O, oh... that's really terrible..."
"I know! All that, just to keep me at the school over a silly promise he made to a little kid! If I'd known what was at stake, I would have left right away!" He shook his head, angry. "No promise should be worth that much. The Suzubishi research data is precious, their work has saved so many lives! When I think about what could have happened..."
I waited for him to continue, but it seemed like he was too frustrated to find the words. Yeah, he definitely doesn't know about me... so Mr. Suzubishi kept it a secret, even from the professor. I couldn't help feeling relieved; that information was in my sealed records, and only a handful of people had ever seen those. I wasn't really ashamed of what was in there, since I'd been pressured into being an accomplice against my own will, but if word got out, it would make things difficult for me in the future. But he'd respected my privacy, keeping my personal information a secret from the person who mattered most to him in the world. It felt good. Safe, even.
"We fought about that a lot at first," Professor Ito sighed, "but Kazuki insisted that he'd made the right decision. He said he'd make the same decision again every time, even if he knew there wasn't any chance of us winning. That's how important that promise was to him. Honestly, it wasn't reassuring at all. Instead, I felt a lot of pressure. What if I didn't measure up to the expectations he'd built up in his mind? What if I didn't make good use of the opportunities he'd given me? I'm just an ordinary guy, not the amazing person he seems to think I am..."
I didn't know what to say, so I tried smiling when he glanced at me. That didn't seem to help much; instead, Professor Ito stared down at his clasped hands. "I've tried to do my best as a teacher and as a person, but I know I've failed a lot." He sighed again. "I failed you when you needed help."
"Ah, no, don't worry about that... I didn't want anyone to know what was happening." I turned my face away, not wanting to see an adult all wound up like that. "It was my decision to hide my problems from everyone, past and present. Besides, the records of the MVP Battle helped us create the Bell One, so you actually helped me a lot."
The professor looked like he wanted to protest, but after a few moments, he simply nodded. "I'm glad the records of that time were able to help you form a plan to protect the school. That school is precious to me, and to Kazuki as well." He touched my arm tentatively. "Hey. I know you and Kazuki got off to a bit of a rough start, and I didn't support you nearly as well as I could have. I don't want to say something callous like you didn't really need our support, because that's just not true. There's so much more we should have done for you, Kasahara-kun. But we're both so grateful that you and Asahina-kun were able to work together and keep the school from closing."
I lowered my eyes, made a bit uncomfortable by the contact and his uncharacteristic seriousness, but I didn't pull away. I knew that his feelings were genuine; once I started spending time with him on a regular basis, I stopped doubting his sincerity. He was awkward and uncertain, just as hesitant about this developing relationship as I was. That didn't make him a bad person, but a real one.
When was Mr. Suzubishi going to seem like a real person to me? Never? The sense of gratitude I'd felt a moment before faded. So he hadn't spilled the information in my sealed personal records, big deal. Telling someone else was technically illegal. He was just covering himself, right?
The knot in my stomach tightened. The professor made mistakes, sure, but he knows it. He's apologized so many times. Mr. Suzubishi hasn't tried to apologize even once... No matter how much he smiles, no matter how nice he seems to be, he's just another adult who refuses to accept responsibility for using people... how can the professor not see that?
My clasped hands tightened, turning my knuckles white. I glanced up, tempted to ask, but the words died on my lips as I took in his concerned expression. He was waiting for a response. I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind; I needed to focus on the current conversation instead of getting caught up in an impossible internal struggle. Professor Ito couldn't fix the problem even if he knew about it.
I tried to force a smile, but it must have looked as fake as it felt on my lips. "You really shouldn't thank me, Professor. I didn't want to do anything back then. I wouldn't have done anything without Yuki's encouragement. Even then, I didn't really want to, but he wouldn't leave me alone. It's like he saw right through me or read my mind or something, and knew exactly what to say to inspire me."
The professor's hand pulled away, and he leaned back into the couch cushions with a barely audible sigh. "I'm really sorry, Kasahara-kun. I wish I'd been able to help you more."
"It's fine," I found myself reassuring him without any hint of resentment, "I wasn't ready to be helped back then. I guess what I really needed was support from a friend, instead of an adult."
"A friend, hmm..." The professor fell silent after that, watching me with a thoughtful expression.
Somehow his gaze made the back of my neck prickle. What did that mean? Had he noticed the way my voice kind of caught on the word friend, like I found it distasteful? A host of familiar and unpleasant feelings surfaced again, only this time they were enhanced by the new information I'd received from the professor. There was the dark and heavy sense that it was all so unfair, and why couldn't Yuki be mine, and why did these parallel stories of childhood friendship exist? Only mine wound up with me pushed into the friendzone, while Professor Ito snagged the love of his life.
Tomooo, come on, if you don't hurry up, we won't get good seats in the cafeteria!
The memory of Yuki's excited smile and urgent tone made my chest tighten, and I had to swallow back the lump in my throat before I could continue.
"Yeah, Yuki's my best friend." Saying it felt like lying. When was the last time we'd discussed something more significant than homework or the lunch menu? "I didn't care about anything until Yuki chased after me and showed me how to be strong. I only copied his example. I'm not that strong by myself."
That much, at least, was true. The shift in our relationship couldn't take that away.
Professor Ito was quiet for a few moments, his expression thoughtful, before he spoke again. "You know... you've compared me to Asahina-kun, but you and I are really alike, Kasahara-kun. I don't have any real strength, and some days I feel like it's all I can do to muddle through. Well, I'm guessing that you never felt like you really didn't belong at the school, since you had your track achievements. Even if you did feel that way, no one could point at you and say you didn't deserve to get those entrance papers. But I didn't do anything to earn my place at the school."
I bit my lip. I didn't exactly run for the love of the sport...
"Even though everyone was kind to me from the start, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was an impostor, someone who didn't belong. I was an ordinary guy surrounded by geniuses and elite athletes, struggling to keep up with the simplest level of classes. So when I was called to the assistant director's office and told that my enrollment was a mistake and I had to leave, I couldn't protest. He was only putting words to what I already felt in my heart." The professor's smile was bitter. "It was hard for me to believe that the friends I'd made in that short time were genuinely angry with the board's decision. After all, I was a nobody compared to them..."
There was a long pause. I needed to say something, but what?
"Um, real friends don't care about stuff like that," I offered. "It's easier for other people to see your good points, right? They must have seen those things."
That perked him up a little. "I'm sure they did. Back then, I had a lot of trouble understanding my own worth, and it's especially hard in an environment like that, where everyone is light years 'better' than you in some way. And then hearing from an authority figure that I didn't belong there... well, it's little wonder that I didn't feel like fighting back. I didn't have the strength to stand up for myself back then, so my friends did it for me." His serious expression softened. "Especially Kazuki. Out of everyone else at the school, he was the one who was most like me. Ordinary, in all regular classes, and his special talent was knitting, of all things. He urged me to email the director and ask for help - of course, I had no idea I was just emailing Kazuki! - and I don't think I could have done it if anyone else had made that suggestion. He worried about me all the time, he cared about me more than anyone, and because he was so normal, I felt like I could trust his judgement."
Why did he encourage you so much, but completely ignore me?
My throat was tight as I asked, "Did it bother you when you found out that he wasn't, er, normal?"
He let out a soft laugh. "That's pretty complicated, Kasahara-kun. I was really annoyed at first, because it meant that he'd been lying by omission for a long time. But I could understand why he'd felt like he needed to do that. And I was also overwhelmed by finding out that he really was the Kazu-nii I knew when I was a little kid. It was a lot to take in at once. And, well... our relationship ended up getting a bit complicated at the end there... uh..."
The professor blushed and didn't finish his explanation.
Ugh, that's one huge difference between you guys and me and Yuki...
"A, anyway! The point is, Kazuki supported me when I felt like I couldn't fight and everything seemed hopeless. Friends like that are irreplaceable." He lowered his eyes. "Even if... even if things didn't turn out this way, with me and Kazuki together, I'm sure we would still be friends now. Just like how I'm still friends with that group from Bell Liberty. The school is special. Maybe all schools are like that, but I can't help feeling that there's something extra special..."
We would still be friends now. I swallowed back the lump in my throat. That's how Yuki would feel about me, if only I could stop acting stupid and distant. After hearing that amazing story, I couldn't imagine that Mr. Suzubishi would let the difference in the type of relationship get in the way of having a lifelong connection with Professor Ito. He'd acted selflessly, without expecting anything in return. Just like Yuki. And completely unlike me.
But that wasn't the problem. At least, not right now.
I don't get it. How can he be so decent and such a jerk at the same time? Because I'm some random stranger who got dumped on him, and the professor was someone important from his childhood? But wasn't Brother the one who asked him to watch over me? Why did he say yes if he didn't care? Is he hoping that I'll want to take on the Suzubishi name and become an official heir or something? Basically he's just using me, right? Same as everyone else...
Professor Ito must have thought I ducked my head because I didn't know how to respond to his observations, because he continued, "Well, the school is full of extraordinary people from all over the country. Lots of people who would never meet normally. And it's even made some unlikely reunions possible... of course, me and Kazuki, but you and Asahina-kun as well."
"Yeah," I managed to mutter around the lump in my throat. Did he have to keep poking at me? Couldn't he tell that I didn't want to talk about Yuki or his precious Kazu-nii?
He attempted to peer at my face, but I turned away. "Kasahara-kun, is something wrong?"
Yeah, only everything. I can't deal with this conversation anymore.
"I'm fine," I lied, standing up to escape further scrutiny. "It's an incredible story, and kind of overwhelming. I guess I need some time to think about it." I leaned over to pick up the old passport, feeling a sense of relief at finding a handy excuse. "Um, I'll go put this back now. And I just realized that I forgot to get any lollipops, or your lesson planner. I'll be right back."
"Yeah, okay," the professor agreed, but he didn't sound convinced. I scurried away before he could ask any other questions, carefully fixing the fallen papers in the bedroom and collecting the planner before heading over to the kitchen pantry. The small closet was completely filled but still organized, and the lollipops were in the usual place on the snack shelf. Still, I took my time, standing in front of the pantry and staring into it as if I could find answers to all my questions shelved between boxes of instant curry and dashi packets.
Mr. Suzubishi can't be a bad person, right? If he went that far to keep a promise from childhood, risking everything for someone who started out as a dear friend... A promise is just words, isn't it? Then what about those horrible things he said right in front of me, like I wasn't even there?!
The memory of those callous words made my stomach hurt.
It’s not my duty to heal him.
My hands clenched at my sides as the flat, emotionless words echoed in my mind. Again. I'd heard them over and over, surfacing unbidden while I tried to go about my daily business. They'd ambushed me from the shadows of my own consciousness, attacking mercilessly in those moments that I felt most vulnerable. Not even Yuki could rescue me from those words. I hadn't told anyone else about them, swallowing them down into the darkness inside me, hoping to keep them from resurfacing. And all the while, my mind churned with angry protests and desperate questions. Why? Why? How could you?
The wound flared up again, and with it, my resentment.
It is your duty! Brother asked you to take care of me! But you dumped me off on your lover and a friend before his body had a chance to get cold, and even tried to get one of your enemies to take responsibility for me! Your personal enemy was the only one who made any real effort!
It wasn't true. I knew that; both Professor Ito and Dr. Matsuoka had tried to uncover the reasons behind my lack of enthusiasm and care. It was only natural that they would give up after weeks of resistance and excuses. They hadn't had any idea what was actually going on at the school. Still probably didn't.
Mr. Suzubishi didn't know either. That cool, rational thought soothed the heat of my anger. Maybe he would have helped me if I'd asked.
I shook my head. I can't be sure. How can I trust someone like him?
I slammed the pantry door, suddenly put off by the sight of food. I need to get out of here.
Professor Ito was standing when I came back to the living room, his brow drawn in concern. "Kasahara-kun, what happened? If you couldn't find them--"
"No, I'm just not in the mood for candy right now." I thrust the planner toward him. "I'm going out for a run."
He reluctantly accepted the book. "Oh, that's a bit sudden."
"Y, yeah, sorry..." I mentally cast around for an excuse, settling on, "Well, looking in the pantry reminded me of all the heavy stuff I ate this weekend, and I need to be careful since I'm officially participating in track now. Sprinters need to stay pretty slim."
"Right, I didn't think of that..." The smile soon returned to his face. "I have an idea! I could go with you! I've been thinking about getting more exercise."
Ugh, no way am I letting anyone tag along when I run. I shook my head, trying my best to keep my tone neutral and polite as I explained, "Sorry, Professor Ito, but there's a track competition coming up, so I really need to get some intense training. I don't really think I can focus on working with someone else who's more of a beginner at the same time."
The professor pretty much deflated, shoulders slumping. "Ah... I see. That makes sense."
My offer slipped out before I could stop myself. "Maybe we can try running together another time?"
He perked up instantly. "Really? I'd like that! Ah, but we'd have to start with the very basics... I don't think I even have suitable shoes..."
I tried not to sigh. "Well, when I get back from my run, I can explain some of the stuff about shoes, and maybe we can go shopping next weekend. But I really want to get going now, before it gets any later. It's pretty cold outside after sunset."
"Oh, right, sorry to keep you! I actually have some work to finish too, but I'll look forward to the treat of talking about running when you get back."
Poor guy, he's so genuine and easygoing, I feel bad lying to him. But I gotta get out of here. "Yeah, that should be interesting. I won't be long, I'm just going to the open track at the park. I'll be back before it gets dark."
"Yeah, see you later!" He sank back into the couch and opened his planner, freeing me to retreat to my room. It only took a couple of minutes to change into my running clothes, get my running app started, put on my shoes, and head out the door.
Sorry, Professor Ito. It's not you. It's not your fault, you're trying your best.
I blinked tears from my eyes, swallowing hard. I'm tired of trying my best. I'm tired of trying at all.
I didn't remember taking the elevator down to the lobby or making my way to the park. Time passed in an indistinct blur until my feet hit the hard-packed earth of the running trail. Then everything snapped back into sharp focus, and I became startlingly aware of my surroundings and my body. The steady tap tap tap of my soles against the ground echoed by the quickening throb of my heart and the rush of blood in my ears. The dry rattle of a chill breeze through bare branches, so like the quiet rasp of my steaming breath. The scent of cold, dusty earth as it kicked up around me.
Those were the things I wanted to know. Those were the things I wanted to remember. Not loss, not rejection, not the pain of being used or the crushing grip of doubt.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Maintain your posture. Monitor your heartbeat.
Focus on the physical. Emotions had no place in running.
I want to run forever without thinking.
~ end ~