Chapter Text
"I was interested in floriography at some point, you know." Kaede told me, while we were sitting in the garden, outside the dorms.
"What's that?" I found myself asking her.
"The language of flowers, what they symbolize. For example, an asphodel flower symbolizes mourning and the regret of the dead person," she said.
"That's...kinda morbid," I responded. After I noticed the slight disappointment present on her face, I stammered over my words. "It's interesting, nonetheless!"
...
Oh, the irony.
Here I am, in my room, days after Kaede's death. I sit on my bed, holding a rope. Should I really do it? Is it worth it? Is Kaede's death worth ending my life over? I mean, who am I without her? She was my first actual friend, the first person I ever truly loved. Without her, I've become yet again an empty shell of a human, with no ambitions or motivations. I even relapsed back into cutting myself again, to try and cope.
I pull my sleeves back, and stare at my arms. Many cuts, some old, as a result of the guilt from the first actual case I solved, the one that got the police interested in me, some new, like the ones from yesterday. Or from the day before. Or the other day.
Oh well, time to add to the collection.
I go to the bathroom, grab my blade and start dragging it across my left arm, until blood comes out. I stare at the blood as if it would save me. I continue cutting, until my arm is red from both the pressure and the blood. Great. I didn't even bother bandaging these ones up, since I knew it wouldn't matter soon. I do the same thing for my other arm. The blood from my left arm is dripping down and hitting the bathroom floor, but I don't care anymore, it's not like anyone can do anything about it now.
I keep thinking of Kaede. She wouldn't want me to do this. She wouldn't want me to cut myself. She wouldn't want me to kill myself. But she's not here now. If I go through with this quickly, I'll see her again.
Wait, no, what about Kaito and Maki? In the aftermath of Kaede's death, we grew sort of close. Kaito invited us to his training sessions, and we became something I could call "friends", though it wasn't the same as Kaede. Nothing's the same as Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede. Kaede.
Kaede. What am I to do without you?
Awkward silence filled the room. I realized I was standing still in the middle of my room now, having left the bathroom and walking around, mumbling Kaede's name for what felt like an eternity.
Sigh.
I should start writing that damn suicide note, if I'm going to go through with it.
I pull out a sheet of paper, and write in the front, "To Kaito and Maki." I then begin to write on the inside.
"Dear Kaito and Maki,
I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry I left you this early, but I can't do this anymore. It's not the same without her, and I'm afraid it will never be. I'm sorry I won't get to see you become closer friends, or that I won't be there for the next training sessions. Continue to be strong without me, the way I couldn't without Kaede.
I'll see you on the other side,
Saihara Shuichi."
I pour out everything on the piece of paper. It doesn't take long before I start crying, and little tear drops fall on the paper, while I'm writing on it. Blood from my arms also falls on the paper. Welp, it's gonna be real festive for Halloween.
Should I really do it? I ask myself again.
Fuck it, I'll do it.
I grab the rope, and start searching for a place to tie it from. I spot the room light, hanging from the ceiling, just like I will be in a bit. I rip it out with all the strength my arms allow me, and throw it on the floor. It makes a startling noise. I stop to check the time. 2:38 AM. The others are probably asleep right now, I hope I didn't wake anyone up.
With that out the way, I begin tying the rope to make a hangman's noose. Afterwards, I tie it to the ceiling, through the hole I just made. I pull a chair over, and I look at my setup. My room's a total mess, complete with a room light with blood all over it, and the envelope on my desk that reads "To Kaito and Maki."
Can't back down now, can I? It's right in front of me.
I climb on the chair and stand on it. I cover my neck with the noose, and look down on the floor for one final time. The carpet has some red spots from the blood still dripping from my arms.
I'm really, finally doing it, am I? About time.
I start kicking the chair with my legs so that it falls down. The chair falls over, and so do I. It's getting harder to breathe, with the noose around my neck. I gave up trying to breathe and just looked down. I'm coming, Kaede.
Just then, I hear a knock on the door, and a familiar voice. "Hey, Shuichi, are you okay? I heard a loud noise from your room and came to check up on you."
It was Kaito.
Oh shit.