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Jimmy was tipsy, well maybe a little more than tipsy. He has gone out and drank with his bad boys, afterwards they dropped him off at his shitty run down apartment. Leaving him alone.
He was alone.
He was alone and had drunk enough that being left alone with his phone was an oh so terrible idea.
Jimmy hands found the contact name before he even proceeded with what he was doing. Sending a message to the blocked number.
The messages never were received, they were pointless but it made Jimmy feel better.
“I saw you the other day for the first time in what felt like years. It was strange, you didn't notice I was there, but I saw you holding hands with Martyn. Which made me think of how much you looked the same more or less but with a different color hair tucked behind your ear, the way you looked at Martyn was the same look you gave me on our first date.
The only difference was your hair, it's a couple shades darker, not as teal as it was with me. It looked almost dulled out, which I found strange. You took pride in how vibrant you could get the teal and now it's dulled out and almost… boring.
I like to imagine, someday we'd get a chance to talk again. You would ask me how I was doing, you would be the first to talk, you always were. I would think about it then lie only because I knew if I asked you first you would have told me you were doing just fine.
I like to think it was a lie though, you are struggling as much as I am. Deep down I know it's hopeful thinking. As it seems I'm the only one who wants to tell you all about how since you left nothing's been the same. Life's been kinda monotone, average, gray. Yeah, life wasn't sunshine and rainbows while we were together,
but we were together.
I know I wouldn't ever ask these things to your face, as I know it instead an awkward silence would follow whenever we'll interact. We already aren't on the best of terms, I don't think I can take that feeling again, the heartbreak after you said your goodbye and took your leave, l remember the feeling of being left alone, struggling to breathe.
I told you it was my biggest fear, and yet you walked out. Maybe you didn't remember that late night conversation, but I did, I remember all of them.
I don't know how you got over us, I still haven't after leaving a thousand unsent messages sent to your phone.
I know I can't take another year feeling this low, I feel sick just thinking about how much I mourn a person who is still alive, just not in my life.
Maybe we should have stayed in touch, but I just couldn't let us go, you were my everything, in whatever odd twisted way we saw each other. Deep down I know I couldn't imagine my life without you, maybe that's why I'm so attached. Maybe if we stayed in touch I could have bottled up my infatuation and not let it show, but we'll never know as it'll never be this universe.”
Jimmy clicked send before he could delete it complying to the thousands of unsent texts he sent over the year, the bubble stayed gray, not delivered. Another reminder of how he blocked Jimmy, Jimmy never blocked him.
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Jimmy once again found himself texting the number, the only difference from last time was he was sober. Conscious to know what he was doing, to know that he couldn't blame alcohol.
“Remember when we used to say we'd be together forever and ever? We built this whole world together. A pipe dream for all to see, but I like to think we were happy in the dark, as we'd face it together.
But over time I think the light started to brighten for you and you began to see us for what we really were instead of us for what we could be.
I think that's why you left, I was conformable with all our flaws, the fights and the discomfort. You weren't, you wanted perfection, and I couldn't give that to you.
I still think you have a form of OCD, I hope you believe me enough to get that seen someday.
I know I've said this over and over but since you left half my time is spent going over that shit reassessing everything we ever said and done, meanwhile the other half's spent trying not to think about you.
You know, just pretending everything is fine.
Deep down I know I'm overthinking it, you'd probably laugh if you knew how much I do think about us. Us before and after.
But I mean, I can't help how badly I fell in love with you.”
Jimmy hand hovered over the send button, he blinked and before he knew another message was sent. He stared at the paragraphs he'd sent over time they've been broken up. There's a thousand unread messages on his phone, and that would never change. They'd forever be unread, thousands of words never said. Jimmy knew he couldn't take another year feeling this low, it was such a waste letting his life go like this.
He couldn't help but think of their life if they stayed in touch, he's sent so many messages that something can't let this go. No matter how much he lied to himself that he could bottle his infatuation and not let it show, deep down he knows, he couldn't.
The thousand unread messages on his phone were plenty of proof of that statement.
Maybe in another universe Jimmy would tell him how much he needs him, but Jimmy has never had a strong suit with words, he couldn't find the words to use and he had better things to do that wasn't Jimmy anymore.
Jimmy did call out to him before the split, pleaded and begged for a second chance at them, but Jimmy knew the other man made up his choice. Jimmy wasn't that stupid, he knew it wouldn't happen, and he knew he should just leave it be and over time it would feel better.
He couldn't wait for that moment where he felt better, until he felt relief that he didn't react when those words were spoken, when he broke it off, stopped playing on repeat in Jimmy's head. Losing face, lost his love, lost reasons, and losing touch. He found that all the things Jimmy lost before the breakup now doesn't seem like much.
Which was strange as Jimmy has lost a lot after the break up, and still nothing compared.
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Jimmy found himself at a party, he had far too much to drink, Grian and Joel left to go hang out with their partners so Jimmy was alone, drunk and a mix of emotions.
He was stumbling towards the large group of people dancing in the middle of the room, bodies swaying around and against each other, revealed by the blinding lights of changing colors.
Jimmy didn't have a plan, just knew he was done hurting. So he was going to party like it was his last day on earth.
Great plan theoretically, but unfortunately a certain teal haired man was here, and no matter how much Jimmy drank, he knew who that hair belonged to.
Scott Smajor was here.
Jimmy couldn't help himself.
Scott was here.
Jimmy was a drunk fool who had so much to say to him.
Before he even realized what he was doing his hand was against Scott's arm, turning him around. “Scott! What are you doing here?”
Jimmy's voice was heavily muffled by the movement and music blasting between the 2. Scott was just as beautiful as he's always been, that hadn't changed about him.
“Jimmy?!” A mix of emotions welled up in Scott's eyes before they hardened. “What do you want?”
Oh and that wasn't a loaded question. Jimmy wanted everything and nothing all at the same time. He wanted to beg for forgiveness, beg for a second chance like he did before Scott left. He wanted to scream and shout lies about how much he hated the very man in front of him but none of that came out.
“Scott, we could try again, you know!” Jimmy couldn't stop the words as they spilled out, he probably wouldn't even be able to remember this in the morning. “I could promise you that I've changed, became the perfect person you wanted! I can be sure that this time there's absolutely nothing that could get in our way this time around, but deep down I couldn't lie to you!”
“I'm sorry– I can't lie to you I want to try again, but deep down I know we'd still end up the same way, drifting apart in separate seas with only ourselves to blame, and I'll be left along again, struggling to breathe, the same way I did when you left! Jimmy was rambling, he was drunk and everything he's ever sent was being said.
“Im still infatuated with you! Even after all this time, I haven't moved on! I left a thousand unread messages on your phone! Months and months of built up feelings, things I couldn't dare to say out loud. I can't take another year feeling this low, Scott it's killing me!” Jimmy's hands found Scott's shoulders shaking him gently despite the volume of his voice.
“We should have at least stayed in touch, as I can't let this go, I can't let us go Scott. I could bottle my infatuation and not let it show, not let you or anyone know how much it actually affects me but it has been, I know we'll never work, but I want to try. I know I'm drunk off my mind and I know you have something going on with Martyn but I want to try, please Scott I need you!”
“Jimmy!” Scott finally shouts, “You need- you need to calm down!”
He paused, Jimmy's own eyes were wide.
“I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for ending it, but we can't work, we both know that. I'm sorry for leaving, but I love you enough to know neither of us deserve each other!”
Jimmy ignored the tears threatening to fall, “But I need you Scott! I need you in my life, I don't care what you think I deserve, just please don't go again.”
And how else could Scott respond to that? So he did the next best thing and tightly pulled Jimmy into a hug.
“Okay, I'll stay.”