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Luca had been nervous all week.
It wasn't just getting invited into THE house of Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, he had gotten over that years ago. Ilya had begrudgingly given him permission to date Cliff Marlow the previous summer. Since then, he had not brought it up once. Luca had tried twice, but Ilya told him that he didn’t want to think about it.
This was the first time him and Cliff would be going out together as boyfriends, and he had spent ten minutes cleaning and re-cleaning his glasses. Cliff had hugged him and said everything was going to be fine, and Luca had believed him. Things had been going well for about half an hour when Shane came out with the food and distracted him by talking about zone entries.
Shane had asked Luca what he thought, and Luca said the drop pass at the blue line wasn’t working. Shane agreed and started talking to Cliff. Luca was so happy listening to them get along that he’d almost forgotten he’d been nervous at all. He reached for the salt without looking.
It wasn't there.
"Hey, daddy, can you pass the salt?"
Ilya's hand closed around the salt.
So did Cliff's.
Nobody moved. Cliff's arm was stretched all the way across the table. All the color had drained from his face.
Luca’s face went hot. He stared at his plate and cautiously started to pull back his hand.
Shane laughed, then covered his mouth.
"That's not," Cliff said, letting go of the salt. "Okay. That's not what that was, that's a nickname thing, that's between us, that's not-"
Ilya set the salt down in front of Luca, very gently, and took his hand back.
Nobody said anything for the rest of dinner.
Luca ate. He did not look up from his plate again, not once. At one point, Cliff tried to comfort him, but Luca swatted his hand away and kept eating. Eventually, Shane stopped chuckling to himself. After they finished eating, Ilya stood up.
"Living room."
"Ilya," Cliff said.
"Living room, Cliff."
Luca and Cliff sat down next to each other on the couch. Cliff tried to put his arm around Luca’s shoulder, but Ilya shot him a death glare. Cliff shifted slightly away from Luca so that only their knees were touching. Ilya stood in front of the coffee table with his arms crossed, and Shane took the armchair.
Cliff opened his mouth. Ilya held up one finger without looking at him, and Cliff closed it.
Then Ilya started pacing around the coffee table.
"So if I explain the context here-"
"Shh."
"I just think the context is-"
"Shh. I am thinking."
"You've been thinking for like a minute and a half."
"Then I need more minute." Ilya kept turning. "This is serious."
Shane laughed, and Ilya rounded on him.
"This is serious, Shane. Our son has been deflowered."
"He's twenty-two."
"He is a baby. Look at him." Ilya gestured at him. "Look at his little glasses."
Luca looked at his knees. "Please don't look at me."
"And this is my fault." Ilya turned and addressed the room. "I allowed it. He comes to me, he looks at me with puppy dog eyes, and he says, hey captain, and I say what, and he says can I please have permission to date Marly. I look at his sad eyes and I say okay. Fine. Because I am generous. Because I am stupid. And now look at this. Look what happens."
"Nothing happened," Cliff said. "We had dinner."
"HE CALLED YOU DADDY."
"Well technically, he called you daddy," Shane said, stifling another laugh.
"Oh my god," Luca said.
"He calls me that because I am his father. It is respectful, and you-" Ilya swung back toward the couch, "-you have made it into something disgusting."
"He did it in the locker room last year," Shane said. "You thought it was cute."
Ilya pointed at him without turning around. "That was accident. This is a lifestyle, and it ends now." Ilya turned back to the couch. "No more dating. Luca does not date until he is thirty."
Luca's head came up. "Thirty?"
"Thirty-two. I have thought about it more."
"That's ten years."
"Then you will be ready."
"And what am I supposed to do for ten years?" Cliff asked.
"You will be rotting in Houston."
"I'm not going to Houston."
"Can I say something?" Luca asked.
"No. I will make a phone call and you will be traded."
"You are not my captain," Cliff said. "You do not have the authority to send me anywhere."
"I have influence."
"You have what?"
Luca sat with his hands on his knees and listened to the three of them go back and forth. Nobody had even looked at him for close to a minute. Cliff’s knee was still against his, but Shane was laughing to himself and Ilya was pacing, all while they talked about Luca's sex life like he wasn’t there.
He stood up.
"Okay, you know what? Whatever Cliff and I do when we have sex is honestly none of your business!"
The room went quiet. Luca sat back down immediately.
Ilya's mouth opened and closed again.
"YOU'RE HAVING SEX?"
Shane fell out of the chair. He tried grabbing at the side table on the way down, but he had already gone too far. He stayed there on the floor, wheezing. Cliff and Luca looked on in horror, but Ilya was too incensed to notice.
"YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH HIM?"
"He's my boyfriend!"
"We can stop?" Cliff said.
"WE ARE NOT STOPPING!"
Ilya took a step back and put a hand on his chest. Then he turned toward the now empty armchair, then toward the floor beside it, where Shane was. He stood over him with his hands out.
"You see this? You see what they do to me? Get up. Get up, Shane, this is not funny, our son is ruined."
Shane could not get up. He tried twice. The second time he made it as far as sitting and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and then he looked over at Luca, made eye contact, and went back down.
Ilya looked at all three of them and gave up.
"Fine," he said. "Nobody takes it seriously. Nobody cares." He walked to the doorway, stopped, and turned around. "Luca."
Luca lifted his head about an inch.
"Do not call him that in my house."
"I won't."
"In any house."
"Okay."
"In the world."
"Okay!"
At the door, twenty minutes later, Ilya hugged him goodbye and told him to text when he got home. Then he shook Cliff's hand. He pulled him close and whispered something into his ear. Cliff’s eyes went wide, and he quickly caught up to Luca.
They were halfway to the car when Shane said, still laughing:
"At least they're probably using protection."
"SHANE!"