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Dissociative Identity Disorder. He has an alter, from when he got kidnapped by the Joker, and that’s who’s been fronting for… months. That’s why he keeps losing track of time and why everyone keeps talking about ‘JJ’ without telling him who that is.
That’s why Harley keeps showing up at their door to check up on Tim. It’s because she was there, she saw what the Joker was doing and… saved him? He doesn’t remember any of that, but the doctor said that his alter was withholding memories from Tim to protect him. Junior knows about Tim, but Tim doesn’t– didn’t?– know about Junior. That’s what the doctor said. It’s to protect him from himself, basically.
Bruce said that there’s nothing wrong with what happened to him, and that he’s still Tim and Robin, and nothing can change that. Bruce did say that Junior isn’t allowed to go out as Robin, though, which Tim doesn’t know how to feel about that. It’s not like he’s experiencing that, but he is? It’s all really confusing. The doctor said that he might be able to start feeling when Junior is fronting, since now he’s aware of Junior’s existence so Junior might let Tim experience being Junior. Again, it doesn’t make sense, but that’s what Tim understands.
It makes sense, but it’s hard to hear. There’s something wrong with him, something that’ll never go away, and it’s an entirely different person who’s living in his body, but he doesn’t know how to communicate with them. What if he has to cancel plans because Junior is fronting? That’s a word he’s learned recently– fronting. Whoever is ‘fronting’ is the person in control of the body, the alter– another word, meaning one of the identities. The personality that’s ‘fronting’ is the ‘alter’ that’s in control; that’s how the doctor explained it.
It had been a few months since Tim lost his hearing. He doesn’t remember anything for the first month afterwards, and for the two months after that, everything was still foggy, as if he was drifting in and out of consciousness. The doctor told him that was when he and Junior split, and when Junior started fronting for the majority of the time. Over the past month, things have started to get clearer, but he’s still missing a lot of the time that he was awake.
Bruce didn’t explain why he was taking Tim to the doctor today, just that it was important. Tim wasn’t expecting to get told that everything he thought was wrong. He’s scared, though. Of what his parents will think of him, of what his friends will think of him.
He can’t, can’t, tell them. They’ll hate him. He’ll never be to see them again, for fear that they’ll find out, but it’s better than them hating him.
It has to be, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if his friends, the only people he could truly trust, hated him.
~~~
Tim feels the weird, disconnected feeling that he always feels when Junior starts trying to front, or rather, the one he feels before his memory stops working. His family tells him that he was Junior, that’s how he knows that it wasn’t just a weird feeling. His family has gotten used to knowing when he’s Tim and when he’s Junior, or they seem to, since they always seem to be able to tell when he’s Tim and they haven’t called him Junior in months.
His friends still don’t know, though. He wants to tell them, give them an explanation as to why he keeps cancelling on them, so that they can understand why he doesn’t go out when he’s Junior and not Tim, but he’s scared. Scared to tell them, and scared to admit that he isn’t fully him.
They haven’t seen him in nearly six months and they worry. Tim feels awful but he doesn’t know what to do.
He looks at his phone, the group chat steadily sending messages back and forth. Tim lurks, as he tends to do, watching as they talk. Bart mentions something about Wally planning a ridiculous party for Barry’s birthday that year, and Bernard, who he introduced to his other friends a few months before the accident– almost nine months ago, now– and he seemed to click right in with them, sending increasingly more absurd ideas for the party. Cassie chimes in with the occasional ‘Barry is going to hate this’ message and Kon, who isn’t saying much, but is reacting to messages with hearts, exclamation marks, and little hands pointing up towards the message, his way of agreeing to what a message is saying.
Tim takes a breath, pushing away the feeling of Junior and forcing himself to type out the message. All the chatter stops, presumably because they see that Tim is typing.
‘I’m free friday if you wanna hang out. At the manor.’
Within seconds, the chat explodes, Bart excitedly saying he’ll be here, Kon complaining about having to go so far (it’s not even a two hour drive) but he’ll do it for Tim, Cassie sending a simple ‘see you then’ message, and Bernard asking for more clarifying questions, like time and what he needs to bring. Tim smiles. He’ll be there, no matter what.
~~~
Dick is driving him to pick up Bernard. He’s still mad at Bruce for not telling him about what happened to Tim until Tim himself found out, but he said that it served as a ‘wake up call’ to spend more time with Tim. He’s been coming down almost every weekend, even has been improving his relationship with Bruce so that Tim doesn’t feel like he’s choosing between the two if he decides to go to Dick about something, which is silly because Tim never felt like that (he was more worried about being a bother) but it has made patrol more fun, since Dick is there to talk to.
Bernard’s parents were busy, so Tim decided to pick him up. Bart is speeding (or rather, ‘taking public transportation’, as he told Bernard), Cassie is there for her mom’s work (there’s an archeology conference), and Clark is driving Kon. Bernard spots their car with a wide grin, hopping into the back seat happily and immediately starting a conversation. He carries it, mostly, and Dick chimes in with anecdotes and jokes. Tim stays rather silent, since Dick knows that he doesn’t have enough energy to talk (and he’s too riddled with nerves to even think of it) and Bernard seems to be understanding.
By the time that they drive back home, the other three are already there. Tim gulps as he leads Bernard through the rooms and hallways of the manor silently, still too nervous to talk.
Bart greets him with a quick (but not too quick) hug, Cassie with a small smile and Kon with a nod. It’s usual, normal, even. It won’t be for long, a part of Tim thinks. He’ll ruin this friendship with this conversation, they’ll hate him, call him weird and a monster, and they’ll leave. Dick gives Tim an encouraging nod (when did he get here?) and Tim takes a breath, signaling for Bernard to sit down. He opens his mouth, closing it and opening it once more, trying to find the words to explain what’s going on.
“I got kidnapped by the Joker.” Tim blurts out. The room is silent, he swears that he could hear the bats that dwell beneath the house (although he’s sure that it’s just his imagination).
“When?” Cassie asks, hesitant.
“A few months ago. Seven. He, uh, brainwashed me into thinking I was his kid.” Tim pauses. “Joker Junior. I don’t… I don’t really remember it. The doctor– the one that diagnosed me– said that it’s Junior’s way of protecting me. All I know is what Bruce and Harley have told me.” Tim states, his words awkward and stilted. He glances at Dick, who merely smiles at him.
“Diagnosed?” Kon asks, curious.
“Yeah. I, um, I have dissociative identity disorder. Or split personality disorder. They’re the same, I think. Junior is my alter, that’s what they call him. That’s why I don’t remember it, it’s because Junior basically split off from me and is withholding the memories. That’s why I keep cancelling. It’s ‘cause Junior is fronting and I was scared of telling you guys.” Tim wrings out his hands, his eyes nervously darting around the room. His friends are silent, clearly processing the words, but Tim’s throat tightens nonetheless. They hate me, Tim thinks, even if he knows that it’s wrong. They hate me and they don’t want to be friends anymore and–
Bernard jumps up, his arms open as he stands in front of Tim. He’s waiting for Tim’s approval, Tim realizes. He gives Bernard a jerky nod and Bernard wraps his arms around Tim, squeezing tightly in a comforting manner. Tim takes a deep breath, not having realized that he was holding his breath. The air floods his lungs, allowing for the tears to finally fall.
Bernard leads Tim to the couch, still wrapped up in his arms, and Cassie scootches closer, leaning against Tim’s back. Bart and Kon don’t attach to Tim in some way, but they stay close, first comforting Tim, but eventually letting the conversation drift to anything and everything. Just like in the group chat.
They don’t hate him, Tim thinks. They don’t hate him, and they accept him, and they don’t think that he’s a monster like he thought that they would. They still love him.
He’s still Tim, after all, even if, sometimes, he’s a little different. He thinks that he can live with that.