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“Do you want to come over to my place for Christmas?” Steve asks as he’s sprawled out on his stomach on his boyfriend’s bed. He’s staring blankly at his open laptop in front of him.
“Hmm,” said-boyfriend grunts absentmindedly. Tony is sitting on the floor; deep in concentration, working on his latest invention. Papers are scattered on the floor around him with various complex equations scribbled all over them.
“Tony,” Steve calls out a little louder to get his attention, throwing a pillow at him for good measure.
Tony jolts out of his thoughts, flailing slightly as he turns to face him with widened eyes. “Yeah, yeah, what’s up?”
“Were you listening to me?”
“Umm, yes?” Tony replies, smiling sheepishly. But Steve gives him a knowing look and he quickly adds hopefully, “Okay, I wasn’t but I’m listening now.”
Steve bites his lip and sits up on the edge of the bed, fully facing him. “Since your parents aren’t around, I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my place for Christmas.”
He tries not to be disappointed by the reaction he gets as it has become the expected pattern with him. Tony’s smile falters momentarily and his eyes drop to the floor. “You want me to meet your mom? Is that such a good idea?”
“Yeah, I mean, I think you should meet her. It’s important to me,” Steve says insistently, hoping to convey how big of a deal this is with his tone. Tony lets out a laugh and blurts out, “Why?”
Steve sighs and shakes his head in response. “You know what, just…forget about it. Forget I said anything.” He slams his laptop shut, hastily shoving it into his backpack and swinging it over his shoulder as he stands up.
Tony quickly stands up to stop him from leaving. “Wait, no, no, that’s not what I meant. I just--”
“It’s fine,” Steve cuts him off sharply but immediately softens his tone as he looks back at his boyfriend, “It’s fine, okay? I’m just going to go for a walk to clear my head.”
“Wha-? No, can we just--”
He scrambles out of the room as fast as he can, before Tony can say anything else because he’s honestly just tired. “I’ll call you later.”
~~
When his mother first told him about soulmates and all that it supposed to mean, it seemed like a fairy tale. Growing up a sickly, scrawny kid that had trouble making more than one friend, the idea of someone out there who is supposed be his perfect match, someone who’s supposed love him unconditionally, was quite exciting. Even as he grew up, he still maintained a sense of wonder in something he thought was so magical. They never tell you what happens after happily ever after.
Steve walks aimlessly around the college campus, lost in his own thoughts. Looking down at his right wrist, he traces over the words that have been there since the day he was born. He’s not sure if he’s really all that upset about what happened back there. Or if it was just another addition to the mounting list of doubts he’s been having over their relationship.
After the initial few months of bliss when they first found each other, it feels like they’ve hit a lull. Steve can’t remember when was the last time they shared anything truly meaningful or did anything other than casually hang outs and the occasional make out session. There are times when Tony really can be sweet and lovely and Steve thinks there’s no one else he could ever want for a soulmate. But then there are times when he’s trying to take a step forward in their relationship and Tony just freezes up and pulls away.
Especially on the topic of meeting each other parents or rather getting Tony to meet his mother- since Tony has made it abundantly clear that meeting his parents is out of the question which is another concern all on it’s own- which he had been attempting to do for while now only to be met with a change of subject each time he so much as hinted at it.
Tony’s parents seem to always plan some big trip during the holiday seasons, leaving Tony to spend most Christmases on campus. Steve thought that was strange; leaving their own son to his own instead of celebrating together as a family. When he brought it up once, Tony had brushed it off, assuring him that this was just how it’s always been.
As their friends were leaving for the holidays, it didn’t seem right that he was going to be alone. He thought it would be nice to spend Christmas with his boyfriend and it really was important that two of the most important people in his life meet. It really hurt that Tony just laughed it off when he finally managed to bring it up to him. At this point, he’s wondering if Tony is bored with him, if maybe the only reason they started dating in the first place is because they said the words on on each others wrists. He begins to wonder if his soulmate just wanted a casual make out buddy instead of a boyfriend.
~~
After the 10th call goes to voice mail, Tony slams his phone down and drops his head down on his desk in frustration. He had tried to backing off for two hours to give his boyfriend some space because he thought that was what he wanted. Even as worry and nerves were clawing at him, he restrained himself. However, as soon as exactly two hours passed, he started calling repeatedly to no success.
He really screwed this up, hadn’t he? It wouldn’t be the first time his involuntary laugh screwed things up for him; people didn’t particularly like it when he laughed at something that was supposed to be serious. He had tried to get it under control but it was like a reflex that came out every time he felt uncomfortable.
At the mention of meeting Steve’s mother, his mind just froze. He knew he had been trying to ask him about it a few times and he told himself he to ready himself for it. But he just panicked. It felt… so serious and real and--
Part of him was excited that Steve seemed to think he was ready to introduce him to his mother while the another part of him was sure he wasn’t going to be anything she was expecting for her son. From everything Steve had told him about her, she definitely was to smart to fool into thinking he was anything worth while.
Hell, it was a miracle had that someone as sweet, loyal and wonderful as Steve was willing to take a chance on him for this long. He supposed it was because his boyfriend was a romantic who was so fascinated by the idea of soulmates but even his seemingly endless amounts of patience had to run out sometime, words on his wrist be damned.
~~
When his phone starts buzzing on the desk, he scrambles for it; fumbling with it in his haste to answer it. “Hey, hi.”
“Listen, I’m leaving for Brooklyn tonight, okay?” Steve says evenly, sounding tired and like he’s only making this call because he feels like he has to.
“What, why? I thought you weren’t going until the weekend,” he responds quickly, desperation lacing his voice.
There’s a long pause and for a while, he thinks Steve is about to break up with him right there and then. “Why are you with me?”
He feels his heart drop but he tries to play it off casually, “What do you mean?” And another involuntary laugh escapes his lips before he can stop it.
He hears a sigh over the phone. “Do you even want to be with me?”
“Of course, I do,” he says, alarmed. His arms flail as his mind works to find the right words. “I just… I’m not ready to meet your mom yet.”
“Okay, but it’s not just about that. You never want to talk about anything real. Last week, you practically freaked out when I asked you be my date at my art exhibit. In fact, you seem to have a problem with going on date in general or at least dating in public, you never want to hold hands with me in public,” it pours out of him like he couldn’t stop once he started, “and…I’m starting to question why we’re even together in the first place.”
He’s opens and closes his mouth, at lost for what to say. He’s blinking back the tears welling up in his eyes, distressed at how fast this all went so wrong. Unfortunately, his silence goes on for too long which makes the situation so much worse. He closes his eyes tightly, feeling like the walls are crashing down on him as he hears a sigh. “Look, we can talk about this when I get back. Happy Holidays, Tony.”
~~
He’s gets more than a little drunk after that, wallowing in his own misery. He’s not sure how much time passes but it’s dark outside when someone comes into his room and switches on the lights. The lights are blindingly bright or it seems that way at least, given that he’s been sitting alone in the dark for God knows how long.
“Hey, did you…borrow my charger?” Rhodey trails off when he sees the state he’s in.
“No, but I think you left it on my desk,” Tony mumbles. He’s lying on the floor with one arm laid over his eyes. A nearly empty bottle of whiskey lays open beside him, it’s little remaining contents spilling out onto the carpet.
“What happened?” Rhodey asks, as he kneels down to drag his friend up into a sitting position.
“Aren’t you supposed to be packing?” Tony drawls out, clumsily changing the subject.
“I can finish packing later. What happened?”
“Well, I just got dumped.” His best friend looks taken aback momentarily but otherwise maintains a calm expression. He nods but doesn’t say anything, gesturing for to elaborate. “So, you know how I’m a genius and an idiot at the same time, right?”
“Hard to miss,” Rhodey answers without missing a beat.
“Rude,” he says with a hint of a smirk, never too beaten down for their back- and-forth, before immediately getting back on track, “Yeah, so, Steve has finally realized it. And he’s also realized that I’m not worth his time and that the words on his wrist are a tether he should cut off.”
Rhodey gives him a questioning look and opens his mouth to say something but Tony drunkenly adds on, “I didn’t mean he should cut his hand off, I meant he should cut me off.”
“Yeah, I got that,” Rhodey says, patting him on the shoulder. He exhales loudly and says without sympathy, “You’re just going to sit here and wallow in your own misery, then. You’re just going to let the first person, in a long time, who’s actually made you the happy walk away.”
“He deserves to be happy and that’s never gonna happen with me,” Tony murmurs, reaching for the whiskey bottle but Rhodey snatches it away.
“Says who? The hell with them,” Rhodey says without giving his a chance to get in a word edgewise, scrubbing his face with his hands in exasperation, “Look, asshole, I really don’t have time for your self-pity shit, okay? I got packing to do. Now, here’s what you’re going to do; you are going to go to your boyfriend and talk to him, have a real conversation and tell him how you ‘re feeling about him, about your relationship.”
Tony opens his mouth to protest but Rhodey cuts him off before he can even start, “No, shut up. Because he’s an idiot too and you idiots just like to bottle up your idiotic frustrations and wallow in your idiotic miseries until you reach a breaking point when this all could be easily resolved if you idiots just Talk. To. Each. Other.”
If only because he can’t resist being an ass, “Say idiot again.”
“Idiot,” Rhodey complies with a smile. He playfully whacks him on the head and says, “Now, go talk to your soulmate.”
~~
In retrospect Tony figures he should probably have showered before he left, the people sitting next to him on the train looked like they could smell the alcohol on him the entire ride over. But on the bright side, the cold night air was doing wonders to sober him up. It takes a while but he does manage to find the right place, an quaint apartment building that looked like it’s been standing for ages.
The floor creeks underneath him as he marches up the stairs with confidence, running through what he’s going to say over and over inside his head. He’s actually in good spirits until he’s actually midway through knocking on the door.
Shit, what am I actually doing? Do I actually have a plan? Oh, well, might as well just wing it, never failed me before. Oh God, this is a bad idea. I should just run; run far away, change my name and-
A tired looking middle aged woman with blonde hair, dressed in a worn robe, answers the door. Oh, great. You woke her up. It’s pass midnight, idiot! If she’s suspicious of him, she doesn’t show it. “Hello, may I help you?”
“Uhhh, yeah, I-”
“Tony?”
His heart is racing a mile a minute when he hears Steve voice. His throat goes dry as well as the only thing he can croak out when he sees him appearing in the doorway is, “Hi.”
They stand there, staring at each other in silence for what felt like hours.
“What are you doing here?” Steve says eventually, keeping a neutral expression on his face. Tony thinks he sees a flicker of annoyance for a second but he tamps down the urge to dash out of there.
“I was in the neighborhood and I thought that we could talk for a bit,” he says, trying to keep his tone light but the break in his voice betrays him.
“Oh, so you’re Tony. Why don’t you come in, dear?” Steve’s mother smiles brightly at him, opening the door wider to let him in.
He takes a step back, smiling apprehensively at her. “I probably shouldn’t stay, I just wanted to chat for --”
“Excuse us, Ma,” Steve says quickly, grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him into his room.
“Oh, alright boys, don’t stay up too late, okay?” his mother calls out after them with a yawn, seemingly completely understanding- way more understanding than his parents would ever be, Tony thinks to himself.
Tony rubs at his wrist when Steve finally lets go when they reach his room.
“Nice room, by the way. Really exactly how I pictured your room would look like,” he rattling off the first thing that comes to mind in any attempt to avoid the conversation he knows they have to have.
Steve is leaning against the door with his arms crossed in front of him, looking at him expectantly.
The hell with it.
“I’m not good at this, okay?” He feels frantic and unsteady, like he’s buzzing out of his skin as he shifts his weight from from one foot to the other. “I’m not good at relationships. My dad always believed that showing affection was a sign of weakness but I don’t want to be like him. I really do want to go on dates in public with you and hold your hand but I’m not good at being open with anybody,” He’s talking way too fast and Steve is looking at him like he’s crazy but he may never have the courage again if he doesn’t say it all now. “And you shouldn’t feel like you’re stuck with me because of this soulmate crap because you are an amazing person. You deserve so much better than a trainwreck like me, you deserve the world. And I may be making a huge mistake by saying that because, selfishly, I had hoped you would never figure that out. Because I love you and you know what, I’m sorry if I say I need you but I don’t care, I’m not scared of love. Not anymore.”
Tony swallows thickly and lets out a deep breath; immediately fearing he’s said too much. He’s shaking with nerves and Steve is just looking at him blankly, arms crossed in front of him. It feels like ages before he finally says something. “You just quoted One Direction.”
“That’s the part you bumped on?” Tony says incredulously, “I just told you I love you.”
“Yeah, I know and I love you too but I’m just saying, you apparently have One Direction on your playlist,” Steve says evenly with a neutral expression. But it eventually evolves into a grin. His arms drop to his side; body language shifting into a less guarded position.
“Are we seriously talking about this?”
“I mean, it’s a good song, don’t get me wrong--” he teases, barely holding in his laughter.
“Shut up,” he playfully punches his arm. They’re laughing together and it feels like those first few months again when everything had seemed easy.
When the laughter dies down, Tony drops his gaze to the ground. “Listen--”
“You’re not a trainwreck,” Steve says with such intent, he could almost believe it himself. “You’re incredible and you can be so lovely when you’re stop getting caught up in your own head. I understand if you need time to get used to being affectionate with someone because to be honest, I was freaking out too initially. But I guess I adjusted to being in a relationship faster so I shouldn’t have went off on you the way I did…and as someone has helpfully told me, we probably should have had talked about this with each other a long time ago.”
Tony smiles softly, “What I can I say; we’re idiots.”
“No arguments here.” Steve steps toward him, wrapping his arms around his neck. “I love you so much.” He kisses him softly.
Tony meets his lip with equal fervor, holding on to his torso to steady himself. The kiss lights a warm fire deep within him and he never wants it to end.