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Fount paced around the room, fidgeting with the rope in his hands.
He struggled with tying the noose, despite having done it plenty of times before.
It wasn't like it worked . He kept trying to kill himself, and it obviously never worked, and he still kept trying because he was too pathetic to do anything else or even just— ask for help.
It wouldn't really hurt anyone, anyway. It didn't matter.
He at least wrote something to Healer, considering he was staying in the Spire with him, and there was no reason not to do that for him.
…And he loved him.
Would it hurt Healer when he died?
He didn't know. Probably. Though, Healer was upset when… anything died.
Fount still remembered how Healer had found a little injured bird, and broke down sobbing in his arms when he couldn't heal the poor thing.
He'd felt so guilty, no matter how much Fount had tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, that it was already injured and was going to die anyway, and he'd at least made the poor thing more comfortable before it died.
He still didn't believe it wasn't his fault.
Fount pulled his chair to the middle of the room, staring at the chandelier above him.
He made some kind of knot around it, glancing toward the door.
…He'd hate for Healer to have to deal with this later. He didn't deserve that. Even if he didn't really want him. Healer seemed like he'd be upset if his worse enemy died because he couldn't 'save' them, really.
Fount sighed, taking the rope down and tossing it in the closet.
He stumbled off the chair, landing with a yelp and hitting his head against his bed frame.
Whatever. He'd be fine. He didn't actually hurt himself.
He shoved his chair back to his desk, shuffling through the drawers to find ink, some paper, and a quill.
He could just— write and distract himself.
Was he being too loud? It would be very easy to wake Healer up if he was. He still wasn't used to having others in the Spire, even if Healer had been there for months. Nearly a year, really.
Considering his room was just down the hall, it wouldn't be hard to wake him up, especially when he fell like that. And yelled.
Whatever. He probably didn't—
"Fount?"
Fount nearly launched himself out of his chair before he'd recognized Healer's voice.
When did he open the door?
"What?"
Healer stepped over to him beside his desk, "I thought I heard something fall, and you yelped, so I thought you were hurt. You alright?"
"Oh—! Yeah, I just tripped. Landed on my face. Heh."
"…Are you sure?"
"Yeeep! Hundred percent, totally sure, why wouldn't I be, hm?"
"…No reason," Healer mumbled, "It's pretty late, isn't it?"
"I dunno. Haven't kept track of the time. Past midnight, at least?"
"…Okay. Why haven't you gone to bed?"
Fount frowned, "I don't need to—"
Healer yanked him out of the chair and shoved him into his bed, earning a little "hmph—" from Fount.
"I—"
"Sleep. Now."
Healer tugged the blanket up over him, kissing him on the cheek.
"Love you, goodnight."
"…Night. Love you too," Fount mumbled.
Healer shut the door, soft enough Fount didn't even hear it close.
Fount sniffled, burying his face in the pillow.
Why did he care about that?
Why did he care about him?
He shouldn't. Fount was just… annoying, and clingy, and emotional, and constantly doubting and nagging him, and just— horrible.
But he did, and Fount was seriously planning to kill himself. What would Healer even think of him for that? He'd probably be upset at him. Tell him that was stupid, that he was stupid.
He'd be right, of course.
Fount tried to keep himself quite while he cried, so Healer didn't overhear him.
Why was just being told to go to sleep making him cry?
That was stupid. It was stupid. It was stupid, and he hated it.
Fount hated how Healer kept being kind to him. He hated how he couldn't tell if he actually liked him or he just liked being treated kindly and being given attention for once.
…Maybe both. He didn't know.
He really didn't know anything.
Fount sobbed harder, latching onto the pillow like his life depended on it.
Damn it— could he just shut up?
He was being so loud and snotty and disgusting and whiny and he hated it."
He hated himself so much.
He wasn't supposed to be here, being so pathetic and selfish. It was so utterly selfish for him to even attempt that. Healer probably would've been— he didn't know.
Hell, he was still upset about the bird, and that was months ago and he was only familiar with it for a couple of days.
Healer— or Fount assumed it was him— knocked on the door, "Starlight? Are you alright?"
"I—I"m fine," Fount whined, trying to hide the fact he was crying.
Healer opened the door, stepping over to his bed and just… sitting down beside him.
Fount wanted to tell him what happened, to ask him to just— tell him if he wanted him or not.
Healer didn't say anything, just tapping his nails against him staff anxiously.
Fount sat up, wrapping his arms around him.
Healer smiled at him, leaning his staff against the wall and curling up against him.
Fount just tucked his head into his shoulder, sobbing harder than he was before, allowing Healer to rub his back.
"I love you…" Healer mumbled, tensing at Fount digging his nails into him.
Fount sobbed, "I'm sorry— I'm— Healer I'm— I love you— I'm sorry—"
"Hey, hey— why are you crying?"
"…I don't wanna— I can't— 'm sorry—"
"Alright. Why are you apologizing, Starlight?"
"I—I did— I almost— I almost messed— everything up, and I—"
Fount pulled away, looking up at him through tears.
Healer took the moment to kiss his forehead, Fount sobbing harder in response.
"Oh— I'm sorry— did I hurt you?"
"No— no no— you're fine— you're fine, Healer— I love you—"
Healer kissed him again, on the lips this time, the taste of vanilla meeting his lips for a moment before he pulled back again.
"I love you too. I want to know what's wrong, please?"
Healer wiped the tears out of his eyes, Fount letting out a sniffle.
"I don't— I want to know if— you still— want me."
Healer furrowed him brow, "Of course I do. I— how'd I make you feel like I didn't?"
"You didn't— I just…"
Fount kept sobbing, Healer grabbing his hand.
"Hey, look at me. Can you breathe with me, please?"
Fount nodded, copying Healer as he pulled in a deep breath, and then let it out.
They did that a couple times before Healer's hand went to his cheek instead, rubbing the tears away.
"You feel better now?"
"Mhm."
"Okay. Can you talk now?"
Fount sighed, "I— look, it's not like you did anything, I just… wanted to know. Cause I guess I kinda feel like I'm… not— I don't know."
Healer ran his hands through Fount's hair, "Like I shouldn't want you?"
"Y-yeah, I guess. I don't know. I just feel like 'm really… terrible to be around. I just— I'm annoying, I guess, and pathetic, and stupid, and whiny, and—"
Healer put a hand over his mouth, "Please stop. I don't think of you like that, My Fount."
Fount nudged him away, "Really?"
"Mhm."
"Pfft— how?"
"Well, let's see… why'd you think you're annoying, hm?"
"Cause I— I just can't shut up, I guess. I doubt you can really understand what I'm saying half the time, and— it's probably just irritating to hear my rambling about useless theories. And my voice is just… squeaky and loud and annoying!"
"I like listening to you talk, Fount. I think your voice is beautiful. And… sure, sometimes I don't really understand why you're interested in things, or what you're even trying to say, but I can always ask, right?"
"…I guess, but—"
"And it's utterly adorable how you light up when I ask you questions about your work. You clearly love to talk, and I love to hear you, and I don't care how 'useful' your ideas are, I think they're interesting despite that. I like it when you ramble about whatever new theory or experiment you have, because I like it when you're happy."
Fount teared up again, "Really?"
"Mhm. I love it when you're happy, really. Because I love you."
"…Pfft. You're so sappy."
"I'm just explaining how much I love you~!"
Fount giggled, Healer kissing him on the cheek.
"Okay… what about the other things you said, hm~?"
"I'm pathetic, and stupid, and whiny, and—"
"Okay, you're obviously not stupid, Star."
"Yes I am."
Healer sighed, "Okay, well, you were just saying you were annoying because of you talking about the theories and experiments you come up with."
"…Yeah?"
"And you came up with those things because you're…?"
"I— hush."
"Fount."
"Fine, you're right, I guess. But that means I was wrong, so I was being stupid."
"No, that means you got something wrong. You're not stupid. You made a mistake."
"…Alright."
"And how are you whiny?"
Fount giggled, "I was just sobbing and getting my tears and— snot all over you."
"Because you were upset, right?"
"Mhm. And I kinda thought you would tell me you didn't want me."
"Oh— of course I wouldn't."
Fount snuggled into his chest, "And that's also why I'm pathetic."
"…No, you aren't. You can cry without being 'pathetic.'"
"I'm being annoying."
"You aren't, I want you to cry if you're upset. I don't mind comforting you, Fount."
Fount whined, latching onto him tighter.
He just wanted to stay as close to to him as possible.
"I love you, My Fount."
"I know. Love you too."
Healer ran his hand through his hair again, "I mean it. I really love you, even if you think I don't, I promise, I truly do want you to stay with me."
"…Yeah. I know. I do too."
Healer kissed him on the cheek, "Okay. You need to go to sleep."
Fount scoffed, "What about you."
"Well, I'm only up because you tripped and hurt yourself."
"…Yeah. Guess so. Sorry."
"It's fine, just… goodnight. Sleep."
"Yeah, night."
Fount leaned closer into him, mumbling, "Love you."
"I love you too. Sleep."
"Okay…" Fount mumbled.
He fell asleep within a few minutes, clearly needing sleep more than he'd thought he did.
Healer chuckled, kissing him on the cheek before falling asleep himself.
He loved him so much.