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Pure Vanilla nudged Shadow Milk's shoulder, earning him a sleepy little whine from his other-half.
"What…?"
"You've been sleeping all day, Shadow Milk. Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine. What time's it?"
"Four in the afternoon."
"Oh."
Pure Vanilla kissed him on the cheek, staring down at him with worry.
"Bluebird…"
"Hm?"
"I-I'm worried about you," Pure Vanilla stated.
"Why? There's nothing for you to be worried about," Shadow Milk mumbled, turning away from him.
"I—" Pure Vanilla sighed, staying seated beside him.
Oh, look at you. You're so pathetic you can't help but make him worried.
"Wanna cuddle until my next meeting?" Pure Vanilla asked, his smile as adorable and warm as ever.
"Please."
Pure Vanilla wrapped an arm and a leg around him, snuggling into his shoulder.
Shadow Milk fell asleep and woke up several times while they cuddle, occasionally getting dotted on by Pure Vanilla. He loved it when he'd cover him in kisses, hardly expecting Shadow Milk to return it.
Shadow Milk wished he could be as affectionate as Pure Vanilla was. Do more than just… cling to him.
Somehow, despite the fact he'd slept through the entire day, Shadow Milk just…couldn't. He felt too exhausted to do much of anything, really.
Pure Vanilla nudged Shadow Milk off after two hours or so. Shadow Milk tried to tug him back to beside him, Pure Vanilla letting out a giggle.
"Darling, I have to go. I'll be back around seven, okay?"
Shadow Milk whined, his hand falling down beside his face.
"I love you," Pure Vanilla stated.
"Love you too…"
He picked up his staff, stopping to stare at him for a moment.
"What?" Shadow Milk asked, "Something wrong?"
"You look so adorable."
Pure Vanilla kissed his forehead, leaving him alone in his room.
He decided he might as well get out of bed. There was no reason to stay.
You know you're still horrible. You're not good enough for him.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Shadow Milk mumbled, opening a drawer of his nightstand to pull out some paper.
His gaze jumped to the knife in his drawer.
He dug his nails into his palms, closing his eyes in an attempt to just breathe. He wouldn't do that. He couldn't make Pure Vanilla more worried.
Oh, so now you don't want to worry him? Maybe you're only trying to protect yourself and using him as an excuse?
"No," Shadow Milk mumbled to himself, "But—"
You deserve to be hurt. After everything you've done, do you think you don't deserve it?
Shadow Milk put his hand on the knife's handle, his hand shaking.
…Pure Vanilla would hate to know he had it at all, much less to do this.
You didn't care until now. Just do it. You deserve it.
He was only making the situation worse. There was no reason to be doing this.
Shadow Milk glanced around the hallway out of his door, then walked down the hallway to the bathroom.
He shut the bathroom door behind him, locking and unlocking the door several times, making sure it was locked.
He slid down the door, staring at the knife in his grip.
Go on. You deserve it. You know you deserve it.
Shadow Milk tugged his sleeve up, dragging the knife across his wrist.
He deserved to feel so horrible, didn't he?
He deserved to hurt, and bleed, and cry over it.
He'd always been this terrible. Even when he'd been the Fount. He just kept it to himself then, but he still had always been.
His hands shook, watching the blood drip down his wrist.
It hurt, but it felt… better, too. He kept on doing it, until he'd covered his arm in cuts.
Aw, did someone fuck himself up again-?
Shadow Milk sighed, turning the faucet on and running his arm under it.
What do you think is going to happen when Pure Vanilla comes back and gets all cuddly with you again, hm? Do you think he wont notice you're hurt? That you did this to yourself?
He'd figure that out later. He'd just make sure Pure Vanilla didn't get a chance to touch him until they were healed over.
He could just ask him for help, but…
This was his choice. He had to figure it out on his own.
You remember last time this happened with him around? When you made him cry?
Besides, he shouldn't make him worried.
Shadow Milk turned the faucet off, tugging his sleeve up.
He got a bit of blood on it, but that didn't matter. Pure Vanilla shouldn't be done for a while, he had time to change into something else.
Shadow Milk trotted across the hall to his room, staring at the clock on the wall for a moment.
It was 6:50.
He could probably go over there and talk to him for a moment. It was going to take him a while to remember where the meeting room was, anyway.
He wouldn't tell him what happened, of course. He just wanted to see him.
•✶•————•✶•
Pure Vanilla jumped at a knock at the door, interrupting Golden Cheese's ramblings about Burning Spice.
Shadow Milk pushed open the door, Pure Vanilla smiling at his entry.
"What do you need, darling?"
"I-I thought you would be done by now," Shadow Milk mumbled, tugging at the sleeves of his sweater.
"Almost. Just wait a few more minutes, alright?"
"…Mhm. Sure."
Shadow Milk shut the door, Pure Vanilla staring at it without speaking for a moment before he turned back around.
Hollyberry nudged him out of his seat, "Go talk to him, hun. I'm sure Lily will have notes if you miss anything."
Pure Vanilla rushed out without a reply, managing to catch Shadow Milk before he was too far from the door.
He grabbed his hand, met with Shadow Milk pulling away immediately and staring at him like he burned him.
He was hurt in some way.
But how did—
"Go back," Shadow Milk mumbled, "I'm fine. Go finish talking to the other four about whatever it was. I-I wanna be alone right now."
"Are you sure?"
"Yea, leave me alone."
"…Could we talk once I'm done?"
"Fine, whatever, just go back to your friends."
Shadow Milk crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to look at him.
"Shadow Milk?"
"What?!"
"I love you."
Shadow Milk flicked his ear, "Yea. Love you too. Bye."
Pure Vanilla smiled at him as he left, and attempt to cheer him up, if just a little bit.
Shadow Milk did not return it.
•✶•————•✶•
Go on. Do something helpful for once.
Shadow Milk dragged the knife across his desk, wincing as it drew blood.
He put a hand to the cut, coating his fingertips in his blood.
…That would work.
He pushed it back onto his neck, glancing at the clock above his bed.
What would Pure Vanilla think when he came back?
What would he think if he saw him trying to do this?
What would he think if he was dead?
He should really just wait from him. He'd listen to him him, wouldn't he? Or at least heal him, or… something. Anything. He'd take the littlest bit of comfort he could give him.
You really think he would truly care? After everything you did, why would he? Enough to comfort you? You've spent soooo much time making you your little fantasies about how he'd react to you still being so horrible you don't really know, do you?
"Shut up."
The most he'll care about is you getting your blood on the floor.
Shadow Milk pulled the knife away from his neck, leaving a small cut where he'd grazed himself.
He'd just have to hope Pure Vanilla didn't notice. He probably already did when he grabbed his hand earlier, but he had to try to avoid him noticing.
You know he doesn't care about you. He just misses Fount. And you're nothing like you were back then. In fact, I'd say he wasn't totally wrong in thinking you'd killed him, hm~?
"I—"
It's not going to hurt him like you think it will. I bet he'd hardly even notice you're gone.
"No, he—"
Do you really think he'd still care about you if he could tell what you were think? If he really understood you?
He pushed the knife up against his neck again, trying to distract himself with the pain. He didn't care how much it hurt, he just wanted his stupid thoughts to stop.
You're just acting like this because you want his attention, aren't you? That's what you always do. You don't know how to do anything but act out, now do you? It doesn't take a whole lot to figure that out about you.
"If I was doing that, then I wouldn't be sitting alone in my room, would I," He mumbled, press harder into his neck, "I'd know how to make this into a show."
He wasn't hurt badly yet. He could pull it away without any real damage.
"Shadow Milk?"
Shadow Milk glanced behind him.
Pure Vanilla was staring at him with his stupid soft eyes. Damn him, being able to be so quiet.
Shadow Milk dropped the knife beside his foot, dashing over to Pure Vanilla and wrapping his arms around him as tightly as possible.
He didn't care if he saw his neck. He just wanted to hug him. He wanted him to love him, even if just a little bit.
Pure Vanilla put a hand over the cuts on his neck, while Shadow Milk was busy trying to hold on as tight as possible.
"…What were you doing?"
Pure Vanilla healed his neck without Shadow Milk even asking him to. The warmth of his healing magic calmed Shadow Milk, if only a little bit.
"I'm sorry," Shadow Milk mumbled, his mouth feeling dry, "I-I wasn't—"
"What's wrong?" Pure Vanilla mumbled, petting the back of his hand, "Why were you trying to do that?"
"I— did you really think I was serious?" Shadow Milk forced himself to laugh, "That—"
Pure Vanilla pushed his head up, looking at the spot on his neck where he'd pushed the knife in.
"Why would you put yourself in danger if you were only messing you me?"
Shadow Milk scoffed, "Well, I had to… make it realistic!"
"Bluebird…"
"What~?"
"I don't believe you would try to trick me that why, darling."
Shadow Milk's smile faltered for a moment, before he giggled again, "How do you know I wouldn't, hm?"
Pure Vanilla kissed his cheek, his gaze aiming to meet his eyes.
"Because I trust you. And I know you've felt like this in the past, Starlight."
"Pfft… you really… think I'm above that?"
"Yes. I think you're better than you were once. Besides, if you were lying to me, you wouldn't tell me, would you?"
Shadow Milk didn't answer, just scoffing and shoving him off.
He curled up around a pillow in his bed, Pure Vanilla following to sit beside him.
His hand hovered over Shadow Milk's. He didn't push it away as Pure Vanilla lowered it to cover his. His hand was warm. Really warm. Not hot, though. It was too comfortable to be called hot.
Shadow Milk instinctively leaned toward him, nuzzling against his hand.
Pure Vanilla reached down with his other hand to rub his shoulder, smiling down at him, clearly trying not to tear up.
"I love you," Pure Vanilla mumbled, lying down to snuggle closer to him.
Shadow Milk pushed the pillow away, Pure Vanilla taking its place immediately.
"…I love you too," He mumbled.
Pure Vanilla glanced at his arm, his eyes softening.
Shadow Milk whined, pulling his arm away.
"Nilly—"
"Can I heal you?"
"…Orchid, I'm fine."
"No, you aren't."
Shadow Milk nudged him off, sitting up and pulling his knees to his chest.
Pure Vanilla sat up with him, still holding onto his hand.
"I just want to help."
Shadow Milk pulled his sleeve down, shoving his arm toward him.
"Bluebird…"
"Don't talk to me like that. I'm not a child."
"I know. But I'm worried about you, and it looks— horrible."
Shadow Milk teared up, screaming at him, "Yea, I get it, I fucked up, okay?!"
"I didn't mean that," Pure Vanilla mumbled, staying focused on healing his arm.
He tried to ignore him. Tried to ignore how he was so gently brushing his arm, how warm his magic felt, how nice it felt for the wounds to stop aching.
Then he started to try and pull away while Pure Vanilla held him still. He kept fighting him until he felt a tear land on his arm, pausing to look at him.
Pure Vanilla let him go a moment later.
"I didn't hurt you worse, did I?" Pure Vanilla mumbled, his voice shaking.
"Are you crying?"
"…No."
Shadow Milk grabbed his face, staring into his eyes. Pure Vanilla was hardly holding back tears, nudging Shadow Milk away.
"I'm fine, I-I'm just worried about you. Okay? I want to make sure you're alright."
"Why are you crying?"
"Shadow, please—"
"No, tell me why you're crying. Now."
Pure Vanilla sobbed, "I'm worried about you! Do you think I don't mean that?!"
"No—!"
Pure Vanilla wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug.
He kept sobbing into his shoulder.
Why was he still crying?
"Stop. Please stop, I'm okay, Nilly."
Pure Vanilla just sobbed harder, hugging him tighter if that was even possible.
"Darling, please. I'm alright, really."
"Do you think this is alright?" Pure Vanilla whined.
Shadow Milk flinched, "…No. No, I-I don't."
ossible.
"Darling, please. I'm alright, really."
"Do you think this is alright?" Pure Vanilla whined.
Shadow Milk flinched, "…No. No, I-I don't."
Pure Vanilla pulled his sleeve back up for him, then brought him down to lie beside him, gently brushing the hair out of his face.
"I love you," He stated, "so much."
"I know, I love you too," Shadow Milk replied, nuzzling into his shoulder.
"I mean it. I really love you, Shadow Milk, more than I could ever describe."
Shadow Milk sobbed, "I know. I know you do, but—"
"I want you to be happy."
"…What if I couldn't?"
"Hm?"
"What if I'm never any better than this, Nilly? What if I always feel this horrible?! I've never gotten better, not in thousands of years, why would that change now?!"
Pure Vanilla sighed, "Well, then I promise that I'll stay with you until we figure it out. And I know you will."
He started rubbing Shadow Milk's back before he continued.
"Even if you didn't, I'd love you either way, because I love you, not the idea you'd get better."
"Then why did you even— I don't know, choose to— 'be my friend,' or whatever you said?"
"Because I wanted to. I know you aren't… really a bad person, Shadow Milk."
"I am."
"You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be even trying to be any better, would you?"
"…"
Pure Vanilla kissed him on the cheek.
Shadow Milk sobbed, "I hate this."
"Hate what?"
"I don't— myself, feeling like this, just— everything, please, just— I want it to stop, Nilly."
"…I'm sorry, Shadow Milk. I wish I could help you."
"I know! I-I know I'm gonna be like this forever, and I hate it! I hate it so much!"
Pure Vanilla held him tighter, Shadow Milk sobbing harder in return.
"I don't think you will."
He kissed him on the forehead, "I love you."
"I-I love— love you too," Shadow Milk replied, sobbing through his sentence
Shadow Milk ended up crying himself to sleep, despite Pure Vanilla's attempts to comfort him.