Chapter Text
Shadow Milk wanted to die again.
Of course he did. For some reason, the thoughts never seemed to go away no matter how much 'better' he felt.
He really didn't want to bother Pure Vanilla with that, but he didn't exactly have anyone else he could talk to…
But how was he going to explain that to him?
He'd been doing so much better just a couple days ago. He'd been acting like it, too. And then all of the sudden he'd felt horrible again.
He twirled his hand around, summoning a knife into his hand.
It would be awfully messy to do this in his bed, really…
Whatever. It wouldn't be his problem. He'd never cared about how his actions would affect anyone before. Why should that change now? Why would he pretend that he cared?
He rolled onto his back, holding the knife over his chest.
It didn't matter if he did this or not. No one was going to care about what happened to him. In fact, it was better if he did. The only cookie who might want him around was Pure Vanilla, but even then, all he did to him— all he'd ever done, to anyone— was hurt him.
He didn't want to be here, either. He'd decided that forever ago. Of course, he didn't have anyone at the time when he did, but even with Pure Vanilla now, that didn't manage to change his mind.
None of any of it ever fucking mattered.
Shadow Milk's eyes darted between his chest and the blade, his breaths quickening to match the pace of his glances.
It nearly slipped from his hands, his grip tightening just before it fell completely.
He whined. Why did he whine? This was what he wanted, right? He wanted to be dead. He wanted this.
He passed it into his left hand, letting it fall to his side.
He could barely force himself to breathe. He turned and latched onto a pillow, claws digging in like his life depended on it.
Why was this room so cold?
He looked to the window, checking with a glance if he'd left it open. It was completely shut and locked, the clouds obscuring the moon.
That was great. The room was just cold, and there was nothing he could really do to change it.
Although, Pure Vanilla had never seemed to mind when he snuck in and slept on the floor, other than asking him to use a pillow…
…
Maybe he simply wanted Pure Vanilla.
Well, not maybe. He wanted him more than he wanted anything at the moment.
He wanted him to cup his face and tell him he wanted him to stay and let him bury his face in his shoulder. He wanted his little kisses and his warm hands in his hair.
But it was too late at night to bother him. Especially over such a dramatic thing. He shouldn't disturb his sleep. He really needed it, considering he hadn't seen him sleep in… a while. Even if he let him, Shadow Milk hated the idea of waking him up.
He'd handle it on his own. Even if he didn't want to. Even if… he couldn't. It was how he'd always done things, after all.
Don't you think there's a reason for that, darling?
Shadow Milk pulled the pillow over his head, trying to block the voice out. Of course, considering it was within his head, it made it louder more than anything.
I mean, most cookies have friends they rely on. Maybe the reason you never have is because you don't deserve it, you know?
"SHUT UP!" Shadow Milk screamed, "Just STOP! I don't want to fucking hear it!"
He bit his own tongue, realizing he was probably waking Pure Vanilla up. Especially considering his room was just down the hall. He swapped his voice to something of an aggressive whisper.
"I don't care. You're lying to me like always."
Hm. You did always reject the truth, dear.
Shadow Milk grumbled, "It's not the truth."
Then why have you always been alone? There's no reason you should've been alone. After all, little Fountie wanted his friends to pay attention to him oh-so-badly at first, hm? You'd only stopped after you realized you'd never get what you want.
So tell me.
If he was trying so hard to get their attention and still couldn't, what does that say? How could you deserve if when you were so horrible they still didn't want you around at your nicest?
Shadow scratched at his neck, trying to distract himself from the noise in his head. It hurt, but it worked.
He glanced toward the knife he'd put down.
Aw, is dear Milky gonna slice himself up again~?
He lifted it off the bed, pressing it against an old scar under his sleeve.
Go on. No one's stopping you. No one would, even if they noticed you.
They won't care.
•<☾✶☽>•————•<☾✶☽>•————•<☾✶☽>•————•<☾✶☽>•————•<☾✶☽>•————•<☾✶☽>•
Shadow Milk banged his fist against Pure Vanilla's door as hard as he could. He figured if he didn't wake him up by screaming earlier, it'd be rather difficult to wake him now.
Pure Vanilla pulled the door open, blinking at him with sleepy eyes.
"Shadow Milk? 's that you?"
"Mhm."
"…Dear, it's the middle of the night."
"I know. I didn't really want to come bother you, but…"
Pure Vanilla's eyes flashed with concern.
"What do you need?"
Shadow Milk couldn't bring himself to speak. He wouldn't without sobbing. He chose to latch on to Pure Vanilla instead, looking up at him with pleading eyes.
Pure Vanilla let out a little "hmph—" before his face scrunched up, scanning Shadow Milk's expression.
"Are you hurt?" Pure Vanilla asked, his voice just above a whisper.
Shadow Milk nodded.
"…Okay, come on Bluebird," Pure Vanilla mumbled, tugging him into his room.
Shadow Milk followed and sat on his bed. Pure Vanilla picked up his staff, then gently nudged him to look at him with a hooked finger under his chin. Despite the tears he was just barely keeping down, he could still make out Pure Vanilla's face.
He was giving him his sweetest smile, bending down to kiss him on the cheek.
Shadow Milk wrapped his arms around his back, letting out a sob as Pure Vanilla returned the hug.
He sobbed, forcing his eyes shut, "I know I shouldn't— shouldn't have woken you up but—"
"No— no, Shadow… it's okay, I'm not upset with you. I don't mind, okay?"
"Mhm."
Shadow Milk let him go, Pure Vanilla grabbing his hand carefully.
"Do you want me to heal you?"
Shadow Milk nodded, tugging his sleeves up.
Pure Vanilla stared at the cuts for a moment before he started healing his arms.
Shadow Milk mumbled, "I—I really didn't wanna worry you, I'm s—"
"Don't apologize. I mean it, Bluebird, I'm not angry at you."
"You should be. Wouldn't be surprised if you just yelled at me for once," Shadow Milk replied, nearly yanking his arm away as Pure Vanilla's fingers brushed one of the worse cuts.
"No, I shouldn't, it wouldn't help either of us if I were screaming at you, would it?"
"…I guess not, but— I'd deserve it anyway. I'm always yelling myself anyway, so it's only fair if you yell back, right~?"
"No you don't. I— you don't yell that much, darling. And I don't think that makes it 'fair.'"
"Yes I do. I'm being fucking stupid."
"No, you're not."
"Well— how is this not stupid?! Just— I should know better than— this!"
Pure Vanilla sighed, "Would you say that to me?"
"That you're fucking stupid? Of course. You're an idiot."
"I mean if I was doing the same thing, Bluebird."
"…Yes?"
"Hm… I don't think you would. And if you did, you certainly wouldn't mean it."
"I would, because it's fucking stupid."
Pure Vanilla paused healing his arms, pulling his own sleeves down, revealing his own faded scars.
Shadow Milk's eyes jumped between his arms and his face, frantically trying to guess what he meant to do.
How had he never noticed that—
"Well? Go on. Tell me how stupid I am."
"I— no."
"Hm, really~?"
"Shut up!"
Pure Vanilla giggled, grabbing his arm again, "I'm sorry, dear. But, if you won't tell me that for the same thing, then how are you being stupid?"
"I— I don't know, I just— I feel stupid for it."
"I see what you mean, and you aren't. But I understand how it feels."
"…I guess. I guess you would."
"You're the smartest cookie I know, Bluebird."
"Yea, yea, whatever."
He hated that he'd come to wake him up and let him heal him. He was only making him more exhausted than he should be.
…Then again, it'd probably be worse to tell him in the morning, right? Because then he wouldn't trust Shadow Milk to be alone, or come to him when something happened, and then he'd only be more worried about him getting hurt later.
So logically, it made sense that he went to talk to him now instead.
Pure Vanilla finished healing his cuts, kissing his arm like it was the most precious thing on Earthbread.
"Well, I'm going to bed, dear. Do you—"
Shadow Milk hopped up, starting to leave the room before Pure Vanilla stopped him.
"Shadow, wait, do you want to stay?"
"…What?"
"Well, I'd like if you would, but if you don't want to…"
Shadow Milk laughed, "Aw, did someone have a nightmare again~?"
"…No. I just would like to cuddle you, Starlight."
"Fine, I'll entertain you, I suppose! It's awfully cold in my room, anyway."
Pure Vanilla lit up—as in, the light in his soul jam brightened in response.
Shadow Milk grinned. It was adorable, how easily he was made happy by the littlest things Shadow Milk could do for him.
He snuggled into Pure Vanilla's side, allowing the other to kiss his forehead.
"You really do want me, right?" Shadow Milk mumbled, staring at the moonlight reflecting off Pure Vanilla's hair.
"…What?"
"Do you really want me to stay— I don't know, here?"
"I— of course I do? Is something wrong?"
"I don't know."
Pure Vanilla sat up, scratching behind Shadow Milk's ear.
"Why do you think I wouldn't? I just told you I did."
"…I dunno. You've been avoiding me, so… I just thought maybe— I did something wrong and you didn't want me anymore."
"Shadow…"
"Or you just got tired of me. Or—"
Pure Vanilla covered his mouth with his hand gently, Shadow Milk nudging it off as his other half spoke.
"Shadow Milk, I wouldn't want you to leave over something stupid, and I'd talk to you if it wasn't. I won't just get 'tired' of you, that's impossible considering how interesting you are."
"Then why'd you—"
"I wasn't trying to avoid you. I was only busy. I thought you knew that, Starlight…"
"Not really."
Pure Vanilla frowned, kissing him on the forehead.
"I promise I still want you to stay."
Shadow Milk hated how easily that made him tear up.
"Mhm. Okay."
"I mean it, please just stay."
Shadow Milk glanced away anxiously, "I will."
"…Are you sure there's nothing else wrong?"
"I guess you could say that."
Pure Vanilla tilted his head, "What happened?"
"…I was gonna do something worse. But— don't worry about it."
"What do you mean wo—"
Pure Vanilla paused, his brow furrowing as he realized what he meant. At least, it seemed like he did.
"…Shadow Milk. What were you going to do?"
"I said don't worry."
Pure Vanilla pulled him up closer, allowing him to tuck into his neck. Shadow Milk sobbed, wrapping him arms around him. Pure Vanilla rubbed his back, kissing his face several times.
Shadow Milk giggled through his sobs, "Whatdya think I—"
"Were you going to kill yourself?"
Shadow Milk nodded, sobbing harder into his chest.
"I—I'm fine, Nilly— I'm—"
Pure Vanilla just whimpered, gripping tighter onto him.
"Please don't leave me, Bluebird, please, I can't—"
"I won't! I won't— I'm not gonna die, okay?!"
Pure Vanilla stayed latched onto him. Shadow Milk continued crying into his shoulder, clawing at his back.
Pure Vanilla let out a shivery breath, running his hands through his other halves hair, attempting to calm then both down.
"I love you," Pure Vanilla mumbled, "I didn't make you uncomfortable, did I?"
"…No, it's alright."
"I really love you," Pure Vanilla said, looking at him with the sweetest smile, "Goodnight, Starlight.
Shadow Milk faked a gag, "Blegh. You're sooo cheesy."
"Maybe I am."
"Mhm. I suppose it's a little cute. I love you too…"
Pure Vanilla kissed his forehead, "Seriously, I love you."
"Mhm. I know…"
"I'll say it as many times you need to hear it."
"Well, do that in the morning. I'm tired, after all~! I'm sure you are too…"
"Mhm. Goodnight, Bluebird."
"Night, Nilly," Shadow Milk mumbled, nuzzling into his neck.
Pure Vanilla stayed silent for a moment before continuing, "I love you~…"
"Nilly. Good. Night."
"Okay, okay!"
Pure Vanilla cradled his head, falling asleep within a few minutes.
Goodness, he was so tired, the poor thing…
Shadow Milk wrapped his hair around Pure Vanilla, kissing him on the cheek before he fell asleep himself.