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"Darling?"
Shadow Milk looked back, spotting Pure Vanilla just as he wrapped his arms around his waist, then set his head on his shoulder.
"Are you feeling alright?" Pure Vanilla asked, "You've seemed… distant."
Shadow Milk shrugged, "Not really. Didn't mean to worry you."
"What's wrong, then?"
"…I— Well…"
Shadow Milk tapped his nails against the railing, thinking of what to say.
"I've been feeling like… I don't know, I deserve to be hurt. Or— dead. I just… you know. You've heard it all before."
Shadow Milk felt Pure Vanilla's grip on him tighten.
"Hey— I'm not going to do anything, don't worry about me, Nilly. I— I wasn't even planning on it. It was just a feeling, okay?"
"I know," Pure Vanilla mumbled, "I just don't want you to…"
Shadow Milk glanced down at the Vanilla Kingdom's dark streets, then back toward his partner.
"Do you wanna sit down?"
Pure Vanilla nodded, pulling Shadow Milk down to sit beside him immediately.
He pulled him close, peppering him with kisses before he set his head on top of Shadow Milk's.
"I love you…" Pure Vanilla stated, pulling him close, glancing toward the edge anxiously.
Shadow Milk forced out a giggle. He hated seeing how he fretted over him.
"I love you too. But really, Nilly, don't worry, I'm okay."
"Mhm."
Pure Vanilla leaned back, giving him one last kiss before Shadow Milk snuggled into his shoulder.
He really didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve for Pure Vanilla to be so gentle, and so forgiving of him. Pure Vanilla should've killed him back at the Spire when he had the chance.
And yet…
And yet he didn't. He chose him. And Shadow Milk rejected him, and then Pure Vanilla still gave him yet another chance.
Why would he?
Why would he chose to understand him, out of all cookies?
Did it have to do with how he loved Fount? Probably. But Shadow Milk was barely anything like Fount anymore.
…Maybe he'd just never get it. That was just how Pure Vanilla was.
No matter what the reason, Pure Vanilla had decided he was worth saving, worth a second chance at being good. And— he was probably right. After all, he had been better since Pure Vanilla had encouraged him to be.
And so, if Pure Vanilla felt like he was worth something, then he had to be. Pure Vanilla had to be right.
Shadow Milk turned his head to stare at the stars above him.
Pure Vanilla still seemed anxious, gripping onto Shadow Milk's hand when he moved.
"Nilly…"
"I'm fine."
"I think even if I feel like that, I'll probably be happier in the future. Especially if I'm with you, and— maybe it'll be sad to think back to now, because I'll be happy enough that feeling this horrible doesn't feel… normal. Does that sound stupid?"
Pure Vanilla brushed his thumb over the back of Shadow Milk's hand, "Not at all. I think… I think that's a great thing to hope for, Starlight."
"Hm."
"You know, it was adorable how your eyes all lit up a bit while you were talking."
The eyes in his hair tucked away, "I— it wasn't!"
"Yes it was~!" Pure Vanilla giggled, booping his nose, earning a flick of Shadow Milk's ear.
"Yea, yea, whatever. You think everything I do is cute."
"I mean it, Bluebird."
"Mhm. Sure. I think you're even more adorable with all your sunshine, light, and little freckles, but whatever you say~."
Pure Vanilla giggled, Shadow Milk kissing him on the cheek.
He looked so happy when he looked at him, nuzzling Shadow Milk's cheek before returning the kiss.
His hands brushed against the arm warmers Shadow Milk had, getting a small jump from his other half.
"Sorry," Shadow Milk mumbled.
"Don't apologize. I—" Pure Vanilla's entire face shifted to concern, "you aren't hurt, are you?"
"No! No— you only startled me— I— you can look if you're worried about it."
Pure Vanilla tilted his head, "Are you sure?"
"Mhm— here." Shadow Milk lifted up his arm, allowing Pure Vanilla to look at his scars.
He brushed his hand over them carefully, letting out a sigh at the lack of injury on his arm.
"See? See, I'm okay."
"…Mhm. I'm sorry, I just… don't want you hurt."
"Aw, it doesn't matter! It's not as if you haven't seen them before, hm?"
Pure Vanilla squinted at his arm for one moment more.
"Did you draw stars on your arm?"
Shadow Milk pulled back, "Y-yea, I just… thought it would be better than… you know. What I usually do. And I— I just felt like it, so…"
Pure Vanilla smiled, "That's… that's good. They look pretty."
Shadow Milk shrugged, "I know."
"It reminds me of the stars in your hair."
"Well, it's not like I have them anymore."
Pure Vanilla tilted his head, "I think they show up in the dark."
Shadow Milk glanced back toward his hair, pulling the a blue section to look at.
Pure Vanilla was right. There were tiny traces of the stars he used to have, like glitter scattered in the strands. They were nowhere near as bright as they used to be.
He could've sworn they weren't there before.
…Huh.
Pure Vanilla was still staring at his arm. Shadow Milk tugged the arm warmer up to cover them again.
"I won't die, Pure Vanilla."
"Hm?"
Shadow Milk looked at him seriously, "I'm going to make sure I don't. That way I'll get to be happier. Because if I won't then… then I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
Pure Vanilla started rubbing his back. Shadow Milk promptly slipped his head down to sit in Pure Vanilla's lap, causing Pure Vanilla to start playing with his hair instead.
He had to keep trying his hardest. Not just for his… 'friends,' or even Pure Vanilla, but for his own sake, too. For every version of himself he'd ever been.
For himself when he thought he'd stay friends with the other beasts forever. For himself when he was completely alone and had no clue what he was going to do for the rest of eternity as the Fount. For himself when he had Healer, and thought that was the best life he'd ever have.
When he finally reached his breaking point and corrupted. When he was stuck in that stupid tree. When he finally got out, and still felt like something was trapping him.
When he decided to be Pure Vanilla's… friend, the second time he'd asked.
If he decided to kill himself, did any of that matter? Would it really mean anything if he decided to throw it all away?
He had to keep going. If he didn't, every single choice he'd ever made to feel even just a little bit better, to be just a little bit better, would mean absolutely nothing. He wouldn't even be giving himself the chance to be happy.
Being with Pure Vanilla was the first time he was really… free. He had never had a chance to just be before, and especially not to love another cookie. Even when he had Healer, he was still trapped with… everything the Fount had to be.
Choosing to be with him wouldn't mean anything if he gave up. He'd hurt Pure Vanilla, too. That was different. It'd been a while since anyone cared about him enough to be hurt if he died.
He'd just have to remember that when he felt horrible.
Pure Vanilla nudged him to look up at him. He looked so pretty with the moonlight hitting his hair.
"Are you alright, Starlight?"
"Mhm~! I'm just thinking."
"About what?"
Shadow Milk's ear flicked as he mumbled, "Well… I suppose I was thinking about why I shouldn't… I don't know, die."
"Hm. What'd you think of?"
Shadow Milk smiled, "Basically the same thing I already said. I'm going to be happy. I will, no matter what. I have to. And anyway, it'll have to happen as long as I try, right?"
Pure Vanilla smiled back, "I'm glad. I want you to stay, too."
"I know. I just… I can't depend on you forever, right? I need to be able to handle myself if you aren't around, so— I need to have another reason of my own— I— I guess. It's still… it's still important that you're happy, though. So— that's another reason. I have two. And— I still want to try to be friends— like, really friends— with… the other four again. So that's three, and… I don't know."
"Is there anything you want to do?"
Shadow Milk glanced toward the stars, sitting up so he was beside Pure Vanilla again, at the opposite side to where he was before.
"I-I'd like to write more. Just— my own stories about… whatever. Just for me, because then I can do what I want. So— four?"
Pure Vanilla nodded, "Go on."
"And… and maybe it'd be fun to run a toy shop, or… something," he mumbled, tucking himself behind his hair.
"Really?"
"Mhm," Shadow Milk continued, blushing and shielding himself more with his hair, "Like— you know, plushies or— something. I want to because— I always felt like children seemed to have more of a natural curiosity than older cookies. I remember when I was the Fount they— at least seemed to like following me around and— well, I don't think trying the academy again is the best idea, but— I also like sewing. So I don't know— maybe it'd just… be good for me to have something consistent to do, and it would be helpful. Maybe I could add a little bookshelf, and then I'd be able to write stuff for that too, and—" He covered his face, "I don't know. It's a stupid idea, but—"
"It's not! I think that'd be amazing, darling."
"…You're just saying that."
"I'm not."
Pure Vanilla brushed his soul jam against Shadow Milk's, then stared up him, seemingly waiting for him to understand he was being honest.
"Love you too," Shadow Milk mumbled, pulling away and standing up.
Pure Vanilla followed, latching onto his hand and giving him a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey, at least I've got five reasons now," Shadow Milk stated, "That's… five more than I could've said even a couple years ago."
Pure Vanilla kissed him again, allowing him to be the one to drag them inside.
They curled up inside Shadow Milk's bed, Shadow Milk wrapping every limb— and strand of hair— that he could around his other half.
Pure Vanilla allowed it, snuggling his head into Shadow Milk's shoulder.
"Love you, Orchid."
"I love you too, Starlight."
…He would be fine. He just had to be patient, but he'd figure it out eventually, right?
He had to. For both of them.