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Seongin has been tossing and turning miserably in his bed for what feels like ages.
The ghost of today’s loss against JDG keeps haunting him without giving him a moment of rest. Granted, it hasn’t been too long since their last nexus was destroyed, but he’s pretty sure he is the only one on his team that’s still stuck mulling over said defeat.
He wishes he could’ve done more to help his team advance to the knockout stage. It's no secret that he hasn’t been playing well recently, and he resents himself for it. He failed to deliver when it mattered the most, and now he's here, alone in his hotel room, drowning in his regrets. To make things worse, League of Legends matches aren’t the only thing Seongin is currently struggling with.
For starters, he can’t recall the last time that he got a good night’s sleep. His sleep schedule, if he can even call it that, has only worsened ever since First Stand began. LYON’s journey in Brazil ended just as quickly as it started, and the pressure should be off, but sleep evades him still. He’s exhausted all the time, walking around like a zombie, caffeine proving itself almost ineffective as he tries his best to endure the grueling schedule. But even after all that, he still can’t seem to doze off when he finally gets the chance to do so. The same story retells itself every single day in an endless cycle.
Seongin feels useless, weak, and utterly crushed. Simply put, he’s tired. He doesn’t understand why that is—after all, losing is an inherent part of e-sports. Even so, though he knew what he signed up for when he decided to become a pro player, all the expectations that come with the job are becoming difficult to handle. He has thousands of people watching him, scrutinizing his every move. Some, like Kacper, aren't too merciful, which annoys him even more. Seongin knows he's been lacking lately. He doesn’t need Kacper to remind him with his arrogant remarks. He misses when casual banter didn’t bother him as much as it does now. It’s how the team normally communicates, but right now, it only serves as a reminder of the fact that he’s dragging everyone down. All of these factors directly translate to his lousy performance, and he's slowly but surely reaching his breaking point.
At least they don’t have scrims tomorrow. He can sleep in if he wants to. But what difference does it even make if his brain won’t let him relax, constantly making him remember each and every tiny mistake he made during the tournament?
He reaches for the nightstand, grabbing his phone and checking the time. It’s a bit past 1 AM. At this rate, he’s definitely not getting any sleep tonight. As a last resort, Seongin decides to send a text to the first person he can think of: one that, in theory, should be awake at this hour. He hesitates a bit once his eyes land on the name of the recipient—it's not someone whom he has had too much pleasure working with, their connection held together by little more than mutual tolerance.
[01:09 AM] Are you awake
Inspired
[01:09 AM] yea
[01:10 AM] what’s up
[01:10 AM] Can I come to your room
A wave of relief washes over him when Kacper replies to his message right away. Seongin's request is rather odd, there's no doubt about that, especially to a teammate that he has such a complicated relationship with, but it’s not like he has any other choice. Everyone else is probably already asleep, having moved on from their past failures, something Seongin is unable to do no matter how hard he tries.
Inspired
[01:12 AM] ?
[01:12 AM] sure ig? why
[01:12 AM] code is 2137
Seongin leaves the messages on read and groggily gets up from his bed, making his way to Kacper’s room. He enters the numbers and walks in without a second thought. He doesn't feel like looking Kacper in his piercing eyes full of judgement, not now, so he's grateful that he can come in unobserved. He only hopes Kacper can lend him an ear.
As expected, Kacper is currently preoccupied with reviewing the replay from today’s match, too focused on the task at hand to even spare a glance at his new visitor. Seongin knew this would probably be the case—the whole team knows that he always stays up late to practice as much as he possibly can, especially after a loss. Seongin would hate to interrupt—he already feels like enough of a burden. Instead, he decides to wait for the other to spare him a minute of his time and makes himself comfortable on the bed.
Left alone with his thoughts once more, Seongin wonders if coming here was a mistake. He feels like an outsider, a stranger, even though all he’s doing is sitting in his teammate’s room. Maybe it’s because of Kacper’s presence, which is bizarre, because it’s Seongin who got himself into this mess in the first place. But he can’t help feeling this way when Kacper seems so distant and cold, like he was hundreds of kilometers away, despite the gap being almost nonexistent in reality. The fact that Kacper has his back turned only makes matters worse.
Luckily for him, Kacper decides to speak up sooner than Seongin anticipated, breaking him out of his trance.
“Aren’t you going to say something? You know, since you felt the need to come to my room in the middle of the night?” he taunts, not looking away from his laptop.
Seongin hesitates, taking much longer to answer than usual. Kacper is always such an asshole, it pisses him off. In normal circumstances, he would’ve gladly retorted with some insult, but he can’t bring himself to criticize another person when he’s this close to hitting rock bottom. Not even when it comes to a guy with such a huge ego.
“Just waiting for you to be done with your review,” Seongin replies quietly, uncertainty discernible in his apathetic voice. He just wants some company, is that too much to ask for? He would've asked anyone else for help if he could.
“What’s up with you? You’re usually so loud, even if you’re losing lane so hard it could almost be considered griefing,” Kacper teases with his usual snarky tone, and Seongin can already visualize the cocky smile he always wears, even if he can't actually see it. This isn't the time for banter, can't he take a hint?
Seongin doesn't dignify that with an answer and lets out a harsh breath, finally making Kacper realize that something’s wrong. He pauses the replay and turns to face him. Kacper’s expression seems to shift ever-so-slightly upon noticing that Seongin isn't laughing at all, his features softening. When their eyes meet, Seongin looks away almost instantaneously—he has never seen this kind of look on Kacper’s face before.
“You good?” he asks. What a stupid question.
“I don’t know.” There’s a beat of suspension before Seongin chooses to correct his statement. “Not really.”
“But why? We knew the games were going to be difficult. The match against JDG wasn’t even bad,” Kacper points out, furrowing his brows. Seongin knows he’s right. The entire team, including the coaches, agreed that their gameplay wasn’t terrible. Unfortunately, this fact did very little to cheer him up.
“I don’t know, okay? I haven’t been feeling well for the past few days,” he admits and tries his best to keep his composure, but he can feel his blood start to boil. He assumes this conversation would've taken a whole other turn, likely ending in some sort of an argument if he wasn't so awfully tired at the moment.
“The coaches literally told us the same thing. You’re so dramatic,” Kacper replies, and Seongin looks up at him in irritation.
“Dude, would it hurt you to have some empathy for once in your life? I’m really not in the mood for this right now,” Seongin snaps at last, watching his volume, still mindful of the fact that they can’t just start arguing in the middle of the night.
Neither of them says anything afterwards, and awkward silence engulfs the room, as if time had frozen. But if there’s one thing Seongin is good at, it’s putting Kacper in his place when the situation calls for it.
“...Fine. I’m sorry.”
Seongin lets out another sigh. He has always known that Kacper can be insensitive at times, but even though he tries not to pay it too much attention, he tends to fail nevertheless. “I’m just so disappointed with myself. I could’ve done better. In our team, I was the worst in the last few series we played. Of course you wouldn’t understand.”
Having been rendered speechless, Kacper stays silent this time, which is quite a feat considering his general propensity for endless prattling. It looks like he’s actually listening this time, tossing his ego aside and attempting to understand the message Seongin is trying to convey.
“I’m jealous of you sometimes, you know? You work so hard, and don't care about what anyone else says. I wish I was that confident,” he confesses, averting his gaze.
“Are you serious? As if you don’t work hard too,” Kacper scoffs at the sheer absurdity of Seongin’s statement.
“I'm not like you, and even though I’m usually calm, things still find a way to bother me,” he explains, leaning against the wall. “And right now, it’s too much.”
This is probably the most honest he has ever been with Kacper, which is very unusual in itself—all they do is bicker, and they aren’t close with each other at all. Seongin wouldn’t exactly say that he dislikes him, but he’s much more attached to his other teammates. At least that’s what he thinks. He’s starting to doubt the truthfulness of this belief though, considering that spilling every little secret to him feels suspiciously easy right now. Almost too easy. Maybe it’s because of his exhaustion that he can’t restrain himself from doing so. The annoyance leaves his body surprisingly quickly after he sets the troubles weighing on his mind free.
“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.”
“It’s fine, I just don’t know what to say. I’m not good with words,” Kacper admits, but that last part was unnecessary. Seongin already knows. You'd have to be blind not to see how horrible Kacper is with handling emotions, even worse when it comes to consoling others. Seongin has never seen him look so lost. Kacper is usually able to come up with a solution to any obstacle he faces, but evidently this is more than even he can breeze through. “Do you wanna go get some air? You know, clear your head and stuff.”
“In our pajamas?”
“Chill, I can just lend you my clothes,” he offers, and tosses him a shirt and a zip-up hoodie of his. He acts immediately, without waiting for Seongin’s assent. “You look like you get cold easily.”
“How did you know?” Seongin asks, throwing on his teammate’s clothes with a beat of hesitation. What surprises him is that they’re actually a bit big on him, even though he’s much taller than Kacper.
“Are you seriously asking me that? You’re thin as a rail.”
For lack of a better comeback, Seongin decides to keep his mouth shut. He can’t argue with that when Kacper’s hoodie alone proves his point, the fabric engulfing the entire top of his body. He quickly finds that he doesn’t mind oversized clothing, though, appreciating the coziness that comes with it.
They leave the building afterwards, and Seongin is immediately hit by the crisp night breeze. The weather makes him feel pleasantly warm, even warmer with the clothes Kacper lent him. The humidity isn't a bother to him at all—he’s just glad it isn’t raining right now. While they take a peaceful stroll around the area, he takes in the fresh air, and it helps him calm down almost instantaneously. Seongin takes the time to appreciate his surroundings. There are masses of cheerful people wandering around the city, hopping from one bar to another and partying as much as they can. In the bustling environment, he can sense his own spirits lift, although the idea that Kacper may have been the one to aid him rather than the outdoor atmosphere is beginning to sound far more realistic.
“I’ll be honest, I don’t understand why you bring yourself down so much. You’re a good player, your mechanics are really good. And I feel like your composure is also one of your strengths. You don’t tilt when I flame you during matches. You just listen to my calls and improve your gameplay,” Kacper blurts out unexpectedly, effectively breaking the silence.
“Are you allergic to complimenting someone without making it about yourself? Also, I didn’t think you actually cared about that.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you literally can’t go a game without shittalking your teammates. I thought you just never noticed how toxic you were.”
“You call that toxicity? Really?”
Kacper sounded legitimately bewildered by that comment, to which Seongin replies with a genuine laugh, and it feels like all the pressure that has been building up over the last few days has suddenly dissipated. It’s been a while since he has allowed himself to express happiness in such a carefree manner—he seriously didn’t expect that Kacper of all people would be the one to turn the tide.
“You seriously don’t realize why I’m so harsh towards you, do you? You idiot,” Kacper mocks, but Seongin can recognize he bears no ill will, as the other bumps into him lightheartedly.
“No?” Seongin tilts his head in confusion.
“I just think you’ve got the most potential, Saint. That’s it.”
Seongin stops in his tracks, takes a while to analyze the words Kacper said so nonchalantly, and when his brain registers the information at last, something finally clicks. Maybe today’s result wasn’t as disastrous as it may have seemed. Maybe his colleagues don't bear any grudges against him after the match, and he hasn't lost all of their trust just yet. He can still bounce back, prove his worth. All of a sudden, Seongin feels like he's on top of the world. He could pull off the craziest plays right now, and carry his team to victory no matter the gold deficit.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, sorry. I just wasn't expecting that,” Seongin replies promptly and continues walking. He still doesn’t quite believe what he’s hearing. “You really think so?”
“Why would I lie? I’m dead serious this time, just look at our synergy,” Kacper reassures, the tone of his voice dry and blunt, which further solidifies his statement—there is no hidden meaning in his words, only the plain truth.
Once again, Seongin doesn’t doubt the validity of his teammate’s remark. He no longer has any reason to, especially since Kacper is extremely smart, his understanding of the game knowing no bounds. Receiving compliments from such a great player, the team's leader, makes his heart pound heavily in his chest, and with each step they take, more and more residual uncertainties that clogged his brain fade away into nothingness. All that’s left is untainted happiness, in the purest form that Seongin has seen since the start of the tournament. In his memories, he recalls all the different plays he was able to make with Kacper by his side, swiftly gaining an advantage over the opponent every single time. Ultimately, he allows himself to believe that he’s much better at the game than what his brain is trying to suggest.
They arrive at a small park nearby and end up talking on a bench in a more secluded area, away from all the ruckus caused by lively passersby with bottles of some local alcohol in hand. Kacper managed to convince Seongin to drink with him, stopping by a convenience store en route. He was opposed to the idea at first—he isn't too sure if drinking his problems away is the perfect solution—but talking with Kacper, he finds that he doesn't really care anymore. Seongin wants to enjoy his last moments in Brazil instead of lamenting over his lackluster performance during First Stand.
"Wow, this is disgusting," Seongin complains upon taking a sip.
"So you're not gonna drink it?" Kacper asks, looking like he's ready to grab the bottle from his hands and down the drink in one go. Seongin has to stifle his laugh at the sight.
"I will, it's fine. But it tastes horrible."
"Really? Now I want to treat you to some vodka."
"That's even worse."
"Exactly," Kacper says with a smirk, as if the idea of Seongin gagging on the drink due to its burning sensation was the best form of entertainment he could get. Vodka and "treat" shouldn't even be allowed to exist in the same sentence in the first place. Still, Seongin is not opposed to the idea.
"You're so annoying," Seongin whines, but his comment has no malice in it, the smile on his face blowing his cover. He looks down, suddenly finding the grass very interesting, feeling embarrassment creep up on him at the thought of going out with Kacper again, just the two of them—without any bitterness that stems from a loss poisoning the mood, and most importantly, with no bad blood between them this time, trickling into their interactions. Having overcome these obstacles, Seongin notices that talking with Kacper brings him more joy than sorrow, contrary to his initial conviction.
The conversation flows seamlessly without stopping. Eventually, League ceases to be the main topic of their dialogue. They flip through different subjects constantly, discussing everything they can think of. Seongin doesn't really register what they talk about. It's of little importance to him right now, especially with the fatigue affecting him more and more. Combined with the alcohol progressively clouding his judgement, he's pretty sure that tomorrow he won't be able to remember half of what they're talking about right now. He might be a lightweight, but this is still a remarkably fast pace at which he has gotten tipsy—it must be because it's been hours since he has eaten anything. Regardless, he is happy to be distracted by the idle chatter, rambling carelessly into the night.
As time goes on, their exchange grows uneven as Seongin starts listening more than he talks, too tired to get any coherent words out, letting Kacper fill the silence all by himself. He answers with hums occasionally, to show that he's still paying attention, though it's becoming more of a struggle with each passing minute. Kacper doesn't seem to mind. He's always been a very talkative person, which often got on Seongin's nerves in the past, which isn't that shocking. Sometimes it felt like running his mouth was all Kacper could do, yapping and babbling with that aggravating attitude of his, bossing everyone around. But tonight, Seongin learns that he doesn't dislike it anymore, because as it turns out, Kacper is much more than just a self-righteous bastard.
It's when Seongin's head finds itself resting on Kacper's shoulder, with his eyelids slightly drooping, that they finally decide to head back to their rooms. Or rather, it's Kacper who decides for him, taking charge and helping him stand up. Luckily, they didn't stray too far away from the hotel, or else the return would be an incredibly long one with Seongin trudging clumsily because of the alcohol. He holds onto Kacper for dear life as the other wraps his arm around his shoulder for extra support. They must look so silly right now, but Seongin can't bring himself to care, savoring the coziness that comes with the warmth radiating from Kacper enveloping him as they walk. It feels nice. Maybe the physical touch is the kind of comfort he had been searching for, back when his mind was in a much darker place just a few hours ago.
They finally reach their rooms, and Seongin bids goodbye to Kacper before closing the door, alone with nothing but an empty room and his own company again. A part of him wanted to stay with him a little longer, but he couldn't muster up the courage to reach out, ask him to stay over. Surprisingly, the intoxication that still lingers in his body only makes him quieter, almost shy. But he isn't anxious anymore, not after all the reassurance he received from Kacper. Instead, a weird, fuzzy feeling remains, accompanying him while he attempts and fails to recall today's events in bed. His memory is completely jumbled and foggy from exhaustion. It's only when his nose is hit by an unfamiliar scent that he becomes aware of the fact that he's still wearing Kacper's hoodie. Seongin breathes in the strong aroma of what is presumably the deodorant Kacper wears on the daily, combined with the faint hint of beer and something else he can't quite put a finger on. Whatever it is, he realizes he has quickly taken an odd liking to it. He savors it while he can. He can take a shower in the morning anyway.
A quiet buzz coming from the phone beside him takes Seongin out of his thoughts. It's a text message from Kacper. He can feel his heart rate pick up, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Seongin brushes it off, blaming the strange sensations on the alcohol.
Inspired
[03:21 AM] u better not start overthinking again
[03:21 AM] i meant what i said today btw
[03:22 AM] Thanks
[03:22 AM] Really, it means a lot
[03:23 AM] Also I forgot to give you your clothes back. Sorry
Inspired
[03:23 AM] just keep it. or return it tmr
[03:23 AM] ;)
Seongin seizes this opportunity without hesitation. Before he puts his phone away, he changes the contact name to just "Kacper" and proceeds to burrow his face into the fabric, hoping that it helps him fall asleep. It works like a charm, though he'd rather die than admit it, especially to Kacper. But would it really be so bad if he did? As it turns out, he has much more in common with the teammate he wasn't too fond of in the beginning. Isn't it ironic how his least liked teammate is the one he seeks comfort in? Maybe he doesn't hate him as much as he thought. He doesn't mind relying on Kacper when more struggles inevitably end up showing up in the future, though he has a sneaking suspicion that it won't be necessary—after today, he is ready to put his newly found confidence and an improved bond with his jungler to use. Things are looking up, Seongin realizes, as he drifts off at last.