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Till sat at the kitchen table with a paper and a pen, a serious expression that meant business.
Behind him was his mother with a worried but small smile on her face, looking amused. She set a plate of cookies on the table, from which Till took a bite out of one in his concentration.
Mizi, and most interestingly, the object of his affections, his sister, Sua, sat across from him.
Mizi looked on with a smile that seemed very interested in Till's reaction.
Sua remained unimpressed. She also seemed a little irritated, but that was a given. Despite her words, Sua cared a lot for her little brother, only a year older, but little brother nonetheless. She was quite protective of him regardless of words.
"Honey, I think you're thinking way too hard about this." Io laughed gently. She patted her son on the back softly.
Till groaned loudly, putting his head in his hands. "UGH! I don't want to make a fool out of myself! This needs to be perfect!"
Mizi laughed, and Sua deadpanned.
"Suck it up," Sua said bluntly. "You're making this too complicated. Ivan's an idiot, so you'll just confuse him."
"That's a little harsh, dear." His mom couldn't help but comment, but her smile remained. She knew just as much that Sua's words were out of love.
Till knew she was right. Ivan could be an oblivious little thing. Despite teasing words, Ivan was extremely self-deprecating. His own mind was always telling him that he wasn't worth loving, as it wasn't the type that he was used to. Used to fawning over people who couldn't care less about him.
But Till wasn't any of those people. He wanted to be the one for Ivan when he realized his feelings for Mizi were superficial and were hiding behind them. Now, Till was determined to make Ivan his. Willing to battle those dark thoughts in Ivan's head.
"Sweetheart, wouldn't it be better just to tell him? There's no need for anything to be too complex." Io advised.
Till sighed, "That's the thing, Mom. Even if I'm upfront with him, Ivan will just deflect all that. Even run away. He's done that to me so many times!"
Sua nodded, exasperated, "Many conversations he wiggles his way out of."
Io just laughed, "If so, then just keep reiterating that you love him. His mind may tell him differently, but Till, you know your feelings. You love him, and Ivan's own thoughts can't fool him forever. If you let them, then surely Ivan will hurt himself."
The three paused, looking at each other and nodding.
"Thanks, Mom. That does make sense."
Mizi patted Till's hand, "He can't ignore it forever if he continues to be around you."
Sua gleamed, "I don't think he'd be able to stay out of your life. Not if it means you are not happy."
Till's chest tightened at Sua's words. Ivan may run away, or even avoid him, but none of that could keep him from Till. Even if far away, Ivan would and could get personal to make sure Till was safe and happy. It hurt a lot to see how selfless Ivan was. Putting aside his own wants and desires because he knew it wouldn't suit him, not in this society anyway.
"At school then?" Mizi tilted her head, asking Till a question.
"Maybe a place where he can't run?" Till mumbled to himself.
Io stared at her son with a deadpan expression. Softly hitting her son's shoulder. "That isn't a good solution."
"But, Mom, I told you! Ivan will run if I even show an inkling of my feelings. Always deflecting and saying that I'm being silly! He'll do anything to avoid hearing me out!" Till sprayed his hands all out. Truly, his heart hurt every time Ivan avoided hearing what Till truly felt. Always going for the self-deprecating.
Io softly sighed to herself, a small frown before it formed into a soft smile, "Just be gentle with him. Let Ivan feel he has a choice, but also let him understand that your love is real. When he's ready to listen, you'll be there."
She kissed her son's forehead. "That's all you need to do."
Till thought back to when they were kids and when he met Ivan for the first time. Despite the boy's annoying nature at times, Ivan was still a good force, played with him, and pushed him to pursue his hobbies in art and music. Ivan was unconditionally supportive despite his teasing nature.
He thinks back to the day he offered Ivan a flower crown and how Ivan was confused by it. Tilting his little head, littler than Till at this point, looking so very cute with his black eyes. Ivan didn't understand the gesture. Thinking about it now as a junior, Till realized it was worrying.
"Okay." Till nodded firmly. He wouldn't trap Ivan, but would at least give the boy an opportunity as Ivan gave him. A place to feel safe and to be given the chance to have real, actual love.
It was Monday, and Till made sure he was presentable. He had a letter in hand that demonstrated what he would say, but Till also felt it wouldn't matter. He always stumbled over his words when it came to Ivan. He couldn't handle looking at that adorable, handsome face.
"I can do this." Whispering to himself with a determined look in the mirror. His gaze followed a photo of him and Ivan from when they first entered school this year. Ivan with that special ol' smile of his. It was genuine and not a fake one.
"Ivan," Till whispered, "How can I convince you that you don't need to pretend around me? You can be yourself."
"Sweetheart! You'll be late if you don't leave now!"
"Coming!" Till grabbed his bag and went out the door with a rush in his step. His heart was completely set on getting Ivan's heart.
It was normal for the four of them to meet up when coming to school, and today was no different. Till's hands were already sweating when he exited the door, saying goodbye to his mom.
"Good luck!" Io waved him goodbye with a thumbs-up and a kiss to his forehead.
Till felt forever thankful for having such a beautiful woman to be his mother.
Mizi was the first to greet him, with a teasing smile, of course.
"Are you nervous?" She teased him, but there was genuine concern behind those words.
"Yes, but I'm determined to get Ivan to understand my feelings." Till pumped himself up with fierce determination. Palms were so very sweaty, and his heart was beating at going miles a minute. Till was scared shitless if he was being honest.
"Well, you better gather your wits," Always able to see right through him, "Ivan and Sua are up ahead."
True to Mizi's words, Sua and Ivan were up the road talking. Like normal, Sua looked annoyed because of Ivan's endless teasing. That smile forever seemed so very fake at times; at most, it seemed in-between. Till was pressed since he knew somewhere in Ivan he could smile genuinely.
Till would make sure Ivan could smile for real.
"Good morning!" Mizi waved over to them. Both siblings turned to them with smiles, one small and one just a little practiced; Till frowned in response. Since realizing his feelings, he'd become familiar with Ivan's facial expressions and how practiced they were.
"Oh, Till! Why the flushed look?" Ivan was already coming to him, poking his cheek like an annoying child. Till felt his face grow even hotter, especially at the prospect of what he planned to do at the end of the day.
"Hey! Stop poking my face!" Till pushed Ivan's hand from his face. Trying so very hard to act like he was normal. Totally not confessing to him at the end of the day.
But he also remembered Sua's words when she and Mizi left his house.
"The idiot's perceptive, but he's also oblivious to anything to do with love, specifically you. Don't try acting differently. He'll rationalize it into something else."
Till's heart hurt remembering those words. It ached knowing that Ivan's own mind warped Till's yearning actions into something that it wasn't.
"Stuck in the clouds? You should get out of them, or we'll be late!"
"Stop that!" Till pushed Ivan off him when the taller boy poked his side. It led Till to chase Ivan up the street while Mizi and Sua, the former laughing brightly. She wouldn't admit it, but Sua did let a small smile cross her lips watching the interaction.
She could only hope things went well.
But knowing Ivan, she knew he would warp, deny, and deflect everything.
Her brother hated being vulnerable.
The day went as you expected; Till was sweating with a rushing heart for the anticipation of what he was gonna do. His eyes kept going to Ivan whenever the raven-headed boy was in his vicinity. Even when apart, Till's gaze just couldn't help but gravitate to him.
The end of the day had come, and Till was shaking in his boots.
"Don't be a coward," Sua said bluntly, arms crossed. "Don't be any more of an idiot than he already is."
Till hated that she was right. He can't be a coward. Not when he spent an entire afternoon planning with his mother, Sua, and Mizi how to go about this. Ivan was an interesting specimen of a man whose qualities that made it confusing how he operated. So it was very difficult to understand how his mind worked. Ivan was the definition of a closed book.
Ivan only ever let you know what he wanted you to know.
"Gather your wits and get in there!" Mizi pushed him forward, and Ivan got the attention of what was going on.
"Hm? Does Till have something to tell me? Why are Noona and Mizi so insistent?" Ivan tilted his head as he so often did. Those dark eyes swirling with crimson, like blood in a glass bottle.
Till stammered, "Uh..."Fuck.. What do I even say to start this?! Poor thing couldn't act right around Ivan. "Come with me!"
Without hesitation, Till grabbed Ivan's hand outside, near the back of the school where a large tree lay. Small blossoms bloomed on the tree with such beauty.
"Here?" Ivan's heart stills. This area was a known confession spot for students. The fact that Till brought him here and was holding his hand, too. "Till...you can let go of my hand..."
"No!" Till blurted out. His other hand gripped Ivan's other one to make sure the taller boy wouldn't go away. A tight grip as he practically dragged the other to under the tree.
"What are you doing?!" Ivan was smart, quite in fact. He had very good grades, and as said, incredibly perceptive. Of course, that doesn't mean he did well with emotions.
Call him sick, but Till enjoyed a little of how distressed Ivan looked. It wasn't often you saw him like that. Particularly, Till liked the red paint on the object of his affection.
"I need you to listen to me!" Till moved his grip to be on Ivan's wrists, and they were tight so that Ivan couldn't run away from him. Not this time. "Please..."
Softness was hard to come by with Till. Not with Ivan anyway, since the taller boy loved to annoy the shorter one. Even so, Till still fell, and he fell hard.
Ivan stilled before laughing, "What's going on? Feeling strange, Till? This is so out of the blue for you."
Till's nose scrunched up with annoyance. "You little..."
"That's the Tilly I know!"
The shorter boy looked at the taller one with a sense of affection and awe. How could Ivan see love, specifically the one he wanted, but chose and listened to the thoughts that wanted to throw it away?
Till breathed in and out, "Listen here, Ivan..." His sharp eyes met Ivan's. Just as Till thought would happen, Ivan averted his eyes away from him. The soft red on his cheeks was becoming more and more prominent.
“Promise me you won’t leave.”
Ivan stared blankly. Cheeks painted crimson just as the red pupils in those alluring eyes moved.
”Let me say everything without interruptions. When I let go of your hands… just don’t leave.”
Till felt his chest hurt. Meeting eyes with Ivan felt so very heartbreaking and surreal. Just what will Ivan do the moment he lets go.
His heart was relieved just a bit when Ivan nodded, face blank but his eyes told Till everything.
He was nervous, and deservingly so.
“Ivan…listen to me and that’s all you need to do for me. Just listen and no interruptions! Listen and answer me honestly…” Till began, his eyes glazed over with all the love in the world for the boy in front of him. He forced Ivan to look into those eyes.
How could Ivan look away when Till pleaded for him not to leave. Even his gaze couldn’t leave. Those pale cheeks growing pink with every moment of silence.
Till breathed in and out before blurting it out.
“I love you.”
Ivan’s voice hitched. His feet are already itching to run away. His tongue tickled to make a teasing comeback to make Till mad. Maybe even make the boy hit him, but they were too old for that kind of thing now. This all felt way too good to be true.
Till stepped forward with a hand to his chest looking up at the object of his affection, “I’m sorry it took this long, Ivan…I’m sorry I didn’t realize my feelings for you were disguised back then, but what matters is I know now.”
The shorter boy grabbed the other’s hands gently. Too gentle for comfort.
“I made you suffer because of my ignorance. In the long run, you made yourself think that I wouldn’t ever love you, but I do! You suffered in your own mind. I know you have. Don’t give me that look.” Till’s eyes narrowed in how the red in Ivan’s circled with doubt. Red paint drying like oil paint, never wanting to dry. Ivan didn’t want to feel, to cry in this moment, but it was all inevitable.
“See. There it is.” Till made his observation. He took the opportunity to take a step forward and Ivan stepped back despite his hands still being taken a-hold off. “Ivan, I see that doubt in your eyes. It took me so long to see what that look in your eyes means. Even now, I don’t know it fully well. Ivan,”
Till leaned forward.
Ivan’s breath hitched again.
“I want to understand you more than anything.”
Tears fell down Ivan’s cheeks.
It was Till’s turn for his breath to hitch. Panic builded up in an instant. Never had he’d seen Ivan cry, not even like this either.
“You're lying to me! You don’t! You need to be lying to me!” Ivan was quick to deny the truth in front of him. With all of Till’s mistakes when it came to Ivan, he would make sure this wouldn’t be one of them. When the taller boy tried to tug his hands away, Till held on.
“You said you wouldn’t leave, Ivan!” Till’s voice croaked with emotion. Ivan’s eyes went wide at the sound. Did Ivan ever promise that verbally? His mind and body told him he said no. “You promised! Listen to me and not those thoughts in your head!”
Against his mom’s wishes Till forced Ivan down onto the grass. With reckless abandonment, Till held Ivan’s wrists down with his, by a little bit bigger hands.
“I love you, Ivan. Please believe me when I say that! Don’t listen to that funny mind of yours!” Tears were streaming down Till’s face now. Droplets dripped onto Ivan’s face, rolling down with his own. “I’m not lying to you! Not this time! Not like all those times I said I wasn’t drawing you when I did! I was lying to myself and you!”
Ivan had his face turned to the grass with eyes closed.
“How many times do I need to tell you right now? I love you! I love you! I love you!”
Till kept on saying it. I love you. Ivan resorted to sobs with his face flushed with reds and pinks. The breeze felt calm as Till’s voice got lower as Ivan seemed to give up. It allowed Till to embrace Ivan and sit him up. Holding Ivan’s head into his chest as the taller boy cried his heart out.
“I love you, Ivan. Don’t listen to that mind or anyone who tells you you aren’t lovable. You deserve a thousand suns, Ivan.”
There was a moment of silence.
“Do you really mean it?”
Till let Ivan raise his head. Till found tears still streaming down that handsome face that was once such a baby face. Remembering a time when they were both young, when Ivan was shorter than Till. Those beady black eyes with the coloration of red in them like marbles.
“Of course, I do.”
Ivan hiccuped, “But I’m annoying.”
“I love when you annoy me.”
“But I’m clingy.”
“I love you for that too.”
“I’ve hit you. Lied to you.”
Till raised his hands and pulled Ivan’s face in. The heat was hot on his palms. Their noses were so very close to touching; maybe even their lips could touch. “You thought I didn’t love you like this. But I do. Both my ignorance and this mind of yours made you think I didn’t.”
“I’ve given you mixed signals…I’ve messed with your feelings! Your heart!”
“And yet, I’ve fallen for you regardless, Ivan. I love you.”
Ivan collapsed with tears in his holding onto Till so very tightly. Till grabbed on with just as much vigour. He feared a life of losing Ivan, and he didn’t want it to be this lifetime, or any other ones. Despite any hardships, he hoped he and Ivan would find each other regardless.
“You really mean it?” Ivan whimpered, pulling back with those adoring eyes. They had a light in them like Till hadn’t seen in so long. Ivan looked beautiful.
“Always and forever.”