Archive of Our Own

Monty 

Location: Ottawa 

Breed: Jack Russel Terrier Cross 

Age: 2 years (approx) 

Sex: Male 

Color: White and Brown 

Meet Monty 

Monty is a sweet, vibrant 2-year-old boy who was brought to us due to his previous owner passing away. He is the perfect blend of typical Jack Russell energy and absolute mush—one minute he’s happily chasing a ball, and the next, he’s curled up on your lap acting like an oversized lapdog. 

Personality: Super fun, energetic, and incredibly affectionate. 

Favorite Things: A game of fetch, playing with toys, and claiming your lap for a good cuddle session. 

Training: He's a clever boy and knows a variety of tricks, with the potential to learn more. 

Good with other dogs. 

Good with kids. 

Good in cars. 

House trained. 

** 

'He's great isn't he?' Shane beamed at Ilya, as they walked back to their car hand in hand. They just had their first meeting with Monty, their potential new dog. A supervised, half-hour session to get to know each other. 

Ilya just hummed in response. 

The whole process was a completely different ordeal than with Anya, who was handed to Ilya by the Grovers on a silver apple-shaped platter and bonded with him instantly. For this adoption, the shelter insisted on over-the-phone consultation, three supervised visits and a home inspection.  

'Just look at him!' Shane said, pulling up the picture he took on his phone of the little Jack Russel while they were playing tug of war with a toy. 

It was probably ridiculous to admit, but Ilya was jealous. He was usually the dog-whisperer in their relationship, but Monty seemed to alternate between complete indifference towards Ilya or staring at him wearily and grumbling. He seemed to get along perfectly well with Shane though.  

'Yeah, he's a good boy,' Ilya nodded, because all dogs were good, in his opinion. 

Maybe it would just take some time for them to warm up to each other. Plus, since Ilya had sprung Anya on Shane without any warning, they decided that it was only fair that his husband would be the one to choose their new dog this time around. And Shane seemed to really like Monty.  

** 

As soon as the doors opened, Monty ran into their house in a flurry, yanking his leash out of Ilya's hand. It swung behind him like a whip, as he continued sprinting up and down the house like lightning.  

The scrapes of his little nails swooshed noisily on their hardwood floors. It almost sounded like hockey skates. 

'Why would you do that?' Shane snapped his head towards Ilya with an incredulous look, 'his paws are all dirty!' 

'It was accident!' Ilya said defensively, 'I wasn't expecting him to just pull like that.' 

'It's okay,' Shane sighed, then smiled apologetically, 'how about you clean up and I get started on dinner?' 

'Yes, moya lopatochka,' Ilya said softly, pressing a little kiss on Shane's lips. (my spatula) 

Ilya shrugged off his jacket and took off his shoes before heading to their cleaning cupboard to retrieve a cloth and cleaning spray. There were little paw prints everywhere, including some on the wall, where Monty seemed to have performed some kind of parkour while speeding through the building. Barkour. Ilya chuckled to himself. 

The scraping sound had stopped, so the little thing must have found a place to calm down somewhere. 

Ilya decided to just follow the pawprints Hansel and Grettel style and clean them up as he went. Finally, he got to the master bedroom, where Monty was sat on the bed. Specifically, his little butt and dirty paws were currently on Ilya's pillow, and he looked so pleased with himself for choosing that exact spot. 

'Agh, get down Monty,' he said in an authoritative voice that always made Anya listen immediately. His new friend did not even budge, 'Come on. Off.' 

Were dogs able to smirk? Because that seemed to be Monty's current expression.  

'I said off,' Ilya slowly walked closer. 

Monty stood up, but instead of following the instruction and jumping off the bed, he tensed and bent his spine into a round, shrimp-like position, and with direct, intentional eye-contact started to-- 

'No!' Ilya gasped, trying to get to him and yank him off his pillow, but it was too late. It was already happening. His new dog was actively shitting right where his face usually went at night. And it was a sloppy one. 

'Noo,' Ilya whined in despair. 

'Ilya? What's wrong?' Shane's concerned voice came from the kitchen. 

'Just,' Ilya sighed, 'I've got another mess to clean up. I'll be a moment.' 

He could hear Shane's soft steps coming closer, then stopping abruptly in the doorway. 

'Ew, throw the whole pillow out,' Shane scrunched up his face. 

'Yeah, good idea,' Ilya sighed, face scrunched up in disgust. 

'They said he was house trained,' Shane frowned. 

Ilya didn't want to voice his suspicion that this was an intentional act of defiance. 

'Might just be because he's in a new, unfamiliar environment,' Ilya said instead, hoping for it to be true, 'he's probably just stressed out.' 

'Oh, poor thing,' Shane said in a comforting tone, bending down to give the dog a little pat on the head, 'don't worry Monty, you'll settle right in soon enough.' 

** 

Throughout the next couple days, Monty followed Shane around into every room he went to. It wasn't too bad to start with. It only got a bit frustrating when Shane went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Monty began scratching at the door, sounding almost demonic and whining. He couldn't be pulled away from the door or consoled by Ilya when Shane was out of view.  Reluctantly, to stop further damage to their beautiful dark wood doors, Shane would let Monty just come in with him.  

We just need to give him a couple weeks to settle in, they both told themselves. 

As Ilya suspected, going to bed would also be a nightmare. Just like Anya, Monty had several dog beds to choose from – of course, he was interested in none of them. 

There is only one place he wanted to sleep, and that was by Shane's feet. 

No matter how many times they put him in the dog bed and told him to stay there, as soon as he thought that they had fallen asleep, he hopped into theirs. They even tried to put a piece of Shane's clothing into Monty's bed, to make it more inviting, since he seemed so attached to him, but no luck. After the tenth or so attempt, they just gave up and went to sleep with Monty by their feet.  

** 

It wasn't raining badly the next morning, barely a drizzle, but still Monty absolutely refused to go out.  

They were going to be late for a meeting about the upcoming hockey camps if they didn't leave soon, and Shane was getting increasingly more on edge. They were planning on giving the dogs a proper walk, in fact, they factored in an hour in the morning to doing so, but time was running short now and anytime they got close to Monty, the little thing sprinted away and hid just out of reach under beds, cabinets and sofas. No treats would lure him out and any hand that got anywhere near him was getting a quick warning nibble. It was getting very frustrating. 

'We can't not take him out. He'll definitely pee somewhere in the house if we don't,' Shane stressed, 'he's not been out since yesterday!' 

'We need to block off his escape routes,' Ilya responded resolutely. 

They got to the bedroom where Monty was currently hidden under their bed, out of reach. With a bunch of suitcases that they grabbed out of the walk-in closet, they built a blockade on all the other sides of the bed. 

'Lift it.'  

Monty wiggled like a slippery fish, but they had him. Ilya held on as best as he could, trying not to squeeze too hard while simultaneously keeping the little demon in place. He got a few scratches in the process, but he persevered. Shane quickly put on the collar. They held onto it while they put the dog slowly on the floor, then put on his harness. 

They repeated that dance multiple times over the next two rainy days.  

** 

Anya and Monty became akin to siblings, alternating between annoying and ignoring each other. They fought over toys. They chased each other around in the garden when the sun came out, but for the most part, they seemed to get along fine. Whenever Anya got to her bed to take a nap, Monty decided to plop right on top of her, and lay there, which she seemed to easily accept and ignore, continuing to nap. 

Ilya couldn't relate.  

Monty would wake him up multiple times a night by deciding to stomp or sit on top of his face. Or jump on his stomach, winding him. 

'Do you think they lied to us?' Shane said, watching the, for the moment, peaceful scene, 'about him being house trained?' 

It's been four days since Monty joined their household and since then he had peed where he was not supposed to at least five times, including Ilya's favorite shoes. Ilya could tell that Shane started getting stressed out anytime that Monty left his sight, constantly looking over his shoulder, eyes searching for the dog. Since most of the time Monty was a complete Velcro dog to Shane, it meant that, whenever he was out of sight, he was probably up to something. 

It made it very hard to make out. 

'I don't know,' Ilya sighed, 'maybe we just need to retrain him completely, like you would with a puppy.' 

'He seemed much better behaved in general before,' Shane frowned, 'do you think it's us? Are we doing something wrong? Or did they just make that stuff up about him knowing tricks and being well-behaved? 

Ilya didn't want to tell his wonderful husband that he had started to call their dog Demonty, because he was growing more and more convinced that he was some kind of evil entity. 

'Honestly?' Ilya shook his head with a defeated sigh, 'I look into his eyes and I think he understands everything we ask perfectly. I think he is just choosing not to listen.' 

'But why would he do that?' 

'I don't know. Maybe he's homophobic,' Ilya said flatly. 

Shane chucked a cushion at him.  

'Be serious.' 

'It is serious,' Ilya said, 'he wants to be man of the house but there is already two men. He doesn't approve of our lifestyle.' 

Shane just rolled his eyes. 

'You know, they do seem pretty relaxed right this moment,' Shane said thoughtfully, 'maybe we should take advantage of that.' 

'Oh?'  

Shane's lip curled up in a suggestive smirk. 

They quietly got up, tiptoeing out of the room in a cartoonish way, with conspiratorial grins. 

They quietly shut the bedroom door behind them, mouths on each other as soon as the little click let them know it was closed. Their bodies tangled together needily. This had been the longest they had gone without sex since they had gotten married. 

'I love you so much,' Shane whispered into Ilya's mouth. They were still trying to be quiet, so that they wouldn't break the moment by getting interrupted. 

The clothes came off efficiently,  

Then the creepy scratching started. 

Ilya groaned in frustration. 

'Maybe we can just ignore him?' Shane whispered, though they were already caught, so it was unnecessary. 

'We can try.' 

They couldn't ignore the sad whining and incessant scratching. It was very much a turn off. 

'Should we just let him in?' Shane asked, 'maybe he'll just stay out of the way?' 

When they opened the door, hoping to be able to ignore his presence, Monty immediately hopped onto the bed. 

'Just don't look his way,' Ilya said, getting back onto the bed next to Shane, 'and don't make eye contact.' 

Shane made eye contact. 

'Fuck, he's looking.' 

'Just look away,' Ilya said, tilting Shane's chin up towards himself, 'kiss me.' 

They kissed again for a while, and it almost seemed like they could do this. 

'Blyat!' Ilya screeched, 'Izyydi, demon!' (begone, demon) 

'What the hell?' 

'He's biting my toes!' He screamed, 'he's pervert! There is dog saliva between my toes!' 

'Okay, well. The moment is definitely over,' Shane sat up, pushing Ilya off. 

'Nooo,' Ilya flopped flat onto the bed, face buried into his (new) pillow. Shane ignored the  dramatics. 

** 

They put their cozy clothes back on and went back to the lounge to watch a movie. Like the celibate couple they were apparently becoming. 

Ilya could forgive the shoes. He could forgive the antics that were now commonplace before every walk. But he could not forgive the fact that Monty was completely dedicated to cockblocking. 

Even Shane, who was usually a much more patient person, agreed that this was becoming a problem. 

'We can't be one of them people who gives back their dog,' he chewed on his lip, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. 

Ilya thought about how some monster had just thrown Anya on the side of the road. Abandoned her. No, he was not going to be someone who abandons their dog or sends them back to a shelter. 

'No, of course not. We'll work on it,' Ilya sighed, 'we won't just give up on him.' 

'I'll research some good trainers or dog behaviorists,' Shane said. 

'What's difference between a dog trainer and a dog behaviorist?' 

'I think a trainer just teaches them commands and stuff, and behaviorist looks more into underlying issues. Like a psychologist,' Shane explained, eyes focused on his phone.  

'What, they sit the dog down and talk to it about its' childhood trauma and why that makes it shit on my pillow?' Ilya shook his head, 'I just know this is some American bullshit.'  

'Well, there must be some reason for it,' Shane said, already up and getting his laptop and glasses. Apparently, this was going to be a big screen task. 

'Maybe you should look up if there is a dog exorcist too,' Ilya said solemnly, 'I think he is haunted by a demon.' 

Shane rolled his eyes. 

'One, that's dumb and two, you don't get haunted by a demon, you get possessed. Haunted is for ghosts or maybe embarrassing memories.' 

'Oh my god! They did say that his previous owner died! Maybe he is haunted,' Ilya nodded gravely, 'Or maybe he killed them.' 

'Ilya, stop being ridiculous.' 

'Or maybe it's some kind of voodoo,' he continued instead, 'like maybe he is cursed or someone is using him to torture us from a distance. Like a voodoo dog instead of voodoo doll.' 

'I don't think that's how that works. It's probably offensive as well,' he said, typing something into a search that Ilya was pretty sure wasn't dog voodoo. 

'I'm just throwing ideas out there,' he shrugged. 

'Stupid ideas,' Shane rolled his eyes, 'some actual solutions would be more helpful.' 

'I am being tortured by this creature Shane,' Ilya exclaimed, 'I think he hates me specifically!' 

'You're so dramatic.' 

'Yes? Well, why does he only piss in my shoes?' Ilya whined, 'It's not fair.' 

'I don't know, maybe we have a different foot smell,' Shane said, 'like, mine smell fine and yours like a dog toilet.' 

'Ha.' Ilya said flatly, then quietly grumbled, 'the reason is he is possessed by the devil.' 

'Ilya.' 

** 

They needed a break. It was obvious. Two men. Defeated. 

'I'm scared to take him to the dog hotel. What if he is a nightmare to them too?' Shane said, looking genuinely distressed. 

'You'd rather traumatize your friends and family with this creature instead of actual professionals that look after dogs?' 

'I just feel like I'm failing at being a dog dad and I don't want more people to know,' he said with a dejected frown. 

'Ah, this is perfect golden Canadian boy coming out of hiding, yes? Always have to live up to expectations. No one can know he has naughty dog.' 

'Oh shut up.' 

'No, Shane, appearances are important. What if they leak to the media?'  

'You are so unhelpful, it's actually infuriating.' 

'I'm sorry,' Ilya sighed. But continued, because he didn't just drop things apparently, he loved to dig a deeper hole for himself and keep annoying Shane, 'I cannot become nun. I did not risk it all and jerk off in a communal shower at nineteen to not fuck my husband in our own home.' 

Shane looked like he was going to strangle him. Like an angry homicidal kitten.  

'Okay, I will be quiet,' Ilya threw his hands up in surrender. 

If he was ever murdered, it would not have been by a crazed fan. It would be by his husband. And he would definitely deserve it. 

'Do you know who he kind of reminds me of?' Ilya said after a while of watching Monty quietly. 

'Who?' 

'Pike.' 

Shane tilted his head to the side, looking at Monty. 

'You know what? I kinda see it.' 

'Maybe that's why he hates me. He is Hayden reincarnated.' 

'I think you have to die to be reincarnated.' 

'When was the last time you spoke to Hayden?'  Ilya continued, acting like this was a completely reasonable line of enquiry. 

'Yesterday.' Shane said flatly, not having any of it. 

'Hm, okay, but have you ever seen them both in the same room?' 

'Oh shut up.' 

'You know, maybe they'd get along. They have a common enemy.' 

'You're not Hayden's enemy,' Shane rolled his eyes, 'and what are you even suggesting? That we should pass Monty off to the Pikes?' 

'Maybe just for a weekend or something,' Ilya said, 'Just so we can have a break. Then, we can do all the training and psychology or whatever you want.' 

'Isn't it a bit cruel to unleash this demon on them? Jackie and Hayd already have four kids to take care of,' Shane said, unsure, 'Plus, Hayden is always saying how he doesn't want a dog.' 

'Listen, it's good idea. If he is good, maybe they want to keep him, and if he is bad, then Hayden will be happy because he doesn't want a dog and it will convince the rest of the Pikes that they don't want one either. So, we're doing him a favor either way really.' 

'Right.' 

'Pleaseeeee, I just want to fuck my husband in peace.' 

'Okay, okay.' Shane gave in, 'I'll ask if they would like to look after him for the weekend.' 

Ilya climbed over the cushions between them and gave his husband a sweet kiss. 

'Can't believe you called our dog a demon,' he smirked, pleased with himself. 

'It's your fault! You kept doing it!' 

'Yeah, but you're meant to be the nice, sensible one.' 

'Now I feel bad,' Shane grimaced, 'I guess we all have our limits.' 

** 

The Pike kids were thrilled to have Monty visit them for the weekend. Hayden just seemed annoyed as they unloaded an unnecessarily large supply of food and toys for the dog, as well as blankets and one of his beds. He was definitely ganged up on by the rest of the family to let them look after Monty. 

For the whole two-hour journey back to their house, now sans dog, Ilya was graphically describing all the things he was going to do to Shane now that they had a free house. No matter how much he pleaded to stop distracting him from driving, Ilya just kept describing increasingly more insane scenarios, his hand on Shane's thigh. 

The first thing he did once home was bend his husband over the kitchen counter and fuck him right there.  

Then they had a snack, for more endurance, and giddily headed to the bedroom. 

** 

After a few hours of reuniting with each other's bodies, they decided they should probably check in with the Pikes. Shane was nervous to ask how it was going, but the lack of contact made him even more anxious. He sent a quick text. 

Shane 

How's Monty doing? 

Jackie 

Such a sweet boy! 

Look 

/Photo of Monty with a princess cape and a pink tiara on his head/ 

The girls love him! 

'What the fuck?' Ilya said, pulling the phone out of Shane's hand and staring at the picture incredulously, 'I can't even get his leash on, and these little Pikes got him in dress up?!' 

Shane snatched his phone back. 

Shane 

Wow! So, he's not causing any trouble? 

Jackie 

Not at all! They played with him in the garden and now everyone is exhausted! They all wore each other out and now I have some peace for a while. Finally! 

Shane and Ilya shared a confused look.  Surely, they weren't talking about the same dog. 

Jackie 

And look at Mr 'I don't want a dog' 

/Photo of Hayden napping on the sofa with Monty curled up on his chest/ 

'What is happening?' Ilya whispered, perplexed. 

'I don't know,' Shane said staring at the photo, 'the most horrifying thing is that your dumb idea might have actually worked out.' 

Ilya had been accused of meddling and matchmaking before, which he refused to take as a criticism, since it always worked out in the end. This must have just been one of those times. He has expanded his people's matchmaking skills to animals now. 

** 

On Sunday afternoon, instead of taking Monty home, they came back to the Pikes with a car full of the rest of his food and doggie belongings.  

'You're telling me this precious boy was giving you trouble?' Hayden said, holding Monty in his arms and talking to him in a baby voice, 'you're the goodest boy, aren't you Monty?'  

It was a disgusting sight. 

Ilya was very irritated. It somehow felt like Pike had bested him at something and that just would not do. 

'Glad to see you two getting along so well,' he said with a forced smile. 

'Yeah, we're besties,' Hayden said happily, 'and I was thinking that Monty could be short for Montreal, you know.' 

'We hate Montreal,' Ilya said flatly. 

'Well, I actually think it's going to change quite a lot,' Hayden said, with a smile that screamed proud parent, 'Theirlout, Drapeau and Comeau are all out. We've got some decent rookies coming in. We could really have a fresh start with the new coach, I think. Build something better for the next guys.' 

Ilya eyed him skeptically. 

'Genuinely, it's the first time in two seasons that it doesn't feel like a lost cause,' Pike continued with a hopeful smile. 

'If you say so.' 

'Sounds promising,' Shane said, elbowing Ilya in the side, probably as a silent request to rein it in. 

'I'm gonna get you a Metro's jersey lil dude,' Hayden cooed, scratching behind Monty's ears, 'You're gonna look mega cute.' 

'Yes, It's so amazing how it all worked out!' Shane said, way too cheerfully, 'we better get going now!' 

He pulled Ilya closer by his sleeve, whispering with urgency, 'quick, let's go before they change their mind.' 

'Yes, goodbye Pikes!' Ilya waved.  

There was an out of sync chorus of 'Bye uncle Shane, bye uncle Ilya!' from the kids in response. 

They made a quick escape back to the car. 

** 

'I think Pike has found his dog soulmate.' Ilya said, fastening his seatbelt. 

'That is so not a thing,' Shane said with an eyeroll, then went a bit quieter. He chewed on his lower lip for a moment, 'Though, maybe there's something to it. To be honest, I always felt like Anya was more of your dog. I was hoping maybe Monty could be mine.' 

'Maybe we should get a cat then,' Ilya said thoughtfully, 'I think you're more like a black cat that likes its' own space but comes by to cuddle up sometimes. Maybe a cat could be your pet soulmate.' 

'I don't think we should rush into another pet,' Shane said, practical and sensible as ever. 

'Yes, I do not think I am ready to let someone else into my heart so soon. I need a little break until I can trust again,' Ilya said gravely, clenching at his chest for added effect. 

'You sound like it was a break up.'  

'Yeah, a messy one too. Very toxic relationship,' Ilya nodded, 'we do not want rebound animal.' 

'No, you're right. We don't,' Shane agreed, letting his husband's dramatics slide, 'maybe we should just wait for a while and the right one might come along.' 

Ilya was already thinking about going around town and feeding ham slices to stray cats, hoping one would love him.