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Thick and depressing silence, that's all there ever was when things were like this. Another failed expedition, another period of time where the watchful eye of the government stayed on Erwin Smith, and another night of signing the death certificates of courageous men and women whose lives came to a bitter end, more often than not, painful end. He could feel his hand cramping, but all he could think about was how many Casualty Notification Officers he'd need to send out and hope that none were lashed out at this time.
He'd always known there were going to be times like this, anyone would be a fool not to expect it, and he started to wonder if he should be more worried about the fact that this felt as if it was getting easier mentally. The silence and repetitive task of dipping his quill, signing his name, and refilling it once the ink ran out occasionally let him disassociate; signing who knows how many certificates before a noise would snap him out of this daze.
He'd hardly eaten in days, appetite lost from guilt that settled heavily into his stomach, the late nights full of paperwork, reports, meetings where he'd have to explain to others what went wrong and watching their ire and resentment for him grow while he silently wished to send these cowardly fools in the place of his men, let them see the horrors they faced and why their lack of support truly did mean life or death for them all. He'd wring out their necks if he could; how dare they-
Knock.
Just a single one, and he already knew who it was, hardly anyone bothered to go to his office when he got like this. “Have you come to patronize me again?” He asked, knowing the routine.
“You look like shit, of course I have.” Levi shut the door behind him, walking over and setting a mug of black coffee in front of Erwin who eyed the mug and raised a brow.
“You want me to stay awake?”
“Please, like I could pry you away, fucking workaholic. You'll run yourself ragged if I wasn't around.” Levi scoffed, looking at the bags under Erwin's eyes. “Look at you, always trying to make yourself pretty and you've gone and undone all your hard work.”
It was Erwin's turn to scoff, rolling his eyes. “You make me sound vain.”
“I'm almost surprised you're not, constantly with your pomades and tweezing and colognes. You'll kill Mike's nose some day with all that shit you put on.” Levi felt relieved when he heard the faintest chuckle from Erwin.
“Well he'll have to bear with me, looking good is important.” Erwin lifted the mug, the hot and bitter brew making him grimace as he burnt his tongue.
“Tch, how about feeling good? Dumb old man…when's the last time you've had decent rest?”
“There's work to be done, Levi.”
“Then share the damn work. You're always getting on us about taking care of ourselves too but you never follow that advice yourself. Get a stamp or seal with your name or something like the others officers and commanders have.”
A pause. “No.”
“No?”
“It feels…inauthentic.”
“Erwin…are you serious?”
“Yes I'm serious,” he set down and slid the mug away with a sigh. “Levi, these people died under my command, listening to my orders. To stamp a piece of paper and send it off after everything they've done for me, sacrificing themselves to the cause and my own selfish desire to know what is out there? That's not right, and you know that.”
“Erwin-”
“No, don't ‘Erwin’ me.” He frowned at Levi as he cut him off. “I'm right about this and you know it. They deserve more than a damn stamp, they deserve the person that caused this to read their name and sign their paper and take some accountability.”
“Haven't you taken enough?” Levi looked into Erwin's tired and bloodshot eyes, seeing the fatigue mixed with heavy guilt. “There’s no need to martyr yourself when you already have the bastards in the interior hounding you and trying to rip you to shreds every time you so much as breathe. You need rest, we all need you at your best, and you scraping by like this isn't going to help morale. So get it together before someone sees you in this pitiful little state of yours before I knock you out and force you to rest.” Levi chided, but scowled.
“Oi, what the fuck are you laughing at now?” He grumbled and set his hands on Erwin’s desk, leaning over it slightly to glare Erwin down. He watched Erwin's shoulders shake as he tried and failed to stop this little fit of quiet chuckles.
“I'm sorry, you just…kinda sound like a worried wife, in a terrifying and threatening way, of course.” He got out, a grin on his lips even as Levi gave him a deadpanned expression.
“A worried wife…” he continued to just stare at Erwin a bit longer, watching him nearly giggling. “You sleep deprived bastard, you don't even know what you're saying anymore.”
Regardless of Levi's harsh demeanor and words, Erwin could tell that there was a bit of affection in that, and it gave him solace to know that the man that stood before him truly did care so deeply about his health whenever he neglected himself. It was more than he could ever ask for, and he felt it was more than he deserved. Their bond, forged in hellfire from unimaginable horrors, trials and tribulations, and maddening circumstances that would make almost anyone lose their mind; but here they stood, through thick and thin, they moved together.
“Perhaps,” Erwin finally answered, rubbing his tired and dry eyes. He sighed and let his hands slide off his face before they fell to his lap, he looked at the coffee. “I hate to waste it, but I think I'll listen to you and go lay down.”
“Good, if you want coffee in the morning I'll just throw the rest at you, make sure it wasn't an entire waste.” Levi smirked softly, a look reserved for their moments of banter.
“Hm, that should work.” Erwin mused with a breathy chuckle and set a hand atop Levi's. “Thank you, Levi. You always manage to pull me out of these annoying little ruts.” He gave Levi a tired but sincere smile.
“Someone has to, you'd rot in here if I didn't.” Levi watched as Erwin kept his hand over his own and stood, eyes widening slightly as he saw just how close their faces were for a moment.
“Oh, sorry.” Erwin apologized, looking down at the other with a rather unfamiliar expression that could be read as sheepish. But his hand stayed on Levi's, watching his expression change as he got closer again.
“What are you doing?” Levi asked, making no attempt to move back as Erwin's face was so close, so damn close he could feel count each and every one of Erwin's faint little freckles.
“I never realized how pretty your eyes look..” he murmured, staring into them and seeing the different shades of gray that were scattered across Levi's irises before looking at his eyelashes. “And how long your eyelashes are..”
Before he could continue to give little praises, Levi pushed his face away, trying to deny the way his heart raced just slightly. This was far too close, too dangerous, too vulnerable. They both knew that, and yet Erwin couldn't help himself.
The urge to indulge in that forbidden and tucked away feeling had pulled too heavily at his heart this evening. He was an exhausted and overwhelmed man right now, letting down his guard just enough to let his heart yearn for the man that stood before him; but that's all they ever allowed themselves to do - yearn.
So many nights did they silently recall the passing glances, smug looks shared while in the Capital when they silently judged the noblemen and fellow servicemen together, the little touches of their fingers when passing documents to one another to sign or read. It was never discussed, never brought up, always swept under the rug until their hearts and minds grew weary enough to allow the yearning of another's touch to seep into their minds like a leaking faucet.
Drip.
Levi was definitely in a better mood today.
Drip.
His voice is always so steady and calm whenever he speaks with me.
Drip.
He's gotten more rest, his eyes didn't look so tired.
Drip.
Levi's eyes are so beautiful.
These thoughts would flood Erwin's brain and nearly send his nerves into a panic. He couldn't get close, he couldn't allow it. Life isn't guaranteed and he could never leave someone to mourn him, what a cruel fate it would be.
They’ve done this hundreds, if not thousands of times, just looking at each other, examining one another. It was so easy to do it after so long that they had to ask themselves, when had it become so easy? When did these longing, yearning stares become the norm between them? Regardless, it was happening again and it was just as effortless to fall into and just as hard to get out of; it was dreadful.
And that terribly lonely part of Erwin wondered if he was capable of not crumbling into a thousand pieces if Levi held him.
“You really are losing it,” Levi shook his head, slipping his hand away but stopped when he felt Erwin's hand grip his own a little tighter. They looked at each other again, silently; the tension rising as their gaze flickered over the others faces.
Erwin's heart thudded quickly in his chest, his breathing becoming deeper and the faintest bit shaky. His tongue slipped past his lips, wetting them slightly.
“Have you finally come to your senses?” Levi said softly, eyes never straying from Erwin's as he kept his hand in his grip.
“I believe so,” Erwin answered just as quietly, eyes going to Levi's left eye, then to his right, down to his lips, then back to the left. Hesitantly, so hesitantly, he began leaning in again, close enough to feel Levi's breath against his face, see every little movement of Levi's eyes. He swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing.
“Shouldn't I stop?” He whispered, the tip of his nose right against Levi's.
“No,” it was a breathy answer that sealed their fate, one that slipped from Levi's lips as smoothly as a sigh.
Levi was the first to move, letting his head tilt and letting the tip of his nose softly glide across the side of Erwin's. There was a jerkiness to the motion, as if giving Erwin every opportunity to pull back in the event that he changed his mind.
But he didn't, so they both stayed stiff, breathing shakily against each other's lips until Erwin finally pushed forward and took Levi's bottom lip between his own, shutting his eyes and kissing him tentatively. He didn't miss how Levi hadn't moved yet, probably just as nervous about this endeavor as he was. It was a good nervousness though, one he hadn't felt so strongly since he was a young recruit.
Just as quickly as the kiss began, Levi began to move his lips in sync with Erwin's, awkward but still relaxed somehow. With eyes shut, lips moving as one, and hearts calming into an easy tempo, they continued their kiss for a moment longer until they pulled away gently.
They opened their eyes, looking into the other's soul and just admiring it as Erwin raised a hand and stroked the apple of Levi's cheek almost reverently, admiring the pale skin that hardly showed age.
“I didn't rush it?”
“No, stop thinking so much.” Levi took Erwin's hand in his own, giving it a squeeze and raised a brow when he watched Erwin's lip curl into what he liked to call “a shit-eating grin”. “Oi...”
Erwin's eyes were no longer on Levi's, instead focused on the tips of his ears. “It's nothing important. I've just forgotten that you can get flustered too.”
Fucker.
The tips of Levi's ears were a rosy pink, just barely able to remain unhidden beneath his hair. “You're such a pain in my ass. Go the fuck to sleep before I reconsider knocking you out myself.”
“Yes, my Captain.” Erwin agreed and let their hands slip apart as he made his way around his desk. He rolled his shoulders as he walked leisurely, feeling lighter already. Before he left, he took hold of Levi by the wrist, pulling him near and pressing a kiss on the crown of his head. “I’ll see you when I wake. Thank you, Levi.” He left without another glance, letting the rosy-eared Levi to fume and send him telepathic death threats in peace.